Todd Packer

Todd Packer:Attention shoppers, we have a cleanup on aisle 5.

Michael:Okay, here's the timeline for our movie. We'll shoot for two weeks, edit for one week, have it ready in three weeks.

Michael:Actually, you know what? Let's make it perfect. Four weeks of shooting, two weeks of editing.

Michael:Wait, I'm thinking about the color grading. Six weeks of shooting, four weeks of editing, two weeks of color correction.

Michael:And the sound design — we need pristine audio. Eight weeks shooting, six weeks editing, three weeks color, four weeks sound design.

Michael:You know, Scorsese took a year on the last one. Let's do eighteen months. Actually, two years. This is going to be a masterpiece.

Michael:We're looking at three years minimum. Maybe four. We need it to be perfect.

Erin:You guys, Michael told me that if I didn't want to stay late, I should definitely stay late, because that's what quitters do.

Erin:So I'm staying late! Wait... why would he say that if he didn't want me to stay late?

Jim:It's like a home movie, except Michael directed it.

Jim:So it's terrible.

Pam:They laughed at what was meant to be serious.

Jim:Yeah, that's not great.

Ryan:Thanks, Mom.

Dwight:I chose a robot voice because it's efficient and removes all human emotion from the equation.

Michael:No, no, no. Do it more... natural. Like you're just talking to me.

Dwight:Okay. So, I'm efficient and I remove all human emotion from the equation.

Dwight:My robot character has seventeen different combat modes, a plasma cannon built into his left arm, and can travel at speeds up to 200 miles per hour.

Jim:That's not a robot. That's just you.

Stanley:I'm doing this for the children.

Stanley:What the hell was I thinking?

Michael Scott:Okay, we'll flip a coin. Heads, we do it my way. Tails, we do it your way.

Michael Scott:Tails. Okay, best two out of three.

Michael Scott:Best two out of three goes to me. Best three out of five.

Michael Scott:Best three out of five, also me. Best four out of seven.

Michael:Cleanup on aisle five.

Michael:*shoots gun* ...There's gonna be cleanup on aisle five.

Jim:I mean, yeah, okay, fine. I did it to impress Pam.

Jim:She's the receptionist, and... I don't know, I thought it would be cool.

Michael:Alright Cherokee Jack, I'm ready to learn from the master.

Creed:Good. Your training begins now.

Creed:You see this mop? This is everything.

Michael:I don't understand. When do we learn the martial arts? The weapons training?

Creed:The mop IS the martial art. The mop IS the weapon.

Michael:So... we're just mopping?

Creed:We're just mopping.

Michael as Scarn:You'll never get away with this, Goldenface!

Jim as Goldenface:Oh, but I already have. And by the way, I was never actually trying to kill you.

Michael as Scarn:What? Then what were you doing?

Jim as Goldenface:Trying to make you care about me. It's the only way I knew how.

Jim:How's your wife?

Goldenface:She's dead. I killed her.

Michael:I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry about this.

Michael:This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

Michael:I apologize in advance.

Michael:Please forgive me.

Dwight:I had an entire backstory as a robot. They cut it. Fifty-seven pages of robot lore. My processor was a beet.

Todd Packer:Michael made a movie? That's great. I'm sure it's... really something. Look, I gotta get back to work.

Michael:You know, we spent a lot of money on that shot. I wanted it to look like a big-budget action movie. So I hired a stunt coordinator, rented a camera crane, and we did seventeen takes. Cost us about five thousand dollars. And you know what? It looks exactly like a homemade video made by a bunch of amateurs.

Michael Scott (as Threat Level Midnight):No, no, no. You don't understand. That man... he was a good man. A family man.

Michael Scott (as Threat Level Midnight):But then I realized... he was actually the worst. The absolute worst.

Michael Scott:You're about to get bench-pressed... and I'm not talking about the gym.

Director:Cut! Michael, you're breaking character.

Michael:Sorry, sorry. Jim just exploded and I couldn't keep a straight face.

Director:That's the problem with you actors and your improvisation. Stick to the script!

Michael as Scarn:I've been shot 47 times, stabbed 11 times, set on fire, had my arm ripped off, had it reattached by a street doctor, poisoned, electrocuted, frozen, thawed, burned again, had my face melted off, my face put back on, had my skeleton removed, been hit by a truck, two trucks, a train, and a small bus.

Darryl:Yeah, I got some serious problems at home.

Bartender:Tell me about it. My cable went out for like an hour yesterday.

Darryl:...Your cable went out.

Bartender:I missed the entire first act of Judge Judy.

Jan:You know, Michael, I've been thinking about you all day. In fact, I'd like to sit on your face and wiggle around a little bit.

Jan:I'm not a quitter. I'm a doer.

Jan:Don't you dare laugh at me.

Michael:You know what? I've still got it. Watch this.

Michael:I'm Michael Scott, yes it's true, I'm the best boss in the room, how are you?

Michael:I can dance, I can sing, I can do anything, I'm the king of the ring!

Jim:Oh no.

Pam:Is he...?

Dwight:This is remarkable.

Michael Scott:I'm like an action hero, but I dance. I'm... Threat Level Midnight.

Dwight:That's the worst name I've ever heard.

Michael Scott:No, no, no. It's cool because it sounds dangerous, but I'm also graceful.

Jim:So you're saying you're dangerous and graceful at the same time?

Michael Scott:Exactly.

Jim:That's like saying you're a brilliant idiot.

Jim:I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just... you're upset that a fictional character didn't call you back?

Jim:Should we send flowers to the movie theater? Maybe leave a strongly worded letter at the box office?

Jim:You should submit your movie to some film festivals.

Pam:Really? You think it's good enough?

Jim:Yeah, or carnivals.

Holly:I loved how they really captured the essence of the story, you know? And the cinematography - the way they framed each shot was just so intentional. Plus, the production design, the costumes, everything came together so seamlessly.

Michael:That's not a compliment, Holly. That's like saying, 'Hey, you'd be great at friendship.' Well, yeah. I'm great at a lot of things. I'm great at business. I'm great at drinking beer. I'm great at volleyball.

Holly:Michael...

Michael:No, no, no. I want to be great at something that matters. Like my movie. It's about a guy who's really good at friendship and uses that to solve crimes.

Michael:I've been working on a screenplay for like, eight years now. It's called 'Threat Level Midnight.' I've also been developing a novel, a children's book, and I'm pretty sure I invented the phrase 'that's what she said' before anyone else.

Michael:I'm a huge Woody Allen fan.

Dwight:Really? Which of his films is your favorite?

Michael:Oh, well I've only seen one movie, actually.

Dwight:Which one?

Michael:Antz.

Michael:Woody Allen is a great filmmaker. His movies are works of art.

Michael:I mean, I preferred Match Point, but that doesn't mean anything.

Michael:That was directed by Christopher Nolan, so... Woody Allen is still a genius.

Michael:So we're filming this season in the office, but I realized we need to move some things around for the cameras.

Michael:I may have accidentally knocked over the water cooler.

Michael:And the filing cabinets. All of them.

Michael:I also rearranged everyone's desks into a circle because I thought it would be more intimate for the documentary.

Michael:And I kind of... set a small fire in the break room. But it was a very small fire.

Jim as Goldenface:My father ran a gold factory. But he only cared about one thing: money. So I became Goldenface.

Jim:So the satellite TV just magically started working?

Dwight:It's not magic, it's superior timing and technical expertise.

Jim:Or it just needed to be turned off and back on again.

Dwight:That's what I said.

Jim:I have to admit, that was the most convincing robot butler performance I've ever seen.

Jim:Which is saying something, because I've seen a lot of robot butlers.

Michael:I accept this mission, Mr. President.

Michael:Wait... you're the villain!

Andy:Well, maybe the character just forgot about that earlier episode.

Jim:Or maybe it's just bad writing.

Michael:You might be wondering how I know so much about Michael Scarn. Well, that's because I am Michael Scarn.