The Delivery

My favorite sport is one involving men with brooms, and they broom the ice in front of these cylindrical discs that float gently across the ice. And they smack into one another, and no one really explains the rules, but it's mesmerizing. And there are no winners, and no losers, only poetry, and it is called curdling.

Could it be under Affirmation? No. 'Cause you have thousands of those.

Today Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride.

So she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?

My husband and I are divorced, but I kept the Mrs. just to piss off the new wife.

These sure are pretty dogs. They love a good crotch. / Yeah, they sure do. / You should take that as a compliment. / Oh, I do.

Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room? / I am treating you the same as a man for whom I would also not stand, unless it was the president or Judge Judy.

Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that.

Jeez, you gave me a paper cut on my throat! Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat.

Jo, I don't know how things work in Florida which, from your description, sounds like a colorful, lawless swamp. But here it takes two men to do one job, where in Florida it might take one very strong woman to do such a job.

Each of you is doing half a job. / No. / And sometimes I can hardly handle that.

You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly 'cause gravy ain't sweet. Is it, Jim? / I don't think so. / Michael? / Forget the question.

Because, well, Jim, where I'm from, there are two types of folk: those who ain't and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Y'all come back now.

I was Miss Mott's Applesauce of 1966, Miss Peach Cobbler of 1967, Miss Mott's Applesauce in 1968.

Whoa, traffic jam. / Ooh. Uh-oh! Traffic jam on Route Three. / Beep beep! / Beep beep! / 20 people dead in a pileup. / There's blood everywhere!

You named them? / Uh, Charles Schulz did.

It's got pheromones in it.

I was 26 years old, working at Kodak... I strode into the boardroom wearing nothing but a pair of spike heels, a lace push-up bra, and matching lace panties... and I said, 'Gentlemen, if this is all you see, then take a good look.'

As a male manager, I would have never done that to you. I--I am nothing if not not sexist. / That's setting the bar a little low, isn't it? / The only time I set the bar low is for limbo.

I mean, where is that? Near Mars? / No, we know. Texas.

Camel Cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis, and vice versa.

I mean, I barely know my own Cadillac. And you know, sometimes I go in reverse when I wanna go forwards. I nearly killed a bunch of preschoolers.

I guess Andy likes me. I never thought of him in that way. But I guess in most romantic comedies, the guy you're supposed to be with is the one that you never thought of in that way. You might have even thought he was annoying or possibly homosexual.

You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the money, and quite honestly, the women.

If you visualize something, it can actually come true. / What? / I wonder if it works for other stuff.

It's Saturday night and Sheryl Crow is the musical guest on 'SNL.' And the camera turns to me. I'm in the audience, laughing. I'm her boyfriend.

Oh, that is my favorite ocean. I love it. Why is the Atlantic Ocean the best ocean? That is simple. According to Oprah, the Pacific Ocean is pretty much just garbage. The Indian Ocean is full of pirates. The Arctic Ocean is too cold. And the Southern Ocean is just the bottom of all the other oceans.

That is where the amoebas crawled from the murky depths and became man. So pretty cool.

Manuel who?

Son of a bitch. Pardon me.

I would sleep in my office, and I would sexually harass people. / Why would you do that? / I'm turning myself in right now.

Oh, Michael marked his heights. He's grown. / Mm.

Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time.

That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life. / Well, suggest something else then, don't just-- / He's supposed to cut his leg off? / Don't just criticize my idea! / Think! / You think of something then!

I just gotta stick with one of them, you know? I'm looking forward to this plot making me a better person.

Michael Scott, head of sales. / You gotta do something, man. You can't just sit there.

Like Frodo. / Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay, dumb jock? / Well, I think he can be corrupted, like Gollum. / Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum.

God, when this whole thing is done, I'm gonna bring you out to the farm and read you the entire trilogy and show you what an idiot you are.

Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy? / Why would I want to do that? / It's a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving, and a spinning brain is a working brain.

I just got a new account, the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called Curves. I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it.

It's not really 1992 anymore.

Obsessed with me much? / Well, everyone got one. / What did yours say? / Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with.

That girl can sing and dance and gets all of her clothes at the mall, and I feel like such a fool for thinking that Andy was only going after one girl 'cause Andy Bernard is a playboy, and why shouldn't he be? He's got it all.

No, the cops called us.

No.

That's because you kept opening the freezer door to check if they were frozen. / Yeah, but then I left it closed, and now they're all gone.

No, this is geological. / I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on. / Are you kidding me? / No.

Yes, money can buy happiness, but can it buy things? Things like a private office or a nose that can't smell? Answer is no.

Believe me, if I got that card, we'd be in the bathroom doing it right now.

Well, the grass is always greener. / Yeah, except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch.

We make a poster that says 'Happy Opposite Day,' and she sees it on the way out. That's stupid. Oh, I wish we had one of those amnesia flashlights from 'Men in Black,' and just--

Hey, what was that movie where their boss was within earshot, and they could have just gone and talked to her? / Lethal Weapon? / That's it. I think we should do it the 'Lethal Weapon' way.

Jo, I am a man of few words. I don't mince words. I try to use as few words as possible to express an idea or a thought or a concept. Along those lines-- / Jo, we made a mistake.

And weirdly, I'm a good dog person, right, guys? Come on. See? They love me.

And don't ride 'em. A lot of people try to ride 'em.

Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?

Boss for--what was it? Oh, 4 1/2 hours? New record, low. Previous record, Henry Rostin. Boss for nine years, four months, and he only left because he had family matters to attend to.

I can't help but think that something we did made this possible. / Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel.

Why not? / No, because martini bars are pretentious! No, thank you. / I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do, you know? / It is not farm boy swill. I will show you. It is beet vodka, and it is delicious.

Um, please don't make it a habit. / I'm afraid I'm going to.