Training Day

Michael:We're having a garage sale to raise money for the office.

Michael:And then we're going to use that money to throw a party for everyone in the office.

Michael:So basically, we're selling our stuff to buy snacks for ourselves.

Dwight:People don't want to buy things when they're comfortable. Cold weather forces them to make quick decisions. It's a proven sales tactic.

Jim:That's not a sales tactic, that's just being cold.

Dwight:False. Comfort is the enemy of commerce. I learned that from my grandfather, who sold pencils in a blizzard.

Dwight:You think I'm just going to give away this thumbtack? This thumbtack was passed down to me by my grandfather. He won it in a high-stakes poker game in Atlantic City back in 1987. The man he won it from was a Russian spy. That spy spent the next fifteen years trying to get this thumbtack back. My grandfather had to fake his own death and move to a remote cabin in the Poconos. When he finally passed it to me on his deathbed, he made me swear on a stack of Schrute Farm deeds that I would never, ever let it fall into the wrong hands. So no, Jim, you cannot have this thumbtack.

Dwight:I am a master of negotiation. I will trade anything for anything. I am unstoppable.

Dwight:My first target: this pathetic used candle.

Jim:This item is priceless. I absolutely love it.

Jim:Actually, how much would you give me for it?

Customer:I'm not interested.

Jim:What? No, wait—I mean, it's really valuable. You'd be lucky to get it.

Jim:Wait, 'in case'? In case of what?

Pam:I don't know, in case we ever need it.

Jim:In case we break up?

Pam:No! I just meant—

Jim:We're not breaking up, Pam. We're not breaking up.

Michael:Mr. Flax? Hi, this is Michael Scott from Dunder Mifflin. I'm calling about your daughter Holly. I'm afraid I have some very serious news. Holly no longer works here. She's been let go, effective immediately.

Holly's Father:What?!

Michael:I'm kidding! I'm kidding. She's been promoted to regional manager of the Nashua branch. Congratulations!

Michael:May I have your permission to say something?

Michael:This isn't a joke.

Kevin:Come on, Dwight, I got a great deal on this candle. Half-used, barely smells like cat pee anymore.

Dwight:Why would I buy a used candle?

Kevin:Because men don't want women to have nice things. A half-used candle makes other men jealous. They see you with it and think, 'That guy's got a woman who burned half a candle for him.' It's psychology.

Dwight:That's not psychology, that's insane.

Kevin:Is it though?

Creed:I was on Dallas as a child.

Phyllis:The TV show?

Creed:No, the city. I missed a flight and was stuck there for a week.

Jim:So I'm in the Bahamas, right? And this guy comes up to me, sells me these beans. Says they're magic beans, that they'll change my life.

Jim:I'm like, 'Okay, sure,' so I buy them. And then he leans in and goes, 'But be careful... he told me things about myself.'

Jim:I didn't even ask what things. I just... I just wanted to get out of there.

Dwight:Nice try. Terrible try.

Holly:Dad, Mom, I need to talk to you about something important. Michael called and he wants to propose.

Holly's mother:Oh Holly, that's wonderful!

Holly's father:You know, I was watching this documentary about India last night, and did you know they have over a billion people there?

Holly:Mom, who takes care of you?

Holly's mother:Well, you do, honey.

Holly:But who takes care of me?

Holly's mother:I do.

Holly:But who takes care of you?

Holly's mother:You do. Oh! Did you make coffee?

Michael:Ryan, I need your help with something really important. I'm planning this romantic fire message for Holly.

Ryan:Yeah, sure, whatever. I can help with that.

Michael:This could be a proposal, Ryan. This is huge for me.

Ryan:Okay. Cool. Just tell me what you need.

Pam:Well, Michael, I think the idea is... I mean, it's not a bad idea, it's just that maybe it could be... I don't know, a little less...

Michael:Less what? Say it.

Pam:Dangerous?

Michael:Dangerous? It's romantic! Women love fire. It's primal. It's passionate.

Pam:Michael, you can't send someone a message written in fire.

Michael:Why not? It's the most romantic thing ever.

Ryan:My mom makes this amazing pesto, right? And I was thinking, what if I just took her recipe and sold it at my temp job without telling her?

Ryan:I mean, she'd never find out, and I'd make a ton of money. It's genius.

Ryan:So I told my mom that Phyllis invented this pesto recipe and that we could make millions. She believed me because Phyllis has that whole mom thing going on.

Ryan:You know, the haircut, the way she dresses, the disappointment in her eyes. Phyllis is basically a mom. So when I said Phyllis created it, my mom was like, 'Well, if a mom made it, it must be good.'

Customer:Is this pesto kosher certified?

Ryan:Yeah, totally. Everything we do here is kosher.

Customer:No, I mean does it have kosher certification from a rabbi?

Ryan:Oh. Um... yeah, sure. It's very kosher. Very cool and acceptable.

Phyllis:That's really creative, Ryan.

Ryan:Yeah, well, I don't know. I think it's pretty good. I mean, look at this guy. He's like a poor man's James Franco. And not in a good way.

Dwight:I started with a paperclip. Traded it for a pen. Traded the pen for a stapler. Traded the stapler for a desk lamp. Traded the desk lamp for a chair. Traded the chair for a filing cabinet. Traded the filing cabinet for a coat rack. Traded the coat rack for a lamp. Traded the lamp for a mirror. Traded the mirror for a picture frame. Traded the picture frame for a desk organizer. Traded the desk organizer for a tape dispenser. And the culmination of it all is a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.

Jim:What do the beans do?

Dwight:I'm not falling for this.

Jim:No, seriously, what do they do?

Dwight:They're just beans, Jim.

Jim:Okay, fine. But when you find out what they do, don't come crying to me.

Michael:Okay everyone, thank you for coming. I called this meeting because... recycling. Yes. Recycling is very important.

Michael:We need to... recycle more. As a company. I'm pretty sure that's a thing.

Pam:If you are in costume, you did something wrong.

Michael:That's universal proposal wisdom.

Pam:Don't do anything too crazy with the proposal. Like, don't hire a flash mob or take her to the top of a building or anything.

Pam:Because if something goes wrong, you're gonna feel really stupid.

Kevin:Well now, I do declare, I'm gonna move my little piece right on down to Park Place, y'all.

Kevin:And I'm fixin' to buy me this here property with my Texas oil money, if you don't mind.

Kevin:That's just good business sense, partner.

Kevin:This card gives me $500!

Jim:Kevin, that's a Monopoly card.

Kevin:Oh. Well, $500 is $500.

Michael:You know, my mom will never admit she needs help. She'd rather fall down the stairs than ask me for anything.

Holly:My parents are the same way. They think asking for help is a sign of weakness.

Michael:Exactly. And then one day you get a call from the hospital, and you're like, 'Why didn't you just tell me?'

Holly:That's the sad truth. Parents will never admit they need help until it's too late.

Meredith:So I've got these gently used bras, real good condition, barely worn...

Customer:How much?

Meredith:Five bucks each, or three for twelve.

Customer:I'm in.

Michael:Easy enough to get a corpse.

Michael:A gas station? JIM. A gas station?! That's where you propose?

Jim:It was romantic, Michael. It was—

Michael:Romantic? Do you know what I did at a gas station? I once threw up in the men's room. Once. Okay, twice. But that's not the point!

Pam:Michael, it was actually really sweet—

Michael:Sweet? Pam, that's where people buy beef jerky and lottery tickets. That's not a memory. That's a cautionary tale.

Ryan:Yeah, I'm selling my Bowflex online. Already got three offers.

Ryan:I told them it was a movie prop. You know, used on set. That's why the price is so high.

Holly:My dad always said that when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Michael:Shh, shh, shh.

Holly:What?

Michael:I have something I want to say first.

Holly:Oh my God. I almost proposed to you at a Sandals Jamaica.

Michael:And?

Holly:And?! Michael, that's where people go to get drunk and have sex with people they don't know. That's not our story.

Michael:You know what? I'm just going to burn this place down.

Jim:Wait, that's not possible.

Kevin:How did you even do that?

Phyllis:I've never seen anything like it.

Jim:You just broke the game.

Jim:These magic beans are probably worthless.

Creed:Yeah, they're definitely worthless.

Jim:So you don't want them?

Creed:No, I want them.

Dwight:I have successfully traded my way up from a single paperclip to these magic beans. And I have come to realize that the magic beans... were the most valuable item all along.

Jim:So how much did we make at the garage sale?

Pam:Thirteen dollars.

Jim:Thirteen dollars? That's amazing!

Michael:This is a meaningful location.

Holly:Why is it meaningful?

Michael:It's where Toby announced he was leaving.

Michael:We made love in the office.

Holly:What?!

Michael:So Holly calls me, and she's all worried about this thing, right? And I'm thinking the worst.

Michael:She's like, 'Michael, I need to tell you something.' And I'm sweating bullets.

Michael:Turns out it was just an ingrown hair.

Michael:The relief I felt? I have never been so happy about an ingrown hair in my life.

Michael:And then I said, 'I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!' Like I was gonna attack her.

Holly:That's when I knew.

Michael:Okay, so what do you think of my proposal?

Jim:It's not a real proposal, Michael.

Michael:What do you mean? I spent all morning on this.

Pam:It doesn't have any actual business plan.

Michael:Well, what about the font? I used Comic Sans.

Ryan:That's the problem.

Dwight:The margins are inadequate for proper filing.

Stanley:I'm not reading it.

Michael:I'm going to spell out my proposal in the parking lot with my car.

Michael:Holly, marry me, will you?

Holly:What?

Michael:Propose to you, I want to. My wife, you be will?

Michael:Everyone, I have some great news. Jan and I are engaged!

Michael:I'm also leaving Dunder Mifflin to move to Colorado with her.