Lotto

Stereotypical snowboarder irresponsibly left dog in car. But would never leave weed - priorities completely backwards.

Michael:Okay, okay, fine. If the dog is in danger, I will signal you. I will use an elaborate system of hand signals.

Michael:One finger means the dog is comfortable. Two fingers means the dog is getting warm. Three fingers means the dog is in danger.

Michael:Four fingers means I need help. Five fingers means... okay, I'm out of fingers.

Dwight:What about your thumb?

Michael:The thumb is reserved for emergencies only.

Dwight:Here boy, drink some water.

Jim:Dwight, you have to aim it at his mouth.

Dwight:I am aiming it at his mouth.

Jim:No, his mouth. The opening. Where the food goes.

Dwight:I know where a dog's mouth is, Jim.

Jim:Clearly you don't.

Dwight:I'm going to help rescue those dogs.

Jim:That's great, Dwight. You know who else was really into dogs?

Dwight:Who?

Jim:Michael Vick.

Oscar:We need to break the window to save that dog!

Dwight:That's destruction of property. We should call animal control.

Oscar:There's no time!

Oscar:*smashes window*

Michael:Oscar, what did you do?!

Oscar:I saved the dog.

Pam:There was no dog.

Michael:Okay, okay, everyone stay calm. I've got this. I've trained dogs before.

Dwight:Michael, that dog is completely out of control.

Michael:Not for long. Sit! Sitz! That's German, very authoritative.

Dwight:That's not going to work.

Michael:Platz! Fuss! Heel! See? It's responding to my commanding tone and my extensive knowledge of German dog training terminology.

Jim:Michael, it's just running around the office.

Michael:Because I haven't given it the right command yet. Aus! Bring! This dog knows exactly what I'm saying because I sound like a Bavarian police officer right now.

Andy:I won the lottery.

Andy:I'm quitting. Effective immediately.

Andy:This is a disaster. A complete disaster. Do you know how many people I have to manage now? Like, five extra people. Maybe six. I haven't counted, but it's a lot. And I was already doing so much—I mean, I coordinate the birthday parties, I'm on the party planning committee, I occasionally answer phones. This is going to completely derail my entire week.

Darryl:Wait, y'all won the lottery using my birthday? After I left the pool?

Creed:If someone wins the lottery, they're gonna quit. Then someone else will get mad they didn't win, and start a fight. Blood everywhere. We'll have to replace the carpet.

Pam:Oh, I know what Jim would do. He'd buy a boat.

Pam:Then he'd realize he hates the water.

Pam:So he'd sell the boat and buy a jet ski.

Pam:Then he'd realize he hates jet skis too.

Pam:So he'd just buy a really nice couch and sit on it while I'm at work.

Jim:I just realized something. In Maine, I could have the perfect life. I'd wake up in a nice house on the coast, go for a run on the beach, come home, make some coffee, and then I'd work from home doing something I love. And Pam would do the same thing. We'd have lunch together every day. We'd see our kids grow up. We'd actually be present for our lives.

Jim:But then I thought about it, and if we both work from home in Maine, who's gonna go to the office? Someone has to go to the office. So one of us would have to go to the office in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Every single day. For eight hours. And the other one gets to stay home in Maine. So we'd be apart all the time anyway. It's perfectly symmetrical but completely impractical.

Jim:We could move to Maine, live off the grid, grow our own vegetables, maybe start a pottery business...

Pam:Jim, you're not Joni Mitchell. We have a mortgage.

Pam:I want a townhouse in Soho.

Jim:That's in New York. We live in Scranton.

Pam:I know, Jim. It's called a fantasy.

Jim:A fantasy would be something that's theoretically possible.

Pam:I had this dream last night where you were this really handsome guy who brought me coffee in bed every morning.

Jim:Wait, so in your dream I'm handsome, but my only job is to bring you coffee?

Pam:Well, yeah, you were like... really handsome.

Jim:Okay, so I've been demoted from your actual husband to a handsome servant. That's great. That's a real confidence booster.

Jim:I don't want to be a barista in your fantasy.

Pam:Well, your Maine fantasy is basically a horror novel setting.

Jim:I can't believe you'd say that to me.

Pam:Well, I can't believe you'd even think that.

Jim:Oh, so now you're in my head? You can read minds?

Pam:I don't need to read minds. I know you.

Jim:Clearly you don't know me at all.

Pam:You know what? Maybe we should just get a divorce.

Kevin:I would work for a dollar a year if I won the lottery.

Jim or Pam:Why would you work if you won the lottery?

Kevin:Because I love my job.

Andy:I'm going to change my tone right now if you all don't start working harder.

Andy:I pity the fool who doesn't get these reports done!

Andy:So Darryl, how do we go about hiring more warehouse workers?

Darryl:Well, you put up a sign, people apply, you hire the best ones.

Andy:Right, but don't we need to do background checks, drug tests?

Darryl:Yeah, yeah, all that stuff. I read about it in this book called 'Who Moved My Cheese?' Basically, the idea is you do nothing and everything works out.

Andy:Jim, would you volunteer to help out in the warehouse?

Jim:Oh sure, because I'm clearly the strongest person here.

Pam:Yeah, that's not happening.

Kevin:I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm kind of a big deal down in the warehouse. People know me. I'm very popular. But the work is hard, and I don't like doing it.

Phyllis:I want in on this lotto pool. How much is it?

Pam:It's not a lotto pool, Phyllis.

Phyllis:What do you mean? I thought we were all putting money in to see who could guess the date of the baby.

Pam:That's... that's exactly what we're doing.

Phyllis:So it's not a lotto pool?

Phyllis:I'm going to guess 190 pounds.

Pam:Phyllis, that's your current weight.

Darryl:Nah, I just went home and watched my stories and ate a whole rotisserie chicken by myself.

Darryl:I ate tacos in my basement.

Darryl:Now it smells like tacos permanently. See, the taco particles become embedded in the drywall and insulation, creating a permanent olfactory layer that basically becomes part of the structural integrity of the basement itself.

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. I have a theory. What if regular Darryl is trapped inside a larger version of himself? Like those Russian nesting dolls.

Dwight:I will personally handle all the heavy lifting. My back can support at least 300 pounds. I've been training since childhood. The warehouse staff should defer to my superior physical capabilities.

Jim:Dwight, the boxes weigh like 40 pounds.

Dwight:Exactly. Child's play. I could do this with one hand tied behind my back. In fact, I'm going to do it with one hand tied behind my back.

Jim:You're going to hurt yourself.

Dwight:False. I am a machine. A Schrute machine.

Andy:You know, this is like that time on Happy Days when Fonzie jumped the shark.

Jim:What?

Pam:I have no idea what you're talking about.

Andy:Never mind. Forget it.

Darryl:You know what lottery winners are doing with their money? Increasingly bizarre and specific business ventures.

Andy:So you're interested in the Regional Manager position?

Candidate:Yes, I'm very excited about the opportunity.

Andy:Great, great. Well, before we get started, can I offer you a donut? I have glazed, chocolate, and Boston cream.

Candidate:Oh, sure, thank you.

Andy:Okay, so here's the thing. If I give you a glazed, that's saying I think you're a basic, straightforward candidate. Chocolate means I see some complexity. Boston cream is like... I'm not sure about you yet, but I'm intrigued.

Candidate:I... I'll just take a glazed.

Andy:See, now you're second-guessing yourself. That tells me you lack confidence. You're probably not Regional Manager material.

Darryl:Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. We're excited to have you here. Now, I'll be honest with you—this job will slowly drain your will to live. Your dreams will die here. You'll spend eight hours a day in a beige office, surrounded by people you didn't choose, doing work that doesn't matter. And the best part? You'll do it for the next thirty years until you retire and realize you wasted your entire life. But hey, we've got free coffee on Fridays, so there's that. Any questions?

Toby:You know what's the worst kind of bad luck? When you're an adult and you suddenly develop a food allergy to something you've been eating your whole life. Like, I used to love shellfish. Now I can't even look at shrimp without my throat closing up. It's like my own body turned against me.

Angela:People who play the lottery are just throwing their money away. It's financially irresponsible and mathematically pointless.

Kevin:Says the woman who just bought a scratch-off ticket at the vending machine.

Andy:I don't have a license. I mean, I have a license, but not for... this.

Andy:Why am I even here? What am I doing? I studied for weeks. Weeks!

Andy:This is a disaster. I'm a disaster. My whole life is just one long interview that I keep failing.

Jim:Yeah, if we had whips, we'd definitely get more done.

Jim:Yeah, so the warehouse guys have a different kind of intelligence. It's like, physical intelligence.

Pam:What do you mean?

Jim:Well, like, some people are smart like dolphins. And some people are smart like dogs. The warehouse guys are smart like... bears.

Kevin:You know, when I was a kid, my dad used to throw boxes at me to build my reflexes. I'd say we're pretty efficient at this point.

Jim:Kevin, I appreciate the enthusiasm, I really do. Your butter sliding idea is... it's weird, it's creative. But it's just not happening.

Darryl:Just put me out of my misery. Fire me like a wounded animal.

Andy:We need to find some strong warehouse workers.

Oscar:Well, I can help you with that. I know all the strongest, most attractive men in Scranton.

Andy:Wait, how do you know that?

Oscar:I get around.

Oscar:Well, if we're talking about pure muscle development, you have to consider the trapezius, the deltoids, and the latissimus dorsi. Kevin's got decent mass overall, but it's mostly adipose tissue. Dwight has functional strength from farm work, but his muscle groups are underdeveloped in the chest and legs. Ryan's just thin. And Michael—Michael thinks lifting weights means carrying his briefcase to the car.

Jim:So you're saying in your fantasy, you'd be willing to compromise?

Pam:Yes, of course. I'm very reasonable.

Jim:Okay, so what if I wanted to do something crazy like... go to Sandals Jamaica?

Pam:Absolutely not.

Jim:You just said you'd compromise.

Pam:I would! Just not about that.

Michael:What do you want to drink, Erin?

Erin:Oh, um, I'll have a hot chocolate tea.

Nate:A hot chocolate tea? That's not a thing.

Erin:Well, it could be!

Nate:Well, I have this condition where I can't hear very well out of my left ear. So sometimes people think I'm not listening, but really I just can't hear them. It's not that I don't care, it's just a medical thing. My doctor says it's nothing to worry about, but sometimes in conversations I'll miss entire sentences and then people get mad at me because they think I'm being rude, but really I'm just deaf in one ear. So that's why sometimes I seem distant or distracted, but it's really just a hearing situation.

Kevin:Okay, here we go. Step one: butter the floor.

Dwight:This is a terrible idea.

Jim:Wait, what are you—

Kevin:Shh, just let it happen.

Jim:Ow! Ow! OW!

Dwight:I told you.

Kevin:He's fine. He's fine.

Andy:Darryl, we need to talk about what's really going on. Your performance has been terrible, and I'm worried about you.

Darryl:I'm fine, man. Just... going through something.

Andy:You're not fine. You've been moping around the warehouse for weeks. Is this about Val? Because if it is, you need to deal with it.

Darryl:It's not about Val.

Andy:Then what is it? Because I can't help you if you won't tell me what's wrong.

Darryl:You want to know what's wrong? I'm depressed, Andy. I wake up every morning and I don't want to be here. At work, at home, anywhere. That's what's wrong.

Darryl:You know what? I've been busting my ass in that warehouse for years. Years, Andy. And every time there's an opening, every single time, somehow it goes to someone else. Someone who doesn't even know where the loading dock is.

Andy:Darryl, come on, you know that's not—

Darryl:No, you come on. I've trained half the people in this office. Half! And I'm still down there organizing boxes while people who can't tell a forklift from a fork are sitting upstairs in air conditioning.

Darryl:You think you can just waltz in here and take credit for my work?

Andy:Darryl, I don't know what you're talking about.

Darryl:Oh really? Because everyone knows I came up with that idea.

Nate:Sorry, what? I have a hearing problem.

Andy:Nate, not now—

Nate:No, it's okay. I have a hearing problem, so I probably didn't hear what you guys were saying anyway.

Darryl:He didn't die. He fell out a window.

Darryl:I'm tired of waiting for someone else to take control of my future. I'm gonna take it into my own hands.

Darryl:I'm gonna grab it. I'm gonna hold it tight. I'm gonna... work it.

Kevin:We came up with a name for our new warehouse contraption. You wanna hear it?

Jim:Not really, no.

Kevin:It's called the Bonerless Wonder.

Jim:Kevin, please don't make me—

Kevin:Go ahead, Jim. Explain it.

Jim:I'm not explaining that.

Kevin:Jim!

Jim:It's a... it's a play on words, okay? It doesn't need explaining.

Kevin:No, come on. Tell them what it does.

Jim:I'm literally not going to do that.

Jim:Well, it's called Señor Loadenstein because... it's a senior... who loads... things... and he's from Frankenstein. It's not that complicated.

Creed:I've won the lottery before.

Creed:I didn't even have to buy a ticket. Just found the money in my wallet one day.

Creed:Of course, that was in Switzerland. And I was using a different name back then.

Creed:But America's the land of opportunity, so I'm sure it'll happen here too.

Toby:If I won the lottery, I'd start a podcast called 'Toby's Thoughts' and provide all my own sound effects.

Toby:*makes whoosh sound* That's the sound of insight entering your brain.

Jim:What about Venice?

Pam:Too touristy.

Jim:OK, what if we build a Venice... but on top of a mountain?

Pam:Now you're talking.

Jim:So we'd have a house on the beach, a boat, and enough money to do whatever we want.

Pam:That sounds perfect.

Jim:Yeah, but there's one thing. We'd have to live in New Jersey.

Pam:Okay.