The Convict

Michael:Oh, who's a little manager? You are! Yes, you are! I wonder what you're thinking about... Are you thinking about TPS reports? Ooh, somebody didn't use a cover sheet! That's a paddlin'! You know what? When you grow up, you're gonna work in an office just like Daddy, and you're gonna have a boss who doesn't appreciate you, and you're gonna sit in a cubicle, and you're gonna dream about the weekend!

Michael:Oh, who's a little cutie? Who's got the softest little butt? You do! Yes, you do!

Michael:I'm gonna take you home and show you my crib. We're gonna get you into something more comfortable...

Michael:That's what she said... about babies and breasts.

Michael:Wait, is it you? Are you the ex-convict? You look like you could be.

Toby:What? No.

Michael:Hmm. Well, you're a sex offender, aren't you?

Toby:No!

Michael:Okay, well, we'll figure it out.

Jan:Which employee do you think is the criminal?

Michael:Wow, that's racist.

Michael:It's obviously Stanley.

Michael:I mean, look, I'm all for being progressive. But a black convict? That seems a little... I don't know, expected? I want someone more forward-thinking.

Michael:Like, what about an Asian convict? Someone who's committed crimes in an eco-friendly way? Maybe they only stole hybrid cars. That's the future I want to see.

Michael:What could Martin have possibly done that was so bad? Maybe he... I don't know, wore a really loud tie to a meeting? That's not a crime!

Michael:Everyone, we need to protect this convict for workplace safety. He's one of us now.

Angela:Oh yes, because nothing says 'safe workplace' like harboring a fugitive. I feel so protected.

Jim:Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim speaking.

Andy:Hey Jim, it's Andy. Yeah, I'm calling because I just got back from the doctor and apparently I have a really bad case of hemorrhoids.

Andy:Jim, I need your dating advice. How do I win Kelly back?

Jim:Andy, I don't think that's a good idea.

Andy:Come on, just tell me what works. Is it money? Because I can throw money at her. Or maybe I need to be more of a bad boy. I could cheat on her, that seems to be her thing.

Jim:Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Angela would rather die than be with me. And honestly, I'd rather die than be with Angela. So we'd both just be dead.

Jim:Just be cool about it, okay? Don't make a big deal out of this.

Dwight:Cool? COOL?! There's a CONVICT in this office! We need to implement a new security protocol immediately! I'm calling the police! Everyone needs to be armed! We should barricade the doors!

Dwight:I have serious reservations about having a convict in the office. However, I am committed to diversity and inclusion. We must all make an effort. So I will call him by his preferred name, give him respect, and treat him as an equal. We are all the same, really. Black, white, convict, halfie.

Jim:Okay, here's what Pam likes: she likes guys who are really into their hair. The more product, the better. She also loves when guys talk about themselves constantly. And whatever you do, don't ask her any questions about herself. She thinks that's boring.

Michael:Anyone who doesn't trust Martin is ignorant. I mean, look at him. He's clearly a man of integrity and intelligence.

Michael:I've done my research. Well, not research exactly, but I have a gut feeling, and my gut is never wrong.

Michael:I'm not racist. I trust black people more than white people.

Pam:Michael, that doesn't make you not racist.

Michael:Yes it does. I'm very progressive. Hey, your dad kind of looks like Danny Glover.

Pam:He's not black.

Michael:I know, I'm just saying he has that Danny Glover... vibe.

Michael:Jesus was like the ultimate boxer. He could take a punch, he turned the other cheek... He's like Apollo Creed, but immortal.

Andy:That's not... Jesus wasn't a boxer.

Michael:Not with that attitude.

Michael:Picture a convict. What do you see? Go ahead, picture it.

Michael:I'm guessing you pictured a black man.

Michael:Well, it's time to switch gears. I want you to picture a convict again. But this time, picture a middle-aged white woman.

Michael:That's the face of crime in the new millennium.

Martin Shkreli:And that's how insider trading works.

Michael Scott:Wait... that's literally my job description.

Martin:Yeah, my prison cell was about this big.

Martin:Michael's office is actually smaller.

Martin:The prison has a gymnasium, a library, and three meals a day.

Kevin:Wait, three meals a day? We don't even get that here.

Stanley:And you get time off for good behavior.

Kevin:I want to go to prison.

Hannah:You need to be careful with paperclips around the baby. They're a choking hazard.

Michael:Oh my God, are we running out of paperclips? Because I can call corporate right now.

Hannah:No, the baby could choke on them.

Michael:Right, right. So we need to order more. I'm calling corporate.

Andy:Hey Pam, are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears.

Pam:That's... not a compliment, Andy.

Andy:No, no, I mean like, you're so beautiful that—

Pam:I know what you meant. Jim told you to say that, didn't he?

Andy:I... maybe?

Andy:Ay-pay, ou-yay ook-lay eautiful-bay oday-tay.

Pam:What are you doing?

Andy:It's pig Latin. Jim said it would be seductive.

Pam:Jim told you to speak pig Latin to me?

Andy:He said women find it charming. Oay-day ou-yay ant-way o-tay et-gay offee-cay ith-way e-may?

Pam:Wow.

Michael:These are actually 5-pound weights. Very efficient. It's all about the reps.

Ryan:Michael, those are dumbbells for a toddler.

Michael:That's what you think. But I'm doing a thousand reps. A thousand reps of five pounds is like... five thousand pounds total.

Ryan:That's not how math works.

Michael:Okay, well, that's what I'm choosing to believe.

Michael:This office is the American Dream! You got fluorescent lighting, a water cooler, a desk with your name on it—well, not your name, the company's name. But still!

Michael:Prison? Please. You think those guys would trade their three meals a day and a cot for this? We have a break room!

Michael:I'm telling you, if I had a choice between working here and prison, I'd—I'd definitely work here. Because this is where the real freedom is.

Jim:You play banjo? That's awesome, man.

Andy:Yeah, I've been playing since I was a kid.

Jim:Well, here's my advice: play it badly. Like, really badly. Don't practice, don't learn proper technique. Just make the worst sounds possible.

Andy:Why would I do that?

Jim:Because Pam hates the banjo. If you're terrible at it, maybe she'll finally respect you.

Michael:I'm Prison Mike. I've been to prison.

Employee:You went to prison?

Michael:Minimum security. But I was the man on the inside. I ran the joint. I had a sweet deal going. I had a roommate named Roommate. Best friend I ever had. And I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said 'You're moving with your auntie and your uncle in Bel Air.' But for real though, prisoners eat the best Bologna. It's the Bolognese of Bolognas.

Employee:Wait, how long were you in prison?

Michael:...Fifteen minutes. I was wrongly accused. But it aged me.

Oscar:You know what? I don't believe you. I don't think you ever went to prison.

Michael:Okay, you know what? I'm gonna say this one time and one time only. You will never disrespect Prison Mike. You understand me? I will knock you out. I will knock you the fuck out. Don't you ever disrespect Prison Mike. You got that, you little beeyotch?

Michael:You know, I've been to prison. Well, I haven't actually been to prison, but I know a lot about it from movies and TV. The point is, Ryan, prison is no joke. You got the gangs, you got the violence, you got the... the conjugal visits.

Ryan:Michael, why are you telling me this?

Michael:Because I care about you, that's why. I'm Prison Mike, and I'm here to scare you straight. You don't want to end up in the big house, my friend.

Kelly:How do you know all this stuff about prison?

Michael:I've done a lot of research. I've read 15 books on the subject, watched 200 hours of prison documentaries, and I've talked to like 5 guys who have been to prison.

Kelly:That doesn't add up.

Michael:Actually, it does. 15 plus 200 plus 5 equals 220.

Prison Mike:I kidnapped the President's son. They never caught me.

Michael Scott:First day in the joint, you eat gruel. Nothing but gruel. Thin, watery gruel. By the second day, you're begging for more gruel. By the third day, you'll take anything. Anything. Inmates start eating their own hair. That's what it comes to. Hair. Your own hair. Pulling it out of your head and eating it because you're so hungry.

Dwight:What was the worst thing about prison?

Michael:The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and they'd come down and they'd suck the souls out of your body and it hurt.

Andy:That's a Harry Potter reference.

Michael:No it's not.

Andy:You just said 'Expecto Patronum.'

Michael:So? Lots of people say that. It doesn't mean anything.

Martin:Well, Michael's never actually been to prison. He watched a lot of TV in the '80s, so his knowledge is pretty much based on Orange Is the New Black and Scared Straight.

Martin:But I appreciate his commitment to the bit.

Michael:Okay everyone, listen up. I'm locking this door because I need to teach you all a very important lesson about freedom.

Michael:You see, you don't appreciate freedom until it's taken away from you.

Employee:Michael, what are you doing? Let us out!

Michael:No! Not until you've learned your lesson. This is called experiential learning.

Michael:Wait, Toby, you're saying that was just teasing? That I shouldn't be worried about going to prison?

Toby:Yes, Michael. It was just joking around. No one was actually threatening you with prison.

Michael:Alright, you're all free to go. I'm letting you out early.

Michael:Consider this time served. You've done your time in the pen.

Michael:Unnecessarily bringing up race when no one asked