New Boss

Jim:We could do a ceremonial handshake, or maybe a procession where everyone lines up and you walk down the aisle while we applaud.

Michael:That sounds nice.

Jim:Yeah, we could applaud for like 45 minutes straight.

Michael:45 minutes?

Jim:Yeah, and then just... silence. For like an hour.

Dwight:Michael, why do you keep agreeing with everything Jim says today?

Michael:What? I'm not—

Dwight:It's because he's wearing a suit. You think fancy clothes mean intelligence.

Jim:I'm literally just wearing a button-down.

Dwight:Exactly. Michael sees the fabric and his brain shuts off.

Michael:His idea of classy is a car dealership opening and a peanut mascot

Michael:Mr. Peanut is classy. He's got a monocle, a top hat, a cane. Those are accessories. Accessories make you sophisticated. I wear a wedding ring. That makes me sophisticated.

Dwight:Ice sculpture with chocolate strawberries.

Michael:That's nice.

Dwight:Ice sculpture with a variety of fruits.

Michael:That's inspired!

Michael:That's a great idea, Dwight. An ice sculpture. Very creative.

Dwight:Thank you, Michael. I've been thinking about it all morning.

Michael:You know what? I just thought of something. What if we did an ice sculpture?

Dwight:That's... that's what I just said.

Michael:I know, but what if we did it?

Dwight:We would be doing what I suggested.

Michael:That is so déclassé.

Michael:I'm very sophisticated. I know French.

Pam:Charles Miner is here.

Michael:That's what she said.

Michael:Everyone, I'd like you to meet our new Vice President. This is going to be the best day of your life. I'm going to personally make sure of that. We're going to have champagne, caviar, a red carpet... actually, where's the red carpet? Jan, get the red carpet!

Jan:Michael, we don't have a red carpet.

Michael:Well, we do now. Someone get me a red carpet. And a throne. Do we have a throne? We need a throne for our Vice President. This person is royalty now.

Michael:Everyone, break room. Now. I have a surprise for you.

Charles:What is this about?

Michael:You'll see. Just trust me.

Charles:I don't enjoy surprises.

Dwight:Did you know that the state of Pennsylvania was named after William Penn? Penn's Woods. The charter was granted in 1681 by King Charles II. Of course, that's King Charles the Second, not to be confused with King Charles the First, who was executed in 1649. Beheaded, actually. It took eight blows of the axe. Anyway, the Pennsylvania General Assembly was established in 1682...

Charles:Why are you telling me this?

Dwight:I thought you might find it interesting.

Michael:He spent all night making C-shaped bagels

Michael:I went to three different bagel shops last night.

Jim:Three bagel shops?

Michael:Yeah, I was comparing them. Toasted versus untoasted, schmear application, hole size...

Jim:You spent your entire evening doing that?

Michael:It's called being thorough, Jim.

Jim:It's called having no life, Michael.

Michael:Well, with Jan, it was more of a... professional relationship that evolved into something more. And with Ryan, it was just... mentorship. Very close mentorship. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Kelly:Oh my God, is that Idris Elba?

Jim:It's a prank, Charles. I'm just messing with you.

Charles:I don't find this amusing.

Jim:That memo is crazy.

Charles:You're wearing a short-sleeved shirt with a tie. That's crazy.

Pam:Jim spent three hours planning that 'spontaneous' prank. He had a whole spreadsheet.

Jim:It was NOT three hours.

Pam:You color-coded it, Jim.

Michael:That's what she said.

Michael:Oscar, I heard about your breakup. That's rough, man. You know what? I'm here for you. And I want everyone to know that Oscar is going through a tough time right now because his boyfriend broke up with him over text message while Oscar was at his mother's house, and apparently his mother walked in on them on Skype, which is why they broke up in the first place.

Oscar:Michael, no—

Michael:Angela, everyone knows you're basically a party animal. You're out every night, living it up!

Angela:What? No, I'm not!

Michael:Come on, Angela. Between you and me, how many guys have you dated?

Angela:I... I don't know. A few.

Michael:A few? Angela, that's basically a sex symbol status around here.

Michael:Kevin, tell everyone about your sexual history.

Kevin:I don't think—

Michael:He doesn't have one.

Kevin:That's not true.

Michael:Everyone, this is Charles Miner, our new Regional Vice President. He's here to whip us into shape. Charles, I want you to know that I'm not just your employee, I'm also your friend. Also, I have a gun in my desk.

Charles:That's... that's not appropriate.

Michael:What? It's just a stapler gun.

Charles:Please stop talking.

Charles:Why didn't you tell them about the cuts?

Michael:I was trying to protect them.

Charles:From what?

Michael:From worrying about it.

Receptionist:Everyone's being let go.

Stanley:No more parties. No more gifts. No more fun.

Charles:That's the spirit.

Stanley:I'm serious. Michael's party is canceled.

Michael:Oh, I'm thrilled. Absolutely thrilled. Charles Miner is staying, and I get to keep being managed by him. This is a dream come true. A dream I never had and don't want.

Michael:I don't need management. I work best without oversight. In fact, some of my best ideas have come when no one was watching me.

Michael:David! Hi, it's Michael. Yeah, I know it's 2 AM. Look, about those party expenses...

Michael:No, no, hear me out. The Sandals Jamaica trip was a client appreciation event. A very important client. Us.

Michael:The ice sculpture of a native woman? That was a cultural exchange program. For the office. Very educational.

Michael:And the $6,000 on margarita mix was a bulk discount situation. We're talking about cost savings, David.

Michael:The female impersonators were motivational speakers! They spoke very motivationally about... femininity.

Michael:David? David, are you there? I think this is a great use of company funds and I don't appreciate your tone.

Michael:Saticoy Steel... that's an interesting name. Where's that from?

Charles:It's a town in California.

Michael:Oh, is it a... family name?

Michael:Wait, is this some kind of... African company?

Charles:No, it's just a company name.

Michael:My old boss used to yell at me all the time. Jan, on the other hand, she would just give me this look, you know? Like she was disappointed in me. And then we'd go to her condo and... well, let's just say she had very specific ways of helping me work through my feelings.

Michael:Hey David, it's Michael. I need those reports ASAP as possible.

Michael:Hi, is David Wallace there? No? Well, this is Michael Scott calling. No, not Michael... uh... Scott. Michael... Bluth. No, Michael... uh... Jackson. Look, I really need to talk to David Wallace about something very important. It's urgent. Hello? Are you there? Okay, fine. Well, when he gets back, tell him that Michael Scott called and that I'm going to kidnap his children if he doesn't call me back.

Michael Scott:Hey, hey, hey! What's up?

Charles Miner:Michael, it's Charles. We need to talk about the Sanderson account.

Michael Scott:Oh, uh, yeah, Charles. Great to hear from you. I was just about to call you.

Charles Miner:Were you? Because I'm looking at my phone records, and you've called me seventeen times in the last hour.

Michael Scott:What? No, that wasn't me. That was... Dwight. He borrows my phone sometimes.

Charles Miner:Michael, I'm holding your phone. You pocket-dialed me. Multiple times. While you were apparently having a very detailed conversation with your voicemail about your personal life.

Michael:Wait, Charles brought lunch for everyone? That's... that's my thing. I'm the one who does nice things for the office.

Charles:I thought it would be a nice gesture. It's just sandwiches from that deli downtown.

Michael:Just sandwiches? JUST sandwiches? Charles, those are the sandwiches. Everyone loves those sandwiches. I've been trying to get people excited about my Ryan's salad bar idea for months.

Michael:So what, now you're the good guy? The boss who brings lunch?

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Nobody's thanking me? I bought everyone lunch last week.

Michael:I got you all sandwiches from that place you like.

Michael:And where were my thanks? Hmm?

Michael:Charles is being so hypercritical of everything I do.

Dwight:I think you mean hypocritical.

Michael:No, hypercritical. He's critical to the hyper degree.

Charles:There will be no overtime. Everyone needs to manage their time better.

Kevin:Can I get overtime?

Michael:We're on the same page here, Charles. Kevin's overtime is under control.

Charles:We're absolutely on the same page. Which is why Kevin needs to stop working overtime immediately.

Michael:Right, right. Same page.

Charles:Completely aligned.

Pam:When Michael gets upset, he does these really childish comedy routines. Like, he'll do impressions, make sound effects, tell jokes that don't make sense. It's his way of deflecting.

Pam:I've learned to recognize all the signs. If he starts doing his Borat impression, that means he's stressed about the Scranton branch numbers. If he does his Christopher Walken, someone probably made a comment about his hair.

Pam:And if he breaks out the "that's what she said" jokes at a rapid-fire pace? Someone questioned his management style.

Angela:And then inside that stripper, there's another smaller stripper. And inside that stripper, there's another even smaller stripper. It's strippers all the way down.

Jim:It's a petting zoo, but the animals can pet you back.

Michael:That's it, end of story.

Charles:No, Michael, we need to discuss—

Michael:End of story.

Charles:You can't just—

Michael:End of story, end of story, end of story!

Michael:You know what? I know paper. I know it inside and out. And I'm telling you right now - paper burns.

Michael:It burns! That's just a fact.

Charles:So what exactly is your role here, Dwight?

Dwight:I'm the Assistant Regional Manager.

Charles:Assistant to the Regional Manager, or Assistant Regional Manager?

Dwight:Assistant Regional Manager.

Charles:That's not a real position.

Dwight:I know. But I still want it.

Michael:I've made a lot of sacrifices for this company. I've never hang-glided, and I've never driven to Mount Washington.

Michael:I'm like a human wrecking ball. I just destroy everything I touch.

Michael:And the worst part? I know I'm doing it. I can see it happening in real time.

Michael:It's like watching a car crash... and I'm the car. And the crash.

Kelly:So we'd have maybe three kids? And we'd raise them in the city, but summers in the Hamptons.

Kelly:And Charles would be so good with them. He'd teach them about wine and art.

Kelly:And we'd get married in Paris. It would be so romantic.

Kelly:Wait, Charles is leaving? Charles! Charles, wait!

Kelly:No, no, no, no, no. We were just starting to bond over our love of expensive things and his complete disregard for other people's feelings.

Angela:Kelly? Charles would never be interested in Kelly. She's loud, she's annoying, she's obsessed with her phone... Plus, she has no taste in anything. Have you seen her apartment? It's like a teenager decorated it.

Michael:I'm not just quitting this job. I'm walking away from my potential. And that potential? It was unlimited.