Grampa

-This place is depressing. -Hey, I live here! Well, I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it.

That's no way to lay a fire! -This will roar any time now. -A caveman could start it.

-Amen. -Worst prayer yet.

Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly. As if he had no will of his own. -Isn't that true, Homer? -Yes, Dad.

Let's go! If I'm not back at the home by 9... they declare me dead and collect my insurance.

Now we can blame him for everything! -It's your fault I'm bald! -Sorry. -It's your fault I'm old! -Sorry. -It's your fault I can't talk! -Sorry.

It's Simpson, and these aren't my pills

Look at us. We're staring like a couple of stupid punk teenagers

Care to tip the wrist with me?

Widower, one son, one working kidney

You'd think this would get easier!

Never fly solo again

Oh, hello, young lady. Is your grandmother home?

I'd better keep my good eye on you. Damn straight.

The battleship New Jersey. You idiot! My girlfriend, Bea.

$400. I'll give you $5. Not an offer you should make to a man with a gun.

She's not invisible, you idiot!

Damn these childproof doors!

What a wingding. This is much better than my girlfriend's party.

I got a date with an angel. You don't know how right you are.

They may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart.

Is someone talking? I didn't hear anything. Oh, no! Dad's lost his hearing! No, you idiot! I'm ignoring you!

I just had to tell you that you're not getting one thin dime!

Take me someplace fun! You're the boss. Next stop, Funsville.

Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you, what was death like? Not as scary as this!

All my precious sacks of gold couldn't buy me the joys of a family meal.

With funding, this baby could destroy an area the size of New York. I wanna help people, not kill them! Oh. The ray only has evil applications.

But you can buy me a pony. You're right! I'll name her Princess.

Homer, I think Rudyard Kipling said it best. 'If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn...' You'll be a bonehead!

Put it all on 41. I've got a feeling. The wheel only goes to 36. Put it all on 36.

Put it all on 41. / I've got a feeling. / The wheel only goes to 36. / Put it all on 36. I've got a feeling.

For the first time, I'm glad I had children.

Come on in. Dignity's on me, friends.

Last resort. Old Grampa, the feeb. The guy who can't be counted on for nothing, nohow. Everyone's against me.

You can smoke cigars?

It's remorse, you burlesque of irrepressible youth. -How do you make it go away? -Grab a brush... and clean faster than you ever have before.

Pretending to cry. That's right! You heard me! Pretending to cry! I can turn it on and off like a faucet.

"I'm crying. I'm so sad."

You'll never do any better. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat.

All you got to do is whack her with the oar

I didn't earn it. I don't need it. But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell!

That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! E-E-Evil! Grampa, you said that about all the presents. I just want attention.

Homer, I've coughed up scarier stuff than that.

That's a lie, and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies.

Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scrofula? The vapors? Jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?

Good news, boy. I found a pharmacy that carries leeches! Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy. More of a bait shop.

Oral thermometer, my eye! Think warm thoughts, boy, 'cause this is mighty cold.

Dad, I have a problem. Why'd you come to me?

I don't know nothin'. I used to get by on my looks. Now they're gone, withered away like an old piece of fruit.

I was voted the handsomest boy in Albany, New York.

I ratted on everybody and got off scot-free.

We'll show 'em all! [Laughing] [Snoring]

Coma? Pfftt. Why, I go in and out of comas all the-- [Snores]

It's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.

Well, whenever I'm confused I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.

Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants? I don't know!

That's right. I did the Iggy.

You're a comedy writer? My God, you're so old. I want my check!

His name is Abraham Simpson... and he's got something you couldn't get at your fancy schools-- life experience. I spent 40 years as a night watchman at a cranberry silo.

They pay me $800 a week to tell a cat and mouse what to do!

I dreamt I was the queen of the Old West. I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did.

Cross my fingers for me. [Snap] That's gonna hurt come winter.

That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy... and I didn't like it one bit! It was disgusting and violent! I think all you people are despicable! For shame!

I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George 'Goober' Lindsey.

Grampa, Matlock's not real. Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob... if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste.

Hello! Hello! You have my pills! Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.

Look what happened without my pills!

Not so fast. I wanna court this fair, young maiden. There's somethin' you should know about me. I've got Steve and Eydie tickets. I'm all yours!

I'm a vampire, and I've come to suck your blood. Blah! Oh-- This cape is giving me a rash.

There's nothing here a little elbow grease won't fix! So let's roll up our sleeves and-- [Snoring]

Papa needs a new pair of spats. I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi! Fat City, here I come!

Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one. Oh! Now it's in my shoe! Ow! Ow! Ooh!

swiped his pills... 'Take one every hour to prevent spastic heart convulsions.'

Wait, that's my hand.

Mr. Simpson. Stop. Your constant letters are becoming a nuisance. Stop. If you do not cease, I will be forced to pursue legal action. Stop. Signed, Boris Karloff. Hollywood, California.

You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in zeppelins, dropping coins on people.

I just used it that morning to wash my turkey... which in those days was known as a 'walking bird.'

Cranberries, 'injun eyes,' and yams stuffed with gunpowder.

Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called 'baseball.'

When I was young, toys were built to last. Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box.

And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em. [proceeds to step on them]

My skull is eggshell-thin.

Holy smokes! That's it! From now on, I'm thinkin', actin' and lookin' young.

Oh! Ow! Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Ooh. Water! Water!

Look at me! I'm acting young! [proceeds to injure himself]

I'm gonna get me a job! A real Malibu and see if Stacy can help invent me young-- Help!

We need some more secret sauce! Put this mayonnaise in the sun.

Ever see a sandwich that could take a bite outta you? Look at the sandwich! It's gonna bite you!

And one more thing. I never once washed my hands. That's your policy, not mine.

I love ya. / What? / Uh, I love ya, Mom. / I love ya. I love ya. / I love ya. I love ya. / I love ya, Mom. Gotta go.

Hot diggity damn! That's good enough for me!

David Letterman! - Hi, David. I'm Grampa.

Their father's fat and their mother's thin And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin / Hey! That's Obsession for Men.

Pneumonoultramicroscopic-silicovolcanoconiosis?

What? Sex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father... talk about sex? I had sex.

I got a home remedy that'll put the dowsers back in your trousers.

Legend has it my great grandpappy stumbled upon this recipe... when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water.

Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing... tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, 'her-prising,' revitalizing tonic!

Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid.

You're the worst shill ever! You're a disgrace to the medicine show business.

Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must've spooked them good.

There she is. The old Radiation King.

You, president? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a system set up to keep people like you... from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead.

If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago... you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident!

Dad! Son! I'm a screwup. I burned down our house. No. I'm a screwup. I burned down our house.

I'm not sorry I had you, son. And I was always proud... that you weren't a short man.

What do they do? What don't they do? Oh, they do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there. My stars.

Not as such, no.

I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist.

I'm the president of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance, for some reason.

Ev-er-y-one is... talk-ing a-bout... Ra-di-o-ac-tive M-an... y'all.

No, I was the tough kid. Smelly. My shtick was lookin' into an exhaust pipe and gettin' a face full of soot.

William Faulkner can write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think.

Oh, no! My favorite aggie! - You stole my bit! That's my bit!

Seems confused and dehydrated. Where's the baby? Well, that's her, ain't it?

Kids love that water. Oh, my lord! Stupid babies need the most attention.

Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Just leave me in the car with the window open a crack. - That's the plan.

Grampa destroying the TV while trying to adjust it

No, Grampa! Don't! Dad, sit down! Gosh darn it! What does this do?

Oh, jabber jacks! Schoolhouse don't put out spittoons, I ain't responsible.

You're livin'in a fool's paradise, Van Houten.

If you fell down in the shower, that thing'd be your tomb.

I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon.

Now, my story begins in nineteen dickety-two. We had to say 'dickety,' 'cause the kaiser had stolen our word 'twenty.'

I chased that rascal to get it back... but gave up after dickety-six miles.

What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie. That's your problem.

discuss how I invented the 'terlet.'

Stop your snickering! I spent three years on that terlet!

That means the fortune's almost mine.

Over my dead body it will! That's exactly the point!

How long was that?

Was that me, or was that you?

Sweet merciful McGillicutty! You gotta open the door!

And then a knife flew at my head! And you were there... and you were there.

I got this in the Second World War II.

the fightingest squad in the fightingest company... in the third-fightingest battalion in the army.

Well, he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover.

They took a photo of my keister for Stars and Stripes! At least they told me it was for Stars and Stripes.

I'd hate to wind up in one of them old folks' homes.

Ox was the first to go. He got a hernia carrying the crate out of the castle.

Five more men died in the Veterans Day float disaster of'79.

If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice.

you're all welcome to visit me in Rich Man's Heaven.

You could've made sergeant.

You're out of my unit. You're out of the tontine. And that means the paintings are mine! Private, you are dismissed!

Careful of the apple pie on the seat. - Uh-oh. Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? - I sure hope so.

For the love of God, help me! I've been here for four days and a turtle's got ahold of my teeth!

Ow! He bit me with my own teeth! - This is the worst assignment we've ever had. - Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?

I had that dream again!

Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on? Midge, help me out here.

Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934...

Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934...

Oh, I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey

Hello, beautiful. [Snoring] / Hello, beautiful. [Snoring Resumes]

I can't feel nothing below my chin.

You take that back, Barney. No, he's right, Homer. Stay out of this, old man.

Oh, ain't no big deal. All Simpsons start to lose their smarts around your age.

Oh, your dad used to be smart as a monkey. Then his mind started gettir lazy... and now he's dumb as a chimp.

Back when he was your age, he was smart as a chimp.

I was on P.T. 109 with John F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his terrible secret. / Ich bin ein Berliner. / He's a Nazi! Get 'im!

My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist- But he is not a porn star!

Sure. It was the winter of '28. The Butter Baby Flapjack Company sponsored me and a fella named McAllister.

Heroically, I gave him the last short stack.

Of course, folks were tougher in those days. I was jitterbugging that very night.

I'm not Bart. I'm Rod Flanders. - There you go with that smart mouth!

Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch. Yes, sir!

And that's why today bananas are called 'yellow fatty beans.'

Hey, are they pulling the plug on anybody today? - Nope, everybody's paid up.

And that's how I earned the Iron Cross.

That's my brass knee. Steel hip. That one's news to me.

It was your mother's job to name ya and love ya and such. I was mainly in it for the spankin'.

Serves her right for bein' a '60s radical! Though she was a demon in the sack.

Your mother dragged us both to that godforsaken lovefest!

Boo! Bring on Sha Na Na!

Shame on you, boy! Put some damn pants on and then pull 'em down! 'Cause it's time for a spankin'!

Never! What you need's a good long hitch in Vietnam! There must be an enlistment tent around here somewhere.

If I'd have left it up to your mother... you'd have ended up in a hellhole like this... just lyin' around, never workin'... without a care in your head... full of long, luxurious hippie hair!

And a demon in the sack. [Both chuckling] Ah, you heard about that, eh?

How could you let me turn into you? Bu-Bu-But the poncho!

Can I go to the bathroom before we leave? We gotta get home. I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham. But I really need to- F. Murray Abraham!

Can I go behind a tree? What are you? An animal?

Please go back! You can make it my birthday present. We're almost home, Dad. Only a couple more times over the horizon. But I might explode!

So you're saying I don't need a new muffler? I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something. Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over. [Laughing]

How long do I have to live, Doc? [Laughs] I'm amazed you're alive now. Oh, I blame myself for this. We all blame you.

Krusty here to cheer you up... as part of the hospital's Last Laugh program. / Last laugh?

Shelbyville Hospital!

Grave nothin'! I never felt more alive! / [Laughs] / [Bones Cracking] / Oh, boy, I shouldn't have done that.

Yes, tickling.

And he traded a mule for it. And that mule went on to save spring break.