Fun Run

Michael:She made me breakfast.

Michael:Well, she bought milk. Soy milk. But still.

Michael:That's what I'm talking about. That's the kind of thing that keeps a man going. You know, you work all day, you come home, and there's... there's a condo.

Jim:So Dwight, I heard you paid for a celebrity sex tape online?

Dwight:That's false. I would never.

Jim:Really? Because I have the receipt right here.

Dwight:That could be anyone's name. Dwight Schrute is a common name.

Jim:It says 'Dwight K. Schrute, Beet Farm, Schrute Farms.'

Dwight:My computer was hacked. By terrorists. Foreign terrorists.

Jim:Uh-huh. And the credit card?

Dwight:Identity theft! Jim, identity theft is not a joke. Millions of families suffer every year.

Kelly:Jim and Pam are totally together. I can tell because they smile at each other. That's like, the main thing couples do.

Michael:I have some very sad news. There's been an accident. Meredith was hit by a car.

Michael:She's going to be okay.

Jim:Why does he always do that? Why does he announce something important and then immediately contradict himself? It's like he's trying to give us all heart attacks.

Michael:It's not even that bad. I mean, a pelvical fracture? That's like, barely a fracture. It's more of a suggestion.

Michael:I was first on the scene. I'm a hero.

Michael:I hit her with my car.

Jim:Who was driving?

Michael:

Jim:Oh my God, you were driving.

Michael:I've hit a lot of things in my life. And when I do, I just keep driving.

Jim:That's not okay.

Michael:Speed bumps, Jim. I call them speed bumps.

Stanley:Meredith got hit by a car.

Kevin:Oh my God! Is she okay?

Stanley:I don't know, but she's been hit by cars before.

Todd Packer:Why did you hit Meredith?

Michael Scott:I didn't hit her, it was an accident.

Todd Packer:Come on, what'd she do?

Michael Scott:No, seriously, it was a complete accident.

Todd Packer:Was it because she wouldn't sleep with you?

Michael Scott:What? No!

Todd Packer:Did she say something bad about your hair?

Michael Scott:Todd, no—

Todd Packer:Did she refuse to laugh at one of your jokes? Did she look at you the wrong way? Did she exist in the same general vicinity as you?

Angela:Cats are not social creatures. Sprinkles doesn't need another cat. She needs a quiet place to sit and judge people.

Jim:But don't you think she gets lonely?

Angela:If I got Sprinkles another cat, they would either ignore each other or worse, become nemeses. One would end up dead. Possibly both. It's like high school all over again.

Michael:I'm like the top dog, the alpha male, and Ryan is like a little fish in a big pond. Actually, no, I'm the pond. And he's the fish. Or wait, I'm the fish and he's... no, I'm definitely the pond.

Michael:If I punch Meredith and it is full of bones, and I punch her again, that's assault. But if I punch her and I don't know that she's full of bones, that's on her.

Jim:That's not... that's not how the law works.

Michael:Okay, I know a little bit about the law. I've watched all three 'My Cousin Vinny' movies.

Toby:That's not how the law works, Michael.

Michael:Well, what do you want me to do? I'll take 'Employment Law' for $400.

Toby:That's... that's not what I meant.

Michael:What? I'm good at Jeopardy.

Angela:Dwight, I need you to take care of Sprinkles while I'm away. He's very sick.

Dwight:I will treat him with the utmost care. I have experience with all animals.

Angela:Thank you. And please, don't let him near Meredith.

Dwight:Why would the alkie have access to your cat?

Angela:Sprinkles needs her thyroid medication every morning with a quarter cup of wet food.

Angela:Then at noon, she gets her probiotic supplement mixed into her afternoon snack.

Angela:At 3 PM, she needs her antacid tablet crushed and dissolved in exactly two ounces of filtered water.

Angela:Before bed, she requires her anxiety medication, her joint supplement, and a warm compress applied to her lower back.

Angela:And whatever you do, do not let that infected tail wound get wet. It's been seeping a brownish pus for three weeks now and I like to keep it that way so I can monitor the progression.

Michael:I'm not perfect. I have flaws. I sometimes hit people with my car.

Michael:So sue me.

Michael:Wait, no, don't sue me. I have no money. I have debts. Serious debts.

Michael:While Meredith is unconscious, I just want to say that she is a hard worker and a good mother.

Jim:She's not unconscious, she's just sleeping.

Michael:Well, she looks better this way.

Meredith:I'm on painkillers.

Creed:Oh yeah? Which ones? Oxycodone? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl patches?

Meredith:Just regular ones.

Creed:Hmm. If you ever need to switch it up, I know a guy.

Michael:The Bible says we should forgive people. It's like, uh, 'Cleanliness is next to godliness.' See? I know the Bible.

Michael:I don't need to be liked. I need to be respected.

Michael:It's not a popularity contest. Although, if it were, I would win by a landslide.

Michael:But I don't care about that. What matters is that people respect me.

Michael:Although, I do care if they like me. A little bit. Okay, a lot.

Michael:Please like me.

Angela:Were there any problems with the cat-sitting?

Dwight:No, no problems. Well, the cat died.

Angela:What?!

Dwight:But other than that, smooth sailing.

Dwight:I'm sorry for your loss. He's in a better place now.

Dwight:The freezer. It's a better place for a body.

Michael:We've had so many tragedies in this office lately. First, I called my cat 'Prinkles' instead of 'Sprinkles.' Then I declared the office cursed.

Michael:I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Dwight:A cat is just a small, furry horse. On a farm, we would not grieve over a horse. We would replace it and move on.

Creed:I'm not a religious man, but I'm very spiritual. I've been involved with a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You make more money as a leader, but you make more friends as a follower.

Michael:So Ryan, what religion are you?

Ryan:Well, I'm not really religious, but I'm spiritual. I believe in a higher power, but not necessarily God. I'm more of a free-thinking individualist who embraces Eastern philosophy while maintaining Western pragmatism. I'd say I'm agnostic-leaning atheist with Buddhist and Taoist influences, but I also respect Judeo-Christian values. I'm basically just trying to figure out who I am, you know?

Michael:So... Jewish?

Dwight:When an animal is sick, the humane thing to do is to put it down. If Meredith were a dog, I would do her a favor. But she's not a dog. She's a woman. And I'm not a monster. So instead, I'm going to offer her an alternative.

Dwight:Meredith, I'm going to pay for you to go to a hospital in Switzerland where they specialize in people like you. The doctors there have seen it all. They will know what to do.

Doctor:According to your medical history, you were bitten by a bat in 2008.

Meredith:Yeah, that was crazy.

Doctor:It says here that Dwight Schrute was responsible for the incident.

Dwight:In my defense, I was trying to demonstrate proper bat handling techniques.

Meredith:You threw it at me!

Dwight:It was a teaching moment.

Michael:You know what? I'm done with God. I'm looking for alternatives. Maybe I'll try sacrificing to Zeus.

Michael:Or a griffin. Do griffins accept sacrifices? What about a sphinx?

Michael:I could offer a blood oath to a hydra. Or maybe just... a really nice goat to a Minotaur.

Michael:You know what, forget it. I'm just gonna sacrifice my dignity to a unicorn at this point.

Michael:I didn't hit Meredith with my car on purpose. It was an accident.

Dwight:An accident? Michael, I once hit someone with a baseball bat.

Michael:What? When?

Dwight:Last week. In the parking lot. With my car.

Michael:I hit her with my car. And I have been... wracked with guilt. But then I found out that rabies is fatal. So... I essentially saved her life.

Michael:Do you think there's a God?

Michael:I mean, like, what if we're all just like, you know, atoms and stuff, and there's no God? That would be crazy, right?

Michael:Because like, if there is a God, then like, how come He lets bad things happen? And also, like, is Jesus God's son? Or is Jesus also God? Because that's confusing.

Kevin:Jim and Pam, they're like a PB&J sandwich. You know why? P and J. It's perfect.

Pam:My ex-boyfriend's name was Anderson, and my current boyfriend's name is Anderson. It's like I have a type, except the type is just... Anderson.

Michael:I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Michael:Stanley, you need to run. I'm like a powerful fat man from the olden days.

Andy:So I've been training for this 5K, and I've developed this whole theory about nipple chafing. See, it starts with moisture accumulation around mile one, then by mile two you hit what I call the 'friction peak,' and if you don't address it by mile two point five, you enter what I'm convinced is a cyclical pattern where the chafing actually becomes worse because your body tries to compensate by producing more sweat, which then exacerbates the original problem. It's actually fascinating when you think about it.

Angela:Evidence suggests my cat was alive when it was put in the freezer.

Jim:So what's your strategy for the race?

Dwight:I'm going to run really fast at the beginning to tire out my competitors, then I'll slow down and pass them while they're exhausted.

Jim:That's... that's the opposite of how racing works.

Dwight:False. I've trained extensively. I'll be fine.

Jim:Okay, fine. We're dating.

Pam:We've been dating for a while now.

Jim:We just didn't want to make it a big thing at work.

Pam:Everyone stares at us enough already.

Pam:So where does all the money go?

Michael:Well, a lot of it goes to rabies prevention.

Pam:Rabies prevention?

Michael:Yeah, you know, so people don't get rabies. It's a very dangerous disease.

Pam:Michael, I don't think this charity is about rabies.

Michael:Well, it should be. Rabies kills like, thousands of people a year.

Michael:A college fund for Jake? That's a great idea. You know what? I'll put in 50 bucks. No, wait—Jake's what, like 16 now? By the time he goes to college, 50 bucks isn't gonna mean anything. I'd be better off just giving him herpes.

Pam:I saw Michael naked. I can't unsee it.

Jim:Well, that's a lot of bad grammar down there. I mean, there are some serious comma splices.

Pam:Everyone always says to picture people naked when you're nervous. Like that's supposed to make you less afraid. But I've done that and it just made things worse. Now I can't stop picturing everyone naked and it's terrifying. I need everyone to wear MORE clothes. Like, a lot more clothes. Hazmat suits. Full body coverage at all times.

Michael:Fact: bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Jim:What are you doing?

Michael:Bears do not... what is going on? What are you doing?

Dwight:When I die, I want to come back as a beet farmer.

Michael:Fact. Rabies. Rabies is spread through blood. If there's no blood, then there's no rabies. Myth.

Michael:I'm like Forrest Gump. You know, I'm just running, and people want to follow me for some reason.

Michael:But I'm not an idiot. I'm actually very smart.

Michael:I went to business school. Well, I went to a business seminar once. It was at a Holiday Inn.

Dwight:I put it in Toby's coffee this morning. By now it should be taking effect.

Dwight:Wait. Oh no. That was the happy pill. I was supposed to use the other one.

Angela:Dwight, did you kill Sprinkles?

Dwight:Angela, I'm not going to lie to you. Yes, I did. But it was a mercy killing. The cat was suffering. I was doing what was best for the animal.

Angela:You killed my cat!

Dwight:I executed it humanely. I used a method that causes no pain. The cat is in a better place now.

Angela:I've been doing research on cat afterlife. According to my faith, animals don't have souls, so Sprinkles is just... gone. But I've also read that cats are God's creatures, so maybe there's a special place for them. I'm going to assume there is, because the alternative is unacceptable.

Pam:I've seen you naked.

Michael:Seeing someone naked and knowing them are two very different things.

Michael:I ran a 5K. I puked. I have no idea if that means I won or lost the race.