Tallahassee

Nellie:So if I wake up at 6 AM, shower takes 45 minutes, getting dressed takes 20 minutes, that puts me at 7:05. Breakfast, another 30 minutes, I'm out the door at 7:35.

Nellie:But what about Ryan? What's his morning routine?

Ryan:Well, I wake up, I do some ecstasy, and I'm ready to go.

Nellie:That's... that's only 10 minutes.

Ryan:I'm very efficient.

Unknown:I fell asleep reading a mattress tag.

Dwight:FACT: Bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

Jim:False. Black bear.

Dwight:That's debatable. There are two schools of thought—

Stanley:FACT: There is no 'pretzel day' emergency. I'm calling corporate.

Dwight:Stanley! There IS a pretzel day emergency! The pretzel cart broke down!

Stanley:What?!

Dwight:FACT: If Stanley doesn't get his pretzel by noon, we're all in danger.

Jim:I woke up this morning and I was so bored. I thought, you know what? I'm gonna do something to Dwight.

Dwight:What?! What did you do?

Jim:I put your stapler in Jell-O.

Dwight:FALSE. That's impossible.

Jim:Dwight looks like he just came from the Alcohol Club.

Andy:I love working with Pam. She's wonderful.

Andy:But I hate her.

Todd Packer:Hey, look at this souvenir. Perfect for my kid.

Store Clerk:That's nice. How old is your son?

Todd Packer:Well, that's the thing. I'm not actually sure he's mine. His mother and I had a complicated situation, and there's been some doubt about paternity. But I'm raising him anyway, you know? It's what a man does.

Store Clerk:Oh... I'm sorry to hear that.

Todd Packer:Yeah, but he loves Power. That show on Starz? The kid can't get enough of it. So I figured this souvenir would really make his day.

Store Clerk:Power is... isn't that an adult crime drama?

Todd Packer:Exactly. My kid's obsessed with it. Best parenting decision I ever made.

Dwight:You look like Twiggy.

Ryan:Is that a compliment?

Dwight:No. You're malnourished.

Andy:Nobody is showing any physical stress symptoms. Nobody has a rash, nobody's hair is falling out, nobody has digestive issues.

Stanley:Some of us might actually have diarrhea. We're just not talking about it.

Jim:Okay, so here's what I'm thinking for today's prank...

Dwight:Oh, I'm ready for you, Halpert. I've been preparing counter-measures all morning.

Jim:Really? Like what?

Dwight:Well, if you try to stapler my stapler, I've moved it. If you try to wrap my desk, I've greased it with vegetable oil. If you try to set my face on fire, I've doused myself in a non-flammable retardant.

Jim:...set your face on fire?

Dwight:It's a slippery slope, Jim. One minute you're wrapping a desk, the next you're committing arson.

Dwight:Stanley, you look terrible. What happened to you?

Stanley:I'm fine.

Dwight:No, you're not fine. You have the look of a man who was just kicked out of a nightclub for arson.

Stanley:What? No, I wasn't—

Dwight:It's okay. I'm not judging. I'm simply observing that you have committed arson at a nightclub.

Stanley:You know what your problem is, Jim? You don't know how to take a vacation. You're always thinking about work.

Jim:That's not true. I relax.

Stanley:No, you don't. A real vacation is when you completely disconnect. You go somewhere, you forget about this place, you forget about your problems.

Jim:I do that.

Stanley:No, you don't. You're sitting on a beach somewhere checking your BlackBerry. That's not a vacation, that's work with a tan.

Ryan:It's so quiet here. You know what? I've written 12 plays today.

Ryan:It's so quiet in here, you could hear a pin drop.

Ryan:Actually, a pin dropping would be pretty cool.

Ryan:I found it!

Ryan:Dink. Ow.

Andy:Pam, remember when you used to be the receptionist? Yeah, I need you to cover the phones for a bit.

Pam:Andy, I haven't done that job in years. I'm in sales now.

Andy:I know, I know, but you're so good at it. Come on, it'll just be for a couple hours.

Pam:No.

Andy:Pam, please? I'm really swamped here.

Pam:That's not my job anymore, Andy.

Stanley:I drive fast because I want to die.

Stanley:But I want to leave a sexy corpse.

Todd Packer:Hey there, big guy! What's up?

Michael Scott:Packer, we've talked about this. You can't just grab people like that.

Todd Packer:Oh come on, lighten up! You can't hurt me anyway. I'm too strong. Nobody can put me down.

Todd Packer:I'm like a cat. I always land on my feet. I have nine lives.

Todd Packer:You know what they say about cats landing on their feet... if you drop a cat with buttered toast on its back, which side lands first? Because the cat always lands on its feet, and the toast always lands butter side down. It's a paradox. It's unsolvable. But you know what solves it? My—

Nellie:I'm tired of people assuming that female leadership is somehow less effective. I have just as much authority as any man in this office.

Nellie:In fact, I have a metaphorical penis, and I want everyone to look at it.

Nellie:No, seriously. Look at it. It's right here. It's huge.

Nellie:When I didn't get the manager job, I went into a bit of a destructive shopping spiral. I bought 47 pianos.

Dwight:47 pianos?

Nellie:I wasn't thinking clearly.

Dwight:What's the antidote? Jim, what's the antidote?

Jim:The antidote was inside you all along.

Jim:Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

Jim:I'm gonna have that in my head all day.

Dwight:I've been experiencing stomach pain. I suspect it's appendicitis.

Jim:Have you tried eating bacon?

Dwight:Bacon? What does that have to do with appendicitis?

Jim:I read that bacon prevents appendicitis.

Dwight:That's completely illogical. There's no scientific basis for that whatsoever.

Emergency Operator:Where do you want me to send the ambulance?

Dwight:I don't know, use your training! Send it to... Schrute Farms. We have beet-based medical supplies.

Dwight:I am an expert in hunting and fishing. I'm a master baiter.

Jim:Did you just say master baiter?

Dwight:Yes. Master baiter. It's someone who is skilled at preparing bait for fishing. I have been master baiting since I was eight years old.

Jim:Okay.

Dwight:False. I started at seven.

Stanley:I'm a pirate.

Stanley:Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Stanley:Well, I don't have a bottle of rum, so... yo ho ho and a bottle of vodka.

Jim:You know, Stanley takes like three weeks off a year and he just... doesn't care. He doesn't check his email, he doesn't think about work. And I realized... I'm not capable of that. I'm not capable of not caring that much.

Todd Packer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not on the Packer!

Dwight:I have appendicitis.

Jim:Wait, you called that? I called that two days ago!

Jim:Yes! *makes basketball shooting motion* Nothing but net!

Dwight:If you're watching this, it means I'm dead. Mose, you come from a good family. You have a strong work ethic. But when it comes to Schrute Farms, there can only be one leader. So I need you to kill me.

Mose:What?

Dwight:I'm joking. Kill yourself.

Kevin:Look at me, I'm a giant! These mini pizzas make me look huge!

Andy:I'm very good at reception work. I'm organized, I'm efficient, and I have a real knack for making people feel welcome.

Andy:Plus, I'm a trained actor, so I can really nail the hospitality vibe.

Andy:The only downside is that nobody here appreciates how hard I work. They just don't get it.

Erin:I'm just saying, if you wear your name tag on your left side, people read it while they're shaking your hand, which is weird because they're looking down at your chest. But if you wear it on your right side, they have to crane their neck to read it after you've already let go, which is also weird because now you're basically forcing them to stare at your chest from afar. So really, the only option is to wear it on your back so people can read it as you're walking away, but then you have to keep turning around to see if they read it, which defeats the whole purpose of having a name tag in the first place.

Jim:You need more recovery time.

Dwight:I don't need recovery time. I'm a machine.

Jim:Okay, let's do jumping jacks then.

Dwight:Fine. You first.

Dwight:You know what? All of you are like the people who said Seabiscuit would never amount to anything. And you know what happened to them?

Jim:They were right?

Dwight:No. They were destroyed. Seabiscuit destroyed them.

Dwight:Consumers are idiots. They'll buy anything if you market it right.

Dwight:But the consumer is also very intelligent. They can smell a phony from a mile away.

Jim:Super smart.

Dwight:Women are biologically programmed to shop. It's an evolutionary thing. They needed to gather, and men needed to hunt. So women developed this sixth sense for finding deals and organizing purchases by color and size. It's science.

Andy:♪ It's time to deliver the mail, mail, mail! ♪

Andy:♪ Watch as I sail, sail, sail! ♪

Andy:♪ Through the office without fail, fail, fail! ♪

Andy:♪ Letters and packages galore, galore, galore! ♪

Andy:♪ Straight to your door, door, door! ♪

Andy:♪ This job is really quite the score! ♪

Dwight:Retail fundamentals? The key is to establish dominance. You must assert your alpha position within the store hierarchy, eliminate weak competitors, and if necessary, kill the royalty.

Dwight:I have achieved my goals through willpower and determination. For example, Hugh Grant's brother is a very close personal friend of mine.

Jim:Hugh Grant doesn't have a brother.

Dwight:Not anymore, he doesn't.

Jim:Dude, you're bleeding through your shirt.

Dwight:Oops. I guess I let the cat out of the bag.

Kevin:When I was a kid, I had this huge crush on this girl. She was ugly. Like, a real dog. But I didn't care because I loved her. That's what Andy needs to understand about this reception job. It's ugly. It's a dog. But if you love it, it doesn't matter.

Dwight:I don't need to heal properly. I kick ass.

Todd Packer:That incision looks like a Naugahyde couch that's been sitting in the sun for twenty years.

Caller:Hi, is Erin there?

Erin:This is Erin.

Caller:Oh hi Erin! It's so great to hear your voice. You've always been one of my favorite people.

Erin:Who is this?

Caller:It's your Uncle Pete. I just wanted to call and tell you that I love you and I'm very proud of you.

Famous Amos:You know, life is like a cookie. It's sweet, it's delicious, and—

Ryan:Are those Famous Amos cookies?

Famous Amos:Well, yes, but if you'd let me finish my metaphor—

Nellie:Can we just have some?

Famous Amos:The point I'm trying to make is that each cookie represents—

Ryan:Yeah, yeah, we get it. Life, cookies, very inspiring. Hand them over.

Ryan:What if you made cookies shaped like tiny briefcases? You know, for business professionals on the go?

Famous Amos:No.