At a lakeside retreat for married couples, Marge is determined to fix her marriage with Homer, but Homer is more determined to catch General Sherman, the freakishly large catfish that lives in the lake.
Marge's marital desperation sustains 59 jokes at 3.47-per-minute density throughout.
Directed by Mark Kirkland · Written by John Swartzwelder
WAR
55.2
Wins Above Replacement
“The War Of The Simpsons” ranks #72 of 226 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 82.5 — Elite. The episode packs 59 scored jokes at 3.5 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 6.9 on impact, with Homer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Sometimes Maude underlines passages in my Bible... because she can't find hers. -Lucky you don't keep guns.
Ned Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Remember, I said 'if.'
Dr. Hibbert Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch -She's perfect. -What are her faults? -It can be annoying.
I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Bart Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch I've been wanting to tell you off for years... I don't know you. Our wives are friends. You just met. You stink! You and your whole lousy operation stinks. I quit!
All Jokes — 59 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Mmm! "Hors doovers."
Homer Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch -Homer! You promised. -That I wouldn't eat? Never. You lie.
What about that bash with champagne and musicians and holy men? -That was our wedding! -Oh.
Homer Marge Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch -I want to hear your witty banter. -You can't have fun in bed. Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better.
Bart Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Oh, baby. Mmm! Yeah.
Homer Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy You look swell. And the house! You've done.... Whatever!
Guest Setup/Punchline Cringe/Discomfort Anybody mind if I serve as bartender? I have a Ph.D. in mixology.
Ned Character Comedy Setup/Punchline College boy.
Homer Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Next time put a little alcohol in it. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon... Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I'm slurring my words.
Homer Ned Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Remember when you threw up in the laundry hamper? No.
But I don't remember you being so beautiful.
A new kind of Mace? Really painful.
Homer... these ice cubes are made from highly toxic chemicals. A real fly is more sanitary. The look on your face. It's priceless!
-Do that cute thing you do. -What? -That thing you know how to do. -What? Go to bed.
Look! I'm the funniest guy in the world! Oh, Homer! You're the king.
I've been wanting to tell you off for years... I don't know you. Our wives are friends. You just met. You stink! You and your whole lousy operation stinks. I quit!
-Gee, don't quit. -All right.
Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom. Thanks for inviting me. I had a great time. I apologize for my husband. If you want him to live, roll him onto his stomach.
Remember, I said 'if.'
Dr. Hibbert Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Why? What did you do?
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
Homer Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini. -Well said. -Thank you.
Homer Wordplay/Pun Callback -Well said. -Thank you. -A fly! -I put it there. -You did? -I slipped it in. -Pure hilarity! -Pure Homer! The most whimsical jape of the season.
Homer Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it.
Marge Setup/Punchline Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Oh. You mean inside, don't you?
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Bart Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch "Satan's Boners"... "Good Grief, More Satan's Boners," and... for teens, "It's Not Cool To Fry In Hell."
The Lord and I can't compete with the squeaking of Homer's shoes. Why don't we wait until he sits?
Marge! What are you doing? Are you insane?!
Homer Reaction Beat Character Comedy They couldn't call it that if it didn't have a catfish in it.
Homer Character Comedy Observational Why do you need a sitter? I'm 10 1/2! -I'll give you a taste of me hand.
Last resort. Old Grampa, the feeb. The guy who can't be counted on for nothing, nohow. Everyone's against me.
Grampa Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort You can smoke cigars?
Grampa Setup/Punchline Character Comedy The biggest catfish around. Weighs over 500 pounds. -Who says that? -They do.
He's freakishly big, though.
Gentlemen, I am going to catch General Sherman.
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy In these crazy times... who knows what's right or wrong? My gut's telling me: Bleed Gramps dry.
Bart Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch My name's Gloria. I'm here because Johnny... hasn't been able to cut it, manwise, for some time. Not that I'd want his odor of sour defeat pressed against me.
Gloria Cringe/Discomfort Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch She keeps a filthy house and talks profanely. She's the Queen of the Harpies! -Here's your crown, Your Majesty!
Sometimes Maude underlines passages in my Bible... because she can't find hers. -Lucky you don't keep guns.
Ned Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch -She's perfect. -What are her faults? -It can be annoying.
He blows his nose on towels and puts them back. Only a couple of times.
He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are long and yellow. That's all I can think of.
Marge Escalation Cringe/Discomfort Out at 5. Catch Sherman at 5:30. Clean him at 6. Eat him by 6:30. Back in bed by 7 with no incriminating evidence. The perfect crime.
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Go ahead, General Sherman! Waste your strength, you big, ugly catfish. I got a skillet and some butter with your name on it.
Homer Character Comedy Setup/Punchline For the last time, yes!
Bart Character Comedy Escalation Big blowout at casa de Simpson. The only adult is frail. Bart's joint. Two-ish. Be there or be square.
Bart Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Tell my friends? All right. But I've got some funky friends.
Nelson Character Comedy Setup/Punchline As a trained marriage counselor... this is the first time I've told a partner they were right. It's all his fault.
-Any chicks over 8? -Not yet, but the afternoon is young.
Thanks for coming. Nice tie, Nelson. It's your dad's.
It's your dad's.
Nelson Character Comedy Dark/Subversive It's remorse, you burlesque of irrepressible youth. -How do you make it go away? -Grab a brush... and clean faster than you ever have before.
Grampa Bart Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch -To who? -Those weirdos in the store!
I fought it for six hours. One word and I toss it back. You're telling me our marriage is in trouble?
Homer Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Pretending to cry. That's right! You heard me! Pretending to cry! I can turn it on and off like a faucet.
Grampa Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch "I'm crying. I'm so sad."
Grampa Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy His name was Homer. Seven feet tall. Arms like tree trunks. Eyes like steel, cold and hard. Had a shock of hair, red. Like the fires of hell.
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