Dunder Mifflin Infinity

How dare you?

Is this about me and Jan in my office? Because I'll have you know that that was consensual... We're very discreet. And most people had left by that point.

For the record, I've never been involved with anyone at work in any capacity.

Tuna!

Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us?

Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy... Because today... is the day... that Jim and Pam... become one. Actually, we're dating for 2 months.

Phone's ringing. No, no. Pam, let'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder-Mifflin chime out your love.

My heart soars... with the eagle's nest.

Pam is the office mattress.

Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office?

Can you make that straighter? That's what she said.

How can you even use that one naturally? Blowing up balloons, I thought.

Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.

It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed. Her name was Sprinkles. And his name is Garbage.

Most calls him Garbage 'cause he likes to eat garbage. Don't you, Garbage?

He killed an entire family of raccoons. Look at him.

Well, I don't wanna speak for Jim, but it's, like, pretty official.

Let's just wait and see what happens, you know. What? Well, let's just wait.

He's back! And he's with a beard. He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go.

Hello, M. Sonny Crocket. I'm Tubbs.

Fire guy! Don't start any fires, Ryan. Fire guy! You weren't here for that. Here for what? When he started the fire.

Look at you! You are so... mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man. Little old man boy. Bearded like man boy.

I'd like your respect. I'm your boss now. You're gonna have to treat me the same way you treated Jan. So... That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way.

I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.

Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on which said, 'Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances... And I love you.' His words.

Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder-Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what's wrong with it.

What if we don't wanna use a blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?

You should call it Dunder-Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together.

We're screwed. Who is? Us, you and me. The old timers. I am not old. You are old. You are, like, a 100. You're over 40. That's the cut off.

I'm telling you, this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this, or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners.

Dwight and Angela... dating. Have been for six months. Swear to god.

No, they have been dating for, like, two years. Since before your barbeque.

You knew. And you didn't say anything? You didn't say anything to me. Fair enough.

But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week.

And... that is why we waited so long to tell people.

You need to prepare yourself.

We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother... And then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I just spent the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like: a fake brother who steals your jeans.

I am dating a lot of guys. Good. A lot. Black guys, mostly. What?

How do you touch just one of these buttons at a time? I don't know. Did you even try?

Six months ago, Karen Filippelli sent me an email asking me out. I said no because I was committed to our relationship. Well, I hope you're still committed, because I'm pregnant. And guess what buddy? I am keeping it.

We have a date!

Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side. I would prefer a public place.

So, elephant in the room, I have your old job. Well, not exactly... my job. A different title. Oh, well, excuse me. Same office. Same responsibilities. Different salary.

What is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles? What? I don't wanna grow weird sperm in case we ever wanna have kids.

Creed? Yes, sir? Everything okay? Everything's cool, dude. I'm 30. Well, in november, I'll be 30.

Did you know... that the age discrimination and employment act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did.

Because they're lame. No! Creed, no, they are not.

In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. Or the funny things that they can do, like, 'Where's the beef?'

Who's this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street, out of a box or something? Who's this worthless bag of bones?

Then I'll call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt.

My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Mannheim is 103, and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah foundation.

And then Mifflin, of course he killed himself later, but I knew Mifflin through the rotary club.

Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Because it's illegal and you will go to jail.

You know what? You're right. I'm feeling kind of nauseous, anyway. So... we can just skip it.

Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles? Very much. How is your meat? Dry, delicious.

I heard a joke today. Oh, that's funny. Yes, it was.

Every time I look in your eyes, I see Sprinkles' stiff, lifeless body. Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here. It's an old sales trick.

I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning.

Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and I.M.S. But I think he is forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attached to baskets of food.

I don't understand what the big deal is. You lied about being pregnant. Right, so? You really don't understand why that makes me angry? No.

All right, I just have to ask. Now that we're public... is the magic gone? It's funny you bring that up, because yes, it is. I knew it. I now find you repulsive.

Ever since I was a kid, people have been telling me that I can't do things. 'You can't be on the team.' 'You can't move on to second grade.' Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old fashioned business methods... And FYI, I eventually hated second grade. And I was the biggest kid in class.

What about cash? Cash can buy whatever you want, including a gift basket, so... it's kind of the best gift ever. What about a gift basket full of cash? Yes! Cash basket!

Hey, brah. Been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull. Am I right? Later, skater.

Why do you use that thing? It lets them know where you are at all times. Who? The government, spy satellites, private detectives. Ex-girlfriends.

Next night, I'm out at a bar, 2:00 AM. I figure I'll get a sandwich. 'Cause you can get a sandwich any time of the night. I run into Vince Vaughn. No way. Literally. Dude, you are so money. But you dot even know it. But you do.

He has a killer job. He's rich. He smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like. He wears really cool rich guy cloth. And he can get any girl that he wants.

That guy was so st...

Yeah, I'm gonna do some mock-ups and then turn those into thumbnails. Maybe do some, uh, splash frames. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm excited.

Look... We want you back. Can you offer lower prices? Well, no. Then we're not coming back. He's not coming back. It's over. No, it's not. No, he's right. Accept it, why would he come back?

Maybe it's a short cut. It said, go to the right. It can't mean that. It's a lake there! The machine knows. Stop yelling at me! No, it's up there! There's no road here!

Remain calm. I have trained for this. Okay. Exit the window! Here we go. Make a U-turn. If possible. Look out for nature!

Do you wanna go out to dinner tonight? Oh, is it... Wear something nice. No. What? I just... wanted to have dinner. I'm sorry. I'm dating Jim.

I guess he can't get any girl he wants.

Can you call us a cab, please? I'm gonna-- Oh, sorry! Look. My clothes are so wet. Nice leather. My shoes are so muddy! All right, here you go. Take it back!

Where are the turtles?! Where are they? I ate them, okay? I ate the turtles. They're gone!

I just drove my car into a lake. You did what? I drove my car... into a f*ing lake. Why, you may ask, did do this? Well... because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it. I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology.

Game, set, match. Point. Scott. Game over. End of game.

People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake.