Baby Shower

Employee:Michael, can you sign off on these expense reports?

Michael:I'm exclusively big picture. Epic. I don't do the small stuff. That's what middle management is for.

Employee:You are middle management.

Michael:Exactly. Which is why I delegate.

Jim:Hey Dwight, can you sign this?

Dwight:You know, it wouldn't kill you to say please.

Jim:Please, Dwight. Will you sign this?

Dwight:You're an idiot.

Dwight:Michael, I need to talk to you about Jim. He's been disrespecting me and—

Michael:Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. That's not big picture thinking.

Dwight:But Michael, he's not just disrespectful. He's aggressively disrespectful. He's systematically disrespectful. He's the most disrespectful person in this office. In fact, he's the tallest guy.

Michael:...What does that have to do with anything?

Dwight:Exactly. He uses his height as a weapon.

Dwight:Jim keeps playing pranks on me. He put my stapler in Jell-O.

Michael:Okay, Dwight, that's funny. But is this a prank? Are you pranking me right now?

Dwight:No, Michael, I'm serious.

Michael:Get out. Get out of my office. You're messing with me.

Dwight:I'm not messing with you.

Michael:Out! Out!

Dwight:This is ridiculous.

Michael:And don't come back in here until you can tell the truth!

Dwight:Jim, you're unprofessional and you waste company time.

Jim:Okay, I'm going to document this complaint. *types* Dwight Schrute reports that I am unprofessional and waste company time. Dwight, are you crying right now?

Dwight:What? No, I'm not crying.

Jim:*types* Dwight is now crying. Very emotional about this.

Dwight:I should have gotten that promotion! Jim doesn't deserve it. I've been here longer, I work harder, I'm more dedicated to this company.

Dwight:You know what? I'm going to challenge him. Right here in the office. A wrestling match. Best two out of three falls.

Dwight:And when I win, the company pays me $50,000 in prize money. Plus the promotion. Plus Jim has to admit I'm superior in front of everyone.

Dwight:I'll take him down with a Suplex. Then a submission hold. He'll tap out within minutes.

Jim:Hey, uh, Dwight? Could you keep it down a little bit?

Dwight:...

Jim:Michael, can we talk in my office?

Michael:Yeah, sure. But first, let's go to my office.

Michael:You can't have two bosses. That's like having two presidents. Wait, no, countries do have two presidents sometimes. Okay, bad example. You can't have two captains on a boat. Wait, do they? I think they do sometimes. Okay, that's not... Look, the point is, Catholicism has one pope. One pope. That's it. You can't have two popes.

Michael:Jim—or should I say, Jimothy?

Michael:No, that's weird. Never mind.

Michael:I don't understand naps. You close your eyes for a few minutes and suddenly it's three hours later and you've missed like half the day. Where does the time go?

Pam:I need to fit into my wedding dress.

Pam:However, I'm also pregnant.

Pam:You know what? Forget the registry. I just want cash.

Jim:You can't just ask for cash, Pam.

Pam:Why not? Why can't we just register for a toaster full of cash?

Jim:Because that's not how registries work.

Pam:Well, maybe it should be.

Phyllis:I hate registries. People shouldn't tell you what to buy them.

Pam:But Phyllis, we specifically chose things we actually need and want.

Phyllis:Well, I'm giving you my handmade ceramic swan anyway. I've been working on it for months.

Jim:A ceramic swan?

Phyllis:It's going to be beautiful. I'm not finished yet, but I wanted you to know so you could plan where to put it.

Jim:Michael, what is this meeting about?

Michael:Well, Jim, I've noticed people aren't wearing enough cologne. It's a workplace issue.

Jim:You threatened to fire people over cologne?

Stanley:He said if we didn't smell better, we were out. I've been here twelve years and that's the dumbest thing I've heard.

Michael:It's called creating a pleasant work environment, Stanley.

Jim:Meetings like these are always so awkward.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. These people? Jim, that is not what this office is about.

Jim:No, I said meetings like these.

Michael:Look, I don't appreciate the implication. And by the way, this is not the conference room. This is my office.

Kelly:Michael and Jim? That's like when Heidi and Spencer were fighting on The Hills, except Michael is way less hot than Spencer, and Jim is like, a million times less hot than Heidi. But the drama is basically identical. Oh, and there's this thing where Michael keeps trying to one-up Jim, kind of like when LC and Heidi stopped being friends, except nobody cares about them anymore because they're old now. Anyway, the point is, reality TV has taught me that these kinds of rivalries only end in someone moving to the Bahamas or getting a spin-off.

Michael:Hi, Mr. Wallace, this is Michael Scott, Regional Manager. Actually, I'm Senior Co-Manager.

Michael:Hey David, just calling to check in on those quarterly numbers.

David Wallace:Yes, Michael, I was just about to call you actually. We need to discuss the budget allocations.

Michael:Totally, totally. Hey, real quick though...

David Wallace:Michael, what is this text message you just sent me? It's a picture of your face with the caption 'LOL ur bald'?

Michael:I have no idea what you're talking about.

David Wallace:You're texting me while we're on the phone right now.

Michael:Oh! That. Yeah, that was... that was Dwight.

Michael:But I didn't get to say goodbye! I always say goodbye!

Michael:Jim's nose pores are like... they're enormous. I can see them from across the room. It's distracting. I'm trying to have a serious conversation with him and all I can think about is whether he uses a pore strip. Does he use a pore strip, Jim? Because he should.

Jim:Why haven't we...

Pam:We have.

Jim:So we're breaking in at night?

Michael:No, no, we can do it during business hours.

Jim:That doesn't make it better, Michael.

Michael:You know what your problem is, Jim? You think too much. You analyze everything. Sometimes you just gotta go with your gut.

Jim:Michael, that doesn't really make sense. You can't just ignore—

Michael:See, that's what I'm talking about. As I always say, 'The best decisions are made in the moment, not in the mind.'

Jim:Did you just make that up?

Michael:Yeah, just now. But that's the point—it came from the gut.

Michael:Okay, so Jim thinks he's smarter than everyone else because he makes a pros and cons list. Well, let me make a pros and cons list about Jim.

Michael:Pros: he's tall. Cons: he's an idiot.

Michael:Pros: he can grow a beard. Cons: it makes him look like a serial killer.

Michael:Pros: he's analytical. Cons: he's got a calculator down there instead of a brain.

Jim:Critical thinking is such a small slice he had to enlarge it to be visible

Oscar:Wait, you're just... asking for cash?

Pam:Yeah, we figured it's easier for everyone.

Oscar:I mean, I respect the honesty, but... wow. That's bold.

Oscar:I'll write you a check.

Oscar:My dearest friends, as I bestow upon you this financial instrument, know that it comes from the deepest recesses of my heart. Though you have asked merely for currency, I give you my soul in the form of this check. May it bring you joy, prosperity, and the knowledge that true friendship transcends monetary value.

Pam:I'm becoming materialistic. I care about money and things more than I used to.

Pam:Wait, look at my name on this check. Mrs. Halpert. I'm Mrs. Halpert!

Pam:Who cares about materialism?

Michael:Okay Jim, I need you to tell me your weaknesses so I can enliven them.

Jim:You mean address them?

Michael:No, enliven them. Make them more lively.

Michael:Okay, this is a tough decision, but Jim, you suck. You suck.

Michael:I really hope Jim screws this up. I mean, really hope he fails spectacularly.

Michael:Because if he does well, that makes me look bad. And I can't have that.

Employee:Why do sales people get raises?

Michael:Well, Jim shows favoritism to his friends and sexual partners.

Kelly:That's sweet, but it's not going to fix Ryan's car.

Meredith:My kid needs new shoes. I deserve a raise.

Michael:Meredith, I hear you. I really do. But we all have problems. My condo fees went up. My housekeeper quit. And worst of all, my girlfriend left me because she said I was too immature.

Meredith:Michael, that's not the same thing.

Michael:You're right. Her name was Jessica. We had something special.

Michael:You know what you need? You need a heart-on. It's like when you get so emotionally excited about something that you just... you get a heart-on.

Michael:Okay, here's the plan. A man, a plan, a canal... Panama!

Employee:That's not even about raises.

Michael:Exactly. It's a palindrome. It reads the same forwards and backwards.

Dwight:Actually, sir, you didn't say it backwards.

Michael:Yes I did.

Dwight:No, you said 'A man, a plan, a canal, Panama' forwards. Backwards would be 'Amanap, lanac, a nalp, a nam, a.'

Michael:I have devised a new system for determining raises. Each employee gets a certain number of beans based on their performance.

Dwight:Beans are an excellent currency. Historically accurate, and delicious.

Michael:Exactly. So I'm going to draw everyone's picture, and then—

Dwight:I already drew Toby's picture.

Michael:Why would you do that?

Dwight:So he wouldn't get any beans.

Michael:Okay, okay, I'm gonna skip my turn.

Dwight:You can't skip your turn. It's your own system.

Michael:Why not? I made the rules, I can break the rules.

Dwight:That's not how this works, Michael.

Michael:Pass.

Dwight:If our coworkers had been the Founding Fathers, we would still be under British rule. Jim would be too busy making jokes to sign the Declaration of Independence. Pam would be worried about offending the King. Ryan would take credit for the whole thing and then disappear. Michael would cry and give a speech about unity that nobody understood. And I would have already formed a militia and taken over the government myself.

Angela:This is ridiculous. We're not evaluating beans. We're evaluating people. And reducing people to a single metric is dehumanizing.

Angela:So really, what we're doing here is just... ranking. Like we're at a dog show.

Meredith:This is a very old picture of me. Look at my hair, it's all frizzy.

Meredith:And where are my beans? I don't see any beans next to my picture.

Kevin:My time is very valuable.

Kevin:According to the bean evaluation system, I'm worth at least 50 beans per hour.

Dwight:Jim, you may be senior sales associate, but that doesn't give you the right to question Phyllis's contributions. She is matronly, yes, but that matronliness is her strength.

Jim:Did you just... defend Phyllis by calling her matronly?

Dwight:I'm not insulting her. Matronliness is a quality to be admired. It suggests wisdom, stability, and a certain... gravitational pull.

Dwight:People of Dunder Mifflin, we must stand together against the tyranny of Jim Halpert! He thinks he's better than us with his smug face and his stupid pranks. But I say we rise up! We fight back! We show him that Dwight Kurt Schrute will not be mocked!

Dwight:The time has come to make a stand. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Do you hear that? That's the sound of time running out for Jim's reign of terror. Tick-tock. It's a clock. A clock makes that sound. Tick-tock. That's what clocks do.

Dwight:What do you say to my rebellion plan?

Stanley:No.

Dwight:I don't think you understood the question.

Michael:Wait, what do the beans mean?

Michael:You know, being the boss... it's not all fun and games. Sometimes you have to make decisions that nobody likes. And you're the only one who has to live with those decisions.

Michael:It gets lonely up here. Really lonely.

Jim:I got a raise, which is great. But now I'm wondering if Pam even likes me anymore. We used to be best friends, and now... I don't know. Maybe she's mad about the money thing. Or maybe she's just... done with me. I honestly have no idea where we stand anymore.

Michael:Jim, I got you a little gift.

Jim:Oh wow, thanks Michael. What is it?

Michael:It's gin. You're gonna need it.

Creed:Pam, I've got a sure thing. A basketball algorithm that predicts winners with 100% accuracy.

Pam:Creed, that sounds too good to be true.

Creed:It is true. I've made thousands.

Pam:How is that possible?

Creed:I don't ask questions. I just wire the money and wait for the returns.

Pam:Creed, I think that's a scam.

Creed:A scam? Pam, I've been doing this for six months. Why would they still be taking my money if it was a scam?

Creed:Don't tell Jim.