Branch Closing

Jim:So I've been sending Dwight faxes from the future warning him about things that are about to happen.

Jim:It's the perfect prank because he can never prove they're not real.

Dwight:These faxes are clearly from my future self. I need to take them seriously.

Jim:And that's the beauty of it.

Jim:Dwight, that coffee is poisoned.

Dwight:What? Who poisoned it?

Jim:I don't know, but I'd be careful.

Dwight:Everyone stop! Nobody drink that coffee! It's been poisoned!

Dwight:Step away from the break room immediately. This is a biohazard situation.

Michael:Jan... Levinson. Wow. It's been a while. You know, I was just thinking about you. Actually, I was thinking about your... assets. I mean, your business assets. Although, let's be honest, those are pretty impressive too.

Jan:Michael...

Michael:Who authorized the closing of the branch?

Jan:You did. You signed the papers.

Michael:So what does this mean for me? Am I staying or going?

Jan:You're being let go, Michael.

Kevin:Yeah, I got you. I'll call you if I find out anything.

Michael:Well, if Josh is so important to the company's future, why does he have such a stupid face?

Michael:Jan, you can't close this branch. This is personal, isn't it? This is about us.

Jan:Michael, this is a business decision.

Michael:No, it's not. You're closing the branch because I won't take you back. That's what this is about.

Michael:People say 'money doesn't grow on trees,' but you know what? If it did, I'd have the best employees in the world. Because Stanley would just be out there, shaking the branches all day long.

Michael:You think employees grow on trees? No. They grow on farms. Big farms. And when they're ripe for plucking, you pluck them. That's management.

Dwight:I have a very specific, complex system for reading Michael's moods. It's like a book: 'Michael Scott: A Man, His Moods, and Why You Should Never Ask Him About His Childhood.'

Dwight:I'm not just a character in this story. I'm a co-author. In fact, I should get top billing. Schrute's Guide to Life: A Novel by Dwight Kurt Schrute III and... Jim Halpert. No, scratch that. Just Dwight Kurt Schrute III. Jim's just a supporting character.

Jim:gklch

Jim:That's Scranton.

Pam:Are you okay?

Michael:Am I okay? Yeah, I'm great. I'm in the best shape of my life. I've never been better.

Michael:Can you walk any slower? We're in the middle of a crisis here.

Toby:I'm walking as fast as I can.

Michael:Well, it's not fast enough.

Andy:The cruel irony of receiving new business cards on the day the branch closes.

Kelly:If this company gets restructured and I lose my job, I'm going to kill myself... like that guy in 'The Pursuit of Happyness.'

Michael:Meredith, remember that time we agreed you'd cover my shift?

Meredith:No. That never happened.

Michael:Yes it did! You promised me. We shook on it.

Meredith:Michael, that was you shaking my hand goodbye when I was leaving early. You were drunk.

Meredith:Well, that was weird.

Stanley:I'm not just happy to see this branch close. I'm thrilled. I'm overjoyed. I'm taking my severance package and I'm going to sit on my porch and pretend to fish.

Stanley:You know what? Getting fired is almost as good as my dramatic exit fantasy.

Roy:Work without Pam is just... it's like loading trucks all day with no purpose.

Stanley:You know what? I'm not even worried. I've been waiting for this day my whole life. I'm retiring. I'm going to sit on my porch, drink pretzel day lemonade, and never think about this place again.

Stanley:Retiring. Best day of my life.

Michael:Don't worry about me. I'll land on my feet.

Darryl:I wasn't.

Michael:Darryl, I know things have been tough since you left the warehouse. But you're going to find something great. You're talented, you're smart...

Darryl:Michael, I appreciate it, but I'm actually doing great. I've got some consulting offers, a couple business ideas in the works...

Michael:Oh. Well, that's... that's great, buddy.

Darryl:Yeah. How about you? How are things going for you?

Michael:Me? I'm... I'm good. Really good.

Darryl:Because I heard corporate is doing layoffs.

Michael:What? No... that's just a rumor.

Michael:You know, this restructuring is like... it's like someone coming into my house and saying, 'Hey, we're gonna take your bedroom, we're gonna take your kitchen, we're gonna leave you with the hallway.' And I'm like, 'But this is my house! I built this house!'

Michael Scott:Some of you may have heard rumors about the branch closing.

Unnamed Employee:You announced it.

Dwight:I call shotgun!

Michael:Dwight, you're the only one going.

Dwight:Exactly. Shotgun.

Michael:I have the CFO's address. It was on his Christmas card.

Dwight:You got a Christmas card from the CFO?

Michael:No, I sent him one. I got his address from the company directory and I cross-referenced it with the Christmas card list.

Dwight:But you've never met him.

Michael:Exactly. That's why I need to send him a card. So he knows who I am.

Ryan:Kelly and I broke up. She said I changed. I said, 'No, I didn't.' She said, 'Yes, you did.' I said, 'No, I didn't.' So we broke up.

Ryan:But honestly, I'm not even that upset about it.

Michael:I'm going to go talk to the CFO about the budget cuts. I've been doing my research, and I'm going in prepared. I watched Bowling for Columbine.

Michael:So I'm going to bowl him over with facts and logic. Classic bowling strategy.

Jan:We're prepared to offer you the regional manager position at our Scranton branch, along with a significant raise and expanded responsibilities.

Josh:Well, that's... that's great. But I actually have to tell you something. I've accepted a position at Staples.

Jan:You're leaving? After we just offered you everything you said you wanted?

Josh:Yeah, I was using this whole thing as leverage to negotiate a better deal over there.

Jan:The entire plan was built around Josh.

Dwight:As CFO, I've reviewed our quarterly projections. We're hemorrhaging money. Our sales are down 23%, overhead is up 40%, and frankly, this branch is operating at a loss.

Michael:Okay, okay, Dwight, you can stop the role play now.

Dwight:I'm not role playing. These are the actual numbers. At this rate, we'll be bankrupt in 18 months. We need to make cuts immediately. Starting with redundant middle management.

Michael:Dwight... come on, man.

Michael:Okay, let's try this again. And Dwight, this time keep your hands to yourself.

Dwight:I wasn't touching you.

Michael:Your hand was on my shoulder the entire time.

Kelly:Will you sign my company directory?

Pam:Sure.

Kelly:Make it personal.

Pam:Dear Kelly, you're a shining star in the office. We're just trying to get by.

Jan:We'd really like you to come back to Scranton.

Jim:I appreciate that, but... there's a lot of personal stuff going on right now.

Michael:Meredith, I need to ask you something and I need you to be completely honest with me.

Michael:Did you... did you proposition me earlier?

Meredith:What? No.

Michael:Are you sure? Because someone said something to me and it was very forward.

Meredith:It wasn't me.

Michael:Was it about my... my appearance?

Meredith:Michael, no.

Michael:Because if it was, I want you to know that I'm flattered, but I'm also very committed to my relationship with Holly.

Meredith:I don't know what you're talking about.

Michael:Okay, okay. But if hypothetically, someone were to proposition me, would it be weird for me to say yes?

Jim:You should really apply to art school, Pam. You're talented enough.

Pam:Jim, I've been going for six months.

Jim:That's great! When did you—

Pam:You literally drove me to my first class.

Dwight:Satellite TV. That means wealth.

Dwight:These coffee grounds are too fine. Someone's been grinding them with a mortar and pestle. That's not standard procedure.

Dwight:Which means someone in this office is either making extremely artisanal coffee, or they're cutting cocaine.

Dwight:I'm going to assume it's the cocaine.

Jim:Okay, so where should we go for lunch?

Pam:I'm thinking Italian.

Dwight:Italian is for people who don't appreciate efficiency. We should go to Schrute Farms. I will prepare beets.

Ryan:Actually, I know this really exclusive place in the city that just opened. Very exclusive.

Kevin:Does it have breadsticks?

Oscar:Can we just agree on something that doesn't involve a 45-minute debate?

Michael:You know what? I'm the boss, so I'm making an executive decision. We're going to Chili's.

Everyone:Nooo!

Creed:We should go to that new place on 5th Street. I heard they have really fresh meat.

Female employee:Creed, no.

Michael:I have an announcement to make. Corporate has made a decision about the future of this branch.

Jan:Effective immediately, the Stamford branch will be closing.

Michael:All employees here at Scranton will be retained.

Michael:Your jobs are safe.

Pam:Wait, Michael actually helped?

Andy:You know, I always have a backup plan. I went to Cornell. You know that, right? I went to Cornell.

Jim:Yeah, we know.

Andy:Cornell. It's an Ivy League school. Maybe you've heard of it? Cornell?

Jim:We got it the first time.

Ryan:Well, if Jim comes back, I guess I'll just have to give up my job.

Pam:Yeah, that would be great.

Kelly:Wait, so you're saying my job is secure?

Kelly:Oh my God, that's amazing! That means Ryan and I can stay together!

Kelly:He's been acting so weird lately, like he doesn't even want to be around me, but now I don't have to break up with him!

Karen:You're seriously considering transferring to Scranton? That's in the middle of nowhere.

Jim:It's not that bad. I could be closer to my family.

Karen:Jim, we're in New York. You're going to move to Pennsylvania to be closer to your family? Your family is in Scranton.

Jim:Yeah, that's the point.

Karen:No, I mean... you're already close to New York. Why would you leave New York to go to Scranton?

Creed:Thanks. Yeah, I've made more money in the last three years than I ever did selling pharmaceutical equipment. You know what the secret is? Chaos. People panic, they do stupid things. I've cleaned up.

Gary:Yeah, Meredith, remember our deal from back in the day?

Meredith:Oh yeah, absolutely. Of course.

Gary:Great, so I'm coming to collect.

Meredith:You got it.

Michael:What if the office actually goes under?

Dwight:Then I would have to kill myself.

Michael:What's your favorite Dunder Mifflin memory?

Dwight:Oh, that's easy. The time you told me I had the 'face of a serial killer' and made me stand in front of the office while everyone stared at me for twenty minutes. I felt so alive. My heart was racing. It was like a vision quest.

Michael:My favorite moment was when Dwight told me he was getting married.

Dwight:And my favorite moment was when you found out Angela was sleeping with the Senator.

Kevin:Jim's back from his sales call.

Pam:Oh. That's... nice.

Jim:Pam, we need to talk about what happened.

Pam:I know, I know. But first, did you get a chance to look at the printer? It's been jamming all morning.

Jim:I mean, if they offer it to you, you should totally take it.

Pam:Really? You think so?

Jim:Yeah, absolutely. It's a great opportunity.

Pam:Okay. Well, thanks for the support.

Jim:You're welcome. I'm happy for you.

Pam:Thanks. That's... that's really nice of you to say.

Pam:Jim's been really encouraging about my art. He's like, really supportive, you know? And I guess... I'm kind of into him.

Michael:I've failed. I've failed at everything. My marriage, my career, my relationships with my kids...

Michael:I'm a fraud. A complete and utter fraud.

Michael:Nobody respects me. Not my employees, not corporate, not even Jan.

Michael:I'm the worst boss in the history of bosses. Worse than Hitler.

Michael:And now I'm comparing myself to Hitler. That's how far I've fallen.

Michael:We're closing the Stamford branch!

Michael:This is the best day of my life! We did it! We actually did it!

Dwight:What? I thought you were devastated five seconds ago.

Michael:Dwight, that was before I found out Stamford was closing. Now it's a celebration!

Michael:Yes! We did it! We won!

Michael:I have absolutely no idea what we just accomplished, but we crushed it.

Michael:You know, I thought about Costa Rica for a second. But then I realized I can't leave my job. So I'm gonna wait until I retire. Then I'm gonna go to Costa Rica and live like a king.