The Banker

Michael Scott:I've made some cosmetic tweaks to the office. You know, just minor improvements.

Michael Scott:It's like when a drag queen puts on makeup. You're still the same person underneath, but now you look amazing.

Investment Banker:Who is this?

Jim:This is Computron. He's our top... computer.

Dwight:Beep boop. I am Computron. Resistance is futile.

Michael:This is Computron. It's the latest in modern computer technology. Watch this. Computron, what is the capital of France?

Computron:Paris.

Dwight:That's... that's just a computer program.

Michael:Exactly. Incredible, right?

Dwight:I have great news. The NFL has just signed me to a multi-million dollar contract.

Michael:Dwight, that's not real.

Dwight:It is real. I'm Computron.

Michael:You're not Computron. Computron is not real.

Michael:This is Pam Beesly, our VP of Communications.

Pam:Actually, I'm just the receptionist.

Michael:Right, but you communicate. So VP of Communications. It's basically the same thing.

Jim:Michael's authority is pure accident of circumstance.

Stanley:You know what? They finally fixed the copy machine. It only took them three years and about fifty complaints from me. I'm not saying I'm responsible, but... I'm responsible.

Michael:I made reservations at the best seafood place in the city.

Dwight:Computron says the lobster bisque at Chez Laurent is superior.

Michael:Computron? Dwight, we're going to Benihana's.

Dwight:Computron disagrees. Computron has processed 10,000 reviews.

Michael:I don't care what Computron thinks. I'm the regional manager.

Dwight:Computron is never wrong, Michael. Computron is a sophisticated algorithm.

Michael:Dwight, you are Computron.

Dwight:No. Computron is independent. Computron has spoken.

Banker:I'm basically a glorified fact checker.

Banker:Well, actually, I'm not glorified. I'm just a fact checker.

Jim:I know all of Toby's bathroom reading habits. He reads the backs of shampoo bottles, those little instruction cards on the inside of the toilet tank lid, and occasionally he'll grab a old People magazine from like 2003.

Dwight:Michael is not 'a bit of a character.' He is a FULL character. A complete character. And the dandruff on his shoulders? That's not dandruff. That's the snow of his ambition falling upon the landscape of this office.

Jim:Dwight, you're being crazy right now.

Dwight:I am not crazy. I am operating at peak efficiency.

Jim:You're literally insane.

Dwight:False. As Assistant Regional Manager, I maintain the highest standards of mental acuity and professional decorum.

Dwight:I'm not just wearing a hat. I'm wearing the mantle of responsibility. This headgear is a symbol of my authority and dominance in this office.

Toby:We haven't had a single safety violation or lawsuit in this office.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch it!

Darryl:Michael, what are you doing on that forklift?

Michael:I'm just showing you guys how it's done. Safety first.

Michael:I got this. Don't worry.

Darryl:Get off the forklift, man.

Michael:No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm a natural.

Michael:Darryl, look at me. Look at me!

Dwight:Fact: In a fire, the most dangerous thing is the panic. Not the fire itself. So in a real fire, I would simply remain calm. And because I remain calm, I would be smoking. So really, smoking makes me safer in a fire.

Michael:Okay, okay, everybody stay calm. We need to evacuate in an orderly fashion.

Angela:I can't fit through the window! I'm too heavy!

Kevin:Angela, you weigh like 110 pounds.

Angela:Well, I'm carrying Sprinkles, and he's very dense.

Michael:Angela, just leave the cat and come on!

Angela:Absolutely not. Sprinkles is my responsibility.

Dwight:In a car crash, you want to be as far from the point of impact as possible. Backseat middle position. It's statistically the safest spot in the vehicle.

Stanley:Not a fire drill!

Stanley:This is a real fire! Get out! Get out!

Toby:Well, that's a complex question. You see, happiness is a subjective construct. Philosophers have debated for centuries what constitutes true contentment. Are we measuring momentary pleasure or long-term fulfillment? And then there's the matter of workplace dynamics versus personal satisfaction...

Michael:Okay Pam, I'm going to need you to stay very still. I've seen a lot of first aid videos.

Pam:Michael, I just have a paper cut.

Michael:A paper cut can lead to digititis, which is very serious. We need to amputate.

Pam:No, Michael—

Michael:I'm going to need you to bite down on this stress ball. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

Michael:I have a dream. That one day, this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed.

Michael:But seriously, we need to resolve this printer situation.

Banker:So you work in HR handling sexual harassment cases?

Toby:Yes, that's right.

Banker:And you're good at your job?

Toby:I... I try to be.

Banker:But you're not, are you?

Toby:No. No, I'm not.

Michael:So I'm looking through some photos on my computer, and I find this picture that someone printed out and left in the break room. It's... it's a girl in a school uniform, very inappropriate for the workplace.

Stanley:Wait, what? Let me see that.

Michael:Stanley, I don't think you want to—

Stanley:That's my daughter's yearbook photo!

Michael:Whoa! Meredith!

Meredith:What? I'm on my lunch break.

Michael:You can't just... that's not appropriate for the office!

Meredith:Michael, I've done worse things at this desk than what you just saw.

Creed:Your blouse is unbuttoned.

Meredith:I know.

Michael:Meredith, I need to talk to you about your attire today.

Meredith:What? It's casual day.

Michael:Yes, but casual day doesn't mean commando day.

Meredith:You said dress casual. I'm being casual.

Michael:I'm not worried about HR complaints. My only concern is inappropriate arousal.

Michael:Meredith, it says here you have a pre-existing condition. Acute alcoholism.

Meredith:That's not a condition, that's a lifestyle choice.

Michael:Well, the insurance company disagrees. They won't cover it.

Meredith:Then they need to cover my lifestyle. I demand coverage for acute alcoholism, chronic hangovers, and occasional blackouts.

Kevin:I don't understand why women need to go to the doctor so much. Just don't go.

Meredith:Kevin, women have a uterus.

Kevin:So?

Meredith:So it needs maintenance, you idiot.

Michael:That's what she said. I'm retiring that catchphrase. It's juvenile, it's not appropriate for the workplace, and I'm not going to say it anymore.

Jim:That's great, Michael.

Pam:Yeah, we think that's a good call.

Michael:I'm going to be more professional. From now on, I want to be remembered as a serious businessman.

Jim:How long do you think you'll last?

Michael:I'm thinking... three days? Maybe a week if someone doesn't give me the perfect setup.

Pam:Well, good luck. We're rooting for you.

Michael:Thanks. I'm going to go hard.

Michael:That's what she said!

Michael:I'm not going to say 'that's what she said' anymore.

Dwight:That's what she said.

Michael:Dwight!

Dwight:That's what she said.

Michael:Stop it!

Dwight:That's what she said.

Michael:Okay, everyone, welcome to the Dunder Mifflin hot dog eating contest. The rules are simple: whoever eats the most hot dogs wins.

Phyllis:I'm going to beat you, Michael.

Michael:That's what she said.

Michael:I'm telling you, I can't say it anymore. Do you know how hard it is to not say 'That's what she said'? It's like asking me to give up breathing.

Michael:I walked past Pam's desk today and she said 'Can you help me with this report?' and I almost died. DIED. The setup was right there, Jim was looking at me like 'go ahead, say it,' and I just... I walked away.

Michael:This is torture. This is what they do at Guantanamo Bay, except instead of loud music, they just let me hear double entendres all day long.

Toby:I'm stuck between doing my job and not doing my job. It's the perfect paralysis.

Michael:Waste? There is no waste at Dunder Mifflin. We are a lean, mean, paper-selling machine.

Jim:Actually, it's pronounced 'Flonkerton.'

Jim:Merry Christmas, Dwight. I got you something special.

Dwight:What is this?

Jim:Just open it.

Dwight:It's my desk. You wrapped up my desk.

Jim:Do you like it?

Dwight:This is my desk.

Jim:I know.

Dwight:I am an expert at unwrapping presents. I have the steadiest hands in this office.

Jim:Really? Because I just beat you.

Dwight:That's impossible.

Dwight:Jim put a stapler in Jell-O again. This is the third time this month.

Michael:Boing boing boing! Splat! Whirrrrr!

Jim:Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Dwight:False. Bears eat beets.

Jim:Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

Dwight:Jim!

Jim:Thank you.

Michael:Creed has been with us for... a long time. He's our... quality assurance person.

Banker:What exactly does quality assurance entail?

Creed:I have no idea what you're talking about.

Creed:I have been farming my desk for three years. As soon as I harvest, I plant again. I got a bumper crop of small potatoes.

Creed:Dwight's dead. We're having a funeral for him on Thursday. It's going to be very nice. We're gonna have a dead bird there.

Jim:Wait, so you're saying you stole the identity of a dead guy?

Creed:Allegedly. But here's the thing — he's been dead for twelve years. I've been him for twelve years. Who's the real Creed Bratton?

Michael:You know, I've been thinking a lot about office relationships. And I've come to realize that they're just like regular relationships, except you see these people every day and you can't escape them. It's like a relationship, but with fluorescent lighting and a vending machine.

Darryl:You know what your problem is? You got a case of the 'relationship dysmorphia.' That's when you think your girl look better than she actually do. It's science.

Kelly:Why is Darryl being so honest with me? It's weird. People aren't like that. Is he sick? Did someone hurt him? I don't trust it.

Michael:I've made so many sacrifices for my relationships. I've given up my dreams, my ambitions, my...

Michael:Three vasectomies.

Kelly:I'm pregnant.

Ryan:What?

Kelly:Yeah, I'm like, super pregnant. Like, so pregnant.

Michael:So I heard Eric and that woman from accounting were getting pretty cozy by the water cooler.

Eric Ward:What? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Michael:Come on, everyone saw you two laughing together all morning.

Eric Ward:We were just... talking about work stuff.

Pam:I've accepted that Jim is gone. I mean, he left for another job, and I'm just going to have to move on with my life.

Jim:Hey Pam, do you want to go out sometime?

Pam:What? I thought you left!

Jim:Pam, I've been waiting for the right moment to do this.

Pam:Jim, what are you—

Jim:Will you marry me?

Pam:Yes! Yes!

Michael:You know, I think everyone here has unlimited potential. Even Kevin.

Michael:Okay Dwight, I'm going to shut down your computer now.

Dwight:No, Michael, please! I have so much work to do!

Michael:Too late.

Dwight:Nooooo! *makes dying robot noises* Beep boop beeep... *slumps in chair*

Michael:Yo, Scranton, what's good? It's your boy Michael Scott in the hizzouse.

Dwight:Fact: Scranton is the best city in Pennsylvania. Population: us.

Michael:We got the electric city, that's what they call it. Got all the electricity you need.

Dwight:The beet farm. Schrute Farms. Best beets, best bears, best Scranton.

Michael:We got the Steamtown Mall. We got the... Radisson. Lazy River.

Dwight:Lackawanna County. Coal region. Built on hard work and determination.

Michael:Scranton! Scranton! That's S-C-R-A-N-T-O-N. Scranton.