When Michael slips some sly references about Pam in his conversations with Jim, Jim quickly tries to do damage control to make sure that no one else in the office finds about his crush on Pam, all while slamming himself with regret for ever telling Michael in the first place. Jim goes to drastic measures, even bonding with Michael at a Hooters restaurant for lunch. Nonetheless, Jim's efforts do little to keep Michael from revealing the secret, but Jim smooths the situation over with Pam to make it seem like nothing more than a tiny crush in the past. Meanwhile, Dwight conducts an investigation about Oscar's mysterious absence from work, and what Dwight finds, though it goes way over his head, is surprising.
Secret-driven cringe sustains 81 points despite sparse standout moments.
Directed by Dennie Gordon · Written by Gene Stupnitsky, Lee Eisenberg
WAR
31.6
Wins Above Replacement
“The Secret” ranks #61 of 186 The Office episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 81.0 — Elite. The episode packs 40 scored jokes at 2.1 per minute, averaging 6.6 on craft and 7.0 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Michael: It was a legitimate business expense. We were discussing the Pemberton account over wings and beer.
Toby: Michael, Hooters isn't an appropriate venue for—
Michael: Oh, and by the way, Jim told me he's been leaving early to go to the dentist, but he's actually been going to看 Pam's apartment.
Toby: Michael, you can't just—
Michael Toby Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Dwight: There are exactly three ways to sniffle. The nasal cavity, the sinus cavity, and the pharyngeal cavity.
Pam: That's not... those aren't sniffles, those are just cavities.
Dwight: Exactly. Three ways.
Pam: So things aren't going to be awkward now, right?
Jim: Yeah, no, it's definitely going to be awkward.
Pam Jim Jim Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Jim: I'm in love with you.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: ...
Jim Pam Cringe/Discomfort Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Michael: You know what they say: 'A cluttered desk is a cluttered mind.' But I think that's wrong. A cluttered desk is a sign of... of genius. You know, creative people have messy desks because their brains are just... working too fast to organize things. It's like organized people are just... wait. No. That means my desk means I'm a genius. Which I am. But also... oh no. Oh no, I'm proving the opposite point, aren't I? My desk is a disaster.
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 40 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Jim: Hey, do you smell something?
Jim: Nothing much, what's up with you?
Jim Setup/Punchline Wordplay/Pun Unknown: What's updog?
Jim: Not much, what's up with you?
Self-aware acknowledgment of being fooled
Jim: Hey Stanley, what's updog?
Stanley: Yeah, yeah, I'll call you back.
Jim Stanley Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Jim: What's updog?
Pam: Nothing, Jim. We've been through this.
Jim: No, seriously, what's updog?
Pam: I'm not falling for it.
Jim: You're ruining it!
Jim: What's updog?
Dwight: What's updog? I don't know, what is updog?
Jim: Not much, what's up with you?
Dwight: FACT: You just made that up. There is no such thing as updog. This is a classic example of the 'updog' fallacy that—no wait. No, I've heard of updog. I know updog. I'm an expert on updog. Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica—updog is my thing.
Jim Dwight Callback Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: Okay, so I'm thinking about doing a spring cleaning in January. People always do it in spring, right? But I do things differently. I'm ahead of the curve. So if I do it in January, by the time spring comes around, I'm already clean. I'm like a spring-cleaning pioneer.
Michael Observational Character Comedy Michael: You know what they say: 'A cluttered desk is a cluttered mind.' But I think that's wrong. A cluttered desk is a sign of... of genius. You know, creative people have messy desks because their brains are just... working too fast to organize things. It's like organized people are just... wait. No. That means my desk means I'm a genius. Which I am. But also... oh no. Oh no, I'm proving the opposite point, aren't I? My desk is a disaster.
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Could've used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Michael: Oscar called in sick today. But I have a feeling he's not actually sick.
Dwight: You're right. Sick days are just excuses. I can sense it.
Michael: Exactly. He's probably at home doing... something.
Dwight: We should investigate. I know a guy who can trace his phone.
Michael: This is important. We need to get to the bottom of this Oscar situation.
Michael Irony/Sarcasm Observational ★ Rewatch Roy: He's been staring at her all day. It's like watching a guy at a strip club, except the guy is Jim and the strip club is the office.
Roy Irony/Sarcasm Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Jim: I told Michael a secret once. He kept it for like three minutes before he had to tell someone.
Jim: It was like watching someone try to hold in a sneeze. The pressure just kept building until he exploded with it.
Jim Observational Character Comedy Michael: I'm not going to tell anyone Jim's secret. I'm going to keep it... as long as I possibly can.
Michael Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: Hey Stanley, did you catch the game last night?
Stanley: Yeah, I did.
Michael: Great, great. So... what happened?
Stanley: What do you mean, what happened? You just said you watched it.
Michael: I know, I know. I just... I didn't actually watch it. I just wanted to talk to you.
Michael: Okay, so I'm gonna talk in code about Pam. So if I say 'the girl in the office,' you know who I'm talking about.
Stanley: No I don't.
Michael: Yes you do. The girl in the office. Pam.
Stanley: I'll have a peach iced tea.
Kevin: That's a woman's drink.
Dwight: You can always tell when someone is lying by their body language. The eyes shift, the shoulders tense up, the feet point toward the nearest exit.
Dwight: I've spent years perfecting this skill.
Dwight: Wait... I'm on the phone.
Dwight Deadpan/Understatement Observational Kevin: Grrrrape!
Michael: You know, Tony the Tiger really had it all figured out. He was cool, he was confident, and he never aged a day. I spent my whole life trying to be like Tony the Tiger, and look at me now.
Jim: Okay, I have a secret, but you can't tell anyone.
Dwight: What is it?
Jim: I think you're a really good salesman. Like, genuinely one of the best I've ever seen.
Dwight: Well... thank you, Jim. That means a lot coming from you.
Jim Misdirection Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: Why don't you come back to my office and I'll show you my... hard drive.
Michael: Get it?
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Michael: Hello. Wayne's World, excellent!
Michael: We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
Michael Observational Character Comedy Michael: I'll have the... chicken wings. And can you make sure they're really... hot and wet?
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Wordplay/Pun Dwight: There are exactly three ways to sniffle. The nasal cavity, the sinus cavity, and the pharyngeal cavity.
Pam: That's not... those aren't sniffles, those are just cavities.
Dwight: Exactly. Three ways.
Michael: So what do you like about Pam?
Jim: Well, she's smart, she's funny, she's kind. She's just... she's great, you know?
Michael: Yeah, but like, physically. What do you like about her physically?
Jim: I mean... she's beautiful.
Michael: Okay, but like, what specifically? Is it the legs? Everyone likes legs.
Michael: It's Jim's birthday everyone!
Hooters Waitresses: [singing] Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Jim, happy birthday to you!
Jim: [uncomfortable smile and awkward wave]
Michael: What did you talk to those waitresses about?
Jim: Oh, you know, just the usual. Sartre, Camus, the nature of existentialism.
Michael: Really? That's... that's great, Jim. That's really great.
Ryan: I've invested nothing in this job. Not one ounce of effort. And you know what the worst part is? I'd forget I even worked here.
Ryan Observational Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Michael: It's a business expense. I was networking.
Michael: I almost sold a guy a car with this trick. Almost.
Jim: You didn't sell him a car?
Michael: No, but I did make his watch disappear.
Michael: It was a legitimate business expense. We were discussing the Pemberton account over wings and beer.
Toby: Michael, Hooters isn't an appropriate venue for—
Michael: Oh, and by the way, Jim told me he's been leaving early to go to the dentist, but he's actually been going to看 Pam's apartment.
Toby: Michael, you can't just—
Michael Toby Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Dwight: I've been conducting surveillance operations since I was a boy. My father taught me. We'd stake out the neighbors' house for days at a time.
Dwight: One time, we caught three different guys sneaking out of there at night.
Dwight: Mystery solved.
Dwight Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Jim: So my secret's out. Great. I'm sure everyone's going to handle this really maturely and not make a big deal about it at all.
Jim Jim Deadpan/Understatement Meta/Self-Referential Jim: I'm in love with you.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: ...
Jim Pam Cringe/Discomfort Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Pam: So things aren't going to be awkward now, right?
Jim: Yeah, no, it's definitely going to be awkward.
Pam Jim Jim Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Dwight: I know what you did. You lied to me.
Oscar: I didn't lie to you.
Dwight: You did. And now I have you. This is extortion. Blackmail. Quid pro quo.
Oscar: That's not blackmail, that's just called talking to someone.
Dwight: I have leverage. I have dirt. I have the upper hand in this negotiation.
Dwight Character Comedy Escalation Dwight: I didn't report Oscar because, for all intents and purposes, it would be detrimental to the cohesiveness of this office. And frankly, for Pete's s-sake, I have more pressing matters to attend to.
Dwight Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Michael: Creed, did you organize that menu book like I asked?
Creed: I would have, but my car got towed.
Michael: Your car got towed? Creed, that was three weeks ago.
Creed: Yeah, well, they just found it yesterday.
Pam: What? No, Michael, Jim didn't want—
Michael: What? I'm just saying, he's a great guy and—
Pam: Okay, you know what, I'm done. I'm going back to my desk.
Michael: Wait, wait, wait. What's that movie? You know the one... with the guy... and he does the thing?
Dwight: There are thousands of movies, Michael.
Michael: No, no, it's got that really famous actor. Starts with a 'B'... or a 'T'... Big Titanic?
Jim: That's two movies.
Michael: Okay, you know what? Forget it. It's on the tip of my tongue. It's definitely called... Dangerous Minds 2?
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Michael: I'm not good at keeping secrets. I'm like a movie prostitute - I look like I can keep a secret, but everybody knows I can't.
Michael Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch ⏩ The part you fast-forward
Our scorer flagged 11:19-12:02 range with Hooters birthday scene as the stretch with the fewest or weakest comedic moments. Everything else lands harder.
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