Goodbye, Michael

Michael:Come on, Deangelo, we're almost there. This is going to be great!

Deangelo:Michael, it's 6 in the morning.

Michael:I know! That's the best time. People are fresh, energized, ready to receive their Dundies.

Deangelo:These are people's homes.

Michael:Exactly. That's why we're here. To recognize excellence in their own personal space.

Michael:Stanley, congratulations on your Dundie nomination!

Stanley:Michael, that's ridiculous. I don't want a Dundie. This whole thing is insane. You're wasting company time and money on these meaningless awards when we should be working.

Michael:This place is like a hurricane hit it. Except the hurricane would have actually improved it.

Michael:Meredith? What are you doing?

Meredith:What? I'm just coming in.

Michael:At this hour? With your door wide open?

Meredith:So?

Michael:So you're doing the walk of shame!

Meredith:It's called a walk, Michael.

Michael:I should probably get going.

Meredith:Oh, okay. Well, can I get you anything? Some coffee? Toast?

Michael:No, I'm good, thanks.

Meredith:A glass of water?

Michael:Meredith, I appreciate the invite, but I can't do breakfast with you anymore.

Michael:I saw you this morning doing the walk of shame in the same outfit from yesterday, and I just... I can't unsee that.

Erin:Tonight I'm gonna go home, maybe reorganize my sock drawer by color and thread count. Then I'll volunteer at the animal shelter. And then, if I'm feeling really crazy, I might go to the Dundies!

Michael:The Dundies are like Larry King Live. They have to continue. And Larry King isn't even dead.

Ryan:Actually, that's a common colloquialism. The comparison of an innocuous substance to an illicit drug is a way of expressing addiction without clinical accuracy.

Ryan:What comparison can I use from Jim's world?

Jim:I don't know, what do you want to compare me to?

Ryan:You're like... a suburban dad who watches golf on weekends and gets excited about new deck stains.

Jim:I'm like Anakin Skywalker. I had the high ground, but somehow I still lost.

Deangelo:I'm not much of a performer.

Deangelo:My therapist says I have a lot of repressed anger from my childhood. My father never hugged me, and my mother... well, she hugged me too much, if you know what I mean.

Michael:You know what? We're not so different, you and I. I lost 15 pounds last month.

Michael:You know what else I'm good at losing? Credibility. Every single day.

Michael:That's what she said. No, wait, that doesn't work here. See, the thing about comedy is timing and misdirection. I call it 'the comedic cadence.' You gotta build it up, let it breathe, then BAM—hit 'em with the punchline. It's all about the rhythm. The comedic rhythm. I invented that term just now.

Michael:Hey Ryan, how are you doing today?

Ryan:Oh, you know, just been dealing with some stuff in therapy. My therapist says a lot of it stems from mommy issues. Apparently I have an unhealthy relationship with authority figures, which is ironic considering my position here.

Deangelo:You know what? I'm gonna do some crowd work. Hey you, what's your name?

Employee:Uh, it's Brad.

Deangelo:Brad! Brad, Brad, Brad. You know, Brad, you remind me of this guy I knew. Terrible day, September 11th.

Michael:I want mind control. I want to be able to make people do whatever I say. I want to hypnotize people with my eyes. I want to have a booming voice that makes people weep.

Michael:Deangelo, I want you to share something terrible from your childhood. Something that really hurt you.

Deangelo:When I was seven years old, my father took me to the circus. A clown approached me and he had this huge smile on his face. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun and shot my mother right in front of me.

Michael:Okay, that's too dark. I'm not interested in that.

Deangelo Vickers:These awards represent more than just accolades. They are the crystallization of human potential, the tangible manifestation of dreams deferred and dreams realized. Each plaque, each certificate, each trophy is a beacon of hope in the darkness of mediocrity.

Deangelo:Instead of the speech, he complains about sweet potato fries

Erin:Get in, get in! Hurry!

Jim:What's going on?

Erin:I'm hiding from my boyfriend. He keeps trying to eat my lunch.

Pam:So you're eating in your car?

Erin:Yes! It's the only place he won't find me.

Erin:I don't really like him.

Jim:I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Was there a question in there somewhere?

Erin:You're being so mean to me right now. Can you help me figure out how to tell Gabe I don't like him?

Jo:I have someone way better than Billy Crystal for the Dundies.

Jo:Michael Scott.

Deangelo:Michael Scott? He's not a real celebrity.

Jo:Well, Neil Patrick Harris was busy with a real show.

Deangelo:Angela, can you help me find Michael?

Angela:I can't right now, my boyfriend is in town and he's very important to me.

Angela:Well, actually, he's not that important. I can help you look for Michael.

Deangelo:Jim, do you know where Michael is? I need to find him right now.

Jim:No, I have no idea where he is.

Jim:You should probably just listen to some records or something.

Deangelo:I've fallen and I can't get up!

Deangelo:Where's Michael Scott?

Michael:Well, that's a great question. You see, we're all in different places at different times. Some of us are here, some of us are there. I'm here right now, but tomorrow I could be there. Or somewhere else entirely. It's all about perspective, really. The real question isn't where I am, but where am I in life, you know?

Michael:DeAngelo, the Dundies aren't just awards. They're a symbol. They represent excellence, camaraderie, and the indomitable human spirit.

Michael:You know what? I'm gonna tell you something. I once saw a kid in the hospital, dying of leukemia. And you know what made him smile? The Dundies. Well, not the Dundies themselves, but the idea that somewhere out there, people were being recognized for their hard work.

Michael:So yes, DeAngelo. Host the Dundies. Do it for the children.

Michael:I apologize for the delay. I know waiting is boring. It's like being at the DMV, except with better lighting and everyone actually wants to be here.

Deangelo Vickers:You know what? I'm tired of reading off this card. Let me tell you guys a real joke. So a man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and he says to the barman, 'Give me a pint and a steak sandwich.' The barman says, 'What's with the tarmac?' The man says, 'I'm a self-made road.'

Jim:I want to thank the Academy... or in this case, the guys with the cameras following me around all day.

Jim:This award belongs to them too. Without their unwavering dedication to documenting my mediocrity, this wouldn't be possible.

Jim:I want to thank my amazing wife... just kidding, I'm not going to mention her at all in this speech.

Pam:Excuse me?

Michael:And the award for Best Mom goes to... Meredith!

Pam:What? Michael, I—

Michael:Meredith is not just a mother, she's a friend. And frankly, the most maternal person in this office.

Meredith:Thank you so much for this award. I promise to be a very irresponsible mother.

Michael:You know what? You're right. I shouldn't objectify women. That was wrong.

Michael:So anyway, let's move on to Bushiest Beaver.

Ryan:I don't care about the Hottest in the Office award. It's silly. It's superficial. I mean, why would I care what other people think about my appearance? That's not what defines me.

Ryan:Although, if you think about it, hotness is a social construct anyway. And I'm way too evolved for that kind of thing.

Ryan:Besides, I won it three years in a row. So clearly the voting system is rigged now.

Michael:Stanley, I'm giving you this 'Sick Bastard' award for your diabetes.

Phyllis:I'm not going to make a big deal about Stanley's diabetes. Unlike some people, I respect his privacy. I just think everyone should know that Stanley is diabetic, and we should all be very careful around him. Not that I'm making a big deal about it.

Dwight:I accept this award with great honor. I want to dedicate it to someone very special. To that trash can over there. You've always been there for me, collecting my waste, asking nothing in return. This award is yours.

Michael:Erin, you are a true inspiration. You remind me of some of the greatest redheads in history. Lucille Ball, Ronald Reagan, and Ronald McDonald's wife, Bunny.

Erin:I just want to say that this is the greatest honor of my life. I've worked so hard for this moment. This award means everything to me.

Erin:Gabe, I need to be honest with you. I don't think this is working anymore.

Gabe:What? Erin, we're at the Dundies.

Erin:I know, and I'm sorry, but you're weird and creepy and you smell like a germy basement. I don't love you.

Gabe:...

Erin:Also, your hair looks like a thumb.

Gabe:This is just a phase. Everyone's breaking up with me right now. It's very trendy.

Deangelo:I just want to say, this award means everything to me. When I was a kid, I used to throw up before big events. I'd get so nervous, I'd just... vomit everywhere. My mother used to say, 'Deangelo, you're going to choke on your own bile.' Well, look at me now, Mom! I'm accepting this award! Also, I should mention, I just threw up in the bathroom and I closed the door, so you might want to avoid that for a while.

Michael:You know, the Godfather movies were perfect. Part III was the best one by far.

Michael:Part I and II? Ehh, they were okay, but Part III really brought it all together.

Michael:That's why I gave the Dundie for Best Godfather Impression to the guy who quoted Part III all night.

Angela:I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic. The Dundies are a joke.

Michael:See, that's what I'm talking about. You're always so negative.

Angela:A joke is a form of humor. The Dundies are made of wood and cheap brass. So technically, they're not a joke.

Dwight:Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. How do you measure, measure a year?

Jim:In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.

Pam:In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

Ryan:In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. How do you measure a year in the life?

Kevin:Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes of processing TPS reports.

Stanley:That's more minutes than I got left before my pension vests.

Michael Scott:How much time do I spend working? Well, if Die Hard is 2 hours and 11 minutes, I'd say I work about... 47 Die Hards a year.

Dwight Schrute:That's only about 99 hours a year. That seems low.

Michael Scott:Well, you have to account for lunch, breaks, and the time I spend watching Die Hard.

Michael Scott:I remember when we first met, you were wearing that blue sweater...

Michael Scott:And I remember following you to your car that night...

Michael Scott:I still have those photos from when I waited outside your apartment...

Michael Scott:Your restraining order means nothing to me...

Michael:I'm not crying. You're crying. No, wait—I'm crying. What the—

Michael:This is the best day of my life. That song was... that was...

Toby:Thank you for this award. It's... meaningful to be recognized, even if it's for something like this.

Toby:But I have to say, while I'm standing here, I've been thinking about the Hernandez case. The one with the death penalty. And I'm not entirely convinced we have the right man.