Asses To Ashes

Will:What, a Pizza Hut in the garage?

Carlton:Hello, is President Bush there?

Will:Carlton, are you by any chance an idiot?

Carlton:I'm in a position to scratch his back if he'll scratch mine, capische?

Geoffrey:I've been saving that genteel pleasure to calm myself lest I get too giddy from scrubbing the john.

Will · Geoffrey:You know, you really need a woman, G. / What's a woman?

Philip · Hilary:All right, Hilary, how much do you want? / No, I'm talking about... Well, $100.

Hilary · Philip:where do you stand on a woman's right to choose the restaurant? / I think we should leave that up to the Supreme Court.

Geoffrey:Self magazine... Shape magazine... and Sassy magazine. And for you, sir, Elf magazine... Ape magazine... and Sissy magazine.

Carlton · Vivian:But Dad, aren't some of those lies? / Carlton, honey, they're all lies.

Will · Philip:Uncle Phil, let me tell you a little story. / Oh, no.

Will:Amen, sister.

Philip · Will:So, this story is about you, isn't it, Will? / That's right, Uncle Phil. And to this day I just thank God I had my two-headed coin... 'cause that girl was smoking, man.

TV criminals:If Banks gets into office, we won't have to hide anymore... this city's ours!

Will:He like begging, he like, 'Philip Banks, kick my butt.' / Philip Banks, kick the man's butt.

Philip · Vivian:Because it goes against everything I stand for. / What's your point?

Philip:I have faith in L.A. That L.A. will have faith in me. / ...Judge Robertson has overwhelmingly defeated Philip Banks. / I hate L.A.

Philip:Well, once when I was a kid I zipped my pants up too fast... let's just say this brings back old memories.

Trevor Collins:So tell me, are you free for dinner tonight?

Hilary · Reporter:Look, my father just lost an election. I mean, I'm not totally insensitive. / How about tomorrow? / Great.

Will:Damn! Uncle Phil, I got your back. Well, I got like half your back 'cause your back's like...

Carlton · Philip · Robertson:Carl... / I thought I was Carl. / I'm Philip. / And I am the walrus.

Judge Robertson:There goes Philip Banks... the biggest sap that ever lived. What a stooge.

Robertson:Really? And what would that be? A buffet?

Will:And I'll tell you another thing, if you don't like it, man, you can drop dead.

Will:Oh, my God, he's dead. / Come on, man, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

Will · Will:Oh, my God, he's dead. / Come on, man, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

Hilary · Carlton:Well, Will, you really knocked them dead the other night, huh? / Don't get him mad, Mom. You don't want to make him raise his voice.

Carlton:Don't get him mad, Mom. You don't want to make him raise his voice.

Carlton:I did it last week, it's the Terminator's turn.

Carlton:Simple. Thanks to the Grim Reaper over here... and Judge Robertson taking the old dirt nap...

Carlton:The phone's dead, Will.

Carlton:Look, I think I know how to help Will. This calls for tough love. We've gotta draw him out. We've gotta bait him, confront him... attack him until he defends himself.

Carlton:Look, I think I know how to help Will. This calls for tough love.

Carlton · Hilary:Will, you should be ashamed of yourself. How could you do such a thing? Hope you never get mad at me.

Will:Why are y'all screaming at me? I was minding my damn business eating some fruit.

Carlton:Well, I could be wrong.

Philip · Vivian:You won't believe this. They want me to give the eulogy at Judge Robertson's funeral. / Philip, you know, I really hate to speak ill of the dead... but if that little man hadn't died I would have killed him myself.

Vivian:Philip, you know, I really hate to speak ill of the dead... but if that little man hadn't died I would have killed him myself.

Vivian · Philip:Philip, any chance of getting those flowers after the funeral? / Sit down, Vivian.

Philip:He was a judge. A judge named Carl. But he was more. So much more. Carl... He wasn't a very heavy man.

Funeral attendee:The jerk sentenced me to six months in jail for a crime I didn't commit. I'm just here to make sure he dead.

Funeral attendee:The jerk sentenced me to six months in jail for a crime I didn't commit. I'm just here to make sure he dead.

Robertson's mistress:With him it was just a bunch of... sex all the time, like dating Thumper.

Robertson's mistress quoting Robertson:When you gonna bring your sister around?

Funeral attendee:The man's idea of sweet talk was: 'When you gonna bring your sister around?'

Will:I'm the dude that killed him.

Hilary:And hell is like the Valley.

Philip:I think we're all damn lucky Hilary has a job.

Hilary · Philip:What do you think, Daddy? / I think we're all damn lucky Hilary has a job. / Thanks, Daddy.

Philip:I think we're all damn lucky Hilary has a job.

Will:See, it's like I can have a leg in one hand and a breast in the other.

Will:See, it's like I can have a leg in one hand and a breast in the other.

Geoffrey:I think I must have been very bad in a previous life.

Will:Why are y'all screaming at me? I was minding my damn business eating some fruit. / You screamed at me.

Will:Why are y'all screaming at me? I was minding my damn business eating some fruit. You screamed at me.

Carlton · Will:Well, I could be wrong. / What in the hell did you just do with your lips?