The Manager And The Salesman

Michael:♪ Big box, big box, what's in the box? Big box, big box, what's in the box? ♪

Michael:I love big boxes.

Michael:Welcome to Sah-bray, where excellence is not just a goal, it's a lifestyle.

Michael:Can somebody scissor me?

Ryan:That's what she said.

Michael:Sabre saved our asses. They really did. And you know what? They're still saving our asses. In fact, I think they're gonna keep saving our asses for a long time to come.

Creed:That's my cord. I've been looking for that.

Michael:Look, I'm not responsible for everything that goes wrong in this office. There are circumstances beyond my control.

Jim:Like what? Your complete lack of leadership skills? Your inability to read a room? The fact that you've never actually listened to anyone in your entire life?

Dwight:That's what she said.

Dwight:You're opening it like a chimpanzee.

Kevin:You just gotta think outside the box. Or in this case, inside the box. Just... smaller.

Michael:Erin, scissor me again.

Jim:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Michael, no.

Michael:What? She's just helping me open the box.

Michael:Erin, scissor me.

Michael:Why do I have to explain everything?

Jim:Because we're never on the same page.

Kevin:She's too tall. I could never be with someone taller than me.

Kevin:It would mess with the dynamic. I need to be the big spoon.

Dwight:Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. As Assistant Regional Manager, I am obligated to provide you with the full Scranton experience. I have prepared a selection of our local delicacies: scrapple, shoofly pie, and this Pennsylvania Dutch egg noodle casserole.

Michael:Jim is my protégé.

Jim:Actually, we're more like equals.

Michael:Right, my equal protégé.

Jim:Just equals.

Michael:Equals who I mentored.

Michael:It's Sabre. Sabre.

Gabe:Yes, Sabre.

Michael:No, no, no. It's pronounced Sabre.

Gabe:That's what I said. Sabre.

Michael:Okay, I get it now. It's Sah-bray.

Andy:Welcome to the Sabre store, where the prices are low and the service is... Sabre!

Gabe:It's pronounced 'Sabre.'

Andy:That's what I said, Sabre!

Andy:Welcome to the Sabre store, where the prices are low and the service is... Saber!

Jim:Okay, I'm ready for the drive to the gas station.

Pam:You have a GPS, a detailed itinerary, and a first aid kit?

Jim:You never know what could happen. It's three blocks away.

Pam:You also packed a sleeping bag.

Jim:In case I need to rest.

Pam:We should really start looking at daycare options soon.

Jim:Yeah, I've been researching places. There's that Montessori school, the one with the great reviews...

Pam:How much is that?

Jim:Uh, four thousand a month.

Pam:Four thousand? What about that other place?

Jim:Also four thousand. But if those don't work out, I have a backup plan.

Pam:What's the backup plan?

Jim:Military school. That way he's taken care of, disciplined, and we don't have to pay for college.

Christian Slater:Welcome to Diversity Day. I'm Christian Slater, and I'm here to tell you that diversity is not just good business—it's the right thing to do. In today's world, embracing different perspectives, backgrounds, and viewpoints makes us stronger as a company and as individuals. So let's commit to creating an inclusive workplace where everyone feels valued and heard.

Absurd sensory claim that makes no literal sense

Gabe:The new business model focuses on streamlining operations and reducing overhead costs.

Michael:Yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Wait, no it doesn't. That's terrible.

Gabe:I encourage honest communication in this office.

Stanley:That's great, because I've been meaning to tell you that your management style is ineffective and your presence here makes everyone uncomfortable.

Michael:No, no, no. We're not blocking websites. That's a terrible idea.

Michael:People need to be able to access what they want when they want it.

Michael:That's called freedom, and it's what this country was built on.

Oscar:Michael, that's not a water cup obsession, that's a clinical case of object permanence dysfunction combined with compulsive acquisition behavior.

Michael:People say I use too many water cups. But what they don't understand is that every cup represents a decision I've made as a manager. One cup, one choice. Two cups, two choices. By the end of the day, I've made like forty cups worth of decisions. That's leadership. That's what they teach you at business school, except they use a different metaphor, but the principle is identical.

Michael:You know, people need water. It's a basic human need, like food and shelter. And now we're changing water bottles, which is like... changing the very foundation of human existence.

Michael:Think about it. Water is in our bodies. We're made of water. So by changing the water bottle, we're essentially changing ourselves.

Michael:And if we change ourselves, we change our ability to reproduce. So this water bottle change is affecting human reproduction. That's huge.

Michael:Water is the most important thing. It flows, it adapts, it takes the shape of its container. That's what we should all aspire to be—like water.

Gabe:Water is H2O. Two hydrogen atoms, one oxygen atom. It's a molecule.

Michael:You know what? I don't like change. Change is like... it's like when they took away the Styrofoam cups. Nobody asked for that. And now we're using these paper ones, and they fall apart. It's like they're trying to save the planet, but they're really just ruining my coffee experience. That's not environmental responsibility, that's environmental terrorism.

Jim:You know, they've got a lot of great features here. Nap time, snack time, arts and crafts... I'm genuinely wondering if I'm too old for daycare.

Kevin:I'm telling you, the strawberries were on that pizza. They were right there, and now they're gone.

Kevin:I can see it now... the pepperoni's like, 'Where'd the strawberries go?' And the cheese is all defensive, 'I don't know, maybe they left because this pizza is disgusting.'

Kevin:Then the crust jumps in, 'Hey, don't blame me. I've been holding this thing together the whole time.'

Michael:I love your accent. Where are you from?

Jo Bennett:I'm from Savannah, Georgia originally. But I've been working on this accent since I was five years old.

Michael:Wait, you've been working on it? It's not natural?

Jo Bennett:Oh no, honey. I wanted to sound powerful and intimidating. A thick Southern accent makes people listen. So I practiced every day for forty years.

Jo Bennett:You people run this company like it's a child's lemonade stand. No structure, no discipline, no vision.

Jo Bennett:I've seen more professional operations at a six-year-old's birthday party.

Michael:You know what? I'm going to call the corporate office and ask them who they think is the real expert here.

Michael:Because that guy in the training video? Total fraud. I've forgotten more about business than he'll ever know.

Michael:Actually, you know what, I'm going to appeal to a higher authority. I'm going to cite him as my source.

Jerry:Did you guys see the daycare already?

Jim:Yeah, we did. It was... it was great. Really great. The kids were there, and they were, you know, doing kid things. Playing with toys and stuff. Very normal toy-playing. Nothing weird about it.

Jim:The staff seemed really competent. Professional. Not the kind of people who would, like, forget about kids or anything. They knew where all the kids were at all times. Definitely.

Jim:And the facilities were clean. Very clean. Spotless, even. Which is important because, you know, babies and germs and... anyway, it was fine.

Jim:We could bring up the bathroom incident.

Pam:No, that's the worst thing we could do. Acknowledging awkwardness only makes it worse.

Michael:That's great, buddy! Keep going! You're doing awesome!

David Wallace:Actually, we're trying to get him to be quieter.

Michael:Oh. Well, in that case... be quiet, buddy. You're doing awesome at that too.

David Wallace's wife:How was your day?

David Wallace:Not great. I didn't leave the house.

David Wallace's wife:I can tell. You're still wearing your shoes.

Pam:I know what you're thinking. Yes, I work at a paper company. No, that doesn't make me qualified to work with children. But I'm really good with people, and I think that translates.

Jerry:What are you talking about? We have charm.

Pam:Jerry, you have a bidet that sprays water on your butt, and you act like you invented the Internet.

Jim:So I'm in the bathroom, right? And I realize there's no toilet paper.

Jerry:No toilet paper? What did you do?

Jim:I had to call for help. I'm yelling 'Does anyone have any toilet paper?' And Dwight shows up with an entire case of it.

Jerry:A case? Why would he have a case?

Jim:Because it's Dwight. He probably keeps emergency supplies in his trunk. So now I'm indebted to him, and he's never going to let me forget it.

Michael:It's a toy vacuum. You turn it on, it makes a vacuum sound.

David Wallace:Who makes the sound?

Michael:What do you mean who makes the sound? The vacuum makes the sound.

David Wallace:But it's a toy.

Michael:Right, so a little motor inside makes the sound. It's very realistic.

Erin:So Andy, I was thinking... maybe you'd want to grab lunch sometime? Just the two of us?

Andy:Oh, uh, I don't know, Erin. I'm pretty busy with—

Erin:Because I really enjoy spending time with you. And I think you're really great. And funny. And cute.

Erin:I mean, am I being too obvious here? Should I be more subtle? Because I can be subtle. I'm actually really good at subtle.

Erin:This is subtle, right?

David Wallace:I'm going to call it the Suck It.

Michael:That's what she said.

David:Michael, I want you to be my partner in this invention.

Michael:What is it?

David:It's called the Sperminator.

Michael:No.

Michael:David's changed. He's not the same guy anymore. I think unemployment has literally made him a different species. Like, biologically different. I'm pretty sure if we did a DNA test, it would come back as 'unemployed.'

David Wallace:They say losing your job is like losing a loved one. But I don't know, when my mom died, I didn't have to update my LinkedIn.

Michael:I'd like to propose a toast. You know, orange juice... it starts as a seed, just like our company started as an idea. Then it grows into a fruit, and that fruit gets squeezed... which is a lot like what corporate does to us. But in the end, we're refreshing and delicious. To us.

Jim:That's not a toast. A toast requires bread that has been toasted. You're just holding orange juice.

Michael:Ugh, what is that taste? That's disgusting. Is that... is that metal?

David Wallace:♪ Suck it up, suck it up, suck it up ♪

Teddy Wallace:♪ Suck it up, suck it up, suck it up ♪

David Wallace:♪ Suck it up, suck it up, suck it up ♪

Teddy Wallace:♪ Suck it up, suck it up, suck it up ♪