Garage Sale

You're eating eight-year-old tomatoes. They're still good for another week.

I've got some cheese you might like too... In between my toes.

Kevin will be eaten. Pam will be taken slave. Jim will be made a warlord's Jester. Meredith will do okay.

Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months. Three months. - Could be. - Four months.

494 months. I could see that happening. 495 months. That's just...

I really thought I was becoming too much of a womanizer. I realized I had shirts in five different women's houses.

Truth is, I got a couple love bumps on my ding-dong, so I was like, 'oh, game over.'

It was the best of times. It was the 'awesomest' of times.

Whoa, I'm sorry. Michael, I thought we were meeting Holly today, not Jennifer Aniston.

Just so you know, he's at his funniest when you've given him, like, five shots. And it also helps if you've had five shots. I already have.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him.

Just kidding. He wouldn't be interested in any of you.

It's great to be among friends. And until then, you suckers will do.

Packer is turning in his car for a desk. He is turning in his condoms for a condominium, although he's probably going to have to use condoms from here on out.

What don't you understand about the word 'approved'? It seems a couple of you don't know what the word 'approved' means. I have very little patience for stupidity.

Sorry we're late. Gabe fell in the shower. Such a klutz. Yeah, and it took the fire department forever to get there.

And I don't want to say the other one was old, but its I.P. Number was one.

You know, I cleaned up our daughter for, like, an hour at 4:00 A.M. This morning, so... So you know the feeling.

We have been thinking about where packer should sit, and we can't just sit around waiting for creed to die.

'Packer was here and so was your mom.'

It's $20 to watch, Halpert.

Whose dirt box is this? That's our zen garden. What do you grow in here, bull crap?

You think you're so cute with your pretty blond hair.

That's how he gets you to take off your panties. - Why are you nodding? - United front.

Right. This isn't the U.S. government. What are you referencing? Everything. Everything.

Well, I mean, he humped Michael. Well, if that's the case, I guess I've got to be fired too.

This computer's a hunk of junk. Hey, sailor, come watch your regatta over here.

This is a sick computer. Gwen Stefani has this computer.

Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become famous as the slowest computer in Africa.

So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now.

What, are you gonna play mah-jongg faster?

Yeah. Three muske-queers.

I don't know. I love her and all, but she's turned into a bitch. Most days she's great, but some days she acts like her mom.

Since when did you learn how to read? I do know how to read, though. Yeah. You know how to read a menu.

Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up-and-comer.

Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched. What? Erin, is that true?

When I'm freaking out, I just sort of step back, take three deep breaths. I'm not freaking out. Okay? And then I ask myself, 'is this worth freaking out about?'

Andy, why should she have your crappy computer? Oh, that's interesting. So you also think my computer's crappy.

Please make sure nobody is humping me.

Best day ever. Best day ever. So much is happening.

Question... should I get stripes shaved into the side of my head? No. No. Please.

Oh, he's funnier than me. He's not funny at all. So I'm less funny than not funny at all?

Okay, bill cosby, Steve Martin, Charlie bit my finger, Michael Scott, then all the way down here, Todd packer.

'Cause I want to let bygones be bygones, show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. That's a lot of reasons.

The only hot chocolate I'm into is Vivica A. Fox.

It isn't poison. It's a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just a lot more of a laxative.

Does Edgar Allen poe know about that one? So sinister.

Who is justice beaver? He... it's a crime-fighting beaver.

I put a sign-up sheet in the conference room, and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes, and it started two minutes ago, so...

Well, if it breaks all the way, I can get you a new one. Pretty sneaky, sis.

There are 400 of these. Yeah, I couldn't cut it down. They're all good.

'Number three... eat a frog.' That sounds promising. 'Number four... eat a dog.'

'Eat a brog.' Maybe it's 'cause I didn't understand it.

Allow all cookies? Why, 'soitenly.' Pop-ups? Yes, please. Bit torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah, why not?

Oh, I hope you don't get sick, Mr. computer. Why are you doing this to me, Andy?

Michael, can I open the kimono with you? I've been on the road too long.

I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier. Well, like I said, I wasn't offended, but I'll stand here for the big show.

Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny, and you're a genius. That... that was maybe too much.

Packer is a survivor of divorce, Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parents' expectations, Andy.

Angela loves pussycats. Packers loves... - No, don't. - I was going to say 'dogs'!

Now I know why jo has kept her eye on you. And you make sure to get down there and check out the Harry Potter world.

I'm a huge alligator nerd. I can name you every genus, every subspecies. Also, I'm a huge boob nerd.

All I'm saying is, in about a month or so, have you down to Florida, introduce you to all the local talent.

I'm sorry about your friend. No. He's an ass. You are. What are you, wicked smaht? No, you are.

Yeah, you really did, 'cause I know every inch of that warehouse. Yep. Super lucky.

Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days. Yeah. You know what? I think I saw one sick day... I think maybe I saw five. Three.

I'm full on corrupt.