Lecture Circuit (1)

(MICHAEL BREATHING HEAVILY ON PA)

This is your captain speaking. The office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left-hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration.

I am the ghost of salesmen past.

Hello, Doctor. I was just following up about my mole again. Now, I was looking online about sebaceous zits. I have not been squeezing it. Could I stick it with a pin?

Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called and it appears that you wet the bed again, so you have to get home to wash your sheets because they're yellow and they're wet with your urine.

And, at 6'6", from the University of North Carolina, Jim Halpert!

Jim's reaction to Michael's PA antics - visible exasperation and sighing

Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.

And we're off. Like a herd of turtles.

Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually, we just robbed a bank and we are on the lam.

my 11 business herbs and spices in a sales batter

He brought a sled. / No, that is a toboggan. You never know when you're going to find a snowy hill.

Every magician has a hot assistant and every rock star has a roadie and Pam is my hot roadie.

No, don't say "bucks." It's not ladylike.

Have you ever seen a magiciars assistant? That's... This is a new cardigan. Kind of blech. Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.

Hi, Kelly. Screw you. / Excuse me. That is no way to address a superior. / Oh, yeah? Screw you, too.

Party planning? I am a paper salesman. This is literally the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. This is humiliating.

I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.

No, I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare. / But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do. / Then listen to your iPod, Pam. That's dangerous.

You nervous about seeing Karen again? Since she was the other woman? / Actually, you were the other woman, so...

I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me and she still hates me, so...

She's out of your league, Andy. / For your information, I've been with lots of beautiful women. / Sexually? / This conversation is over.

What we have here is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness and depression.

Screw you guys. You're dead to me. / If you say screw you one more time... / Yeah, screw you, beet farmer, I didn't forget your birthday.

I guess my only wish would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again. / Oh, God. Okay. / In a way, it's good that it happened to me because at least I can bear it.

Don't be nervous. Just picture her naked. / Stop it. / That's what I do. Steal my trick. / Please cut it out.

Wow, you're huge! That's incredible. / I... God, sorry, sorry. My head just exploded.

I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and... / Let's just get this over with, shall we? / Ten? Ten months?

Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. / You haven't blown them up enough. / Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons? / They match the carpet.

"It is your birthday," period. / It's a statement of fact. / Not even an exclamation point? / This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.

Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because, if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal mars.

Andy trying to look at CDs in someone's car and setting off the alarm

This is going to be hard for me to speak today, because I just learned that my father has died. / No, he didn't. He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator, but you bought it and now you can't return it.

Do you need to go pump? / Not gonna have to do that until after I have the baby.

Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars?

(SINGING) I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America And to the republic for which it stands One nation under God With a woof-woof here And a woof-woof there Here a woof, there a woof Everywhere a woof-woof

Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are and I have used that to memorize your name.

Baldy, your head is bald, it is hairless, it is shiny, it is reflective, like a mirror. "M," your name is Mark. / Yes. / Got it. It works! / Uh, it's very insulting. / But it works.

She is pregnant. She is knocked up. "K," Karen.

Stanley, I know you have adult-onset diabetes, so I put Splenda in yours. Let's see, how many did I put in there? (SINGING) One, two, three, four Splendas in your coffee, Stanley None in yours, Julia, because I don't know how you take it

Four Splenda? Are you crazy? / No, I actually only put in two, but that's not how the song goes. / Are you out of your damn mind?

We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. / And you let me down. / You really like her, huh? / Yeah, I really like her with all my heart.

I grab this, and I turn it on and I say, "Prepare yourself for the Utica Chain Store Massacre." / No, that is incredibly dangerous. / No, don't worry, the chain is off. / No, it's not.

So is there a guy or a person or a sperm machine that did this to you or...

Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. This is really a wonderful moment.

How does your boyfriend deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or... / Actually, I don't have a boyfriend. / Really? Is that... Wow, that's so weird.

This is how I got Squeaky Fromme. / No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. / Just go right in and kiss her.

What's a Nard-Dog? / This is the Nard-Dog. / Whoa! What the hell?

I thought we had this energy and I'm a mess and I just had my heart broken and you came in today and you're so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty.

I'm going to call you about that order. And maybe about that mall walk.

We lost the account.

It's Mose. Who do you think it is? / Mose doesn't know how to use a phone, so joke's on you.

How old is she? / Twenty-four. Thirty-seven. / Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation?

Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center. / Juvie.

She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times a hundred. Just... She... She just left and I didn't... I never got closure.

Oh, just blow off the lecture at Rochester? / Yeah. Screw them, let's do this.