Dwights Speech

Michael:Okay, let me think about this logically. We could say... yes. Or we could say... no.

Michael:I need to get out of this office.

Michael:Heisman!

Michael:Come on, come on, I'm open!

Kevin:No, throw it to me!

Oscar:I was wide open!

Phyllis:Pass it here!

Creed:Give me the ball!

Michael:Everyone calm down!

Kevin:Throw it!

Oscar:Now!

Ryan:I got it, I got it—

Michael:Watch out!

Ryan:Ow!

Michael:Wow, look at all these amazing deals on electronics. I wish I could just buy whatever I want.

Michael:You know what? Jim's got it figured out. No money means no temptation. He just... he doesn't have to worry about this stuff.

Michael:Wait, the pizzas can play DVDs, right?

Jim:Dwight is the Assistant Regional Manager, which sounds impressive until you realize it's just... assistant to the regional manager. He's very proud of it though.

Interviewer:Are you upset about losing to Dwight?

Jim:No, I mean, it's just a game.

Interviewer:But didn't Dwight specifically beat you?

Jim:I guess, yeah.

Interviewer:And doesn't that make you angry? That Dwight beat you?

Jim:Not really, no.

Interviewer:Dwight. Dwight beat you. Dwight's better than you.

Jim:Okay, is this... are you Dwight?

Dwight:False. I'm conducting a professional interview.

Pam:It's just... planning a wedding at work is really awkward because, you know, not everyone is happy for you. Some people are just... (long pause) ...Angela.

Michael:That's what she said.

Dwight:What? I don't get it.

Dwight:I understand innuendo perfectly. It's like when you say someone is a 'peach' but you really mean they're attractive. Or a 'tomato.' Very ripe. Very... desirable.

Dwight:I could say to a woman, 'That dress makes you look like a banana.' Yellow. Curved in all the right places. Nailed it.

Dwight:What? I clearly understand innuendo. I'm a master at it. That was textbook innuendo right there.

Michael:It's not a big deal. I've been asked to speak at the Sanderson Center two years in a row.

Michael:Consecutive.

Michael:A plaque is a hard, calcified deposit that forms on teeth. I didn't want people thinking I had a dental condition.

Michael:The word he failed to spell was literally 'failure'

Michael:Dwight, you can't give the speech? Fine. Look, you're not a public speaker. You're not charming. You're not funny. You know what you are? You're intense. You're weird. People don't like you. But you know what? You show up. You work hard. And that's... that's something, I guess.

Michael:You're an idiot, Dwight.

Dwight:Is that... is that coaching or an insult?

Michael:Can't it be both?

Angela:I wake up at 5 AM, make a healthy breakfast, and I always ask myself, 'What can I do today to make everyone around me happy?' But I don't care.

Michael:What's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?

Dwight:A salesman has a penis, a saleswoman has a vagina.

Michael:No, no, no, Dwight. That's not how you tell that joke. You gotta make it less clinical. Like this...

Michael:Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from all the perverts on this side!

Dwight:That's not better, Michael.

Michael:No? Well, I think it's hilarious.

Michael:I have great news about bonuses.

Michael:Just kidding! I wanted to see if you were all paying attention.

Michael:Yeah, so about that bonus... I may have gotten a little ahead of myself. There is no bonus. I made it up.

Dwight:I have prepared a demonstration of crisis management techniques. A bomb has been placed in the building. Everyone must evacuate in an orderly fashion.

Jim:Dwight, what are you doing?

Dwight:Michael would create a realistic scenario. The bomb is in the break room. It will detonate in five minutes.

Pam:This is insane.

Dwight:Now, someone has been shot. Who will apply a tourniquet? Ryan, you're bleeding out. Jim, you're unconscious. Erin, you've lost vision in one eye.

Michael:Okay, Dwight, that's enough.

Dwight:But sir, the demonstration isn't complete. There's a chemical spill and a hostage situation developing.

Dwight:Brad Pitt was in the accident.

Dwight:Also, our branch is closing for no logical reason.

Dwight:Brad Pitt will never act again.

Kevin:Yeah, after what he did to Angelina, nobody's gonna want to work with him.

Michael:Well, actually, Pam, there's a difference between interrupting and public interrupting.

Pam:Those are the same thing.

Michael:No. One is rude. The other is... also rude. But in front of people.

Jim:Hey Stanley, I heard you went to Sandals Jamaica. How was it?

Stanley:It was wonderful.

Jim:Oh nice, I was thinking about going there with Pam.

Stanley:You should go to Hedonism instead.

Jim:Hedonism?

Stanley:It's the same resort, but without the kids. It's all adults. You can walk around naked, you can have sex on the beach.

Jim:Wow.

Stanley:I went to Amsterdam for about a week.

Stanley:Maybe a month. I lost track of time.

Creed:If you're going to China, you should definitely say hi to my friends in China.

Dwight:Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys.

Dwight:I'm the assistant regional manager.

Jim:Assistant to the regional manager.

Michael:Yeah, that's what we all thought you meant.

Dwight:I would go to Cuba, but I can't because of the embargo. Well, I could go, but then I'd have to renounce my citizenship, and I'm not ready to do that. Although, I have been reading a lot about Middle-earth lately, so I think I'd actually go there. I'd start in the Shire, visit Rivendell, then head to Mordor to see Mount Doom.

Dwight:I've already mapped out the entire route. I have a binder. And a backup binder.

Jim:Hey Dwight, I'm thinking about taking a trip to the Caribbean next month. What do you think?

Dwight:The Caribbean? That's a waste of time and money. You should be using your vacation days to increase your productivity or learn a valuable skill. Beaches are for people with no ambition. And the hurricanes? Forget about it. You'd be better off staying home, organizing your pantry by expiration date, like a normal person.

Jim:You know what makes a great public speaker? Confidence. Vision. The ability to inspire unwavering loyalty in your followers.

Dwight:Yes, exactly!

Jim:They need to command a room. Control the narrative. Make people believe they'd follow them anywhere, no matter what.

Dwight:This is great advice, Jim.

Jim:And the best speakers? They suppress dissent. They rewrite history. They—

Dwight:Wait, that sounds like a dictator.

Jim:Exactly.

Jim:I didn't major in public speaking.

Jim:I've actually been giving Dwight fascist speech advice.

Roy:Why would we invite Jim to our wedding?

Pam:Because he's my best friend.

Roy:He's in love with you.

Pam:No, he's not.

Roy:Yes, he is. Everyone knows it.

Dwight:I appreciate you all being here, but I have to go because my car is being towed.

Dwight:It's a Schrute Farms emergency.

Angela:You never take sick days.

Dwight:That's because I'm not a burden on society. Unlike some people who call in sick every time they have a hangnail.

Michael:Excellence is... it's about being excellent. You know? It's not just doing things, it's doing them with excellence. And that's what separates the excellent from the... non-excellent.

Michael:Because when you have excellence, you're already excellent. So you've achieved excellence. Which is excellent.

Toby:I like to keep it at a nice, comfortable 69 degrees.

Ryan:Marriage is just a piece of paper. It's meaningless.

Kelly:Ryan, you need to be more sensitive to people's feelings. You can't just say whatever you want without thinking about how it affects others.

Ryan:Kelly, I don't care.

Michael:I'm sorry if what I said offended you. I apologize for any hurt feelings. What I meant to say was...

Michael:Actually, you know what, forget it. My apology is worse than the original thing I said, isn't it?

Michael:Okay, okay, check this out. *does impression* That's me doing Streetcar Named Desire. You know, 'Stella!' Classic.

Michael:*long pause* What? Nobody? Come on, that was spot on.

Dwight:Good evening. I am here to discuss the virtues of a strong, centralized authority. As Mussolini once said, 'It is better to live one day as a lion than a hundred years as a sheep.' The weak must submit to the will of the strong.

Dwight:We will conquer the world! Every nation will bow before us! This is our destiny!

Dwight:The weak shall fall! The strong shall rise! I will lead you to GLORY!

Dwight:Our enemies tremble at the mention of our name! We are UNSTOPPABLE!

Dwight:You're going to Pittsburgh? That's not traveling, that's just... leaving.

Dwight:True travel requires preparation, strategy, and a detailed itinerary. You're just taking a bus ride.

Dwight:Salespeople of Dunder Mifflin, unite! You have nothing to lose but your lack of sales quotas. We must purge the weak links from our midst and establish a pure, master race of salespeople. Only then will we achieve the thousand-year sales empire!

Jim:Yeah, so we're thinking about going to Australia next year. Pam's always wanted to go.

Jim:You know, unlike some people, we don't need to visit Middle-earth to have a good time.

Jim:I'm leaving on March 15th.

Pam:That's my wedding day.

Jim:Oh.

Michael:So the bartender cards me, right? And I'm like, 'Really? I'm 35 years old.' And he's like, 'Yeah, it's the law.' And I'm thinking, this guy has terrible judgment.

Michael:She probably realized she left her ID at home, so she went back to get it. Then she probably got in a car accident. Then she probably got amnesia. Then she probably joined the circus.

Michael:I mean, how do you entertain a man who entertains a man who entertains men? You have to think three levels deep.