Test The Store

Dwight:I am Dwight Truth, Assistant Regional Manager.

Dwight:I need you to hold me up while I rappel down the side of this building.

Jim:Why would I do that?

Dwight:Because your tiny fingers make the best knots.

Jim:That's not how knots work.

Dwight:False. Tiny fingers, better knots. It's science.

Erin:Hi, I'm Tabitha. I've been camping out here since Tuesday to get the limited edition artisanal kombucha starter kit.

Erin:Actually, it's me, Erin. I just wanted to see what it was like to be a hipster for a few days.

Nellebringer:I came from very humble beginnings, you know. My family was working class.

Nellie:Oi, me mum used to say, 'Nellie, you gotta work 'ard if ya wanna get anywhere in this world, innit?' *adopts exaggerated Cockney accent* We didn't 'ave much, just a modest six-bedroom estate and the family jet on weekends.

Nellie:What is lower than dirt?

Dwight:Silt, clay, loam, bedrock...

Nellie:Loam! LOAM!

Nellie:I auditioned for the Spice Girls. I wanted to be the black one.

Unknown:You're not black.

Nelley:I know that now.

Dwight:Bloggers. They're usually inadequate people seeking notoriety and validation. They have no credentials, no sources, no accountability. They write under pseudonyms. They are vandals and they should be shot on sight. You're gonna love 'em.

Ryan:I'm gonna knock this presentation out of the park. I'm gonna absolutely crush it.

Ryan:I'm gonna make love to this PowerPoint.

Unknown:Ew.

Dwight:Packer, you'll be our sexual predator.

Packer:What?

Dwight:It's a key position. Very important for the grand opening.

Packer:Well, you know, I'm a team player. If corporate needs me to play a sexual predator, I'm gonna give it 110%. That's what separates the good employees from the great ones.

Packer:Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna be a sexual predator. That'll freak Dwight out so bad, he won't know what hit him.

Packer:Hey Dwight, you look real cute today. How about you and me go to the back office and... lock the door?

Dwight:I want to create an environment where people feel like ET is flying out of their chest, and Skittles are pouring out of the screen.

Dwight:Goose pimples are a natural response to cold or fear.

Jim:So you're saying the bloggers give you goose pimples?

Dwight:No, I'm talking about actual pimples. Gross bloggers with actual pimples.

Employee:Andy, you're not gonna believe what just happened!

Andy:Yeah, yeah, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Not really interested.

Andy:Wait, what happened?

Meredith:Wait, Andy has a black guy?

Dwight:A black eye, Meredith.

Meredith:Oh. That's less exciting.

Jim:Just tell us the story!

Dwight:You have to wait. Life is like a computer buffering.

Jim:So I'm walking down the street, and these guys start following me. I'm getting nervous, my heart's pounding. They're getting closer and closer. Finally one of them says, 'Hey man, we just want to talk.' So I turn around, and it's Dwight, Ryan, and Kevin. They wanted to know if I wanted to go to Chili's.

Jim:So there I was, outnumbered five to one. I looked at them, cracked my neck, and I knew what I had to do.

Jim:I turned to run away as fast as I could.

Jim:So there I was, outnumbered, but I stood my ground. And you know what? Everyone walked away that day with a newfound respect for me.

Jim:Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure everyone would fight a gang.

Cathy:Oh, a blogger? How... interesting. You know, I've heard bloggers can be very distracting. I try to avoid them at all costs.

Blogger:Distracting? I just write about my daily life.

Cathy:Exactly. That's what makes you so dangerous.

Ryan:I'm so excited, Zoy-ee Duh-shane-ul is going to be at Coah-chell-uh this year!

Andy:No, no, no, don't call the police! Please, I'm begging you. We can work this out ourselves.

Andy:Look, whatever happened, we don't need to involve law enforcement. That's just going to make things so much worse.

Andy:Come on, just give me a chance here. I can fix this. I promise.

Andy:I'm very proud of my neighborhood. It's a great place to live.

Dwight:Actually, your zip code is 18503, not 18-503. The hyphen goes after the fifth digit.

Andy:...I know how zip codes work, Dwight.

Andy:Toby, you're gonna teach everyone self-defense.

Toby:Really? You remembered I know self-defense?

Andy:Yeah, of course.

Toby:Oh. Well, that's... that's great. Thank you for remembering that about me.

Toby:Alright everyone, today we're going to learn some basic self-defense techniques.

Toby:I've prepared a 47-slide PowerPoint presentation, a binder with laminated instruction cards, and I've brought in a professional stunt coordinator.

Andy:Toby, this is just... how to get out of a headlock.

Toby:I'm aware, which is why I've also arranged for liability waivers, medical personnel on standby, and I've contacted the state athletic commission.

Dwight:Well, that's what I would do if I wanted the campaign to fail spectacularly. Which apparently, is what we're doing.

Michael:Andy, we need to talk about your black eye. What really happened?

Andy:I got in a fight.

Dwight:With who?

Andy:A gang.

Michael:A gang? Andy, that's terrible! How many were there?

Andy:One.

Jim:One person gang?

Andy:It was a fifth grade girl.

Blogger:You should check out my Daily Fail blog.

Jim:Daily Fail? Oh man, that's... that's not good.

Dwight:What is a 'Daily Fail'? Is it a newspaper?

Jim:No, Dwight, it's a website. A gossip website. With embarrassing photos and stories.

Dwight:I don't understand. Why would anyone willingly post their failures online?

Dwight:The blog is not a fail. A fail is when something is good, but it's bad. This blog is bad, but it's good.

Dwight:I've been reading up on internet culture. The fail videos, they're ironic. People watch them to laugh at the failure, which makes it a success.

Dwight:In fact, I'm pretty sure this blog is what the kids call 'going viral.' That's a good thing. It means people are sharing it. It's like a plague, but for the internet.

Dwight:This is how you do a phone demonstration. Hello honey, it's me, Jim Halpert, calling you on this magnificent device.

Dwight:I'm calling to tell you that I love you and that I've closed the biggest deal of my career using superior sales techniques and unwavering dedication to excellence.

Dwight:Also, I'm stopping by Schrute Farms on the way home. We're having beets for dinner.

Dwight:You have lost Chuck privileges. And you will surrender your Tripack.

Dwight:Point it toward the store!

Dwight:Well, welcome to the store. I assume you're confused about where you are?

Dwight:Have you considered taking up activities with your great-great-grandchildren instead? Shuffleboard is popular with the elderly.

Michael Scott:You know what? We need to think of our elderly customers like vampires. They come in, they suck the life out of our store, and we need to find ways to get them to leave before sunset.

Dwight Schrute:Actually, vampires are killed by sunlight, so your metaphor is backwards.

Michael Scott:No, Dwight, YOU'RE backwards. The point is they're old and we don't want them here.

Toby:Alright everyone, today we're going to learn some basic self-defense techniques. First, if someone approaches you aggressively, you want to establish dominance by making yourself appear larger.

Toby:You spread your legs shoulder-width apart, put your hands up like this, and you stare directly into their eyes without blinking.

Toby:Now, if they continue to advance, you execute a swift palm strike to the solar plexus. But you have to commit to it. You have to MEAN it.

Toby:Finally, if all else fails, you drop to the ground and assume the fetal position while screaming for help.

Toby:I may have pulled a muscle.

Michael:You think that's bad? You broke my wrist!

Toby:It's a simple acronym: G.R.O.I.N. Go for the eyes, Rip out the throat, Stomp on the instep, Injure the knee, and Nuts.

Michael:So... you're saying go for the groin?

Andy:So you're trained in self-defense moves that specifically target the groin?

Toby:Yes, it's one of the most effective vulnerable points on an attacker.

Andy:But what if the attacker doesn't have a groin? Like, what if it's a ghost, or a blob, or some kind of sentient pudding?

Toby:Those are... not realistic scenarios.

Andy:Not with that attitude.

Andy:I'm obsessed with these very specific scenarios where nothing goes wrong and everything works out perfectly.

Toby:That's... that's not really how life works, Andy.

Andy:If I were to be attacked by a baby, I would fight back. If I were to be attacked by a fifth-grade girl, I would also fight back. And that's exactly what happened.

Andy:How can the attacker protect himself?

Toby:That's a very suspicious question.

Toby:I'm not interested in the victim. I'm interested in the perpetrator. That's where the real psychology is.

Michael:That's exactly what the villain in my novel would say. His name is Rage Kaliburn.

Toby:That's a terrible name.

Dwight:Where are you going? We're not done.

Person:I have to leave.

Dwight:Why? You're not prepared. You need to know how to defend yourself.

Person:I have a rape whistle.

Dwight:A rape whistle? That's not going to help you. You need to know martial arts.

Person:I have a rape flute.

Dwight:I'd like to introduce you to Pat Gross.

Patty:It's Patty Grossman, actually.

Ryan:Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine. I've only had three weeks to prepare and I spent two of them in jail.

Ryan:Can someone please just tell me I'm going to be okay?

Ryan:Come on, Dwight. You gotta give me some encouragement here.

Dwight:You want encouragement? Okay. I believe in you, Ryan. I believe that you will do something today. And I believe that the consequences of that something will be significant.

Dwight:You need to believe in yourself. I believe in you.

Dwight:Actually, you know what? I'm going to need Kelly's help with this. She understands psychology.

Kelly:You're so talented, Ryan. You're like the Leonardo DiCaprio of Dunder Mifflin.

Ryan:Really?

Kelly:No, not at all. You're actually a terrible person and everyone hates you.

Erin:You should read books, Ryan. They're really good.

Ryan:I don't have time to read books. I'm too busy being a temp.

Erin:Well, what about audiobooks?

Ryan:Those aren't real books, Erin. Those are just words someone read out loud.

Michael:Ryan, you can do anything you set your mind to.

Ryan:Thanks, Michael.

Michael:No, I'm your mother now. You can do anything you set your mind to, sweetie.

Ryan:Fix? Did you say 'fix'? What needs to be fixed? Is it me? Oh God, it's me, isn't it? I knew it. I'm unfixable. I'm going to get fired. I'm going to lose everything. My apartment, my car, my carefully curated LinkedIn profile...

Ryan:I need a drink. I need it to be ice cold, but not so cold that it hurts my teeth. I need it to be a color that doesn't exist in nature. And it needs to make me feel like I'm better than everyone else in this room.

Jim:Ryan, what do you want to drink?

Ryan:I'll have a sparkling water with a twist of lemon.

Jim:Of course you will.

Toby:You know, I've been taking a self-defense class. The instructor says if someone ever attacks you, you should go for the eyes, the groin, or the throat.

Toby:I told him, 'What if they're coming at me with a knife?' He said, 'Then you're probably going to die.'

Parent:I'm looking for the person who fought my daughter.

Andy:Oh no, that was me. But it was an accident!

Girl:Yeah, that's him. That's the guy I hit.

Girl:Points to Phyllis

Phyllis:I just had a baby.

Erin:I'm sorry, Andy. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Erin:It's just that you're so easy to make fun of, and Phyllis kept egging me on, and honestly, you both deserve it.

Toby:You know, Andy, I've been through a lot. My ex-wife used to hit me with a rolling pin. But I learned that sometimes you just have to accept that people express their love in different ways.

Andy:That's... that's not love, Toby. That's abuse.

Toby:Well, semantics.

Andy:No, it's not semantics!

Dwight:What kind of weapon was used?

Andy:The weapon was a children's candy ring.

Ryan:Hey Uncle, it's Ryan. Yeah, I need to talk to you about something. Can you hook me up with some prescription pills?

Uncle:Ryan, I can't do that. That's illegal.

Ryan:Oh come on, you did it for Kevin last month!

Uncle:That was different.

Ryan:How is that different? You're showing favoritism! Mom always said you liked Kevin better anyway.

Uncle:This isn't about favoritism, it's about the law.

Ryan:So you're admitting you like him better!

Dwight:Ryan, Ryan, you need to calm down. Take a deep breath.

Ryan:Calm down?! CALM DOWN?! You don't understand what's happening here, Dwight. This is a disaster. A complete and utter disaster!

Dwight:I am the Assistant Regional Manager. I have handled worse situations than this.

Ryan:Oh please! You couldn't manage your way out of a paper bag, and frankly, you're making this worse! Michael's a joke, you're a joke, and I'm stuck here with you people!

Nellie:He's having a breakdown. Someone get him a sedative.

Ryan:You should really just forget about Andy and move on.

Erin:What? Why would I do that?

Ryan:He's not worth your time. Just forget about him.

Erin:But he's my husband.

Ryan:I know, I know. Just forget about him like you forgot about your dead husband.

Ryan:I'm not in the bathroom. I'm at my mom's house. She's making me chicken nuggets.

Nellie:No, no, no! Jim cannot do this presentation! He'll ruin everything!

Nellie:That numpty's gonna mess it all up, the stupid git! He's a complete muppet, he is!

Jim:I can't do the presentation today.

Michael:Why not?

Jim:I'm not feeling well. Look at my face — it's pale, gaunt, like death itself has already claimed half my soul.

Dwight:Jim, please. I'm begging you. This presentation means everything to me. My entire career depends on this.

Jim:Dwight, you're going to do great.

Dwight:You really think so?

Jim:No.

Jim:Yeah, nothing says 'prepared' like finding out five minutes before you go on that you're supposed to present the quarterly reports.

Jim:I love how Michael does that. It's like he thinks spontaneity is a management technique.

Dwight:You need to wear eyeliner for this presentation.

Jim:What? No, I don't.

Dwight:Yes, you do. It makes you look more tech-savvy. More Silicon Valley.

Jim:Dwight, that's not a thing.

Dwight:It is a thing. Steve Jobs wore eyeliner.

Jim:No, he didn't.

Dwight:Figuratively, he did.

Jim:So, uh, we're here today to talk about breaking boundaries and, you know, disrupting the space.

Jim:We're not just thinking outside the box. We're, we're reimagining what the box even means.

Jim:We're synergizing our core competencies to leverage actionable insights and drive paradigm shifts.

Jim:So the claim is that pyramids can fit all shapes inside them. Obviously false.

Jim:So as you can see, the Stapler 3000 has a revolutionary new design. But honestly, that's not what I want to talk about today. I need to tell you all something. I've been carrying this weight for a long time, and I can't do it anymore. I'm in love with someone in this office, and I think about them every single day.

Jim:I was at Disney World, and I just... I couldn't help it. The magic just got to me, you know?

Jim:I was crying. Not because I was sad, but because I was experiencing the raw, unfiltered essence of human emotion in its purest form.

Jim:It was like Cinderella's castle was speaking directly to my soul, asking me the fundamental questions about existence itself.

Jim:Range from obscure TV show to bad movie sequel

Jim:What? No, no, no... the projector just died. Of course it did.

Dwight:I told you we should've used my presentation system.

Jim:Your presentation system is a laminated poster, Dwight.

Jim:And that's why the Dunmore High School mascot is the Fightin' Fury. Thank you.

Andy:If you're ever attacked by a small person, here's what you do. You pick them up, you put them in a tub of electricity.

Andy:Well, electricity and water don't mix, so I told him to take a bath in the dark.

Toby:That's not really how electricity works. And also, how would he see to bathe in the dark?

Andy:Okay, so we need to identify the specific threat we're defending against.

Kelly:I can help with that. I've been bullied before.

Andy:Really? When?

Kelly:In middle school, high school, and basically every day of my life.

Kelly:You know what? I'm gonna bully you now because you're weird and nobody likes you.

Toby:Kelly, that's not appropriate workplace behavior. As HR, I have to document this interaction—

Kelly:Oh my God, shut up. Nobody cares what you have to say.

Toby:I'm just trying to maintain professional standards here...

Kelly:You're going down, Toby!

Toby:As you can see, the proper self-defense technique is to remain calm and—ow!—maintain eye contact with your attacker while—get off me!—systematically working through the prescribed defensive moves.

Andy:No, no, no! My other eye!

Andy:Look, I didn't lose. I strategically retreated. It's what great military leaders do. Sun Tzu wrote about it. So really, I'm like Sun Tzu.

Andy:You know what? I'm not going to call it a 'layoff.' I'm going to call it a 'Dramatic Challenge.' It sounds like a war memorial.

Andy:So today was rough. I'm dealing with it by journaling my feelings, which is healthy. Then I moved on to stress eating, which is fine. Then I called my mom, also fine. Then I started naming the stains on my shirt after people I don't like. And now I'm just sitting in my car in the parking lot hoping someone will recognize me from a commercial I did in 2003.

Jim:Look, I know the presentation had some issues. The formatting was off, and honestly, I probably could have spent more time on it.

Nellie:It was terrible, Jim. Truly awful.

Dwight:And yet, Mr. Scott has decided to promote me to Regional Manager.

Jim:Wait, what? How does that even—

Dwight:Apparently, my dedication to the company speaks louder than your PowerPoint skills.

Dwight:I am now Assistant Regional Manager. Finally, my years of dedication and hard work have paid off. *makes air horn sound* WOOOOSH! *pounds desk* This is the greatest day of my life. *spins chair* I am untouchable. Unstoppable. The king of this office. *makes victory sound* VICTORY IS MINE!