The Delivery

Michael:Curling. It's like... it's like poetry, you know? Two teams just... gliding across the ice together. No winners, no losers. Just pure curdling.

Michael:Curdling. That's what it's called. It's beautiful.

Hotel Clerk:We have a Mike, Mikal, Mikhael...

Michael Scott:No, no. My name is Michael. M-I-C-H-A-E-L. Is it possible that you have thousands of reservations under 'M' names and you're just looking through affirmation books?

Hotel Clerk:Sir, we have a computer system.

Michael Scott:Well, maybe your computer is broken.

Michael:It's like when you order a bride from a catalog, and she finally arrives, and you're like, 'Wow, this is really happening.' That's what it was like when Jo got here.

Michael:So you order a mail-order bride, right? And she shows up, and she doesn't speak English. So you're like, 'Do we speak English?' And she's like, 'No.' So you're stuck with this woman who doesn't speak English.

Michael:But then you realize, 'Wait, how did she say no if she doesn't speak English?' So you ask her again, 'Do we speak English?' And she says it again, in perfect English, 'No.'

Michael:Hey Jo, how are you?

Jo:It's Ms. Bennett. And I'm not your friend, I'm your boss.

Michael:Right, sorry. Ms. Bennett, how are you?

Jo:I keep the title because it reminds people I'm in charge. Plus, 'Jo' sounds like a name someone would yell at a horse.

Jo:I have two dogs at home. I take them everywhere with me.

Michael:That's what she said.

Jo:Stanley, your manners are atrocious.

Stanley:I have manners. I say 'please' and 'thank you.'

Jo:You burp at the table.

Stanley:Only on Fridays, and only if it's a sandwich.

Jo:So you're telling me you have two managers running this branch? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You need one person in charge, not some lovefest management committee. It's called a chain of command. Look it up.

Andy:Ow! Ow! Oh my God, that is a deep cut. You know what? I have a very specific phobia about getting my throat cut. Like, with a sharp object. Like a paper cut, but on my throat.

Michael:Look, having two managers is not a bad thing. It's like Florida. Two governors... no wait, Florida doesn't have two governors. It's like... it's like having two heads on a coin. You got the good side, you got the bad side. I'm the good side, Jim is the... okay, this isn't working.

Jo:Why don't we each do half the job?

Michael:That's a great idea. I'll do the first half.

Jo:How do you know you won't mess up the second half?

Michael:Because I always mess up the second half.

Jo:You know, having two managers is like having two cooks in the kitchen. Somebody's gonna get their feelings hurt.

Michael:Well, actually, Jo, I think it's more like having two pilots in the cockpit. And they're both very skilled, so there's no problem.

Jo:That's not how it works.

Michael:No, no, it actually does. I've thought about this a lot.

Michael:Well, you know what they say down South: you can't teach a chicken to cluck if the barn door's wearing a Sunday hat.

Jo:Winning Miss Mott's Applesauce twice with random food pageants

Jim:Okay, so traffic is like a big metal snake, right? And we're all just cells in its body.

Pam:That's... actually kind of beautiful.

Dwight:Wrong. Traffic is a predator. We are prey. It feeds on our weakness.

Jim:No, no, it's more like we're all trapped in a metal coffin, slowly suffocating, skin melting off our bones.

Kevin:Wow, that got dark.

Jim:Yeah, and then the coffin fills with acid and we just... dissolve.

Pam:I take back what I said. That's not beautiful.

Erin:So you named Snoopy and Woodstock after your two dogs?

Andy:No, Erin. Snoopy and Woodstock are characters from Peanuts. I named my dogs after them.

Andy:This cologne has pheromones in it. It's scientifically proven to attract people to you.

Andy:Which is great, except I'm wearing it to work, so now everyone in the office is awkwardly drawn to me.

Jo:The title of my autobiography is 'Shock and Awe' because that's what people experience when they realize I'm in charge.

Michael:I'm going to set the bar really low for you.

Jo:What does that mean?

Michael:It means... I'm literally going to lower this bar. *physically lowers an imaginary bar* There. The bar is now low.

Jo:Where is Tallahassee?

Stanley:It's in Georgia.

Michael:That's what she said.

Jo:I don't know anything about printers. One time I almost killed some children because I didn't know how to use one.

Jim:Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm here for the money and the women.

Jim:Just kidding. I'm married to Pam, so it's just the money.

Michael:See? Visualization works. I visualized you staying, and you stayed.

Jim:Michael, I was never leaving.

Michael:Exactly. My visualization prevented it.

Michael:Okay, Jim, I'm going to visualize you clucking like a chicken.

Jim:No, Michael—

Michael:Shhh, I'm concentrating.

Michael:I'm visualizing her. I'm visualizing Sheryl Crow. We're at a restaurant. She's laughing at something I said. It's not that funny, but she's being nice about it. We finish dinner, we go back to her place. We kiss. It's good. Not amazing, just good. We go to bed. And that's it. That's the fantasy. We just sleep.

Michael:Jo, The Atlantic? That's a great magazine. You know, I have my own rankings of the oceans. Pacific's number one, obviously. Atlantic's number two. Arctic's number three. Indian Ocean? Didn't even make the list. And the Southern Ocean — I'm not convinced that's a real ocean.

Michael:The Atlantic Ocean is the second largest ocean. It's huge. And you know what? Fish evolved there. Darwin said so. But here's the thing - fish didn't just evolve randomly. No. They evolved because the ocean was cold, so they got thicker skin, and then their fins turned into legs so they could walk out and find a warmer place. That's evolution. That's science.

Jo:I read the manual.

Michael:Wait, you read Manuel? That guy's a legend.

Michael:I would be terrible at management because I confess things. Like, I once told my entire team that I was afraid of the dark.

Michael:And another time, I admitted that I've never seen Titanic.

Michael:How can anyone respect a leader who doesn't know what happens at the end of Titanic?

Jim:Is that a growth chart on Michael's office wall?

Pam:Yeah, he's been marking his height every year since he started working here.

Jim:Michael's been the same height for fifteen years.

Pam:I know. He doesn't seem to realize that.

Ryan:Did you see Saw?

Dwight:I see a lot of things. I saw a possum last week. Mose and I were playing night vision tag in the woods behind Schrute Farms. I won, obviously. But yes, I have a saw. Several saws actually. A hand saw, a circular saw, a band saw.

Ryan:No, the movie. The horror movie Saw.

Dwight:Oh. No. Horror movies are a waste of time. Real horror is knowing that at any moment, a bear could wander onto Schrute Farms and I would have to fight it with my bare hands.

Dwight:My trap would be far more effective. You'd be dead in seconds.

Ryan:No way. My puzzle is way more complex. You wouldn't even figure it out.

Dwight:I have a very high IQ, Ryan. I'd solve it immediately.

Ryan:Oh please. You can't even solve a Rubik's cube.

Dwight:That's because I choose not to waste my time on toys.

Ryan:Whatever, Dwight. Your trap sucks.

Dwight:Your trap sucks.

Ryan:No, YOUR trap sucks.

Dwight:No, YOUR trap sucks!

Ryan:Shut up!

Dwight:You shut up!

Ryan:I'm very committed to my job. I show up every day, I do my work, and I leave. I'm basically a model employee.

Ryan:People think I'm going to have some big character arc, like I'm going to turn into this great person. But honestly, I'm probably just going to keep doing the same thing I've always done.

Ryan:Which is nothing.

Michael:Hello, this is Michael Scott, Regional Manager.

Jim:Michael, you have to actually answer calls before you say that.

Michael:What do you mean? I just did.

Jim:No, you have to wait for someone to call you first.

Michael:Oh. So I've been doing this wrong?

Jim:Yeah, for about twenty years.

Ryan:One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Dwight:Actually, you do. The Fellowship walked right in. And Frodo walked in alone at the end. So your Tolkien reference is factually incorrect.

Dwight:Ryan thinks he's so clever with his pop culture references. Well, I have a plan. First, he will read the entire US tax code. Then he will read it again. Out loud. While I take notes on his pronunciation.

Dwight:Next, he'll compile a comprehensive index of agricultural best practices, organized alphabetically and cross-referenced by season. When he's finished, he'll explain each entry to me in person.

Dwight:And finally, he'll write a 500-page dissertation on the history of beet cultivation, which I will grade with a red pen. Very red pen.

Erin:Jim, I can help you with that report. I have an executive brain.

Jim:You have an executive brain?

Erin:Yeah, it's like a regular brain, but it makes decisions faster and wears better shoes.

Michael:We just landed a huge new account. A gentleman's club.

Michael:It's actually the Curves fitness chain for women.

Michael:Why don't we announce the sales loudly? You know, like a big celebration?

Jim:Because that would require people to care about their jobs.

Kelly:Oh my god, this card is so thoughtful. Andy really went out of his way to find something special for me.

Erin:Actually, that's the card I got. It's just a generic friendship card from the drug store.

Kelly:Well, maybe he's saying something with the genericness.

Erin:Kelly has it all - she's beautiful, she's smart, she's funny. And Andy... Andy has it all too. He's a total playboy.

Dwight:Call the police? I already have. Multiple times. They're on their way. I also called the FBI, the CIA, and Interpol. Jim is now on the most wanted list. There's a bounty on his head. A $50,000 bounty. Actually, make that $100,000.

Dwight:Am I threatening you?

Nick:No...

Michael:Oscar, you can't just hog the entire freezer with your frozen yogurt cups.

Oscar:Michael, there are three yogurts in there. You have seventeen frozen burritos.

Michael:That's different. Burritos are a food group. Frozen yogurt is just... cold dairy. It melts. It's not practical.

Oscar:That's literally the opposite of how freezers work.

Michael:Okay, people, we have a situation. There's a sulfur smell coming from somewhere in this office, and I need to find out where.

Phyllis:Michael, I told everyone this morning that my new medication causes that.

Michael:Your medication? Phyllis, why didn't you say anything?

Phyllis:I did. I sent an email.

Michael:Well, I didn't get it.

Michael:You know, they say money can't buy happiness. But it can buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen someone frowning on a jet ski? That's because they drowned.

Kelly:Yeah, well, Andy's cards are nothing. Last Valentine's Day, Ryan sent me a card that said 'Be Mine' and I was like, okay, so I sent him back a card with a picture of my uterus on it. And he was like, 'Why would you send me that?' And I was like, 'Because it's yours, Ryan. It's yours.'

Pam:We need to think outside the box on this one.

Jim:Okay, but we're still going to smell like the break room.

Michael:Okay, okay, I've got it. We could use a quantum flux capacitor to reverse the polarity of the problem.

Michael:Or we could invent a teleportation device. That always works.

Michael:Better yet, we hire a team of highly trained dolphins. They're very smart, very loyal.

Michael:That's what I'm talking about. Problem solved.

Jim:We could just talk to Jo.

Michael:Talk to her? Jim, that's crazy. That's like asking Rambo to just sit down and have a conversation with the bad guys.

Michael:I'm a man of few words. Any unnecessary vowels, consonants, or syllables, I just cut right out. I get straight to the point.

Jim:That's not really...

Michael:I'm great with people. Look, I have character witnesses right here.

Michael:These are dogs.

Jo:And please don't try to ride them. I know you will. But please don't.

Kelly:So you're saying you're available?

Dwight:Jim was manager for 40 days. I have it documented. Day one through day 40. I have charts. Line graphs. A heat map showing the productivity decline. Jim's tenure as manager lasted exactly 40 days, 16 hours, and 23 minutes. Not that I was counting.

Dwight:I provided the rope. Ryan provided the shovel. Together, we were unstoppable.

Ryan:I mean, I wouldn't say I provided a shovel. That's more of a metaphorical thing.

Ryan:We should go to that new craft cocktail bar downtown.

Dwight:Nonsense. We'll drink beet vodka. It's sophisticated.

Ryan:Beet vodka? That's not sophisticated, that's just... beets.

Dwight:You clearly don't understand terroir. Schrute Farms produces the finest beet vodka in the tri-state area. It pairs excellently with a beet chaser.

Pam:Don't make that a habit.

Jim:What, kissing you? I promise I will.