Doubt of the Benefit

Larry:No, I'm just starting to realize I have about 6 months to live.

Larry:I dragged joel grey about 20 yards before I realized he'd fallen down... talented man. Father of actress Jennifer grey.

Artie:Charity begins at home, except in Hollywood where it begins at 7 pm every night in every fucking hotel ballroom in town.

Larry:This is about my personal beliefs, not money.

Larry:What, are they kidding? No, that's what it says. Cheapskates. All right, call them. Tell them maybe if they send a helicopter. Otherwise, no dice.

Hank:5 years. Come on, guys. Where's the cure?

Larry:Yes! Firm date, get it! Puerto Rico!

Larry:Oh, right, uh... nothing contagious.

Larry:I should take a look at his thumb. Did they do a nice job?

Artie:Fan-fucking-tastic.

Larry:No, I mean about the cake.

Paula:Good! And your hair's the same color as last week. That's good. Thank you.

Artie:You know, that happens to creative geniuses, to all except my good friend professor Irwin corey.

Larry:You'll be able to tell there's no head on the horse.

Larry:driving your new cat down the Santa Monica freeway.

Larry:My balls are killing me.

Artie:There goes Mr. Reiner. I can see roberino disappearing into the clouds right now.

Artie:One hand washes the other. Scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. You know, tit for tat.

Done with your metaphors?

Artie:Mas o menos, hombre.

Larry:Who are you, big Chief lenscrafters?

Larry:Too much. It looks like one of those stage productions of cats.

Hank:That says 'applesauce.'

Larry:No, it says 'applause.'

Hank:When he sits around the house... A winnebago without drapes.

Hank:And tell them I have some nerve deafness.

Beverly:Hank, that's so sad.

Hank:I really don't have nerve deafness.

Beverly:I know. That's what's so sad.

Larry:Boy, finally some good news for Michael Jackson.

Writer:Is it last january already? No.

Artie:It sounds like it from that joke.

Larry:How cinematic! I can almost see him falling.

Larry:And people wonder why I'm a cynical asshole.

Artie:No, they don't.

Belzer:You guys rousted me out of bed because Pauly Shore wasn't available?

Belzer:I don't like kiwi.

Beverly:Oh, sayib, I should have known! We've got a mango flying in, chop-chop.

Larry:Did you know that spinal tap was mostly improvised? Did you know that?

Belzer:Really?

Larry:And what do you think I'm doing now?

Belzer:I'm making this up.

Belzer:You'll have security stop me on the way out?

Beverly:Just don't take the ones with the pictures.

Belzer:Your picture?

Beverly:Yeah.

Belzer:Don't worry about it. I'll get you another.

Larry:I think that every time I watch that America's funniest people. That just about breaks your spirit.

Larry:I'll rub his face in it, Artie. You know that? I'll look like the bigger man, make him feel like shit.

Larry:A few good men... want a good courtroom movie? Caine mutiny. Yeah, bogey with the steel balls.

Hank:The world makes me sad. What the... what? Sad.

Hank:Let's say, for the sake of my argument, that they get that.

Hank:How many people... famous people... went number 2 tonight? You don't have to tell me. I'm just kidding.

Rob Reiner:Larry, do you honestly think I would cancel at the last second without a legitimate excuse?

Larry:I am uncomfortable discussing size in the bathroom, you know what I mean?

Beverly:Toilet paper is always very funny to everyone except the French. I don't think those bidets are sanitary at all, do you?

Larry:I don't think that I told him I was there to rub his face in it and make him feel like shit, so I don't feel completely, totally truthful.

Artie:Let me tell you something. That's what ruined my second marriage. I told the truth. I found it to be disastrous.

Artie:You can't handle the truth.

Artie:This. It isn't funny.

Artie:This is hilarious.

Artie:Ha ha. See?

Rob Reiner:Maybe you can get that woman from the zoo and she can bring an animal to shit on me.

Larry:Rob? Mr. Reiner won't be joining us this evening. He just canceled.

Artie:Of course, I anticipated your inability to keep your mouth shut. So I arranged a backup.

Pauly Shore:I actually do more improvising in the movie than I do here.

Pauly Shore:When will you book me again?

Larry:When another big, huge guest cancels? Maybe within the month.

Larry:They offered you 10 grand?

Hank:Yeah.

Beverly:Beverly.