The Sting

Nonsensical logic comparing horses to self-pedaling bikes

Kevin:Lance Armstrong's seat? I'm gonna go sit on that.

Dwight:Lance Armstrong's bike is here somewhere in this office. It's a very rare and valuable item.

Jim:Wait, why do we have Lance Armstrong's bike?

Dwight:That's not important. What's important is that Sheryl Crow is coming to pick it up.

Jim:Oh no.

Dwight:What?

Jim:Dwight, Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow dated. This is going to be really awkward.

Dwight:So? That was years ago.

Michael:I know how to ride a bike. I've been riding bikes since I was a kid.

Dwight:Oh yeah? Prove it.

Michael:Fine. I'll show you right now.

Michael:Okay, so I only rode with training wheels.

Michael:I got this, I got this!

Michael:Whoa, whoa, WHOA!

Michael:No, no, no, NO!

Michael:I fell off my bike. I guess it's like... you never forget how to ride a bike. Except I just did.

Andy:Do I look okay?

Oscar:No.

Andy:What? Why not?

Oscar:Your hair looks like a dead animal. Your shirt is wrinkled. And is that a stain on your tie?

Andy:Oscar, come on.

Oscar:You asked.

Andy:Okay, so if I go in first, it looks like I'm leading. But if they go first, it looks like I'm following. So maybe we go in at the exact same time?

Andy:No, that's weird. That's like a synchronized swimming entrance.

Jim:Steve Nash is from South Africa.

Pam:No, he's from Canada.

Jim:Right, Canada. Which is basically the South Africa of North America.

Jim:Steve Nash is a two-time NBA MVP. He's one of the greatest point guards of all time.

Andy:Oh, Mr. Jock Hipster.

Andy:Mazel tov! Or as I like to call it... Mazel tough.

Andy:A climber fell 200 feet down a mountain and died.

Jim:Oh my God, that's terrible. Do they know who it was?

Andy:Yeah, Dan.

Jim:Dan? Our Dan?

Andy:Yeah.

Jim:Oh no! When did this happen?

Andy:Like, two years ago.

Andy:Oh my God, he's collaborating with someone on a milk awareness song? That's... that's actually genius. I mean, who doesn't need to be more aware of milk?

Andy:A milk awareness song. Of course he would do something that pretentious and ridiculous.

Jim:Wow, that was... really something. A song about milk. From a guy named Broccoli Rob. I have so many questions, and yet I don't want any of the answers.

Andy:Yeah, back in college, this guy and I were in the a cappella group together. We were rivals. And I've kept track—I've counted—I have done 47 solos. He's only done 43.

Andy:So technically, I won.

Dwight:Danny's a liar, he's lazy, he's got no work ethic...

Jim:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're talking about Danny the temp, right? Because I was gonna say you just described yourself.

Pam:I didn't break up with Danny. We just... fizzled.

Jim:Pam, you literally told him it was over.

Pam:Yeah, but that's not breaking up. That's just... stating a fact about the fizzle.

Jim:Wait, so you and Danny...?

Pam:Oh my God, Jim. It was high school. I was a completely different person.

Jim:Yeah, but did you...?

Pam:No! We just dated for like three months. It was nothing.

Jim:Three months is not nothing, Pam.

Pam:Jim, come on. That was ten years ago. You're being ridiculous.

Jim:I'm not being ridiculous. I just... I didn't know about this.

Pam:Because it doesn't matter! You're the one I'm with. You're the one I love. Why would I bring up every guy I dated in high school?

Jim:I don't know. I guess I just thought...

Pam:Thought what?

Jim:That you would've told me.

Pam:Well, now you know. And it changes absolutely nothing.

Dwight:You think you're tough? Let me tell you about the time I visited the world's most exclusive penis museum in Prague. Cost me fifty thousand dollars just to get in the door.

Dwight:They had a solid gold penis statue from the 14th century. I bought it. Paid in cash. The curator wept.

Dwight:On the way out, I arm-wrestled the security guard and won. He offered me his job, but I turned it down because I was too busy being intimidating.

Jim:Hey Dwight, it's Jim.

Dwight:Jim? How did you get this number? I'm in an extremely important meeting.

Jim:I called the office line. Pam transferred me.

Dwight:Pam wouldn't do that. You're lying. Who is this really?

Jim:Dwight, it's Jim. I'm calling from my desk.

Dwight:Prove it. What am I looking at right now?

Jim:You're looking at your beet farm spreadsheet.

Dwight:That could be anyone! I need more!

Jim:You're wearing that ridiculous yellow shirt.

Dwight:This is a German power suit! And how would you know that unless... wait. Are you in the building?

Jim:Just call Michael 'the big guns.' It'll get his attention.

Dwight:Michael! The big guns are here!

Jim:No, no, no. You're supposed to say it like... never mind.

Michael:I was reluctantly called back to sales. It was very hard for me to leave management.

Pam:You've been down here for like twenty minutes and you've already rearranged your desk twice.

Andy:I'm basically a detective. I can read people like books.

Kevin:That's cool, man.

Andy:For instance, I can tell you've been going to Weight Watchers.

Kevin:How could you possibly know that?

Andy:I can see it reflected in that window behind you.

Kevin:...That's just the Weight Watchers card in my wallet.

Andy:Kevin, I want you in my band. I'll pay you $500 a month.

Kevin:How about $200?

Andy:Kevin, that's less. I was offering you more money.

Kevin:Yeah, but I don't want it.

Michael:Hey, Danny! Great to see you, man. So, uh, how's the basketball league going?

Michael:Stanley, you need to show more enthusiasm around here. You're always so negative.

Stanley:Michael, I'm fine.

Michael:No, you're not fine. You're probably depressed. Is it your diabetes? Are you having a diabetes moment?

Stanley:I don't have diabetes.

Michael:Well, not with that attitude.

Michael:How do I combat Danny?

Phyllis:You could always just go back to your old ways.

Michael:What? No! Absolutely not.

Michael:You know, like in that movie... Ocean's Eleven? No wait, Ocean's... Twelve? Actually, it was Ocean's Eleven. That's the one where they pull off the big heist.

Jim:Yeah, Michael, Ocean's Eleven.

Michael:No, no, no. Ocean's Twelve. I'm thinking of Ocean's Twelve. That's the classic one.

Jim:It's Ocean's Eleven.

Michael:Jim, I've seen it. It's Ocean's Twelve. Why would you even argue with me about this?

Dwight:Van Helsing has a doctorate from the University of Amsterdam. His credentials are impeccable.

Jim:Dwight, he's a fictional character.

Dwight:Fictional or not, his academic record speaks for itself.

Kevin:This isn't real TV, right? This is just a fake office setup?

Andy:♪ I'm just a little boy, with a little toy gun ♪

Andy:♪ Mommy says that war is not fun ♪

Andy:♪ But I don't understand, why they're fighting in the sand ♪

Andy:♪ All I know is I miss my dear old man ♪

Dwight:You know, Danny, your attractiveness is like a tire fire. At first, people are drawn to it because it's unusual and compelling, but the longer they look, the more they realize it's just a disaster.

Jim:Look, I'm not saying Danny isn't... I mean, objectively speaking, he's not...

Jim:Fine. Fine! He's handsome, okay? He's very handsome. Are you happy?

Jim:It doesn't mean anything. He's just... conventionally attractive. It's not a big deal.

Jim:Wow, he's actually... he's selling to her.

Jim:Wait, she's buying from him? How is that even possible?

Oscar:That was terrible. Your rhyme scheme is lazy, your meter is inconsistent, and you clearly don't understand the geopolitical complexities of the issue you're singing about.

Oscar:That song is terrible.

Meredith:Hey, you need to mop up that mess in the break room, uh... señor janitor.

Meredith:Muy... muy... floor dirty. You make clean, sí?

Clark:I was the CEO of Google. Built it from the ground up with Larry Page and Sergey Brin.

Dwight:That's not true.

Clark:I know it's not true. But I'm telling you it is.

Meredith:Hey Danny, are you a Capricorn? Because you smell like one.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Code red! Code red! Everyone stay calm.

Michael:Jim, I need you to create a diversion by the water cooler. Dwight, you take the east corridor and cut him off at the break room.

Dwight:Already on it, sir. I've positioned myself strategically.

Michael:This is a by-the-book intervention. We are not losing Meredith on my watch. Not today.

Michael:So here's the plan. We get Dwight to think that Jim is trying to steal his desk, right? But actually, we're going to move his desk to a different floor, and then we'll tell him it was all a prank, but by that time we'll have already switched his stapler with a decoy stapler.

Danny:So you're moving his desk and replacing his stapler.

Michael:Exactly! See, you get it!

Danny:No, I don't get it.

Michael:So Danny, what's your secret? How do you close so many deals?

Danny:I don't know, I guess I'm just naturally good at sales.

Michael:Natural talent? That's it?

Kevin:He reminds me of Andy, except Danny's actually good at his job.

Michael:Okay, here's my question for you all. If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

Jim:I'd want to travel more.

Pam:I'd go back to art school.

Dwight:I would eliminate my enemies.

Stanley:Nothing. I'm happy with my life.

Kevin:I'm good.

Angela:Status quo is fine.

Oscar:I'm satisfied.

Michael:Everyone else? Nothing? Really?

Office:Nope. We're all good.

Andy:Kevin, what's something that everyone can relate to?

Kevin:Depression and laziness.

Andy:Can you make that into a song?

Kevin:I'm sad, I'm lazy, I don't want to do anything. I'm sad, I'm lazy, I don't want to do anything.

Kevin:I am me, you are you, we are we... wait, that's not how plurals work. If there's two me's, wouldn't that be... mes? No, that's Spanish. I am me, you are you, we are... us? See, English is confusing!

Dwight:Pam, you are not plain. You have a certain... understated quality. Like a beige wall. Functional. Dependable. Not offensive to look at.

Michael:So here's the thing. Danny's a convicted felon, right? But I hired him anyway. And you know why that makes me a great manager? Because I'm willing to take risks that other people won't take. That's leadership. That's vision. And when Danny inevitably does something illegal again and we have to let him go, I'll have learned something valuable about myself. I'll have grown as a person. So really, by hiring Danny, I'm not just giving him a second chance—I'm giving myself a second chance. We're both winning here.

Michael:Wait, we already have a traveling salesman?

Michael:Oh no. Oh God. Why did I hire Danny?

Andy:Hey everyone, I wrote a song about a frog. It goes like this: 'Bud Frog, Bud Frog, Bud Frog...'

Kevin:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Andy:No, no, wait. There's more. 'Bud Frog, Bud Frog, half man, half frog, Bud Frog!'