The Matchmaker

Marylou:Oh, my God! You sound just like you do in the movies. Stupid is as stupid does.

Marylou:Remember when you were in bosom buddies and you had that wig on?

Paula:This is not the cat counter at petco, OK?

Hank:Are you crying?

Hank:Please, don't do that.

Beverly:His boyfriend, Hank. They've been together for over a year and a half.

Hank:Oh, my God. I didn't know that.

Larry:Well, that makes one of us.

Paula:God! Kiss ass much?

Paula:Did you ask if she'd sleep with you? 'Cause then you nailed it.

Beverly:Mmm, missed a spot. No, on your face.

Nicolette Sheridan:Um, Larry, I wasn't in that movie.

Larry:Well, why don't we take a break, and we'll come right back, and we'll figure out which movie I'm thinking of.

Nicolette Sheridan:I've been off for 3 years. You've gotta remember that.

Larry:Did I do something wrong?

Artie:Yes.

Artie:Oh, yes. Yes, I watch everything on this magic box.

Larry:I just told Nicolette Sheridan that she was great in a movie, it turned out I was talking about Tori Spelling.

Hank:Was it my bad breath? Because, um, I ate an avocado today... but avocado's don't give you bad breath.

Hank:If people only knew.

Nicolette:Paris.

Paula:Paula... I know. I heard.

Marylou:'Cause this is Tori Amos' bio. Tori Amos is a singer, not an actor.

Hank:You get back on the horse. You get back on the horse and you go.

Brian:Go where?

Hank:Wherever the fucking horse goes.

Gordon:Oh, my go... do you know who you are?

Hank:Yes I do.

Gordon:Do you know who you are?

Gordon:You are very popular in the gay community, Hank.

Hank:See, I told ya.

Gordon:Staring? Really?

Sidekick by day, gay caballero by night.

Hank:Well, that's a lie. We never went to mother lode.

Hank:Yes! Yes! Rayneene, perfect.

Rock hudson was gay.

Hank:Tell her to wear something very short and very tight.

Tim Conway:Well, I'd like my car detailed.

Tim Conway:I, uh, got the trainee, right?

Paula:What is wrong with you? Nicolette sheridan was on the show last night.

Marylou:I know, but she's on my calendar for tonight, too.

Marylou:Tied up. And, uh, harriet? Tied up.

Tim Conway:He'll ask me about speed 2! I'll fill in! I'll have some funny stories about sandra, OK?!

Larry:That's what my friends used to do, too.

Larry:Now my underpants are gonna smell like starbucks.

Larry:Um, he's fanning my penis right now.

Larry:It's a good thing you don't work at a hardware store, because then it'd be a bad date, as opposed to this where you've dragged me into it.

Tim Conway:But at this weight horses ask you to get off.

Tim Conway:I found that if you rode to the outside fence, then it was much safer, 'cause, you know, sometimes they run into each other on the inside there. It's longer. But it's safer, and I think safety, in this particular instance, is pretty good.

Tim Conway:Try not to.

Tim Conway:I have him in a little tin hut up here in beverly hills, little monkey strapped to his leg and everything, you know, just to kind of keep him active.

Paula:Cock suck, I don't understand it.

Larry:No, well, it used to be, it's up to 4 bits.

Paula:Letterman already does that.

Tim Conway:And I said, 'it's a light bulb, and if you come any closer I'll turn it on.'

Tim Conway:But, guys who had never walked before came running out of that hospital. That's the truth.

Tim Conway:I haven't had any sex since the apple dumpling gang, so this is quite a treat.

Harvey Fierstein:I know rayneene, well, except when I knew rayneene, she was a man.

Larry:Hank, are you OK?

Hank:Oh, no, I'm not. I'm not OK.

Artie:One of the great moments in television. Talk show, here we come.

Larry:I don't smell anything, do you?

Nicolette:Mmm, no. Vanilla latte.