Garage Sale

Dwight:I have a complete rotation system. Every six months, I consume the oldest item and replace it with fresh supplies. It's perfectly safe.

Jim:Dwight, that can is from 2015.

Dwight:Exactly. Peak freshness window.

Creed:Want some cheese?

Creed:It's toe cheese.

Dwight:Meredith will do okay.

Dwight:The end times are upon us. I estimate we have approximately 72 hours before civilization collapses.

Jim:72 hours? That's pretty specific. What happens at hour 73?

Dwight:Complete anarchy. Society will crumble.

Jim:Okay, so should I finish this report by then, or...?

Dwight:Jim, this is serious.

Jim:I know, I just want to know if I should hit send on this email to accounting before the apocalypse.

Jim:Okay, Dwight, I'm done. 495 months? That's over 40 years. You've won. I concede.

Dwight:Finally! I knew you didn't have the stamina for a true Schrute-level commitment.

Todd Packer:I'm worried I'm becoming too much of a womanizer. I've got shirts at like five different women's houses.

Todd Packer:I got tired of collecting all those merit badges down below, if you know what I mean.

Todd Packer:It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times.

Todd Packer:Holly, you are absolutely stunning. You look just like Jennifer Aniston.

Holly:Oh, thank you!

Todd Packer:No, I mean you're even more beautiful than Jennifer Aniston. If Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie had a baby, that baby would be jealous of you.

Michael:Holly, listen to me. You can't let Packer's jokes get to you. You just have to laugh along, even if they're not funny. It's about being a team player.

Holly:But Michael, some of his jokes are really offensive.

Michael:I know, I know. But that's just how he is. You gotta roll with it. In fact, I've had like five beers and I think his jokes are hilarious right now.

Michael:Everyone, please welcome our guest speaker. And, uh, he needs no introduction.

Michael:Mostly because he's already been introduced to everyone in this office. Personally. Very personally.

Michael:You know what? None of you are attractive enough anyway. I mean, look at this office. It's like a bad episode of 'The Ugly Olympics.'

Todd Packer:You guys have been great, and I want you to know how much I appreciate you. You're like... you're like real friends to me.

Todd Packer:But obviously, I'm still looking for actual friends. You're just placeholders until I find some cool people.

Michael:Just like a condom, a condominium is something you slip into and then regret for the next eight to ten years.

Holly:I approved his hire. He seemed like a good fit.

Holly:What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Holly:A 'fit' is a good thing. It means he was qualified.

Holly:No, I know what the word means. It's a common word.

Holly:It means... suitable. Compatible. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Holly:It's not complicated. A fit. Good fit. He was a good fit for the job.

Holly:I don't know how else to explain this to you.

Erin:I'm sorry I'm late. I got stuck in my shower this morning.

Gabe:Stuck? What do you mean, stuck?

Erin:The door wouldn't open. I was in there for like twenty minutes.

Gabe:Did you try the handle?

Erin:Of course I tried the handle, Gabe. I'm not an idiot. I had to call the fire department.

Gabe:The fire department came to your house?

Erin:Yeah, they had to break down the shower door. It was very embarrassing.

Andy:Erin needed a new computer because her IP address was getting too old. I told her, 'Erin, your IP address is like your social security number for the internet.' She said, 'So I need to change it every time I commit identity theft?'

Pam:It feels good to help someone, you know?

Jim:Yeah, it does. Until you have kids and realize you're just helping them avoid becoming a burden to society.

Michael:I'm just waiting for Creed to die so I can have his desk. It's the best spot in the office.

Dwight:My name is carved under this desk.

Michael:That's not your name, Dwight. That's Packer's juvenile graffiti.

Dwight:What? No, I carved that myself!

Michael:It says 'Dwight is a dork.' That's Packer.

Todd Packer:You want your desk back? That'll be fifty bucks.

Todd Packer:What? I'm running a business here. Supply and demand, baby.

Todd Packer:Hey, what's with the zen garden? You trying to find inner peace or something?

Office worker:Yeah, it's supposed to be calming.

Todd Packer:Well, you know what else grows in dirt? My sense of humor.

Angela:Well, Holly, I have to say... your incompetence is almost impressive. Almost.

Holly:Thank you?

Angela:That wasn't a compliment.

Meredith:He's like a bad rash that keeps coming back.

Phyllis:Exactly. We need to present a united front against him.

Holly:You know, the government is like a big machine, and we're all just tiny parts.

Ryan:That's actually really deep when you think about it.

Angela:Packer is such a Neanderthal. He humped my leg like a dog.

Holly:Yeah, well, he humped mine too.

Gabe:This computer is moving too slow. I need it to go faster.

Andy:Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Gabe:I'm not an idiot.

Andy:I'm throwing a sailing party. You're invited. All hands on deck.

Andy:Erin, this new computer is top-of-the-line. It's so fast, it makes the MacBook Air look like a MacBook Turtle.

Erin:A MacBook Turtle?

Andy:Yeah, it's slow. Like a turtle. It's a funny comparison because turtles are slow and so would be a slow computer named after a fast animal.

Andy:My computer is so slow, it's like trying to download the entire continent of Africa on a 56k modem.

Pam:Getting everyone computers would be crazy.

Stanley:So you're saying I'm not worth a computer.

Phyllis:I want a new computer.

Andy:Why? So you can email chain letters and look up pictures of cats?

Todd Packer:All for one and one for all? More like all for one and none for the ladies!

Todd Packer:I'd love to spend more time with my daughter, but she's been acting like such a bitch lately. I mean, she's turning into her mother!

Kevin:You should write a book, Todd. You've got so many great stories.

Todd Packer:A book? Kevin, I'd need you to read it to me first.

Todd Packer:Besides, I'm not really a writer. Now, a cookbook? That I could do. 'Todd Packer's Guide to Eating Meat and Telling Inappropriate Stories.'

Kevin:That actually sounds pretty good.

Todd Packer:Of course it does. It's got meat and stories. What else does anyone need?

Dwight:Kevin, you are a beautiful person. On the inside and the outside. You remind me of a young Orson Welles.

Kevin:Thanks, Dwight.

Dwight:He was also a great man. Great man.

Andy:Erin asked me to hold onto her computer while she was out.

Pam:Andy, she's sitting right there.

Andy:I know, but she asked me to hold it.

Pam:She's looking right at you.

Pam:I'm totally fine. I'm calm. Everything is fine.

Pam:I use this breathing technique where I just breathe in and out, in and out, and it keeps me centered.

Pam:I'm fine!

Pam:Your computer doesn't suck, Andy. Erin just has a really fast workflow.

Andy:So you're saying my computer IS slow.

Andy:Hey, when I switch my computer back, can you promise me you won't hump it?

Erin:Oh my God, this is so exciting! I love when things happen!

Erin:Pam, what do you think? Should I wear the yellow or the pink?

Pam:Oh, um... I think... either one is great, Erin.

Erin:But which one?

Pam:Please, Erin, I'm begging you. Just pick one and go. Pick one and go!

Michael:I'm nothing like Packer. I'm funny, I'm charming, I'm a great boss...

Michael:Wait, did I just call myself not funny?

Holly:So you're saying viral videos are funnier than Charlie Chaplin?

Michael:I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that if you had to pick between watching a Charlie Chaplin film or watching a guy get hit in the nuts with a football, most people are going to choose the guy getting hit in the nuts.

Holly:That's ridiculous.

Michael:No, it's not. It's funny because it's unexpected. Charlie Chaplin, you know what you're getting. Sad clown.

Jim:I made you hot chocolate because it's cold outside, you looked tired, and I thought you'd appreciate it.

Todd Packer:That's three reasons, Jim. Three. You're making this real suspicious.

Jim:Why would you put a whole egg in hot chocolate?

Dwight:It's a medieval recipe. The yolk creates a creamier texture, and the white prevents scurvy.

Jim:Eggs don't prevent scurvy.

Dwight:Not with that attitude.

Dwight:We could jam his drawers. That would really get him going.

Jim:Yeah, or we could just read him passages from Edgar Allan Poe. Really set the mood.

Dwight:I was listening to the radio and heard this new artist. Justin... Beaver.

Jim:It's Bieber.

Dwight:That's what I said. Justin Beaver. He's a former Olympic swimmer from Canada who transitioned into music after a tragic poolside incident left him unable to compete.

Jim:No, Dwight—

Dwight:His parents were beavers. Literal beavers. That's where he gets his stage name. Very poignant.

Jim:Hey, can we talk privately for a second?

Dwight:Of course. We'll need to file a Form 27-B: Request for Confidential Discourse, submit it to corporate, wait for approval, then schedule the conversation during the designated inter-departmental dialogue window.

Jim:Or we could just... go in the break room?

Dwight:That would bypass proper channels. Highly irregular.

Pam:So the company replaces your computer every five years.

Andy:Every five years? That's like dog years for technology.

Pam:Yes, exactly.

Andy:So my computer is my little puppy dog. I'm gonna call it Precious.

Jim:Dwight, I need your top 40 prank ideas.

Dwight:I have 400. And they're all perfect.

Jim:Okay, so Dwight's got a whole notebook of prank ideas here. Let's see... 'Put a fake spider in his desk.' That's pretty standard. 'Replace his stapler with a lighter.' Okay, getting creative. 'Convince him that he's been in a coma for three years.' Alright, that's dark. 'Dress up as his dead mother and sit in his chair.' Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why would you— I'm burning this notebook.

Jim:I'm sorry, what?

Andy:Okay, so I've disabled all the safe sites. Now she has to go through approval chains.

Andy:First she needs my sign-off, then Dwight's, then corporate compliance.

Andy:And if she somehow gets past all that, the final approval comes from a server in Belarus.

Andy:Which, let's be honest, is basically just a guy named Sergei who approves everything for five dollars.

Andy:Oh no, this computer's been acting up. I'm so worried about it. Maybe we should just get a new one?

Erin:Andy, you literally just poured coffee on it.

Todd Packer:Look, I want to have an honest conversation with you. No games, no BS.

Todd Packer:I think we need to clear the air and really get down to brass tax here.

Todd Packer:I mean, we've been dancing around this for too long. Time to bite the bullet and let the cat out of the bag.

Todd Packer:Kevin, I want to apologize for everything I've done. I've been a real jerk, and you deserve better than that.

Kevin:Oh, that's so nice of you to say, Todd. I really appreciate that. Does this mean you're buying lunch for everyone today?

Todd Packer:Well, I wouldn't go that far...

Kevin:Yeah, I didn't think so.

Todd Packer:Hey, I wanted to apologize. You're a great guy, really talented, great sense of humor, incredible person.

Todd Packer:Yeah, I'm overdoing it, aren't I?

Michael:Okay, look, Packer's not a bad guy. He's just... he's a guy who likes to have fun.

Michael:And yes, maybe some of that fun involves situations that are legally questionable, but that doesn't make him a bad person.

Michael:He's very loyal. I mean, he's loyal to himself, which is the most important kind of loyalty.

Michael:And sure, he may have done some things that hurt people, but he felt bad about it. For like, seconds.

Michael:Angela, you and I are a lot alike.

Angela:We are nothing alike.

Michael:No, no, we are. We're both very rigid, very controlling, we have very high standards.

Angela:That's not—

Michael:And we're both very difficult to get into.

Michael:Okay, so here's the deal with your new position. You'll be based out of our Scranton branch, but you'll also be spending a lot of time at Steamtown Mall.

Michael:It's a real hands-on role. Very experiential. You'll be learning the ins and outs of retail, tourism, and soft pretzels.

Michael:Plus, there's a carousel right there, so you can take breaks whenever you need to. The company pays for your carousel rides.

Todd Packer:You know, I've been reading a lot lately. Really getting into philosophy and literature.

Todd Packer:Yeah, I just finished this incredible book about the human condition.

Todd Packer:It had this one scene with a woman bending over to pick something up...

Todd Packer:I'm telling you, Michael, Florida is amazing. The weather, the beaches, and the local talent.

Michael Scott:Local talent?

Todd Packer:Yeah, you know what I mean. The women down there are incredible.

Holly:He's really awful.

Michael:You ah!

Holly:What?

Michael:You ah awful. I'm from Boston.

Darryl:So you're telling me you found a computer in the warehouse?

Pam:Yes. It was just... sitting there.

Darryl:Pam, we've worked here for years. There's no computer in the warehouse.

Pam:Well, maybe it was... a really good hiding spot?

Darryl:You're sweating.

Pam:It's warm in here!

Darryl:Yeah, I need to take some sick days.

Pam:How many?

Darryl:Five.

Pam:Okay, I can do three. But you have to owe me one.

Darryl:Owe you one what?

Pam:A favor. Any favor I want. No questions asked.

Darryl:That's extortion.

Pam:That's negotiation.

Pam:I've done things that would make a mob boss blush. I've stolen office supplies, lied on timesheets, and once I may have embezzled... no, definitely embezzled. I'm basically a criminal now.