Reverend Lovejoy

Gambling, the Eighth Deadly Sin

Probably stepped on a worm.

Oh, Matthew 19: 19, yeah, right.

No. It is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.

-Should I have him arrested? -That seems like an ideal solution.

"Satan's Boners"... "Good Grief, More Satan's Boners," and... for teens, "It's Not Cool To Fry In Hell."

The Lord and I can't compete with the squeaking of Homer's shoes. Why don't we wait until he sits?

As a trained marriage counselor... this is the first time I've told a partner they were right. It's all his fault.

Reverend Lovejoy! You've come to comfort me? / Yes, Bart. There, there. / Kill my boy.

Oh, the next time there's a canned food drive... I'll give the poor something they'd actually like... instead of old lima beans and pumpkin mix

I do a radio call-in show with him... every Sunday night. - Really? - I didn't know that. I mention it in my sermon every week.

Let me check my non-Christian Rolodex.

Was it asparagus?

Uh... page 900.

Damn Flanders.

Card table for sale. Top badly damaged. Leg missing. Otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer.

'And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there'? Yeah. Think about it.

You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here. Yes, the lesson is-- No, don't tell me. I'll get it.

Hindu. There are 700 million of us. Aw, that's super.

Folks, if you could just stop cleaning each other for a second.

And the Lord said, 'Whackye all the serpents which crawl on their bellies... and thy town shall be a beacon unto others.' Let me see that.

Ned, there's an oil stain in the parking lot that looks just like St. Barnabus.

Take five, Mrs. Feesh. [Ragtime piano playing badly]

Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.

Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

And with flaming swords, the Aramites did pierce the eyes of their fellow men... and did feast on what flowed forth.

Well, in my family, grades aren't that important. It's what you learn that counts. Six times five! What is it?

Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word 'butt'! / But... But... But... / Make him stop!

Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word 'butt'!

How convenient.

It never would've happened if the wedding was in the church with God instead of out here in the cheap showiness of nature.

And to the delectable turkey...that's walking around the table!

Dear Lord, it's a demon bird.

See you in hell. From heaven.

No! It was Bleeding Gums Murphy. / Anyway, Bloody Gums Murphy was quite the sousaphone player... / Saxophone! He was a jazz musician.

That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.

Have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.

Damn Flanders.

And now please rise for our opening hymn... uh, 'In the Garden of Eden'... by I. Ron Butterfly.

Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll.

where I will eat naught but burning-hot coals... and drink naught but burning-hot cola

and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers

So I helped myself to a few of the better umbrellas.

in impotence and in potence

'Do you, Marge, take Homer in richness and in poorness-' 'Poorness' is underlined

jet-powered, monkey navigated-

Also, I believe Job was right-handed.

Short answer- yes, with an 'if.' Long answer- no, with a 'but.'

I've got a copy of something or other by Art Linkletter in my office.

Now, Helen, let us not glory in Homer's binge drinking. There but for the grace of God goes Marge herself.

I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. He came in peace, and then died... only to come back to life. And his name was... E.T., the extraterrestrial. [Sniffles] I love that little guy.

[Man Coughing] [Clears Throat] The topic was love.

Yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper... littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse

[Yawns] Damn it!

Do you know, thanks to you, I've rediscovered a form of shame that's gone unused for 700 years?

Oh, it's all good.

The '60s were long over, and people were once again ready to feel bad about themselves.

Luckily, by then it was the '80s, and no one noticed.

Um, could we please not yell out things in the church?

I'm a shepherd without a flock. What have I done to lose them?

Mmm. I'm a shepherd without a flock. What have I done to lose them?

Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.

If the passengers will look to the right, you will see a sad man. That is all.

Say your prayers, you heathen baboons!

A pair of the great apes rose up at me, but bif-bam, I sent them flying like two hairy footballs.

Well, Christ is Christ. Plus, I consulted a Hindu Web site.

And now please rise for our opening hymn... uh, 'In the Garden of Eden'... by I. Ron Butterfly.

This so-called 'new religion' is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first let's pass the collection plate.

Looks like slim pickings today, Reverend. Oh, Lord. Uh, try the emergency plate, Ned.

Now quickly! Gaze down at God's fabulous parquet floor. Eyes on the floor. Still on the floor.

No, Homer wasn't a great man... nor even an adequate man, and he certainly never accomplished anything.

Uh, President Lenny, you have anything to say? Nah. All right. Fair enough.

A... Men-nonite minister will be giving a guest sermon next Sunday

Don't make me come up there / Let me outta here. The guy never stops talking

Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours.

And as we pass the collection plate... please give as though the person next to you were watching.

A chocolate bunny? Who put this wicked idol in the collection plate? - Relax. I found it in the Dumpster.

I mean, how long can he hold a grudge? - Forever and ever and ever...

And that concludes Genesis... the first of the 66 books of the Bible.

This goes right in the old poor box. Not so fast, old chum.