Happy Hour

Employee:How many did you do?

Michael:Fifty-seven.

Employee:That's impressive.

Michael:Well, one of them was a girl pushup, so really fifty-six.

Michael:Alright, if anyone can beat the record, I will personally give them a hundred dollar bonus.

Dwight:I'll do a hundred girl pushups.

Michael:Okay everyone, listen up. I'm in charge here, and I need you all to know that you need to jump on board with my new initiative.

Jim:Jump on board?

Michael:Yes. How high can you jump? Because that's how committed you need to be.

Pam:Did you mean 'get on board'?

Michael:No, no, no. I know what I said. You gotta jump. It's like that saying — if I told you to jump, you'd ask how high. Well, I'm telling you to dance, so...

Michael:Wow, Stanley! You're doing pushups like you're some kind of superhero. What are you, bitten by a radioactive fitness instructor? Did you drink gamma radiation smoothies? Are you training to fight crime at night?

Jim:Yeah, well, he's got like 60 pounds on me, so...

Michael:That's what she said.

Oscar:Two conversations across months constitutes 'momentum'

Michael:We should do happy hour. You know, like we always do.

Jim:We've never done that.

Michael:Sure we have. Remember? Last month? That place with the... drinks?

Jim:That didn't happen.

Michael:Well, we should make it a tradition then.

Phyllis:Bob and I used to go to bars all the time. I'd wear a short skirt, low-cut top, really put myself out there. Then when the guys would come up and start harassing me, Bob would jump in and beat the crap out of them. He was my hero.

Jim:So I told her I couldn't come to her thing because I had to work late. Then I realized how that sounded, so I added that I was thinking about her the whole time.

Jim:Which, in retrospect, made it worse.

Pam:Oh my God, Jim! We're going out tonight! I am so excited I could just explode!

Jim:Yeah... cool.

Andy:You know, Angela, I've always thought you were really special.

Angela:If you don't back away from me right now, I will stab you with this pen.

Andy:Okay! Okay, I'm going!

Angela:He's very loud and obnoxious, and it's distracting.

Andy:I can hear you.

Angela:I know.

Kevin:So, uh, when a woman's body is producing milk, you know, for the baby, that's... that's lactation. But I like to call it 'the milky way.' Get it? Because milk? And the Milky Way? I think that's pretty funny.

Dwight:I would be honored to be your fourth. However, I must inform you that I am a skilled player. I have won three consecutive pool tournaments at the Schrute Farms community center. I trust you understand the competitive level at which I operate.

Darryl:That's a nice deck. I'm sure the termites are gonna love it.

Michael:I'm a really good driver. I've only had like three accidents.

Julie:Three accidents?

Michael:Well, four if you count the one where I hit a parked car. But that was parked illegally, so technically that was their fault.

Isabel:You're quite the wordsmith, Dwight.

Dwight:I appreciate that. You have a sharp wit yourself.

Isabel:Well, I do enjoy a good verbal sparring match.

Dwight:Sparring? I'll get my nunchucks.

Michael:Wait, ESP? Like mind reading?

Isabel:No, ESL. English as a Second Language.

Michael:Oh. Right. Yeah, I knew that.

Isabel:He's like a golden retriever in a business suit. All enthusiasm, no actual training.

Jim:Michael's gonna end up dating someone from the office.

Jim:It's gonna be a disaster.

Michael:Hi, I'm Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Michael:I'm Date Mike. Milk's favorite guy.

Julie:That's... that's great. I think I'm going to go.

Michael:I'm gonna crush this game. Watch and learn, people.

Michael:Yes! Yes! I'm the best! I'm the best!

Michael:Who's the man? Who's the man? I'm the man!

Angela:We should probably just act normal around the office.

Andy:Yeah, totally normal. No one will suspect a thing.

Angela:I'll just ignore you completely, and you can pretend I don't exist.

Andy:Perfect. And when our eyes accidentally meet across the conference room, I won't gaze longingly into your soul.

Angela:And I won't feel my heart skip a beat.

Andy:This is going to be so easy.

Angela:The easiest thing we've ever done.

Michael:So, Julie, where are you from?

Julie:Ohio.

Michael:Oh, Ohio! Great state. What do your parents do?

Julie:My dad's an accountant, my mom's a teacher.

Michael:Accountant and teacher, fantastic. Do you have any siblings?

Julie:Two brothers.

Michael:Two brothers. Any major health issues in your family? Genetic disorders? High cholesterol? Any history of mental illness? What's your credit score? Do you have a valid passport? Can you lift fifty pounds? What's your stance on vaccines?

Dwight:Angela has the loyalty of a German Shepherd and the grace of a Scandinavian ski instructor. But Esther has youth on her side. However, Angela and I have a prenuptial agreement that clearly states if I leave her for a younger woman, I forfeit my beet farm and my title as Assistant Regional Manager.

Michael:Watch this, I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.

Michael:It's a sign of a good kisser.

Julie:Please stop.

Michael:You know, I've dated a lot of women. And I've learned something from each and every one of them. But honestly, I think I've learned the most from the ones who didn't want to date me.

Angela:I hate drama. I really do.

Andy:Angela, you literally create drama every single day.

Angela:Okay, fine. I love it. I live for it. Are you happy?

Isabel:I could see enjoying a big family.

Dwight:Big like in number, or big like in physical size? Because I'm gonna need you to be more specific.

Pam:We need to do something about Michael's date.

Jim:What do you mean? Let him figure it out.

Pam:No, he's going to say something weird. We should send him a text.

Jim:A text? Pam, he's on a date.

Pam:Exactly. We'll tell him what to say. I'll write it out, you send it from a fake number so he thinks it's advice.

Jim:That's insane.

Pam:Okay, better idea. We dress up like waiters and interrupt with a special announcement about how great he is.

Jim:No.

Pam:We hire a skywriter. We get a plane—

Jim:Pam, stop.

Michael:That's what she said.

Bartender:Do we have a problem?

Michael:Yeah, we do. I think we need to talk about income inequality. The top one percent now controls more wealth than the entire middle class combined. It's unconscionable.

Michael:Okay, listen up everybody. A bar manager has to be firm but fair. You gotta lay down the law, but you also gotta be their friend. It's a delicate balance. Like a tightrope walker, but instead of a rope, it's management philosophy, and instead of a walker, it's me.

Michael:I'm writing a management book. The working title is 'Somehow I Manage.' And my cover photo, I'm on a motorcycle. But I'm not wearing a helmet. I'm wearing a halo.

Michael:Yeah, I own it. I haven't read it, but I own it.

Michael:Well, maybe you just don't know how to drive it properly.

Bar Manager:I know how to drive, genius. It's the car that's the problem.

Michael:That's what someone with a broken car would say.

Bar Manager:Oh, so now I'm broken?

Michael:No, your car is broken. Which means you're broken for buying it.

Bar Manager:You're the one who told me to buy it!

Michael:Well, you're the one who listened to me!

Andy:Okay, so we're going to throw people off the scent by acting completely normal around each other.

Andy:I'm going to start wearing a woman's perfume to confuse them.

Angela:What are you doing?!

Andy:What? I'm just trying to hit my targets.

Angela:Your targets?!

Andy:Yeah, my sales targets. What did you think I meant?

Michael:I have a card. I put it in someone's fishbowl for a drawing.

Michael:Oh, that's not a business card. That's actually a withdrawal slip from his bank account. Stanley likes to keep things... liquid.

Julie:What is Michael usually like?

Pam:Um... he's... he's a great boss. He's really funny. He's very caring. He's... he's a great guy.

Darryl:Oscar, listen to me. That dude ain't interested in you. And I say that as your friend.

Andy:Okay everyone, if I could have your attention please. I have an announcement to make. This is a formal declaration, so I'm going to need everyone to listen up.

Andy:After careful consideration and extensive deliberation, I am pleased to announce that I am in a relationship. This relationship is effective immediately and will continue indefinitely, pending quarterly reviews.

Andy:We have already discussed synergy, aligned on core values, and established a five-year plan. There will be a follow-up meeting next Tuesday to discuss benefits.

Dwight:I single-handedly captured the Scranton Strangler. The police couldn't do it, but I did. I'm a hero in this town.

Process Server:Dwight Schrute?

Dwight:That's me.

Process Server:You've been served.

Angela:You've been served.

Isabel:What? What is this?

Angela:It's a breeding contract. For your cats.

Angela:I need an answer about the contract. Now.

Dwight:No.

Angela:That's it. I'm calling my lawyer.

Michael:That's what she said.

Jim:That's not what she said.

Michael:I think that went really well. I'm bringing back Date Mike. Date Mike is a real person, and people respond to him.