Customer Loyalty

Jim:Yeah, I don't really have time for pranks anymore. I'm too busy with actual work.

Jim:Wait... oh my God. Oh no. The stapler in Jell-O. I completely forgot I was doing that today.

Jim:I remember when we had time for stuff like that. Now I've got three kids, a mortgage, and responsibilities. Those were simpler days.

Dwight:I'm following the clues. This is clearly part of some kind of test.

Jim:Dwight, what are you doing?

Dwight:I don't have time to explain. There's a mystery to solve.

Jim:Okay, so I set up this whole thing with Dwight, and I was so excited to see his face when he realized—

Jim:Wait, what was I doing again?

Dwight:Seat of entrance... the toilet.

Dwight:I have to say, I'm very disappointed. For someone who fancies himself a prankster, young Jim Halpert had very sloppy technique.

Jim:Dwight, that was in high school.

Dwight:Exactly. By high school, a true prankster should have already mastered the fundamentals. I was executing complex psychological operations in middle school.

Andy:So what's this social media initiative you're working on?

Erin:Oh! I created a fake influencer account. His name is Derek McBlack.

Andy:Derek McBlack?

Erin:He's very popular. He has like 47 followers.

Erin:Derek McBlack sounds like a cool mysterious person.

Andy:He really does.

Erin:I wonder who it could be...

Derek McBlack is revealed to be obviously Pete with minimal disguise.

Michael Scott:Our social media presence is really taking off. We've got zero followers, which is great because it means we have unlimited growth potential.

Erin:It's nice working with you, Pete.

Erin:I mean, not just nice. It's great. You're great. You're so great that sometimes I think about how great you are and then I can't focus on my work because I'm thinking about how great you are, which makes me a bad employee, which makes me feel bad, which makes me think about you even more because you're so great that you make me feel bad in a good way, and then I spiral into this thing where I'm convinced you're going to leave and I'll never see you again and my life will be meaningless.

Pam:I taught Cece this really cute dance move. Watch this.

Pam:[demonstrates child's ballet move awkwardly]

Phyllis:Athlead? That's a weird name for a company.

Jim:It's a portmanteau. Athletics and lead.

Phyllis:Oh, so you were too lazy to come up with a real name?

Phyllis:Athlead? That's not even a real word. It's just 'athlete' and 'lead' smashed together.

Phyllis:By that logic, I could call myself Phylange. Phyllis and orange.

Dwight:When is this poaching going to end?

Jim:Well, let's see. I poach one beet per day. There are approximately 60,000 beets in Schrute Farms. At my current rate, I'll be done in 164 years. But if I increase my poaching to two beets per day, I could cut that time in half. So, roughly 82 years.

Dwight:Jim is trying to steal my employees. I need to prevent this.

Dwight:And I will not allow myself to be stolen by Jim either.

Oscar:Hey Kevin, did you see that new mural they put up at the Irish-American Cultural Center?

Kevin:Oh no, here we go. Let me guess - it's a giant potato?

Oscar:I mean, my chances of winning are pretty slim. There are a lot of talented artists out there.

Oscar:But if I do win, I want to thank my inspiration... the great muralist, Diego Rivera.

Dwight:Diego Rivera? I've never heard of him.

Oscar:Yeah, well, he's very obscure. Very underground. Lives in... Portland.

Jim:Pam, how do you even hold a phone to record video?

Pam:I just... point it at things?

Jim:It's a rectangle, Pam. You point the rectangle at the rectangle you want to film.

Jim:She doesn't know how to hang up the phone.

Pam:I do know how to hang up the phone.

Jim:Then why do you always—

Pam:Bye Jim! *click* ...Hello?

Erin:Oh my gosh, he only likes paper companies!

Pete:Yeah, that's... that's a pretty obvious industry connection.

Erin:This is our guy!

Pete:We did it! Our social media numbers are through the roof!

Erin:I know! We should celebrate with a special handshake!

Pete:Okay, let's do this.

Erin:So you go high, I go low, then we clap...

Pete:Wait, or do we clap first?

Erin:No, high-low-clap. That's the whole thing!

Pete:Right, right.

Erin:Go!

Pete:Ow!

Erin:Your hand was in the wrong place!

Pete:Your hand was in the wrong place!

Erin:Well this is awkward.

Nellie:Oh my God. I facilitated this. I brought them together.

Nellie:Look at this email. 'I'm coming over tonight with my hard drive.' That's not about computers.

Nellie:'I want to get inside your system.' Erin, you little minx!

Nellie:'Do you want to see my package?' Oh my.

Nellie:'I'd love to fill your slot.' This is filthy!

Dwight:Stanley, I'm offering you free coffee.

Stanley:What's the catch?

Dwight:No catch. Just sign here.

Stanley:I'm not reading all that.

Dwight:It's a loyalty pledge.

Dwight:Customer loyalty is not a philosophy, it is a fact. When a customer chooses your product, they are choosing you. They are saying, 'I trust you.' And that trust must be earned through superior service and unwavering dedication.

Dwight:Now, I have a series of questions for you. If you had to dump it on a woman, where would you dump it? A bridge? A roof? Would you dump it on a woman's car?

Dwight:What does loyalty mean to you?

Kevin:Free sandwich after 10 punches.

Dwight:What does loyalty start with, Darryl?

Darryl:L... loy... loyal...

Dwight:Come on!

Darryl:Loyalty!

Dwight:Would you be faithful to your wife if you were me?

Stanley:No. But I wouldn't ask.

Dwight:If you were flirting with someone, like Creed for example—

Dwight:Actually, not Creed. Bad example. Creed is a predator.

Kevin:It's you. Mr. X is you.

Pam:Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Excuse me, pardon me. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Pam:Yes, yes, I'm still here. No, I'm at my daughter's recital. Yes, I know it's important.

Pam:I have some really good news!

Michael:That's great, Pam. What is it?

Pam:I'm pregnant.

Michael:Pam, that's wonderful! Congratulations!

Pam:Thanks, Michael. Jim and I are really excited.

Michael:This calls for a celebration. Everyone gather around!

Other parents:Did you seriously just take a call during the recital?

Pam:It was important!

Other parents:Your child was literally on stage.

Pam:I know, but—

Other parents:That's not a 'but' situation. That's a phone off situation.

Dwight:Darryl, you are wasting your potential here in the warehouse. You should be working in sales with me.

Darryl:Dwight, I like it down here. I'm good at what I do.

Dwight:But Jim is in sales. Don't you want to show him up? I have a plan. We could slash his tires.

Darryl:What? No.

Dwight:Or we could put a dead fish in his desk. Classic.

Dwight:I can't believe anything is more fun than paper sales.

Darryl:Dude, you need help.

Creed:Pete's sick. Andy's not sick. Pete's got the edge.

Phyllis:You know, Erin doesn't need a man to complete her. She's a strong, independent woman who can do anything she sets her mind to.

Phyllis:In fact, she doesn't need either of them.

Kevin:You can't deny feelings like that. That's like denying you have a stomach. Your heart knows what it wants.

Nellie:I'm going to break up Pete and Erin.

Nellie:It's like murder. Except nobody dies. Well, their relationship dies. But that's not a person, so it's not murder.

Dwight:Darryl, today you are going to experience the most fun delivery route in the entire company. We are delivering FUN!

Darryl:Dwight, it's just a regular delivery route.

Dwight:No. No, no, no. We are not just delivering packages. We are delivering JOY. We are delivering SMILES. We are delivering the very essence of human happiness in box form!

Darryl:...okay.

Dwight:False. Your enthusiasm is false. I can see it in your eyes. We need to turn that frown upside down, Darryl. Or I will do it for you.

Dwight:Come on, Darryl! Delivery day is the most fun day of the week!

Darryl:No it's not.

Angela:Wait, you knew about me and Oscar?

Oscar:Angela, everyone knew.

Angela:But I was so careful...

Oscar:You literally kissed him at the Christmas party.

Angela:That was... oh my God.

Darryl:What are you doing with a milkshake in this cold weather?

Dwight:It's not about the temperature, Darryl. It's about the principle.

Darryl:The principle of what?

Dwight:Never mind.

Darryl:Yo, Dwight, that prank could've hurt somebody. That ain't right.

Dwight:A prank is a prank, Darryl. Besides, it got 50,000 views on YouTube.

Darryl:Views don't make it okay, man.

Dwight:They do in the YouTube community.

Pam:Would you like to see Cece's recital video?

Meredith:Sure. I guess. Whatever.

Pam:I'm actually really good at phone calls. I'm a receptionist.

Pam:I can transfer calls, I can put people on hold, I know all the extensions...

Pam:*picks up phone awkwardly* Hello? Hi, yes, I... sorry, could you hold on?

Pam:*fumbles with buttons, accidentally hangs up* Oh no.

Oscar:Your parents didn't really have their priorities straight, did they?

Pam:Hey babe, you're not going to believe this...

Pam:I got the mural commission! Can you believe it?

Pam:That's so great, Pam. I'm really proud of you, babe.

Jim:I don't know what's funnier—the treasure hunt or the fact that Dwight's still looking for it.

Jim:Actually, at this point it's just sad.

Dwight:I put a thumbtack in Darryl's milkshake. Classic Schrute prank.

Darryl:Dwight, that's not a prank, that's a felony. I'm in the hospital.

Oscar:I'm trying to block that memory out of my mind actually. Like, really hard.

Dwight:Creed, you're smiling. Why are you smiling?

Creed:I'm not smiling.

Dwight:Your mouth is literally curved upward.

Creed:I was just clearing my throat.

Jim:Can you send me that video from Cece's recital? I could use a pick-me-up.

Pam:Oh sure! Fair warning though, I'm not in it. I got asked to film instead of perform, which, in hindsight, should have been my first clue.

Jim:So you want me to reach out to all the other parents and ask them for their videos of Cece?

Pam:Yeah, that way we'll have more footage for the montage.

Jim:Pam, in all of those videos, Cece is going to be in the background. She's going to be a blur. Some other kid's going to be doing a cartwheel, and Cece's just going to be standing there like a ghost.

Jim:You know what, Pam? It's not that complicated. You just hit record and point the camera at the stage.

Pam:I know that, Jim.

Jim:Apparently you don't, because the entire recital is out of focus and half of it is just the ceiling.

Pam:Yeah, well, you weren't even here. So maybe if you had been here, you could have fixed it.

Pam:I can't believe Jim said that to me. I just... I don't even know what to do right now.

Pam:Brian, can you turn the camera off?

Brian:I'm just here to make sure nothing goes wrong with the equipment. But honestly, I spend most of my time hoping Michael doesn't destroy the camera or accidentally film himself doing something he'll regret later.

Brian:I can't do this anymore. I just... I can't keep pretending everything is fine when it's not.

Dwight:I used to do this prank all the time. I'd put a milkshake in someone's desk, they'd open it, and... *makes explosive gesture* ...all over their face.

Dwight:You know what? I miss this. I miss the paper business.