The Alliance

Dwight:I'm the assistant regional manager.

Michael:Assistant to the regional manager.

Dwight:What?

Michael:Assistant to the regional manager.

Michael:I hate firing people. I'm not like Trump where I just go around saying 'You're fired' all the time.

Michael:You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You're fired.

Ryan:I miss the water cooler gossip. You know, just standing around, talking about people.

Ryan:So I've been bringing my own water cooler to my desk.

Ryan:I just... I don't know why no one comes by to talk.

Michael:Okay, okay, everyone gather around. I have something very special planned.

Michael:*does drumroll on desk*

Pam:Michael, it's just cake and streamers in the break room.

Michael:To boldly go where no one has gone before... Pam, you're being a wet blanket.

Angela:I have a moral objection to that color.

Michael:But Angela, by not gambling, aren't you gambling that you won't get hit by a car?

Michael:Hey everyone, I want you to meet the party planning committee. They're really hip, they're really with it. I've been trying to get down with the kids, you know? So I said to them, 'Yo, what's good in the hood?' And they just stared at me. So I said, 'That's what I'm talking about!' Nobody laughed.

Dwight:Jim, do you have any tickets to the gun show?

Jim:What?

Dwight:The gun show.

Jim:Dwight's been really getting on my nerves lately, you know? He's always one-upping me, always trying to prove he's better than everyone else.

Dwight:As Assistant Regional Manager, it's my duty to maintain the highest standards of productivity and excellence in this office.

Jim:See, that's exactly what I'm talking about. And he just left his computer unlocked again.

Jim:This is going to be beautiful.

Jim:It's an alliance. Like when kids build a fort and they're like, 'You can't come in here unless you're part of the alliance.'

Pam:So we're in an alliance.

Jim:Yeah, we're in an alliance.

Jim:You could use your accounting skills to lie about your age.

Michael:Oh my God, Dwight, look. Toby and Kevin. They're in cahoots.

Dwight:What are they saying?

Michael:Shh! Kevin just said 'the roast beef is good today.' That's code.

Dwight:Code for what?

Michael:I don't know yet, but it's definitely sinister. They're planning something.

Dwight:Should we alert security?

Michael:Not yet. We need more intel. This goes deeper than we thought.

Dwight:Okay, I'm in position. I have visual on the target. They're eating a sandwich.

Michael:Good, Dwight. Stay focused. We need to gather intel on their weaknesses.

Dwight:Wait... is that roast beef? And is that... is that a homemade aioli?

Michael:Dwight, the mission—

Dwight:The bread appears to be artisanal. Possibly from that bakery on Fifth? Michael, this is an excellent sandwich. Structurally sound. The way the lettuce is layered... it's beautiful.

Michael:Dwight!

Dwight:I'm sorry, but I have to respect this. This person is our enemy, yes, but they are also an artist.

Michael:When we do charity work, we help people during their time of convalescences... convale... you know what, their hard times.

Jim:That's amazing.

Jim:You're a genius.

Michael:Dwight, I need something embarrassing about Meredith for her birthday card. Something funny.

Dwight:Well, she had a hysterectomy.

Michael:How is that funny?

Dwight:I don't know, but it's definitely embarrassing.

Dwight:I'm an excellent hider. I'm a great tactician. In the woods, I have mastered hiding from deer. I can hide from anything — I hid from my own father for three years.

Michael:Dwight, can you breathe in there?

Dwight:Of course I can breathe. I cut holes.

Dwight:Jim says he can be trusted. But can he? I don't know. You decide. What do you think? Should I trust Jim?

Michael:You're lactose intolerant? Meredith, that's like... that's like being allergic to happiness. That's like being allergic to the American dream. I'm not even sure that's legal.

Meredith:Yeah, well, it happened.

Michael:This is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Okay, you know what? I'm going to personally find you a cake that you can eat. I'm going to spend my entire afternoon—no, my entire weekend—finding you a dairy-free cake. Because that's what a boss does.

Jim:He's hiding in the bushes. In the bushes. Like a raccoon.

Michael:You know, money can't buy happiness. It's true. But you know what happiness really is? It's joy. Pure joy.

Michael:So really, money can't buy joy either. Well, actually, it can. So I guess money can buy happiness after all.

Michael:He walked eighteen miles?! What the—

Michael:That is amazing! Wow! What a journey! Oscar, you must be so proud!

Stanley:Working at Dunder Mifflin stops time due to boredom.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, so this is funny because it says 'You're not getting older, you're getting downsized.' That's a good one. That's a good one.

Michael:I've been saving this joke for a special occasion. Why did Elizabeth Taylor have so many birthdays? Because she kept getting older and older with each husband!

Michael:Meredith is so old...

Michael:She remembers when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Michael:I'm gonna make an anonymous donation to the city, and then somehow everyone's gonna know it was me.

Michael:They'll put up a plaque that says 'Donated by Someone Who Loves Scranton' and people will just know.

Jim:Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna tell Dwight that corporate is sending him undercover to investigate some fraud at the warehouse.

Pam:And he'll believe that?

Jim:Dwight believes everything. So we tell him he needs to disguise himself, change his appearance completely. New look, new identity.

Pam:Like dye his hair?

Jim:Exactly. We're gonna get him to dye his hair. I'm thinking like a bright red or something.

Pam:He's never going to do that.

Jim:Oh, he will. Because it's for the Schrute Farms investigation, and Dwight doesn't turn down anything that sounds official.

Jim:Roy, hey, I need to talk to you about something. It's about Pam.

Roy:What about Pam? Did you do something to her?

Jim:No, no, it's not like that. I just pulled this prank and—

Roy:You pulled a prank on my girlfriend?

Jim:It was just a joke, man. It's harmless.

Roy:Harmless? Jim, I'm gonna need you to back away from me right now.

Jim:Dwight started this whole thing.

Dwight:That is false. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Dwight:I would never instigate an alliance. That's beneath me.

Dwight:I have successfully manipulated Jim into believing that I have fallen for his prank. When in reality, I have been several steps ahead of him this entire time.

Jim:He has no idea that we've been pranking him for the last three weeks.