Michaels Last Dundies

To beginnings and endings. And to middles. The unsung heroes. And to moms. The moms of the troops.

Colorado? Yeah. Sunshine State. Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.

No, no. I don't want to end up like Sonny Bobo. Everyone I know who skis is dead.

You know, it's funny. I actually tried to get an animal Olympics going. Really? What happened? You know, life happened.

What are you gonna miss most about Scranton? Oh. Wow. The mountains, where things are.

I'm at the bar, the bar that's located in the lobby of the hotel. I do not see you. How long have you... I've been here about, gosh, over half an hour. Okay, yeah, me, too.

I hear your voice in the phone. And that's... Man! And... Oh, brother. Michael Scott. Deangelo Vickers. Wow. That is insane.

I have heard that it is impossible to become addicted to vodka. That is true. That is true. Vodka is non-addictive. Most of the higher spirits are undetectable. It's because of the potato.

Are her breasts different? No panties on this one. And I think the sail was folded differently.

You know what would be a great Onion headline? 'Cancer prevents cancer.' That's so Onion. I know! It's so you, but it's also so Onion.

Well, this is it. What do you think? She'll do. Oh, she'll do just fine.

We should write a movie or something. I'm serious.

Do not talk to me until I have had my coffee. Until I've had my coffee, do not talk to me.

Coffee keeps me regular. That's the best time of the day. I give it about seven minutes. Seven minutes from this. Beeline. So at 8:37...

Nope, it's not Ashton Kutcher. It's Kevin Malone. Equally handsome, equally smart.

The Adventure Pals by Deangelo Vickers and Michael Scott. Oh, my gosh, it's 150 pages long.

As you know, one of my favorite things is fanfare for its own sake.

You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah. I call them heaven.

I have a peanut allergy, something I live with. It's a part of me. I've learned to cope with it.

Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? Mmm... No. But life goes on. Not for me.

That story makes you sound stupid. I happen to like the hilarious high jinks that I get myself into.

I always carry around a couple of these. Just in case, 'cause, you know, sometimes you need to ID yourself.

Office funny guy. Always glad to have an office funny guy around. I wasn't even trying to make a joke.

This is Jim and Pam, a.k.a. Jap.

What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes. Well, it wasn't... It wasn't an affair. Yes, it was.

Oh, my gosh, well, we just have the one, but she poops for four.

Someone started off on a good foot with the new boss. Yeah, they don't ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies.

Meredith has shown me her breasts on three separate occasions.

Best right-hand man in the business, but you better buy a taser to keep him from wiping your butt.

I got these at the store. Apparently it's one of the most popular brands in the United States. Chips Ahoy!

Try to keep my daily caloric intake under 1,200. Deangelo, you're going to starve to death.

So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? Come on. I call middle.

'It's one of my favorite regions.' Did I just sound totally lame? Oh. I sounded good.

Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon is a forest as lush as you've ever seen. Burned. It's lush, dummy.

Hey, Deangelo, what do you think about bald people? I hate them.

There's no turtle, Michael. I just wanted to get you here. You know me very well, Dwight.

Now, I'm gonna have to go online and look at turtles or else I'm gonna be off the whole day.

I have been Robin to your Batman for 11 years, 11 glorious years, Michael. But at a certain point, Robin needs to become Batman. Batman scares me, Dwight.

I didn't know Dwight wanted to be manager.

And we turn back, and she has spelled out the word 'Ass' in the blocks. So we're laughing, she's grinning... It was so funny. Kids are a riot. They really do say the darndest things.

Try it without using your name. Dunder Mifflin. This is. Oh, yeah, I like it.

Well, you know, whatever... Yeah. Whatever you think would work. What do you... Yeah. I think a change would be nice. You could do the old way or the, you know... Whichever one you want to do.

Come on, you maggot. Bye-bye, calories. Don't stop, now. No one's stopping me.

Don't hug me. No! Get away, get away.

Well, the water's pretty cold. A lot of octopuses out there. Well, I've been taught by the best octopus hunter in the biz.

No, not officially. I saw you coming out of the bathroom earlier. Well, I guess I'm gonna go back to my cave.

And that is what they call a meet cute.

What do African Americans call the... What? I don't know. Help me.

I saw a hawk today. It was just sitting right there on the overpass, looking at me.

And this is Erin, and she's going to shave my face. Here we go. This is how we do it.

We sort of do more of like powwows and what-ups. God! Okay, well, powwows, then.

Enough about your baby, okay? I'm sorry. Well, we were just... I think she was just trying to... No, no, no, I know what you're doing. Just quit it.

I mark it urgent 'A,' urgent 'B,' urgent 'C,' urgent 'D.' Urgent 'A' is the most important, urgent 'D' you don't even really have to worry about.

I do think that there is a web of racism and/or jealousy that is trying to keep me down.

Deangelo's great. I love the guy. But I'm not sure he's a good fit for the office. And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy.

I saw this thing in the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don't. Right. I'm thinking, how crazy is it that we got a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock.

Now that's funny. That's funny. You walk much?

You know, let's not go overboard with the redecorating. And I'm still here, so...

Technically, it only holds about 3 quarts. A little factoid.

I think right now, I'm going to change this supermodel back into Kevin Malone. Oh! There he is. Oh, my God!

That's hot coffee. Drink some soap. Eat some hand soap.

I guess this is my life now.

Now you're a lame duck. Yeah, well, you're a retarded owl. And Deangelo is a fat cow.

This curly-haired idiot used to be so fat.

I didn't have 10 seconds a day. I was too busy eating.

Tapas is a cuisine for groups. Not with me. Tapas party of one.

Looks like you went over the tapas with food.

Keep in mind, I was naked.

Guess how much weight I lost. Two hundred and two pounds? 203. I beat it by one. I beat it by one.

If he can lose all that weight, then I can wear fake hair.

And thank me for bringing it up.

What recommendation? From when he recommended me to replace him. Um...

If you're gonna go whale watching on the East Coast, you might want to bring a magazine called West Coast Whales. Because you're not gonna see any.

I missed the O.J. verdict. Had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.

Listen, you're the one who decided to leave. Come on, he's our new boss. You know we have to do this. Okay. Well, who needs them? Looks like it's just you and me, Dwight. Correction. Just you.

Why did you have to be so damn good? I... I'm adequate.

Get your senioritis on. It's Lake Havasu time.

I guess I've been working so hard I forgot what it's like to be hardly working.

I'm telling you, that baby could be the star of a show called Babies I Don't Care About.