The Delivery (1)

Pam:I'm pregnant, and I know that sometimes people respond better to pregnant women because we seem more trustworthy or vulnerable or something.

Jim:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't use your pregnancy as a sales tactic.

Pam:Why not? You use your looks all the time.

Jim:That's different. That's... that's just naturally happening. You're actively weaponizing your unborn child.

Dwight:I have a rare condition where my facial hair grows in at different rates on each side of my face. The left side grows in thick and full, while the right side grows in patchy and thin. I'm calling it 'Schrute's Asymmetrical Beard Syndrome.' I'm starting a support group. Dues are $200 a month.

Jim:Dwight, that's not a real condition.

Dwight:FALSE. It is very real, and it affects millions. I've already made the pamphlets.

Dwight:I have impregnated my wife. Twice. Both times intentionally. It's called a business strategy.

Dwight:I have no emotional needs. I don't experience emptiness or longing. But sometimes, when I'm at the grocery store, I'll unconsciously hug the produce.

Kevin:When Pam was pregnant, I'd make her these elaborate meals. Appetizers, main course, dessert, coffee service. I was just being thoughtful.

Kevin:Turns out I was just using her pregnancy as an excuse to eat like a king five times a day.

Jim:So I told Pam, 'You're gonna have to do all the night duty with the baby.' She was like, 'What? Why?' I said, 'Because you're the mom.' She said, 'That's not fair.' I said, 'I know, but I'm banking on you not leaving me because of a baby.'

Pam:Yeah, so Jim makes this joke like every week, and I just... I don't know. At this point, I'm just accepting it.

Michael:I'll drive you to the hospital. Don't worry, I've got this.

Michael:Oh, by the way, I may have loosened the lug nuts on the wheels last week as a prank. And the brakes might not be working. Also, I think I cut the steering column. But I'm pretty sure it's fine!

Michael:I'm baby-proofing the house. We conceived in the bedroom, so the baby's gonna want to live in the bedroom.

Michael:When you think about conception, you think romance. You think wine, you think dinner, maybe some Barry White on the stereo. But the reality is, most people are conceived in a car at a Denny's parking lot.

Jim:That's not... that's not how statistics work.

Michael:It's airtight logic, Jim.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's TMI, man. I don't need to hear about that.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Go back. What exactly happened?

Michael:If you wait too long to go to the hospital, the baby can age in the womb. I've seen it happen.

Dwight:That's not medically possible.

Michael:Oh really? Then explain to me how my sister waited so long that her baby came out with a full beard.

Michael:That came out wrong.

Michael:What I meant to say is... you're weird.

Michael:Nick is weird.

Michael:Wait, did I just say that out loud? He's gonna mess with my computer now. He's gonna delete all my files. Oh god, he knows where I live.

Angela:During labor, your body produces a hormone called relaxin that loosens your ligaments so much your pelvis can actually separate.

Angela:And contractions can break your ribs.

Angela:Plus, there's a very real possibility of tearing from your vagina to your anus. They call it a fourth-degree tear.

Angela:And you could die. Women die in childbirth all the time.

Dwight:I need to have a child. For the good of the Schrute bloodline, I need to have a child immediately.

Jim:Dwight, that's insane.

Dwight:I will pay a woman $10,000 to have my child. She will sign a contract stating that after birth, I will have sole custody.

Pam:That's illegal.

Dwight:Then she will sign away her parental rights. This is not a debate. I have made my decision.

Dwight:Angela, I have a business proposition for you. If you don't say no in the next five seconds, we're starting a beet farm together.

Angela:No!

Dwight:Too late. We shook hands.

Dwight:Her silence was consent. That's basic contract law.

Jim:That's not how consent works, Dwight.

Dwight:In the beet farm, we call it a hostile takeover.

Creed:You know, I'm with you. We should wait until midnight.

Jim:Why would we wait until midnight?

Creed:Because that's when Buttmud Brooks comes out.

Jim:It's like when a quarterback and a left tackle accidentally conceive a child.

Andy:You know, when it comes to baby names, you really want something that's going to stand out, something unique and memorable.

Andy:I mean, my parents gave me the name Andy, and look how well that turned out for me.

Andy:Although, to be fair, they did take it away from me and give it to my brother.

Michael:I'm a master of distraction. I can get anyone to stop paying attention to anything.

Michael:It's actually a very valuable skill. In school, I could disrupt an entire classroom without even trying.

Michael:Teachers loved me for it. Well, actually, they didn't. But they should have.

Phyllis:I can tell what kind of wood something is just by listening to it.

Stanley:That's not a real thing.

Phyllis:It is. Listen. *taps desk* Maple.

Dwight:I can identify any animal by their scat from up to 30 feet away.

Jim:Okay, I can make a sound like a baby crying that only works if I'm holding a potato.

Phyllis:I have a Molly Ringwald lipstick skill.

Michael:That's great, Phyllis, but I'm gonna pass.

Kevin:Okay, everybody, I need complete silence. This is a very delicate performance.

Jim:You got it, buddy.

Kevin:I'm serious. Not a sound.

Pam:We're ready, Kevin.

Kevin:Okay, here we go...

Ryan:You can do this, Kevin!

Kevin:What did I just say?! SILENCE!

Dwight:I have prepared a parenting contract. It includes a bizarre diet plan for the child - mostly raw vegetables and lean proteins. And there's a clause about teaching them to dodge bullets like in The Matrix.

Michael:Okay, okay, okay. So to slow down the labor, we need to prevent nipple stimulation. I got it. I'm gonna think of... Phyllis in a bikini.

Dwight:That's not gonna work.

Michael:You're right. Okay, uh, Kevin eating mayonnaise out of a jar.

Kevin:Hey!

Michael:Sorry Kevin, nothing personal. It's just... really effective.

Kevin:So if working is bad for me, then not working must be good for me.

Kevin:I'm going to stop coming to work and see how much better I feel.

Jim:No, no, no, no, no. You don't understand. This is serious. This is real. We need to handle this now. Now! We handle this now or everything falls apart. Everything. Falls. Apart.

Dwight:False. I have developed a proprietary method that allows me to choose the gender of my offspring with 94% accuracy.

Dwight:First, I time intercourse to coincide with the lunar cycle. Second, I consume only foods that are high in potassium to increase the likelihood of a male heir. Third, I maintain a strict regimen of calisthenics to ensure optimal sperm velocity.

Dwight:And fourth, I position myself at a precise angle — 43 degrees — during the act itself. It's all very scientific.

Jim:I know we said we weren't going to find out the baby's gender, but I couldn't wait. I broke down and looked at the ultrasound results.

Pam:Jim!

Jim:I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just too impatient.

Jim:Did you change clothes?

Pam:Yeah, I'm on maternity leave.

Michael:We missed the deadline by 25 minutes.

Michael:That's like missing midnight on New Year's Eve by 25 minutes. You're not drunk enough to not care, but you're drunk enough to really, really feel it.

Michael:Wait, what is this tradition you and Kevin have?

Pam:Oh, it's just something we do on Fridays. We call it 'Carb Loading.'

Michael:Carb loading? Like athletes do before a big game?

Kevin:Exactly. We're preparing our bodies.

Michael:Preparing for what? What sport are you two training for?

Pam:Well... the sport of eating more food.

Kevin:I'm gonna make a cake that looks like that alien from the movie. You know, with the long head and the teeth?

Kevin:I'm thinking fondant for the teeth, maybe some food coloring to get that slimy look.

Kevin:It's gonna be beautiful. And terrifying. Beautifully terrifying.

Pam:I'm scared, okay? I'm scared that something's wrong with the baby. I'm scared that I'm not going to be a good mother. I'm scared that Jim's going to leave me. I'm scared of everything!

Dwight:I can check your dilation if you'd like.

Jim:Why would you check my dilation?

Michael:Oh my God, we're gonna make it! We're gonna make it! Oh wait, is that a bald eagle?

Michael:I saw a bald eagle once. It was majestic. Just perched there on a telephone pole...

Michael:You know what? That was a really special moment for me.

Dwight:I love escorting people. It's one of my favorite things to do.

Jim:Escorting?

Dwight:Yes, I escort people to their cars, to their destinations. I'm very good at it.

Pam:Dwight, do you know what an escort service is?

Dwight:Of course. I accompany people places. That's escorting.

Real Police Officer:Excuse me, pull over.

Dwight:What's the problem, officer?

Real Police Officer:You're not a real police officer.

Dwight:I have a permit.

Real Police Officer:That's a Costco card.

Pam:I want my iPod for the birth.

Jim:Why? What's on there?

Pam:Well, I don't want the first thing our baby hears to be 'My Humps' by the Black Eyed Peas.

Michael:Actually, I have a theory about this. When a baby is in the womb, it can hear everything. So if the parents are arguing about iPods versus hospitals, the baby is absorbing that conflict. And that's why we have so many confused adults.

Jim:We need it yesterday.

Dwight:That's impossible. Yesterday has already passed. Time only moves forward. If we needed it yesterday, we would have gotten it yesterday. You're being illogical.

Security Guard:You can't park here.

Michael:I know. I'm parked.

Jim:So I went to the doctor and he said I need to lose weight. He said I'm 50 pounds overweight.

Jim:I said, 'Doc, in what measurements?' He said, 'Ounces.'

Jim:I went back next week, he said now I'm 900 kilograms overweight.

Jim:Last visit he told me I'm 6 million grams overweight. At this point I think he's just messing with me.

Michael:That's not... that's not a baby. That's not happening. No, no, no. I don't see a baby. There is no baby. What you're experiencing is mass hysteria. We're all imagining this. I'm calling corporate. This is a corporate matter now.

Michael:Oh my God, oh my God! I can see the head! That's a big head. That's a really big head. I've never seen anything like it. Oh, here it comes! That's the biggest thing I've ever seen come out of anything. That's what she said!

Michael:I got this really nice gift for the baby, but I was saving it for a special occasion.

Michael:Now the baby's here and I'm not ready. This is so typical. The baby ruins everything.

Phyllis:We need to hurry up with this baby news. My cake is melting.

Pam:Let me count your fingers and toes again.

Jim:I have 13 fingers and 11 toes. That's 24 total.

Pam:That's not right.

Jim:I'm pretty sure I know how many fingers and toes I have.

Michael:I'm a diapering expert. I've changed hundreds of diapers.

Dwight:That's impossible. You don't have any children.

Michael:Well, I've babysat. I've changed diapers at the hospital. I'm very skilled.

Dwight:Prove it. Change this diaper right now.

Michael:I... that's not... you can't just...

Michael:Well, this has been great, but I should probably get going. You know, lots of work stuff. Very important.

Michael:Okay, bye Helene. Pam. Jim.

Michael:Okay, I'm ready to hold the baby. Wait... I just realized something. Every time I hold a baby, I end up pantless. Why is that? Am I doing this wrong?

Dwight:I have declared war on the mold in this office. I've already confiscated Jim's desk chair and sent it to the hazmat facility.

Jim:Dwight, that was my chair.

Dwight:Contaminated. I'm also taking his bedding home to inspect it for spores.

Jim:Why would you take my bedding home?

Dwight:Thorough investigation requires hands-on analysis. Pam seemed very interested in the thread count.

Michael:Jim and Pam's relationship seemed completely insurmountainous at first.

Michael:Look, I'm not saying I'm a matchmaker, but Stanley got married. Stanley! The man who refuses to participate in office activities, who eats the same thing for lunch every day, who basically hates joy. And he found love. So if Stanley can do it, any of you can do it.

Michael:So Andy, you're single, right? You ready to mingle?

Andy:Actually, I'm dealing with some stuff right now. I have a really bad yeast infection.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Too much information.

Andy:You asked!

Andy:I've been waiting for the stars to align to ask out Erin.

Andy:And I mean that literally. Venus has to be in retrograde, Mercury has to be in Aquarius, and there has to be a full moon on a Tuesday.

Andy:My astrologer said the next time that happens is 2047.

Michael:You know, I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships. And I realize that we all have voids in our lives that need to be filled.

Michael:And the best way to fill those voids is with love. You gotta get in there and really... fill it up. Deep. As deep as you can go.

Michael:Really thrust yourself into it. Make sure you're hitting all the right spots, you know?

Dwight:That's what she said.

Michael:Exactly, Dwight. You understand me.

Pam:I don't think I'm doing this right.

Jim:What do you mean? You're doing great.

Pam:No, I think the baby's not latching correctly. Maybe you should try.

Jim:Me? Pam, I don't have the... I'm not equipped for that.

Pam:Well, you're a man. You have nipples.

Michael:Okay, I've made a decision. Erin and Kevin are now officially a couple. I'm calling it. Done. They're together now.

Michael:Kevin is very sensitive. When he was a kid, he was bitten by a radioactive... turtle. And now he has an irrational fear of reptiles and also the ability to communicate with them telepathically.

Kevin:So... you're eating lunch.

Erin:Yeah, I am.

Kevin:That's... food.

Erin:Uh-huh.

Kevin:You're chewing it.

Andy:In college, I would hide my plants when people came over because I didn't want them to think I was weird.

Andy:But then people would say, 'Hey, where are all your plants?' And I'd get so angry at them for accurately describing my behavior.

Lactation Consultant:Hi, I'm here to help with breastfeeding. You could say I'm a...

Lactation Consultant:Got Milk?

Dwight:The contract is finalized. We have dotted all of our i's and crossed all of our t's.

Jim:You mean crossed all of your T's and dotted all of your I's?

Dwight:No. I have my own way of doing things, Jim. And I suggest you respect it.

Michael:Kevin, I'm gonna be honest with you. You have no shot with Erin. None. Zero. You're a good guy, but you're not her type. You're like... you're like a golden retriever, and she's looking for a greyhound.

Kevin:Yeah, well, at least I'm not constantly getting rejected by women half my age.

Michael:I'm not getting rejected. I'm very successful with women. And your breath smells like the Chili's dumpster.

Pam:Oh my god, Jim! Come look at how perfectly she's sleeping. I think we really nailed this whole parenting thing.

Jim:She's beautiful, Pam. You're doing amazing.

Pam:I know, I just feel like we have such a special bond already. Like she knows me, you know?

Nurse:Um, excuse me Mr. and Mrs. Halpert? We need to talk about your hospital bracelet.

Jim:What? What do you mean?

Nurse:Well, this is actually the Johnson baby. Your daughter is in the nursery.

Pam:WHAT?!

Jim:Wow, so I just... click it in? That's it? Here I was thinking I'd need a degree in mechanical engineering. Thank God you explained that, because the seven instruction manuals, the YouTube videos, and the two hours I spent last night really weren't cutting it.

Isabel:Adults should go to the dentist twice a year.

Michael:That's insane. That's like asking someone to go to the doctor twice a year. Who has that kind of time and money?

Andy:Erin, I need to talk to you about something. I sent you a fax.

Erin:A fax? From where?

Andy:From my heart. It's a romantic gesture asking you out.

Erin:I didn't get anything.

Andy:What? That's impossible. I sent it three times.

Toby:Actually, I need to speak with you, Andy. Using company resources for personal romantic purposes is a violation of the employee handbook. This could result in termination.

Andy:Are you seriously threatening to fire me for trying to ask Erin out?

Toby:I'm not threatening. I'm informing you of company policy.

Jim:You can't just park wherever you want.

Michael:Why not? I'm a doctor.

Jim:You're not a doctor.

Michael:Not yet. But I will be soon.

Michael:Love is a force that can overcome any obstacle. It transcends logic, it defies reason, it—

Michael:*gags slightly* Sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Dwight:Angela, we just signed a major contract. How should we celebrate?

Angela:I don't know, Dwight. I'm not feeling well.

Dwight:We could get ice cream.

Angela:That's it? Ice cream?

Dwight:We could get ice cream and sit in silence.

Dwight:The mold remediation at Schrute Farms is complete. I've temporarily relocated to Jim and Pam's guest house while they're away.