Costume Contest

Dwight:This costume is badass.

Jim:Whose is it?

Dwight:It's not even mine.

Dwight:I have exquisite taste in all things. I can tell the difference between a 1987 and 1988 Rolex at fifty paces.

Jim:Dwight, I replaced your stapler with a identical one.

Dwight:What? No you didn't.

Jim:I did. You've been using it all day.

Dwight:That's... that's preposterous.

Jim:So my question is, how much would I have to change before you'd notice? Like, what if I replaced you with a robot?

Dwight:I'd notice immediately.

Jim:Would you though?

Stanley:I don't care if we're in the middle of a nuclear explosion. At 5 PM, I leave. And nothing—not Michael, not Dwight, not a direct order from corporate—is going to stop me.

Michael:Stanley, wait! Where are you going?

Stanley:I'm leaving.

Michael:Stanley, come on. We're a family here. A work family.

Michael:I love you, man.

Stanley:...

Oscar:What are you supposed to be?

Kevin:I'm Michael Moore.

Oscar:Why?

Kevin:Because I look like him.

Erin:Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How can I help you? Oh, and happy Halloween! If you need to leave a message, press 1. If you're a ghost, press 2. If you're a werewolf, press 3. If you're just regular scary, press 4.

Unknown:So what are your Halloween plans?

Unknown:I don't know, maybe something low-key this year.

Unknown:Wait, is that a bomb?!

Unknown:MacGruber! We need MacGruber!

Unknown:*frantically cuts wires* Okay, okay, I got this. Just stay calm everyone!

Michael Scott:This is a $500 coupon book. You can save up to $500!

Dwight Schrute:That's not how coupons work.

Michael Scott:Yes it is. It says right here: up to $500.

Jim Halpert:Michael, you have to actually use the coupons to save money.

Michael Scott:I know that. But the potential is there. Up to $500.

Dwight:I am the Scranton Strangler. And let me tell you, I would be very effective. I have extensive knowledge of pressure points, I'm extremely disciplined, and I have access to industrial-grade materials.

Jim:Dwight, why are you explaining this?

Dwight:Because you asked how effective I'd be. I'm being thorough.

Creed:I have chickens. I'm not gonna lie to you, I don't know how many.

Dwight:Angela, you look like Olive Oyl, but not in a good way. My mother looked like Olive Oyl, and she was a beautiful woman. You look like Olive Oyl if she had given up on life.

Pam:We could be Mario and Luigi for Halloween!

Jim:Pam, no.

Pam:Come on, it would be so cute!

Jim:I'm not wearing overalls and a fake mustache.

Pam:You wore a tuxedo to the Dundies.

Jim:That was different. That was dignified.

Jim:I'm not really a costume guy. I never was, even as a kid. I was like the one six-year-old who was like, 'No, I'm not doing this.'

Michael Scott:Okay everyone, we need to talk about our sales policies. This is serious.

Michael Scott:There's a bomb. And the only way to defuse it is to listen to me read these new guidelines.

Jim Halpert:Wait, what? There's an actual bomb?

Michael Scott:No, no. It's a metaphorical bomb. But you need to pay attention like it's real.

Dwight Schrute:I can defuse a real bomb.

Michael Scott:That's great, Dwight. But right now we're doing this my way. MacGruber style.

Dwight:What's the difference between something eerie and the Erie Canal?

Jim:I don't know, what?

Dwight:One is a spooky feeling and the other is a waterway. The spelling is slightly different — eerie versus Erie. It's a homophone-based pun.

Gabe:I am asserting my authority as the head of this office.

Dwight:Did you say 'Gabe'? That sounds like the noise a baby makes when it's choking.

Jim:Gabe. Gabe. Gabe. It's like a sound effect for a broken door hinge.

Darryl:You know what? I'm about to go full Thundergun Express on you right now.

Michael:Darryl, come on—

Darryl:No, no, no. I've been working on my core. I've been doing Pilates. I am ready to throw down.

Oscar:Everyone's complete disinterest in facts

Danny:Yeah, I own a bar.

Other Character:What's it called?

Danny:The Local.

Dwight:It's a Freudian thing. She's attracted to the scent of her father.

Jim:Dwight, that doesn't even make sense.

Dwight:She's subconsciously looking for a paternal figure.

Pam:My dad smells like Old Spice and regret.

Jim:Wait, wait. There's no love triangle here.

Pam:Yeah, I'm married to Jim.

Jim:And Danny's our friend.

Pam:A friend who just happens to be attractive.

Jim:But that doesn't mean anything's going on.

Pam:Right. We're not in a TV show.

Michael:I have an elephant memory. I never forget anything.

Michael:Like, did you know that elephants are afraid of—wait, what was I saying?

Michael:Right, elephants. They can remember things for like... how long do they live? A hundred years?

Michael:Actually, I have no idea. I totally made that up.

Michael:Darryl, I want everyone to see how valuable you are to this company. You're the heart of Dunder Mifflin!

Darryl:Michael, I appreciate that, but you don't have to—

Michael:No, no, no. I'm putting you on a pedestal. Literally. Everyone gather around!

Darryl:Why is there a pedestal in the middle of the office?

Michael:Todd, you can't keep going around me on decisions. That's a direct violation of the chain of command.

Todd:But Michael, I thought you said to go around you on the budget cuts?

Michael:No, that was... that was different. That was horizontally around me, not vertically around me.

Todd:I'm not following.

Michael:Exactly.

Danny:Hey guys, I'm throwing a party this weekend. You should come!

Andy:Oh cool, man. What kind of party?

Danny:Well, it's kind of a celebration. My therapist says I'm finally dealing with my abandonment issues from my childhood, so I wanted to mark the occasion.

Kevin:Uh... that's... nice?

Danny:Yeah, and my ex-wife is gonna be there too. We're co-parenting now, which is great because it really forces me to confront my fear of intimacy.

Andy:Maybe keep some of that private, Danny.

Danny:Oh, and I should mention — I've been on antidepressants for six months, and I just switched to a new one, so I might be a little emotional.

Kevin:I'm suddenly very busy that weekend.

Michael:Why are you guys huddled in the corner whispering about me?

Kevin:We're not talking about you.

Gabe:We were just discussing how Kevin is so much taller than me.

Michael:Oh.

Michael:Kevin, why are you and Gabe always huddled together in the corner?

Kevin:We're not huddled. Gabe's helping me with my costume moves for the Halloween party.

Michael:Costume moves? What kind of costume moves?

Kevin:You know, like practicing my zombie walk. Gabe said I look too stiff.

Gabe:His posture is atrocious.

Michael:Oh. So you're just... helping him with his zombie walk.

Kevin:Yeah. Why, what did you think we were doing?

Michael:Nothing. I just thought maybe you were plotting against me or something.

Jim:So how many people have you dated?

Danny:I don't know, maybe like... five? Six?

Pam:You don't know?

Danny:They kind of blur together, you know? It wasn't a big deal.

Pam:Danny never called me back.

Danny:I've been really busy.

Pam:It's been three months.

Danny:Yeah, like I said. Busy.

Michael:I'm not childish. You're childish.

Oscar:I'm going as a man who works at a mid-size paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Oscar:It's a very specific costume.

Dwight:For Halloween, I'm playing 'Thriller' by Michael Jackson.

Jim:Dwight, that's the most obvious Halloween song choice ever.

Dwight:It's a classic. And I've perfected the zombie walk.

Pam:Yeah, we can tell.

Angela:I am not wearing this. It's completely inappropriate and far too revealing.

Dwight:Angela, you're a cat. It's a cat costume.

Angela:The neckline is indecent. I look like a common street walker.

Jim:Angela, it's literally just ears and whiskers.

Angela:Well, I won't do it. I'll forfeit the contest.

Pam:Angela, the prize is a $50 Visa gift card.

Angela:Oh. Where's my tail?

Pam:Is Darryl an asset to this office?

Jim:Okay, everyone put your fingers on.

Dwight:It's moving...

Ryan:A-S-S...

Kelly:Oh my God!

Pam:Wait, wait, wait... A-S-S-E-T. Asset!

Jim:The spirits have spoken.

Jim:Why didn't you call Pam back?

Danny:Oh, I see what this is. You want me to call her back so you can... you know.

Erin:I love Halloween! I'm going to bob for apples, and candy corn, and those little marshmallow things!

Danny:I didn't call because I didn't want to.

Pam:That's... that's it?

Danny:That's it. Brutal honesty.

Michael:I've done so much for you, Darryl. I've mentored you, I've supported you, I've believed in you when nobody else did.

Darryl:Michael, you hired me. That's literally your job.

Michael:But I did it with heart.

Darryl:You also sexually harassed me multiple times and I had to transfer to the warehouse to get away from you.

Michael:That was just me being friendly.

Darryl:You asked me if my pants were tight because of my 'big legs' or 'other reasons.'

Michael:I was complimenting your physique!

Michael:Okay, I've got it. We need to establish a clear chain of command.

Gabe:I agree. Perhaps a memo outlining—

Michael:No, no, no. Hats. Different colored hats for different levels.

Darryl:What?

Michael:Red hat means you're in charge. Blue hat means you take orders. Yellow hat means... you're a hat.

Gabe:That doesn't make any sense.

Michael:Exactly. That's why it'll work. Nobody will see it coming.

Darryl:I'm worried about my job security here. The company's been cutting costs.

Andy:Oh man, that reminds me of when I was at Cornell. We had budget cuts in the fraternity too. But you know what? We just worked harder, networked better, and I ended up becoming Vice President of the house. You just gotta have the right attitude and maybe go to an Ivy League school.

Jim:Hey, don't call her dorky. She's not dorky. I'm dorky. She's... she's cool.

Jim:I'm Detective Jim Halpert, and I'm here to solve the mystery of the missing donuts.

Pam:Well Detective, I'm Officer Pam Beesly, and I think I know who the culprit is.

Jim:Who could it be, Officer Beesly?

Pam:I'm looking right at him. You ate them all, didn't you?

Oscar:This contest is ridiculous. The prize is probably something worthless anyway.

Michael:And the winner is... Oscar!

Oscar:What did I win?

Michael:A Dundie Award!

Oscar:...I hate my life.