The Delivery (2)

Jim:Okay, so, uh, you're at like... three centimeters? That's good, right? That's like... that's almost a foot.

Pam:No, it's not.

Jim:No? Okay, well, you're doing great anyway.

Jim:Only been six hours.

Pam:Jim, it's been 19 hours.

Jim:Has it?

Jim:Okay, so you just push, right? Like, really hard?

Pam:Yes, Jim, that's... that's the general idea.

Jim:Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

Pam:What? No!

Jim:Because I feel like that solves most problems.

Jim:I need to wash my eyes. I can't unsee that.

Dwight Schrute:That is a beautiful baby. Congratulations.

Jim Halpert:Thanks.

Dwight Schrute:He's got a lot of hair for a newborn. That's a sign of a strong baby.

Jim:So when's the baby coming?

Pam:The doctor said mid-September.

Jim:Well it's almost October. I think your baby is late for its own birth.

Dwight:I framed the newspaper from the day you were born.

Jim:That's actually really sweet, Dwight.

Dwight:Yeah, well, you were supposed to be born on February 14th. But you were late. So now I have to get a new frame.

Phyllis:I brought ice cream cake.

Jim:Ice cream cake? It's melting!

Pam:We need to eat it now!

Michael:Everyone stop what you're doing. Ice cream cake emergency.

Dwight Schrute:Everyone is looking at the computer screen because there is a computer screen here that we are all looking at.

Michael Scott:You can't smoke in a hospital? What is this, Nazi Germany?

Dwight Schrute:Actually, smoking bans are a sign of a weak society that can't handle personal responsibility.

Michael Scott:Exactly! Back in my day, you could smoke anywhere. Airplanes, elevators, maternity wards...

Jim Halpert:Michael, you've never smoked in your life.

Michael Scott:That's not the point, Jim.

Pam:Let me count your fingers and toes again.

Jim:There are 12 of each. I'm very confident about this.

Jim:She's here! She's perfect. Eight pounds, two ounces.

Jim:Wait, no. Eight pounds, six ounces. The nurse told me but I wasn't really listening.

Jim:Pam's doing great. Both of them are doing great.

Jim:I'm a diapering master. I can diaper anything.

Pam:Anything?

Jim:Anything.

Michael:I love you. And I always will.

Helene:Oh Michael...

Michael:Not like... not in a weird way. Just like, you're a great woman and I respect you.

Dwight Schrute:The baby is naked again. This is the third time this week. In Schrute Farms, we keep our infants clothed at all times. It builds character and prevents chafing.

Michael:Did you hear that? The baby said 'Michael'! That's my name!

Pam:Actually, babies that age just make those sounds. It's not really—

Michael:Pam, Pam, Pam. The baby said my name. I'm going to choose to believe that and you're not going to take this away from me.

Dwight:I have located Pam's iPod. It was hidden in the break room behind some files. However, upon further investigation, I discovered a much more serious issue.

Dwight:There is mold. Significant mold. Growing behind the refrigerator. This is a biohazard that requires immediate attention.

Dwight:The iPod is no longer my priority. We could all be dead by next Tuesday.

Dwight:I have accomplished much during my stay. I have successfully identified and catalogued all of Jim's possessions. I have reorganized his sock drawer by thread count. I have established a new filing system for his utility bills. And I have achieved my most ambitious goal yet.

Jim:What's that?

Dwight:I asked about his sheets.

Dwight:Jim and Pam's relationship odds are insurmountainable.

Dwight:I'm the one who set Jim and Pam up. I saw the way he looked at her, and I knew. I could tell. And so I orchestrated the entire thing. False. Actually, I did nothing. But I would have, had I known about it.

Dwight:Dwight Schrute: master of romance. That's what they should call me.

Dwight:Stanley Hudson has two lovers. Two! If Stanley can find love twice, so can you.

Dwight:I know models.

Jim:Yeah, plus-size models.

Gabe:I can't date right now. I have a very rare medical condition called compartment syndrome, which causes my muscles to swell inside the fascia, cutting off circulation. The pain is unbearable. I've been having bowel issues related to my IBS, and I'm not even going to get into what my urologist found during my last prostate exam.

Andy:So I'm going to ask out Erin, but I need to wait for the stars to align. I've calculated that Jupiter and Venus need to be in conjunction, visible through the skylight in my apartment at exactly 9 PM.

Dwight:That's ridiculous. You can't control celestial bodies.

Andy:I'm aware, Dwight. But I've also factored in that the skylight needs to be clean, which only happens on Tuesdays after the window cleaner comes. So really, I'm looking at a very specific window of opportunity.

Dwight:Love is like a beet. It grows in the darkness, beneath the soil. You must nurture it, tend to it, and when it's finally ready, you harvest it and consume it whole.

Jim:I'm trying to swaddle her, but she's... she's too strong. I think she might be part Dunder Mifflin.

Lactation consultant:Would you like to try breastfeeding?

Jim:No! No, absolutely not.

Jim:Well, you know, babies need to socialize. It's actually good for their development.

Dwight:Kevin, Erin has agreed to go on a date with you. However, there are rules. You will not touch her until I say so. You will not speak unless spoken to. And you will certainly not eat anything without my permission.

Kevin:But what if there are cookies?

Dwight:No cookies, Kevin.

Kevin:But—

Dwight:No.

Michael:Kevin has an enormous heart. I mean, his heart is actually huge. The doctors were amazed. They said they'd never seen anything like it. They wanted to study it. They wanted to put it in medical textbooks. 'The Kevin Heart,' they called it.

Michael:I made that up.

Kevin:Did you just touch my shoulder? Are we getting married?

Erin:What? No, I was just—

Kevin:Because I've already picked out names for our kids. We're gonna have a son named Kevin Jr., and a daughter named Kevin-ella.

Jim:Wow, she's really going for it. That baby's gonna need a cigarette after that.

Andy:I was hiding behind a plant because in botany class, I developed this whole system where I would hide behind plants to avoid getting called on. It started freshman year when I didn't do the homework, and then it just became this thing. By senior year, I had mapped out every plant in the greenhouse and I had my favorite hiding spots. The ficus by the window was prime real estate.

Andy:So I'm standing there, behind this massive fern, and I realize—people think I hide behind plants. And here I am, literally hiding behind a plant while I'm about to confront them about it.

Lactation Consultant:Hi, I'm here to help with breastfeeding. Got milk?

Dwight:When drafting contracts, it's critical to dot every i and cross every t.

Jim:Dwight, that's just a figure of speech.

Dwight:A figure of speech? I'm dotting the i's, the J's, and any letter with an umlaut. This contract is airtight.

Jim:You're dotting the J's?

Dwight:False. J's don't have dots. I'm adding them. Superior attention to detail.

Dwight:I'm scheduling a meeting for mid-late afternoon.

Jim:Mid-late afternoon? That's not a real time.

Dwight:Of course it is. It's between mid afternoon and late afternoon.

Pam:Oh my god, he's actually latching. We're really parents now.

Michael:Kevin, I'm gonna be honest with you. Your dating prospects... they're not great.

Michael:I mean, you're a great guy, but women are looking for things like ambition, hygiene, conversation skills...

Michael:You're 0 for 3 there, buddy.

Kevin:I've dated a lot of women.

Michael:No, you haven't.

Kevin:I'm very attractive.

Michael:No, you're not.

Kevin:I have a lot of money.

Michael:You work in the warehouse.

Isabel:Oh my god, this isn't our baby.

Jim:What do you mean it's not our baby?

Pam:We've been feeding this baby for three hours.

Isabel:I think we grabbed the wrong one from the hospital.

Jim:How do you grab the wrong baby from the hospital?

Pam:They all look the same!

Isabel:We need to call the hospital. Now.

Jim:Yeah, I think I got it. You just... put the baby in the seat. Revolutionary stuff.

Dwight:Adults should go to the dentist twice a year.

Isabel:That seems like a lot of money to spend on teeth that are just going to fall out anyway.

Andy:I'm going to fax Erin a love note from the other side of the office.

Jim:You're in the same room.

Andy:Yes, but the fax adds romance. It's like a letter, but faster.

Pam:Or just talk to her.

Andy:Where's the mystery in that?

Andy:Erin, I'm going to have to let you go. You sent a fax to the wrong number.

Erin:Oh no! I'm so sorry, Mr. Andy. I'll never do it again. Please don't fire me. I need this job.

Andy:You know what? I'm going to give you one more chance. But you have to do exactly what I say.

Erin:Yes! Thank you so much, Mr. Andy. I'll do whatever you want.

Jim:Hey, I moved the car like you asked.

Pam:Thanks. Did you remember to move the car seat?

Jim:The car seat? I thought you meant just the car.

Pam:Jim!

Jim:What? I got three parking tickets!

Dwight:I tried to set up Erin and Kevin. It didn't work out.

Dwight:I have failed as a matchmaker.

Dwight:I need more time.

Dwight:The iPod could be anywhere. It's a small device. I've searched high and low, under cushions, behind the radiator, inside the toilet tank.

Dwight:I even started renovating the break room to access the walls. Knocked down drywall. Installed new wiring.

Dwight:But I will find it. I just need more time and possibly a construction permit.