The Delivery (1)

You cannot exploit your baby for sales.

My cousin came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus... The doctor says he's never seen it beard so quickly.

I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one.

Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.

Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch and first dinner.

I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.

I cannot wait for that joke to be over.

Actually, I put diesel in this time. Tried to save some money.

Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too.

Burning Man, Porta Potty.

Yuck! TMI. How was it?

Otherwise the baby's gonna become a teenager in there, and you'll be up all night from the rock music.

Shut up, Nick. God! What a weird thing to say.

Weird IT nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd.

Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.

Bear my child.

If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything.

Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 p.m. In our old meeting spot and bang it out.

if your baby's born tomorrow, he's gonna have the same birthday as Buttmud Brooks, my old roommate.

I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.

until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds... My brother was born and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Junior name

When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class.

I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.

No, no. I don't think anybody wants to see that.

You're clapping. I need complete silence.

then weaned onto a nutrient-rich, winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus.

Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.

Stick spicy food up her butt.

I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy. She's crazy. I'm not crazy. She's crazy.

It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.

I called the doctor, like, a week ago. I couldn't wait.

Oh, yeah. My water broke.

Too bad you didn't have sex, like, seven-and-a-half hours later.

That's Fancy Feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.

I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I...

I'm not going today because I can't do it! I don't think I can do it!

I didn't know we had a tape measure.

This is where I saw that deer last week.

In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. Got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.

You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer.

Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.

Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer?

Then why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday?

I just did.

Pam's doing great. Uh, she's 10 inches dilated now. Sorry, meters... Centimeters.

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

That kid's gonna have a lot of hair.

This frame set me back 55 bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper.

I have an ice cream cake in the car.

No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there are still 12 of each.

There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.

You know, I think it's time for me to go.

Again. No pants.

I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets.

The odds of them getting together were insurmountainable.

Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any?

Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so...

Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.

I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person.

Do you want to try it, Jim?

I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.

Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was 17.

So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?

You think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted.

Got milk?

Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's and the umlauts.

even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin.

This isn't about me, and that is debatable, and I have a personality, whereas you...

Wrong baby. This is not our baby!

Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.

Are they, now? How some people spend their money, right?

I need you to send it immediately or you're fired.

Five tickets on the windshield.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick.

Give me a couple days. Be out of your hair.