Headwriter Phil

Warm-up Comedian:Applesauce. No, no. L... I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Larry:Celebrity caning victim Michael fay... what... what are you giggling at? Every time a guy gets smacked in the ass you laugh?

Larry:Something we all have what left over from when we got beaten as a child, I believe.

Larry:I can assure you that is a long flight, especially, uh, when you have to stand the whole way.

Larry:That's... and frankly, I thought that was just common courtesy to shake hands with someone who's seen your butt.

Larry:You know. Whi... which reminds me. Nice to see you. Woo!

Larry:Well, another misguided, uh, Gray whale has turned up in Santa Monica bay, uh, recently. It was chased all the way through the L.A. River and right, uh, ultimately into o.j. Simpson's driveway.

Larry:Please send all resumes to my producer Artie, and no sense of humor is required.

Artie:Tom freeley... Tom freeley wouldn't know a joke if it drove at him and tried to park in the crack of his ass.

Artie:If she had a fondness for malt liquor, your niece could be my father-in-law.

Artie:A little late with Larry's melon, huh, beverly?

Beverly:Oh, well, I had to go and get a new one first, Arthur. I mean, I had it already cut up into little chunks the way he always likes it. Then he came in today, said he wanted it bald.

Phil:I'd do it, except I'm already dating someone.

Artie:If you're talking about balding Larry's melon, forget it, Phil. I didn't laugh the first time.

Paula:Well, I charmed his ass. I told him roxanne was my favorite movie. I inquired about his play...

Phil:in other words, you promised to blow him?

Paula:Ho ho ho, Phil, you know all my little tricks, don't you?

Artie:Well, it means, Phil, that you're a snide little prick. Not that we don't love that about you, but what we're looking for in a head writer is more experience, someone who is more of a people person.

Artie:That's true. In the last 2 minutes alone, you offered to fuck Larry's melon and you accused Paula of promising to orally service a distinguished guest. Let's face it, son, you're a born diplomat.

Artie:Unless they found out who killed Bob eubanks' tree.

Hank:Oh, my God. Well, you got me. And I want to apologize. I just... um, it's about the, uh, handicap parking plates, is that right?

Hank:I mean, I suspected some marijuana. You know, sure, you know, what we used to call wacky tobacky. Well, I still call it that... wacky weed.

Hank:You know, I mean, pot smoking, I don't mind. The kids, you know, to get the munchies... hot wing sales go right through the roof. It's when these kids get on God-knows-what, you know, they eat like little birds.

Hank:I mean, what... what... what if one of these poor kids, you know, gets on, uh, you know, some bad stuff? No one likes to eat at a restaurant where someone has died as a rule.

Albert:These are all gonna look like he's talking, I'm telling ya.

Artie:He gave it a great deal of thought. He feels it's the right way to go.

Phil:Unbelievable. Thanks, Mike.

Artie:Just stay away from your usual attire, that's all. Hell, you look like you're a member of peanuts gang. Linus with goatee.

Paula:Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little big man. Steve Martin's not doing this sketch. He's just paneling.

Phil:Well, that may have been the case, but, uh, I'd like you to send it to him.

Paula:Oh, goody! That means you'll be gone in a month.

Dennis:What is this? Youth. Heh heh.

Phil:Are you insane? What? What are you thinking you're doing in here? I came prepared. You said that these meetings are very important.

Artie:Yes, they are. All the more reason to shut the fuck up.

Writer:'Not feasible at this juncture?' Phil, did that sentence come with the suit or did you have to buy it separately?

Paula:Yeah, he got the fax, and he's got some problems. He thinks you're making fun of mute people.

Phil:It is a takeoff on the piano. It does not work without a mute.

Phil:Well, thanks for your help, bitch.

Paula:Oh, that'd be so much hotter if you were wearing your tie.

Larry drives through the canyons every day at 4:00 to unwind before the show. Then why did he agree to these meetings? When he agreed to meet with you, this is what he meant

Artie:Car phones don't work in the canyons. Bingo. Got it?

Phil:Do you need an actual piano or can you use one of those casio keyboards?

Phil:I need an ornate grand piano.

Artie:Good. You aim for the grand. When you get the casio, be thrilled.

Phil:Arthur, do you remember the bosnian sheepdog joke? Mike wrote that. It got a huge applause break. I'm sure he'll always cherish that moment.

Writer:Guys, I'm trying to finish this, OK? That's what you should do. Just tell Larry he has to use some of the jokes from last week, 'cause that was funny stuff, Phil.

Writer:Fine. Okay, but I can jerk off anywhere.

Paula:Go fuck yourself. Do my job? You do it, asswipe. You get on the phone and find a last-minute replacement for Steve Martin, someone willing to do a hack's sketch about the piano, which, by the way, is 6 months too late. Nice topical meter, dipshit.

Larry:I'm Dr. Wagner, and I want you both to know that, uh, I've been a marriage counselor for 10 years. And just by the fact that you're here now proves to me that you'd like to save your relationship.

Guest:Don't look at her. She's a mute. We've been married for 2 years.

Larry:Did you see the piano?

Guest:Yes, I did, and I thought that you, uh, got along very well in that, if I may say.

Guest:Oh, we did, but then she plays the same song over and over.

Guest:At this point, chopsticks would be a thrill.

Larry as Dr. Wagner:Now, am I thinking of something else? But it seems to me in the piano, she started to learn to speak at the end.

Guest:Oh, typical Hollywood ending. In reality, she's still a mute.

Mute Wife:Why don't you go screw yourself?

Guest:Now... oh, oh, my God. You're an amazing therapist. This is the first time she's spoken.

Mute Wife:You know, you use me. You take me for granted. And... and what's with the marks on the face? I mean, let's talk... they're genuine maori tattoos, that's what they are.

Guest:Eh, maori this, will you please?

Larry as Dr. Wagner:I can make her stop. That'll cost you an extra $1500. Can you see me at 5:00 next Tuesday? I can work you in between the rain man and the guy from my left foot.

Phil:You want Paula fired? Yes, and I want to watch while you do it.

Phil:These have been the worst 4 days of my life. I have no more friends here, I'm the only one who does any of the work, and at the end of the day, all I can think about is how I have to come back here and do it all over again tomorrow. It's a nightmare.

Artie:Lot more fun being the snotty little dork, wasn't it? Congratulations, son. You're the head writer.

Phil:But I don't want the job.

Artie:That's too damn bad.

Artie:You're making 6500 bucks a week, sweetie. Doesn't that soften the blows a bit?

Phil:6500... no, no, no. I'm only making 37,500.

Artie:Oh, damn it! There's been a horrible mistake. Jesus, I have to fix that right away.

Larry:Listen, I'm also having a problem with kelly the prop girl. I'd like to replace her.

Artie:Oh, sure. What the hell.