Nellie Bertram

giving everyone 20 minutes to shower, plus 50 for Jim to style his hair, 20 for breakfast, 40 for Erin to get post between her room and the lobby, 90 for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy

Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful huge whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint But my huge whopping penis is right here and I'm not afraid to use it So stop looking at my breasts and start looking at my penis

I went on a shopping spree Very destructive, I bought 1/ pianos

What's under the cloth? We'll get to that Cookies. I bet you anything it's cookies It's cookies Let me finish my speech first Oh, we get the gist It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just don't be coy. Make with the cookies

- Blow in my ear. - All right. Like I'm on the beach. - [Blows] - Oh. [Imitates seagull calls] Seagull. [Cawing] And-- and a wave crashing.

Impressive. Oh, please, anyone can tie a knot. The real skill is in untying it. Mm...

Seven, one, one, nine... No, no, no. Not numbers, no. Try again. Ugh, I'm still getting numbers. Seven, one, one-- Is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven, one, one?

Look, the light went off. Just as I said the light went on.

I was born in the little working class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit?

What's lower than dirt? Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core. - Yeah, thank you. - Loam. Bloody loam, I came from.

When I auditioned for the Spice Girls, I didn't even get a callback. Which Spice Girl? The black one. I never stood a chance.

Your little man is unraveling. Now, go and fix it.

You are gonna bloody ruin it. You're gonna bloody ruin it because you're a no-good half-ass cockeyed...

We could have integrated more Chuck into the presentation. Dwight. You're the Vice President.

What brings you to town? Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine.

I have one simple philosophy in business: If the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car.

The three slowest laps ever recorded.

Because it is 10:00, I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.

I think it's a cross between 'Dumbo' and 'Jumbo'. With a hint of 'chubby.'

The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?

You are our Atlas, and for that, do you not think you deserve a raise?

Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau.

I'm Tinkerbell. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.

I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard... And most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet... I walked right into a job for which I was ill prepared, ill seated, and somebody else already had and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there, anything can happen to anyone. It's just random.

Nellie's elaborate snooze button story with sound effects

Are there a lot of Irish people living around here? Yes. Yes. Ugh! I hate that! No offense.

Ay, caramba! The natives are getting restless!

Keep that stuff on the basketball court. Or the squash court, or the supreme court.

Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices.

I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in england. I really should have a tweeter account.

That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry. Why not call... Shh!

What kind of fool gets her heart broken by a bloody stage magician?

No. Obviously, we'll figure out the, uh, logistics of moving all of this stuff out of here. But... You know, the sooner the better. Get back to normalcy. Hmm, no.

Oh, Bobby, get accustomed to it, because then it feels good when they finally say yes.

I'm going to dock your pay $100. Okay. Five... four... You can't dock my pay. Angela! Dock Andy's pay $100! On it! Great!

$10,000. 5...4... You're just saying numbers. It's meaningless. It's literally like... 3... 2... One.

Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, so congratulations on that. What do you mean? Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all.

I just wanted to take the man's job, not his manhood.

Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is impotence. Which is important in its own way.

'Take a man's job, but leave him his balls.' Margaret Thatcher said that... probably. Don't know. Don't read. Didn't see the movie.

Small, bigger, biggest. Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional. Shut up!

Tracks of My Tears and what else? What are some more? What's one more?

Everybody told me if I moved to America I'd be murdered.

I've never eaten a taco. I'm not entirely sure what they are. As long as they're not slimy, and please, God, don't let them have eyes.

Nellie trying to eat tacos visual gag

Now, I don't like to throw around the 'B' word. But I'm going to be a huge bitch to you.

Oh! Swish. It was nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are.

There are two things that I am passionate about, recycling and revenge.

Andy has shot down all of my special projects thus far, but this one is about charity so I'd like to see him piss on that one.

You support the Taliban abroad, so I assume you're willing to live by their rules here.

This is a lovely pen, and it's mine now, because I stole it.

That means you're not serious, or someone's getting their hand cut off.

I suggest you spend some quality time together, just you and your hand, tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the two-hand activities that you'll miss the most.

Well, he's a genius, you know? He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia and NYU all at the same time. Whoop-de-doo. That doesn't make you a genius.

You're the stupid one. Like you. You, you, you, you, you...

Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding. No, I'm just practicing my lying.

My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying, none of the sexual charisma.

You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?

Hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall.

She never loved you. / I am gonna find you someone better, and rich. And Filipino. But we'll break that to her later.

I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong.

children of the world coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. But not in a child labor-y way.

he looks like he's laboring over a stool, having just eaten human flesh.

Andy has just started to be nice to me and now I've sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man! And I cc'ed him on every incriminating memo. 'Pete and Erin, don't hold back. Our social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously.' I did everything but unzip their pants for them.

Most relationships eventually die on their own. But sometimes they just need a little pillow over the face.

I believe in you, I believe in your art, and I am bored.

All right, then, no bottoms. Uh... We should ask you to do big rounded W's. Yes, or nippleless breasts, perhaps.

Or melons, like cantaloupes, with, like, the halves are cut off and then just the bottom parts...

The first 'sorry' sounded sincere. There were two or three sorrys in there. So it's a lot.

Go all Hammurabi on this clown.

Nellie's Scranton Strangler advice: 'Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes.'

Toby's strangling aftermath and Nellie's commentary about 'the proud neck of justice'

Not one of us remembers you saying anything about $2,000. I forgot. I completely forgot.

But my new studio apartment is just fine for me and Phillip and Tinkie and Crinklepuss and Bandit Two and Pawlick Baggins and Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens.

I'd be one of those gold-digging tramps you read about that try to bag a farmer.