Beach Games

Michael:I think I'm dying, Dwight. My chest feels weird and I can't remember the last time I felt this bad.

Dwight:Describe the pain. Is it sharp? Dull? Does it radiate to your left arm?

Michael:I don't know, man. It's just... weird.

Dwight:You may be experiencing acute myocardial infarction or possibly angina. When did the symptoms onset?

Michael:Like an hour ago? After I ate that gas station sushi.

Dwight:Then it's obviously bacterial gastroenteritis with referred pain to the thoracic cavity. You need immediate medical attention.

Jim:Oh, that? Yeah, Michael gets like that every few weeks. He'll eat an entire rotisserie chicken from the gas station, then spend the afternoon in his office with the door locked. Last time it happened, he emerged three hours later and just pretended nothing happened.

Dwight:Did you eat any animal waste?

Michael:Yeah, I might have.

Michael:And Gromit.

Michael:Why did you sigh? Jan used to sigh like that right before she'd tell me something was wrong with me.

Michael:I really hurt Jan. I feel terrible about it.

Michael:But you know what? Sometimes you gots to get your freak on.

Michael:A corporate interview? David, I'm not just going to some interview. I'm going to war. I'm going to that conference room and I'm going to show them what real leadership looks like. This is my moment. This is what I was born to do.

Michael:Okay everyone, listen up! Who's excited for the par-tay bus?

Michael:And remember, we have a potty on the bus, so there's no excuse for any accidents.

Michael:This is going to be the most fun beach trip ever. Who wants to play some fun games on the way there?

Michael:So you're telling me you don't wear a Speedo?

Oscar:No, Michael, I don't wear a Speedo.

Michael:Well, you should. I wear leather pants.

Michael:Oh Toby, I'm so sorry, but it looks like we don't have enough room on the bus for you.

Toby:What? But I signed up weeks ago.

Michael:I know, I know. It's just... these things happen. Maybe next time.

Toby:This is ridiculous.

Michael:I wish there was something I could do about it. I really do.

Michael:I'm going to take everyone to the beach. It'll be amazing. We'll have a bonfire, play volleyball, drink margaritas...

Michael:Everyone's invited. Well, everyone except Toby.

Michael:I'm not trying to be mean, but if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Toby:You should wear sunscreen. The sun can be really harsh.

Meredith:Oh, don't worry. I'll be wearing my two-piece.

Toby:...

Michael:Okay Pam, when you're doing these evaluations, I want you to focus on their work performance. Not their hotness, per se.

Michael:Okay, so if we're continuing with the chicken metaphor, I'm looking at all of you right now and I'm evaluating who could be a chicken head. And let me tell you, some of you are showing real potential.

Michael:I want you to evaluate my leadership qualities.

Pam:Well, that's impossible. You can't evaluate your own leadership.

Michael:Why not?

Pam:Because you're the one being evaluated.

Pam:I'm taking notes again? Really?

Pam:You know what, it's fine. It's always fine. I'll just sit here and write down what everyone else says while they actually do things.

Pam:This is my life now. Professional note-taker. That's on my business card.

Stanley:Beach day is supposed to be fun. You know what I'd be happy with? A chair. A cold drink. Maybe some potato salad. That's it. That's my entire life goal right there.

Stanley:No... no, no, no. Not beach volleyball. Please tell me it's not beach volleyball.

Stanley:I'm not going on any bus trip. I hate mandatory activities.

Michael:Stanley, you have to go. It's not like I'm asking you to sit in the back of the bus or anything.

Michael:Wait, that came out wrong. I didn't mean... I'm not comparing you to... that was not a Rosa Parks thing.

Michael:We're going to have funtivities!

Michael:I'm calling them 'funtivities.' Fun plus activities.

Dwight:Funtivities. Yes. I've been saying that for years.

Michael:Dwight, I appreciate your loyalty, but you're a suck-up and nobody likes you.

Dwight:But sir, I was just supporting your idea.

Michael:I know, and that's exactly the problem. You make me look bad by agreeing with everything I say.

Michael:What have you got there?

Pam:Oh, just notes from the meeting.

Michael:Let me see that.

Pam:No, it's just—

Michael:Pam, come on.

Pam:Fine.

Michael:This is a drawing of a horse.

Michael:Makes a growling noise then immediately forgives her

Michael:We are in Scranton, Pennsylvania. America's eight largest... no, wait. America's... eighth largest... no. We are in Scranton, Pennsylvania. It's a wonderful place.

Michael:In a stunning turn of events, one man will be fired today. Who will it be? Stanley Hudson or... someone else?

Stanley:What? Why would you say that?

Michael:I'm just messing with you. Relax.

Michael:I'm going to pick someone completely at random to help me with this decision.

Michael:Okay, let's see... *spins chair around* Jim! Pam! And Dwight!

Michael:Jim, your sales numbers are great, but I have to be honest with you - your efficiency is really hurting morale around here.

Jim:My efficiency is hurting morale?

Michael:Yes. You make the rest of the office look bad. Dwight's been here since 6 AM, and you waltz in at 9, and somehow you've already closed two deals. It's not fair to the other employees.

Michael:He is, however, an idiot.

Jim:You should be in Slytherin.

Dwight:Slytherin? That's the evil house. I would never be in the evil house.

Jim:Yeah, that's why I suggested it.

Jim:Our team name is Voldemort.

Dwight:You can't just say that name!

Jim:Why not? Voldemort is a great team name.

Dwight:No! Stop saying it!

Jim:Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort.

Dwight:STOP! You're going to jinx us all!

Stanley:I don't care.

Michael:What if I make it blue?

Stanley:I still don't care.

Michael:Red?

Stanley:Still don't care.

Michael:Andy, I trust you completely.

Michael:That's why I'm going to have Dwight follow you around all day.

Jim:My strategy is to lose gracefully rather than try to win.

Phyllis:Okay, I'm ready. Where's the rock?

Angela:Just walk straight. There's no rock.

Phyllis:What do you mean there's no rock? I can feel it. I can feel it right there.

Angela:Phyllis, there is literally no rock.

Phyllis:You're lying. You're all lying. I know there's a rock. It's right in front of me. I can sense it.

Angela:Oh my God, just keep walking.

Phyllis:No! No, I'm not falling for this. The rock is there and you don't want me to know about it. Why? What's so special about this rock?

Michael:Vamos, Phyllis! You can do it! That's Spanish!

Phyllis:Michael, stop. I'm not interested in your Spanish phrases right now.

Michael:But Phyllis, I'm just trying to motivate you!

Phyllis:Well, don't. It's inappropriate and it's making me uncomfortable.

Dwight:Ryan, you need to focus. Your performance has been slipping.

Ryan:I know, I've been trying.

Dwight:Trying isn't good enough, you bastard temp!

Ryan:Dwight, come on...

Dwight:Don't you 'come on' me! You're a temp, Ryan. A temp! And frankly, you're a bastard temp!

Michael:Pam, I need you to heat 800 hot dogs in 10 minutes.

Pam:Michael, that's impossible—

Michael:I don't want to hear it.

Michael:Okay everyone, listen up. I'm organizing a hot dog eating contest, and we're going for the world record.

Michael:I've cooked enough hot dogs so that everyone here can break the world record simultaneously.

Oscar:Do you have any healthier options? Like a salad or something?

Michael:Oh, I have the only healthy option here.

Oscar:Really? What is it?

Michael:It's called 'not eating hot dogs.' And I'm keeping it all to myself.

Kevin:I don't eat meat.

Kevin:I'm a vegetarian.

Michael:The prize includes a salary increase, a new car, and meaningful work.

Stanley:Can we skip the meaningful work part?

Michael:I'm going to be leaving Dunder Mifflin, and someone here will be my replacement.

Dwight:I would rather have an outsider come in and be my boss than one of my coworkers. It would be like if I had to choose between my family and a family of wolves.

Michael:Andy, you won! You ate seventeen hot dogs!

Andy:Yeah, I feel great, I'm a champion—

Andy:*vomits* Oh no.

Michael:And that's sixteen.

Andy:What did you say?

Jim:I said, 'That's sabotage.' It's a Dutch art form.

Andy:Oh, I thought you said something else.

Jim:Yeah, so I've been doing this on purpose. I figured if I just... keep messing with him, eventually he'll just snap. And honestly, it's working pretty well.

Jim:That look Stanley gave me... I've never seen anything like it. Pure rage. Like a sumo wrestler who just realized he lost.

Jim:On beach day.

Oscar:I don't want Jim or Dwight as my boss.

Jim:What? Why not?

Oscar:Because if you become boss, you'll probably transfer me to another branch.

Dwight:And if I become boss?

Oscar:You'll probably transfer me AND make me question my relationship with my husband.

Jim:That's... oddly specific.

Oscar:And then I'll have to experiment with women to figure myself out, and honestly, I don't have the emotional energy for that right now.

Andy:Angela, I'm floating away! I need help!

Angela:Floating away? Andy, that doesn't make any sense. You're standing right there.

Andy:No, I'm literally floating up into the air! Can't you see that?

Angela:What I see is someone who needs to stop being so dramatic and get back to work.

Andy:Angela, please, I need your help!

Angela:Goodbye.

Andy:Wait, no!

Michael:What's the point total?

Pam:Well, you said whoever gets the most points wins, but you also said the person with the least points wins.

Michael:Right, so...?

Pam:So those are two different things, Michael.

Michael:So what's the conversion? Like, how many points equal a gold star? And how many gold stars equal a thumbs up?

Pam:I don't think there is a conversion.

Michael:Well, there has to be. I'm sure it's written down somewhere. Maybe in one of these notebooks.

Karen:And I'm very detail-oriented, as well.

Jim:In a well? You work in a well?

Karen:What? No, as well. As well.

Jim:Oh, so you've been down in the well for how long now?

Karen:I said AS WELL, not IN a well!

Jim:Right, right, and do they lower your lunch down in a bucket?

Pam:I want to try the coal walk.

Michael:Absolutely not. You'll burn your feet off.

Pam:But you just said we can do anything if we believe in ourselves.

Michael:Yeah, well, I believe in you. I believe in you staying off hot coals.

Michael:Jim, I'm challenging you to walk on coals.

Jim:No.

Michael:Why not?

Jim:Because that's a terrible idea and your judgment is harsh.

Andy:Hello! I'm Andy Bernard, Regional Director of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Michael:I don't need to do a coal walk. I already did fire walking.

Michael:Remember when my condo burned down? That was fire walking.

Dwight:I will do the coal walk. I am prepared to walk across burning coals.

Michael:Dwight, no, that's not—

Dwight:I am already removing my shoes.

Dwight:The coals cannot hurt me. Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Dwight:AHHHHH! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF MY FEET!

Dwight:I DEMAND YOU GIVE ME THIS JOB! THE JOB IS MINE!

Michael:Somebody get water! Call 911!

Pam:Is he okay?!

Jim:Someone stop him!

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dwight, you can't be doing stuff like that at the office. What if a client saw that? We have a reputation to maintain.

Michael:Bob Hope, now that's a comedian.

Kelly:Bob Hope? I love Amanda Bynes!

Michael:No, Bob Hope. He's a legend.

Kelly:Yeah, Amanda Bynes is a legend too.

Michael:Kelly, Bob Hope was born in 1903.

Kelly:Okay, and? Amanda Bynes was born in 1986. That's way more recent, so she's better.

Jim:So I'm interviewing for this corporate job...

Michael:Okay, okay, I'm not laughing yet, but I see where you're going with this.

Jim:No, Michael, I'm actually interviewing. For a real job.

Michael:Right, right, the setup is good. So what's the punchline?

Jim:There is no punchline. I got the job offer.

Michael:That's not funny, Jim. That's just sad.

Dwight:A family walks into a talent agent's office. The agent says, 'What do you do?' The father says, 'We have an act.' The agent says, 'Let's see it.' And then... well, let's just say it's a very offensive act that I cannot repeat in mixed company. The agent says, 'That's disgusting! What do you call yourselves?' And they say, 'The Aristocrats!'

Pam:Michael, I need to talk to you about this. I don't think that's the right decision, and I'm not going to just sit back and agree with everything you say anymore.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pam, where is this coming from?

Pam:It's coming from me actually having an opinion. And you know what? I'm allowed to have one.

Pam:You know what? I'm done being nice about this. I invited every single one of you to my art show, and not one person showed up. Not one.

Pam:Michael, you said you'd be there. Jim, you said you'd be there. Dwight, you didn't say anything, but I invited you anyway because apparently I hate myself.

Pam:Do you have any idea what that feels like? To put yourself out there, to create something, and have the people you work with, the people you see every day, just completely ignore it?

Pam:So congratulations, everyone. You've officially made me give up on my dreams. I hope you're happy.

Pam:I called off the wedding because I realized I didn't want to marry Roy. I was settling. I thought that's what I was supposed to do, but... I didn't love him. Not the way I should.

Pam:The real reason though? It's because of Jim. I'm in love with Jim. I have been for a long time. And I couldn't marry Roy knowing that.

Pam:Jim was the catalyst for me ending my engagement to Roy.

Pam:My feet are killing me from that coal walk.

Pam:I mean, just Jim. Not like, the whole group or anything.

Michael:Wow, Pam, that was... that was really something. You know what? I think you're ready for a promotion.

Pam:Michael, that's not what this was about.

Michael:No, no, I'm serious. I'm going to talk to corporate. You've really impressed me today. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your performance here at Dunder Mifflin?

Andy:Yabba dabba doo!