Bart

Oh, jingle bells Batman smells Robin laid an egg The Batmobile broke its wheel The joker got awa--

Oh, please. There's only one fat guy that brings us presents, and his name ain't Santa.

A tattoo? A what? Yeah! They're cool, and they last the rest of your life.

Yeah. If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your allowance. All right!

Good one, Dad.

One 'Mother,' please. Wait a minute. How old are you? Twenty-one, sir.

Ay, caramba! Now, whatever you do, don't squirm. you don't wanna get this sucker near your eye or your groin.

Ow! Quit it. Ow! Quit it.

What's your name, Bart... ner? Uh, little partner? I'm Bart Simpson. Who are you? I'm jolly Old St. Nick.

I'll say, Dad. you must really love us to sink so low.

If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs and it's gonna happen to us.

Bart, did you hear that? What a name! Santa's Little Helper! It's a sign! It's an omen! It's a coincidence, Dad.

So love at first sight is possible. And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch.

Like a light bulb! Bart! Like Shnozzola! Lisa! Like strippoker! I'm warning you two!

Like Attila the Hu-- You little--

As in,'This game is stup-id.' - Hey, shut up, boy.

Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O.

A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin. And a short temper.

Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose.

Student reports Bart for vandalism while Bart is actively spray-painting

Eat my shorts.

Oof!

Wow! It's like you're reading my mind, man.

Trabing norm doog. - What's your problem?

Well... you're damned if you do... and you're damned if you don't.

Os-os. - What? - That's backwards for so-so.

Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor, Please use the cuspidor, That's what it's for

No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Is that one fat enough for you, son?

'Course I do.

Bart's confession note: 'I am a regular dumb kid. I cheated on my intelligence test.'

And I think if something can bring us that close... it can't possibly be bad.

you think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted.

We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.

You love him more. / No, you do. / No, I don't. / Yes, you do!

Tough choice. / I'm picking respect.

And this must be, uh, Brat. / Bart. / Don't correct the man, Brat.

Hear that, Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.

Hey, isn't that your boy there torturing the swans? - Bart!

You remember the rules? / Shut my mouth, and let your boss win.

Man, this is pathetic. I'm goin' for it!

Kiss you? But, Dad, I'm your kid. / Bart, please? Five bucks for a kiss.

That cornball routine? 'I love you, Daddy.' Give me a break. / I pity you. / Why?

Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.

These people are obviously freaks. / Oh, you think so?

The fat guy on TV? / You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling? / Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference.

These mallet things are padded with foam rubber. What's the point? / They'd work much better without the padding, Doc.

Just testing. - Why, you-- No, Homer, not yet.

How could you shock your little sister? - My finger slipped. - So did mine.

Keep your greasy mitts outta there

You're saying 'buttkisser' like it's a bad thing

My sister here made a whole pile up cupcakes to butter up her teacher, and she won't give anybody else even one measly little crumb

You sniveling toad! You little egg sucker!

Back-scratcher. Foot-licker. Honor student!

In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean

What do you like best about me? / Well, I'd have to say... your generous nature, your spirit of giving

Thanks, Lis. You're the best

Uh-oh. A cold wind

Lunchtime! Ha, ha, ha! - Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime.

I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive

It would violate the code of the schoolyard

I'm not sayin' I'm not a hero. I'm just saying that I fear for my safety

Oh, man, that guy's tough to love

Let's just say I paid the inevitable price for helping out my sister

This bully friend of yours, is he a little on the chunky side? / Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.

I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times. But the one thing I do know-- Whoa, whoa! All right! Okay! I promise you victory! I promise you good times!

Well, I'd rather they say 'Death From Above,' but I guess we're stuck

Ha! Oh, yeah? You and what army? / This one.

There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War I, and the Star Wars trilogy

Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.

Well, Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes over the past three decades to--

Battling Bart Simpson! And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats-- Oh, correction. Humiliating defeats, all of them by knockout--

Homer 'The Human Punching Bag' Simpson!

I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything.

It isn't? There must be some mistake.

Thinks he's some big stupid Homer. Oh, man. I'll show him. He thinks he's so big.

Maggie. Come to the one you love best. / No, Maggie. Come here, girl. Come to me.

Gee, Dad, you're really bad at this. I am not. It's just that I... couldn't concentrate with that infernal racket.

I am going easy on you, but you're so old and slow and weak and pathetic.

Don't make me say it. I know the answer. You know the answer. He knows the answer. Let's just drop it. Okay?

Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking. / Is Jacques there? / Who? / Jacques. Last name Strap.

You're right, Mom. I'd just like to use this occasion to announce my retirement, undefeated, from the world of video boxing.

Howdy, Bart. Hot enough for ya? / Shut up, Flanders.

Ay, caramba. / This is better than our house.

What are you doing back there? / We're playing,'What's that odor?' Dad's feet? / Bart! / You win, Bart. / Lisa!

Shut up! / Shut up! Shut up! / D-oh! / D-oh! D-oh!

If you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone. / It's a deal. / And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear, and they don't like it. / Besides, there's nothing to be afraid of. / Right. / A rattler! / I'm not afraid! / Run, you fool!

Don't have a cow, Dad.

What the-- D-oh! You're alive! And buck naked. / I'm not the only one, Home boy. / What? Oh!

Jungle man.

What are we gonna do, hang ourselves? / No! This is a trap. It's gonna catch us our dinner. Come on, boy.

G-G-Good n-n-night, D-D-Dad. / G-G-Good n-n-night, son.

Are we there yet? / No! / Are we ever gonna be there? / How would I know? Quit asking pointless--

Honey. Honey! / We're saved! / Uh, Homer. Bees?

How is it? / Tangy.

What do we do, Dad? / Praise the grizzlies, son. Nice grizzlies. Nice grizzlies. / That's a good grizzly.

Later, grizzly dudes.

Whoa! Are you talking to me?

Will there be cavemen in heaven?

What if you're a really good person, but you're in a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene, and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?

What about a robot with a human brain?

Perish the thought

Might land on my face and end up looking like you

Well, okay. I just wanted to make sure we weren't deluding ourselves

Share the wealth. That's what I always say

Like that one over there looks just like a cherry bomb

I mean, without the head, of course

Top of the world, Ma

My head

You're not really talking to me. You're just my overactive imagination

Who wouldn't like a bottle of real French perfume all the way from gay Paree? Four bucks, plus tax.

Oh, big deal. Dry macaroni, spray paint and glue. Whoopie.

Litha, my 'ongue' is 'uck' in the 'eaters.' My 'ongue'!

My birthday? It's my birthday? - No!

What the hell are you talking about? There's gallons of it! But this occasion is already so special. If we made it any more special, we might end up making it less special.

You're in stage two, denial. - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. - I'm not. I'm not. Am not! - I stand corrected.

Dad, you didn't even say 'ouch.' - Oh, sorry. Ouch.

You told me when something's bothering you and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut. At least that way, you won't make things worse. - Hmm. Good advice.

Female carrier, Bart.

Every day for the last six months-- Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera?

Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is top secret.

Oh, sure. Like I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt.

Only four of us? Who escaped?

Ahoy! I spy the children's menu.

Ahoy, this place bites.

This evening I shall go for the squid platter, with extra tentacles, please.

Ai, caramba. Wow, man.

Cross your heart and hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye? Jam a dagger in your thigh? Eat a horse manure pie?

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

All right, folks. Show's over. No more to see, folks. Come on. Only sick people want to see my folks kiss.

Clumsy Homer.

Everything's always my fault. If he'd just watch out where he was going.

So long, sucker.

The life of a frog. That's the life for me.

Eww. What a dump.

Can I have something to go with my turnip?

Bunch of creeps! I hate France!

But you gotta help me. These two guys I'm staying with, they work me day and night. They don't feed me.

Here I've listened to nothing but French for the past... Sacré bleu! Where is me mama?

So, basically, I met one nice French person.

Don't blame me. I didn't do it.

Ay, carumba!

I've based my whole life on Krusty's teachings.

What the hell are you doing, Lis?

You're smarter than me.

Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill--

See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people! Sideshow Bob really fills his shoes with big ugly feet.

Hey, doughnuts! - Bart, there's one left, and it's mine.

Cool your jets, man. We're comin'.

Oh! - Aw, Homer! - Aw, Dad! - Uh-oh, schoolbus!

Al Coholic prank call sequence

Hello. Is Al there? / Al? / Yeah, Al. Last name, Coholic.

Is Oliver there? / Who? / Oliver Klozoff.

Son, there's not a woman alive who can resist a man who knows how to mambo. / You don't have a clue, do you, Dad?

Oh, boy! The Happy Little Elves Meet the Curious Bear Cub. / Oh, the Elves! The Elves!

We've seen the Crappy Little Elves about 14 billion times.

You know what happens. They find Captain Kook's treasure. All the elves dance around like idiots. I puke. The end.

Relax. This is cinema verite. When the brutal, slow-motion killing starts, I'll tell you to shut your eyes.

Ask if there's a reward. / Is there a reward? / If she's convicted, we get T-shirts! / Yeah!

Students, prepare to be dazzled. The name of the book that I read was Treasure Island.

And green birds on their shoulders.

And published by McGraw-Hill. So in conclusion, on a scale of 1 to 10... 10 being the highest, 1 the lowest, and 5 average, I give it... a 9.

Questions? No? Then I'll sit down. Did you read the book? I'm insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt?

Blackbeard, Captain Nemo, Captain Hook, Bluebeard.

-Blah, blah, blah, blah. -Yes, ma'am. -Blah, blah, blah. -Yes, ma'am. -You haven't been paying attention! -Yes, ma'am.

Then what did I say? -Straighten up and fly right? -Lucky guess.

Take that, granny! Hide! Deadly mothballs. Granny's kissing me!

You covered up my paper! Look at those funny little whiskers. That reminds me.

It's Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie. No, Dad, I should really-- Gorilla the Conqueror. The granddaddy of them all. Well, maybe just one more hour.

Hey, Bart-dude. You look freaked. I got a test I'm not ready for. Can you crash the bus?

-Name the pilgrim's boat. -The Spirit of St. Louis. -Where'd they land? -Sunny Acapulco. -Why'd they leave England? -Giant rats.

Cool, history's coming alive.

-What's the matter, son? -Stabbing pains in my stomach.

-Do you feel pain in your arm? -Both arms. -Temporary loss of vision? -Who said that? Come closer.

What'd you get for number one? Number two? Yeah, that sounds right.

Hey, Dr. J.

Look at these results: 55, 42, 26. A 12 on state capitals! Why are we dancing around the obvious? We all know it. I'm dumb as a post.

Look in my eyes. See the sincerity? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!

Otto, I respect you. You let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus. Damn thing never goes over, does it?

Yeah, but don't say it like that.

Prayer, the last refuge of a scoundrel.

Thanking you in advance, your pal, Bart Simpson.

Whoa! Good morning, world!

I don't know who or what God is exactly. But he's more powerful than Mom and Dad put together. And you owe him big.

Now I know how Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity in 1754. You know, 1754. The famous defeat to the French.

-My God, Bart, you're right! -So? You demonstrated applied knowledge. Such an obscure reference deserves an extra point. It's only fair.

I passed! I got a D minus! I passed! I got a D minus! I passed! l-- Kissed the teacher?!

Thanks, Dad, but part of this D minus belongs to God.

Hitler! / North Dakota?

Hey, what's happening, hepcats? / No way. It's gotta be a fake. It's like reals-ville, daddy-o.

But it was too late. End of story. I heard that in the third grade. It's not scary.

-Here's a story that's scarifying. -Oh, brother.

-Are you my conscience? -I'm-- Yes, I am.

-Sorry, Dad. -Sorry, Bart. -Sorry, Mom.

Eww! Baby spit!

Cool, man!

-That's just Pong! -Get with the times, man.

-Way to go, Lis. -Yeah, thanks, Lisa.

-Wait. That's a schoolbook. -Don't worry, you won't learn anything.

-Are we scared yet? -Bart, he's establishing mood.

You know what's scarier? Anything!

Like Friday the 13th Part I. It's pretty tame by today's standards.

I feel tranquility outweighs catching fish and use nothing

Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

Well, this is my day, and we do, sir

One. Two. Three.

God, we paid for all this ourselves, so thanks for nothing

I'll stick this where the sun don't shine. Oh yeah? And where might that be?

Milhouse, this way, we'll be friends forever.

You heard the lady, Homer. So please mow quietly. Genius at work.

One o'clock. Still just a potato.

Read the bosom part again, Dad.

Get bent.

Give it a name. -What? -Give it a name. -Mr. Putter. -Wanna try a little harder? -Give it a girl's name. -Mom. -It's Charlene.

Piece of cake.

Absolutely. But, Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it?

That crazy Marmaduke. / Eighth hole? / Octopus, third tentacle.

I already prayed, and we can't both win.

Who wants character? Let's quit. -Okay.

Stop fighting with your sister! -She took my glue! -It's not yours! This is family glue!

Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue.

-Who the hell is that? -Bullwinkle. -Who's that? -Underdog. Don't you know anything?

They should use cartoons made in the last 50 years. This is a tradition. If you build a balloon for every cartoon character... you'll turn the parade into a farce.

Cranberry sauce à la Bart.

-This place is depressing. -Hey, I live here! Well, I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it.

-Yikes! What is that? -It's the centerpiece. -It's taking up real estate. -Move it, toots!

I'll take some white meat to go, and send up the pie.

I didn't ruin Thanksgiving, she did. I always get blamed.

Boy, come here. You're a good dog. We don't need them to get a Thanksgiving dinner.

Twelve bucks! Hey, I can bleed.

Here you go, doll face. Okay, Homer. Just relax.

Twelve bucks and a free cookie. What a country.

Viva skid row! Hey, it's that anchor dude from Channel 6.

How long have you been on the streets? Five years. Ha-ha! I didn't apologize!

-Ha-ha! I didn't apologize! Give me the number for 911!

Yeah, there's this family I hang out with. -Sounds pretty sweet. -Yeah, I guess it is.

Guys, unless you feel weird about taking money... from a kid, I thought.... -I wouldn't feel weird. -I'm comfortable with it.

Now we can blame him for everything! -It's your fault I'm bald! -Sorry. -It's your fault I'm old! -Sorry. -It's your fault I can't talk! -Sorry.

It's your fault America has lost its way. -It's all your fault. -I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Jackpot! A sellout crowd at the Super Bowl... Simpson down by six with two seconds left. He's got Simpson in the open. Touchdown, Simpson! The boy nobody wanted just won the Super Bowl!

Jackpot! A sellout crowd at the Super Bowl... Simpson down by six with two seconds left. He's got Simpson in the open. Touchdown, Simpson! The boy nobody wanted just won the Super Bowl!

I don't know. I don't know why I enjoyed it... or why I'll do it again!

I'm sorry, Lisa. -Apology accepted.

-But Truck-a-saurus is one night only! -Cruel fate, why do you mock me?

I reached him. Drive defensively. The best defense is a good offense. Faster, Dad. Truck-a-saurus awaits!

-Give me some nachos, Homer-saurus. -Here, Bart-a-saurus.

Bitchen!

-Dad, I wanna be a daredevil. -Kids say such stupid things.

You're crazy. You'll never make it. Spare me your lectures, ladies.

-Are you all right? -Better than all right. I got stitches! Probably a scar too.

Gnarly! I bet you could toss a body in there and no one would ever find it.

As the only adult here, I feel I should say something. What? Cool!

There's a good chance I'll fall to my death. Hope to see you there!

I can't explain it, but I get the same thrill from jumping stuff... that you do from reading.

I can't explain it, but I get the same thrill from jumping stuff... that you do from reading.

Dad, can you move your head? / I can't. It's broken.

But if you take them away, we'll grow up without humor and be robots. / Really? What kind of robots?

Hey, that's just crazy enough to work.

Because why? / I said so. / You said so why? / I'm trying to work. / What are you doing? / Cataloguing the violence.

Itchy and Scratchy have lost their edge. / It's a nice message of sharing. / I think it sucks.

We went fishing. Almost caught a catfish this big. / I went bird watching and saw a grackle.

Hey, cool. I'm dead!

Snowball! Do not spit over the side.

I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm the devil!

And you were there! And you. And you. And you. You I've never seen before.

We've got a nasty bump on our head. Quit it! And a tiny broken toe. Quit it!

Am I going to die? Yes, son!

Will I ever play baseball again? No!

The only person here who comes close is him. Stop, you're embarrassing me!

You mean like I'm dead? Sure. The kid's a pro.

I was about to be struck by the luxury car of death!

Although sometimes I wish I had been.

If I said no the first time, would I say yes the second time? / Maybe on the ninety-ninth time. / Try me.

Please, Dad? / Okay!

It was like that when I got here! / That's my boy!

We never danced the hootchy-koo either.

Gee, Dad, hog my last moments.

The old guy's a little love-starved.

Do you have to sit so close? It'll hurt your eyes.

Are we talking about the same movie? McBain was a nonstop roller coaster of chills, thrills, spills and kills.

Looks like you lost the patient, doc.

I ain't loving it.

They married, had kids and bought a cheap TV.

I sat through mercy and forgiveness. Finally, we get to the good stuff.

-Are there pirates in hell? -Thousands of them. -Oh, baby!

Hell, hell, hell, hell....

-Ay, carumba! -Bart!

The most beautiful women! Just 50 cents! I'm your host, Bart Simpson! You must be at least 8 years old.

I wish I was an adult so I could break rules.

No way, she's faking. If Lisa stays home, I stay home.

Wait. If Lisa goes to school, I go. But if she stays, I stay, so... Lisa goes to school...

Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps.

Bart-dude! Hey, Otto-man! Yo, hairy bro.

Phonics, functions, vocabulary, remedial reading? Do your own homework, Bart!

I'll set fire to my hair, rip my clothes!

I've suffered at the paws of this dog... but when I look into his vacant eyes, I can't bear to let him go.

If you knew how to learn-- Sit. Wait a minute, you did it!

You son of a bitch! Good show!

Excellent.

Sorry, Principal Skinner. It's a bad connection, I think.

That's cool. Skinner's gonna kill you! Skinner? He works for me now.

Patty. I hate to pull you away from your exercise... but I wanted you to be first to know. I plan to ask your aunt to marry me.

Your funeral.

Bart ate during the blessing! You opened your eyes. Eating is worse. Is not! Is too!

Know where this bastard lives? His parents aren't married. It's the correct word, isn't it? He's got us there.

Lisa, are you the hell-raiser your father told me about? No, I can assure you I'm not. I'm the hell-raiser.

'Uncle Herb' sounds so formal. Do you think you could call me 'Unky Herb'? No problemo, Unky Herb.

Dad? What is it, boy? I thought your car was cool. Thanks, boy. I was waiting for someone to say that.

Grampa smells like that trunk with the wet bottom

Grampa smells like an old man, which is like a hospital hallway

Well....

Series of rejected activity suggestions

Are we in Africa yet?

Choose your corncob. En garde! Challenge accepted!

Give it to us. Bart! Forgive him. He's just a stupid little kid who says the first thing in his head. You know, he is wise.

And I want that baseball card where the guy's flipping the bird.

This is a rather shameless promotion. -Worked on me.

Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? -No. Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? -No!

If I take you, will you two shut up? -Yeah! -Of course! -Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? -Yes!

Kids, I'm moving the seat back. -It is back.

Ay caramba! Okay. Turn on the waterworks, babe. Mommy! I want my mommy!

Step aside. Spread out. Lost kid coming through. Pardon me. Moving to the front. Nice work, babe.

This old attic's kind of spooky, isn't it? I said, isn't it? Don't ever do that again! Okay.

I told you to show support. -Way to go, Dad! -You look marvelous!

And here comes Snowball II. We kept this one. The mother ate the gray one.

Look, this is cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in.

I had a speech, but my dog ate it.

Would you do it? / But where's the principal's office?

He says, there are no easy answers! I say, he's not looking hard enough!

Victory party under the slide!

I demand a re-count. / Two for Martin. Want another re-count?

If just me, Milhouse and Lewis had voted. / Would you have gotten any money for being class president? / No. / Would you have more work? / Yeah.

Hey, thanks, monkey-man.

-I want to hear your witty banter. -You can't have fun in bed. Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better.

-Do that cute thing you do. -What? -That thing you know how to do. -What? Go to bed.

I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

Why do you need a sitter? I'm 10 1/2! -I'll give you a taste of me hand.

In these crazy times... who knows what's right or wrong? My gut's telling me: Bleed Gramps dry.

For the last time, yes!

Big blowout at casa de Simpson. The only adult is frail. Bart's joint. Two-ish. Be there or be square.

-Any chicks over 8? -Not yet, but the afternoon is young.

Thanks for coming. Nice tie, Nelson. It's your dad's.

It's remorse, you burlesque of irrepressible youth. -How do you make it go away? -Grab a brush... and clean faster than you ever have before.

I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich. -Hey, they do look alike. -How did Richie die?

He knocks a guy into the sun and says, 'Hot enough for you?'

-Who are you dressed as? -I'm Bartman. -Never heard of him, full price. -Rip-off.

That's Radioactive Man, jerk!

The guy who played Fallout Boy on TV? I guess he wasn't killed in Vietnam.

Does Dirk Richter's ghost haunt the bordello where his body was found?

But I must. I never knew why God put me on this Earth. Now, I know. To buy that comic book.

You really are a sport, Dad, taking us to a fine restaurant like that.

-Okay! -I win! In your face! Yeah! How do you like them apples?

-She means you should get a job. -Me?

I didn't realize it, but a part of my childhood had slipped away, forever.

-Shall I apply this to the cost of a squishy? -No. I need the dime.

All those coins were worth three cents? Let the good times roll.

Form a line. Cheap beer and a sympathetic ear.

-You got a liquor license? -My dog ate it.

My beer, my beer, my beautiful beer!

-No, thanks. -Boys love candy!

-She doesn't have anybody. -There's a reason.

I'll sludge you, you old bat.

Some old lady thing nobody's heard about for 50 years?

No, not the iodine. Burn the germs off with a torch. Amputate my arm. But not the--

-Here we are, two quarters. -Two quarters?

MoonPies, my butt.

-Really? -No.

I'd have thought an atomic bomb would kill him. -Now you know better.

I'll take 1 to 3, Milhouse will have 4 to 6... and Bart will take 7 to 9. -Wait a minute, what about zero?

Nice try. It almost worked, but tonight the comic book stays here.

-What do you mean, the last one alive? -I meant years from now!

Well, nobody makes a sap out of Bartholomew J. Simpson.

-Tell him what we do with squealers. -It's worse than when you have to pee?

It's not that far to the ground. The rains probably softened it up.

-What's your point? -Nothing. It just ticks me off.

I don't have to give blood. I have rights. Yeah, the right to remain silent.

You know 'Hercules and the Lion'? Is it a Bible story? Probably.

How did a lion get rich? It was the olden days!

You are a senile, bucktoothed old mummy... with bony girl arms and you smell like.... An elephant's butt? An elephant's butt.

Think very carefully. Where did you see it last? The last place I saw it... was in my hand... as I was shoving it into the mailbox.

D'oh! Why did you do that? There were things that had to be said. And I know you. There was no guarantee you'd still be mad this morning.

But don't other people have mail? So they won't get letters. You know the letters people write. 'Dear somebody... how is so-and-so? Blah, blah, blah. Yours truly, Some Bozo.' Big loss.

Give a fake name. Homer Simpson.

Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch. Hold on, I'll check. Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?

Wow! A crowbar! It's to open the crate, stupid.

Wow! A big, ugly head! D'oh!

I guess the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded. Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that letter... we would've gotten nothing. Well.... The moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Perhaps there is no moral. Exactly! Just stuff that happened.

Dad died. / No, no, he's fine. / What do you know? / I'm relieved.

Everything changes when you hit the big 1-0. Your legs go. Candy doesn't taste as good.

This old-timer does ramble on sometimes.

I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me.

Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle. You did this to me!

Are you quick to anger? Bart, shut up or I'll shut you up! Yes.

Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.

If you're really Michael Jackson... who were your last four Grammy dates? Brooke Shields, Diana Ross, Emmanuel Lewis and Bubbles.

You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you? Hmm... lobotomy.

Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff'em, we stuff'em.

Can you keep a secret? No. Michael Jackson... is coming to my house!

Wow! Little meat loaf men!

No, thank you. I'd rather push this button. Oops! - No! - We're all gonna die!

Hey, I call first bedsies. - Bart, there's no such thing as first bedsies. You just made that up.

'On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to-back 300 games.' - Yeah, right.

Cool! A ruckus.

TV gives so much and asks so little. It's a boy's best friend.

See, you knock TV, and then it helps you out. I think you owe somebody a little apology.

I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchukus?

Pay money to read books. The hell with this.

We learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him before he dies

You ate my homework? I didn't know dogs really did that.

But I'm only five... 10, 20... 40 minutes? That's pretty damn late.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes for the P.T.A. You're making me lick envelopes?

Licking envelopes can be fun. Just make a game of it. What kind of game? Well, see how many you can lick in an hour. Then try to break that record. Sounds like a pretty crappy game.

Tan I doe now? What? 'Tan... I... doe... now?'

Aaaaah! Ugh!... Aah!... Unh!... Son of a b... Oof!. What next? Uh-oh.

Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it good. Eat my shorts. Eat My Shorts.

Hey, wait a minute, you little punk! That's the fifth race. I said the third race. Don't have a cow. Don't Have a Cow in the third. Put a deuce on him.

What does it pay? Thirty bucks a week. I make more than that.

Bart! Have you started smoking? No. Don't lie to me, boy. Uh-huh! Cigarettes. Just as I thought. My boss said his warehouse was full. Yeah, right.

Bart, um... is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family? No. For a large starving family is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread? Uh-uh. And what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes. I guess that's okay.

Give me three fingers of milk, Ma.

You're engaged in speculation. I know the law. You can't prove anything.

Reverend Lovejoy! You've come to comfort me? / Yes, Bart. There, there. / Kill my boy.

Lionel Hutz, attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... murder one! Wow. Even if I lose I'll be famous.

Get bent. I deserve that.

I used to think your gang was cool... but now I learned that crime doesn't pay. / Yeah, you're right.

When do we get the check for this? They changed it just enough so they don't have to pay us. You know who the real crooks are-- those sleazy Hollywood producers.

Whenever you want to talk to me... call me on the phone... and tell me to turn on my walkie-talkie

Now we're even for your party

Let's go throw rocks at that hornets' nest

Our dad! Now he belongs to the ages

I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. Now I know for sure. Get bent. Bart Simpson.

Bart, wipe your feet. Why bother? They'll just get dirty again.

Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Don't worry. I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

Milhouse, know any 'knock, knock' jokes?

I have no son! Great, we came all this way, and it's the wrong guy. I didn't mean that literally!

Yiddle, my man, you're a genius. I love my work.

Just get us another bowl of complimentary pickles.

What's the one thing rabbis prize above everything else? Those stupid hats?

The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution... but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is after thousands of years... of holding on and fighting... they finally made it.

The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution... but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is after thousands of years... of holding on and fighting... they finally made it.

Every day, same old cat. I'll make him more interesting. Much better. Oh, good, the curtains are on fire.

Much better. Oh, good, the curtains are on fire.

You got it. Oh! Hey, hey. Oh, oh. Thanks, boy. I love you, Dad. I love you, son.

How hard can it be? Hey, Dad, here's one. $28 an hour, plenty of fresh air... and you get to meet lots of interesting people. Ooh, what job is that? Grave digger.

You were crushing me. I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.

I'd like to open with my impression of... Principal Skinner.

Duh, look at me. I'm Principal Skinner.

I wonder what lunch lady Doris has for us today. / Today's special is refried... dog poop.

Wait! Where's the hyperspace? / Grandpa, you're the spaceship. / I thought I was this guy.

If stuff starts flying just turn your head. Check.

As three-time derby champ Ronnie Beck says... 'Poorly guarded construction sites are a gold mine.'

That sounds too complicated. Okay, don't use reverse psychology. All right, I will.

Ay, caramba!

As three-time soap box derby champion Ronnie Beck says... 'Gravity is my copilot.'

It's slow, it's ugly, it handles like a shopping cart.

When did I teach you that? I picked it up somewhere.

What did I just tell you? Kill spectators.

Mom, I never won before. I may never win again. Na-na, na-na-na

Who can sleep with those five evil hens cackling and plotting against me?

Who? Mom and dad. Jinx! #You can't talk till somebody says your name #

Because I'm jinxed, damn it!... Ow!

The inventor I admire is not a rich man or a famous man, or even a smart man. He's my father, Homer Simpson creator of... # Dun-da-da-dah # The Flaming Homer!

I'm looking for a friend. Last name: Jazz. First name: Hugh. Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh Jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh Jazz. Uh... hi. Who's this? Bart Simpson. What can I do for you? This is a crank call that backfired and I'd like to bail out right now. Better luck next time.

Wow! 5,200 smackers!

- Oww! - Come on, everybody. It makes you feel better.

Instead of buying comic books, I read them in the store.

That's because I forgot to stamp it!

Your mother just broke her leg

I smell a bun in the oven

You're a machine, Homer

For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings. Doesn't Mom do that? Yeah, but I hear about it.

I threw up more than your mother

I thought it was over. You had a problem turning blades. You overcame it. The feel-good story of the year.

Can we have a can of frosting for lunch?

Dad, this is $110. - Oh. Sorry.

Take a message. Right now, I'm off to hit 46 local merchants... for free birthday... goods and services.

I'm here for my free birthday sundae. Eat it and get out.

Hell, no. - You got it.

Next.

People of Earth, this is Bartron-- commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. We have captured your president. He was delicious.

Sorry, lady. Show's over.

I dreamed I was married to Corey... and we lived on a pony farm... and Corey was always walking around... with his shirt off. Oh, brother.

Rod, Tod, this is God. How did you get on the radio? What do you mean? I created the universe, stupid kids.

Help me, please. I fell down the well! I'll get help, laddie. A little nip of courage.

Out of my way! Look out, you horse's arse! Sucker.

How does that make him a hero? Well, it's more than you did.

When they find out you've been fooling them... they're gonna want to cut you up with rusty razors. And how are they going to find out? The police will catch you. The police couldn't catch a cold.

Maybe not, but you're stupid enough... to have left a 'Bart Simpson' label... on that radio. D'oh!

Help! I fell down the well. Tell us something we don't know.

Look, I'll level with you. There is no Timmy O'Toole. It was just a prank I was playing on everybody. Well, you sure fooled us, kid. Hey, I got an idea for a prank. Let's go home... and go to sleep. Good one, Eddie.

I brought you your Krusty doll. Ow! Knock it off, you bald boob! Don't make me come down there! Like to see you fit. Why, you little...!

smoke a cigarette... use a fake I.D.... shave a swear word in my hair--

Even though I'd love to spend... this sunny afternoon trying on clothes, it's not...

That's because people who wear them get beaten up.

Oh, this sucks. Come on, snipers, where are you?

You-Hate-Dad by a touchdown.

Overwhelming morning chaos with multiple demands

No way. Never happen.

You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked.

Ay, caramba.!

I said it before, and I'll say it again. Ay, caramba.!

I think I speak... for everyone in this bed... when I say you have nothing to worry about.

She's beautiful.

These guys must be millionaires. I'll bet they get all kinds of girls.

That's your trick? No. Here's my trick. Hoowah!

A little something I call 'Plucking the Pickle.'

I didn't do it.

One plus one equals two?

My name is... Woodrow.

I'm starting to get the hang of the floor waxer.

I'm the 28th president of the United States.

You've got a date with the Xerox machine.

Whoa, slow down, Frenchy. This stuff is gold.

Ay, caramba!

How about 'Crocodiles bit off my face'?

It's such a nice day today. Let's have detention outside. It's a date.

What's that? A homemade bat? It's something very special-- a homemade bat.

Now that you're older, I can tell you that's a crock. No matter how good you are... there's always a million people better. Gotcha-- Can't win, don't try.

Gotcha-- Can't win, don't try.

We've seen it, Dad.

Before I saw these test results, I had you pegged a drifter.

Wow. A drifter. Lousy sheriff. Run me out of town. He's lost my vote.

It's called a baton, son. What's it for? We club people... with it.

Hmm, umm, hmm...

take a look at these surveillance photos.

Ay, caramba.!

You got yourself a narc.

Madre de Dios.! The legends were true!

Notice the identical elongated loops on the D's. Forgery!

So he didn't have leprosy.

400 days. I can do that standing on my head. All right, 500 days. Ooh! Big man! 600 days.

when you do... I'll be right there to borrow money.

What's Lisa's birthday? What? You don't know your sister's birthday?

Bank it. Give it to the poor. What do kids know about spending money?

If you were 17, we'd be rich. But no, you had to be ten.

Lousy, dog-killing son-of-a-- Well, it will be okay. We'll get him a new dog-- one with an untwistable stomach.

Lousy chub night. Hey, how come... he gets meat and we don't? You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly snouts and entrails. Mmm... snouts.

He's got all the money in the world... but there's one thing he can't buy. What's that? A dinosaur.

We're getting a lot of sparks here, Dad. / Uh-huh. Easy. Easy. Perfect. All right, everybody, out the window.

Country music sucks. It takes precious air space from shock deejays... whose cruelty and profanity amuse us all.

My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes. / Gross!

Don't have a stegosaurus, man.

Cool, he can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.

Aah! It's Sideshow Bob!

Don't be a fool. That man is scum. - Then call me 'Mrs. Scum.'

Bart no like. Bad medicine.

Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father.

After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom and we were on our way!

Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket. It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe comics.

They were only on for 20 minutes. What a gyp.

I'd like to play me latest chart topper. It's called... ''Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs.''

Slag off. You've changed, man. It used to be about the music. I said slag off!.

Hey, Simpson... what are you trying to play? ''Polly-wolly Doodle.'' Oh, yeah? Well, it sounds Polly-wolly crappy.

Where's Otto? That's one palindrome you won't be hearing for a while.

Otto man? You're living in a Dumpster? Oh, man, I wish. Dumpster brand trash bins are top-of-the-line. This is just a Trash-co waste disposal unit.

Mom, I thought... you might forget... our conversation this afternoon... so I took the precaution of recording it. What conversation? Mom, can Otto live in our garage? He sure can.

He didn't call you a bum. He called you a sponge. Sponge?! Does this look like something a sponge would do?! I'll show him... who's a sponge.

Will... I get beat up today? ''All signs point to yes.'' That ball knows everything.

Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts living off Uncle Sucker?

Boring.

Eww! She's faking it.

No, but my sister's got a wide selection of crappy comics.

Next, your Mickey Mantle for my picture of Homer on the couch.

Samantha and Milhouse sitting in a tree About to lose their privacy

Let's just say I'm concerned prude with lot of time on his hands.

Well, 'tis better to have loved and lost... yatta, yatta, yatta.

Five fingers? Ooh-- Freak show!

You cry when they're out of chocolate milk. You cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.

You cry when they're out of chocolate milk. You cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.

They all look alike to me. Now, let's go whip donuts at old people.

We were sitting on the couch when we heard a creaking noise. We leapt off just in time to see it collapse. There, there. You're safe now, little sister.

1150 bones. That's all I got. Broke again, eh, Herb? Just like in real life. I guess you're just not much of a businessman.

We should get a machine gun. We could hunt game, spell out things... or ring in the new year.

Can I get armor-piercing, cyanide-tipped bullets? It's in the Constitution.

Oh, no, Mrs. Krabappel. If I don't get a 'C' average, my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty. Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right.

Much obliged, doll!

Wake up, boy. [Groans, Gasps] I dreamt it was the last day of school. Well, it is. Oh, how do I know this isn't some beautiful dream too?

You know, a pinch is more traditional. [Loud Gobbling, Belching]

Remember, when you see my report card, they got this new grading system this year. It now goes, 'D,' 'B,' 'A,' 'C.'

I'd also like to add, as I gaze upon your beauty... I've never seen an angel fly so low. Forget it, short pants.

All right! Three whole months of Spaghetti Os and daytime TV!

You bet. Check out this hand. All aces. [Laughing] A-plus!

You don't think much of me, do you, boy? No, sir. You know, a 'D' turns into a 'B' so easily. You just got greedy.

Thanks, son. Now, you've got little hands. Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate? [Engine Starts] Phew. Never mind.

I'm gonna swim 'nekkid.' You're what? Ah, sure, there'll be a couple of up-tight counselors... who won't dig the Bart philosophy... but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty.

Hey, hands off my pickle! I don't see your name on it, boy. No, but-- Oh, yeah? Check... mate! Always thinking two moves ahead.

Don't look in my closet. In fact, stay out of my room altogether. If the pets die, don't replace them. I'll know!

This is a little more rustic than I expected. I'm not worried, Lise. You know why? Because of this. The Krusty Brand Seal of Approval.

I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. We're all gonna die, Lise. I meant soon. So did I.

Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty's coming. But I am far more pessimistic.

Lisa, I've been thinking it over. Next summer, I'm getting a job. [Moaning]

See? I told you Krusty would come. Just like I said. He's gonna bring us food and water, and smite our enemies!

That's not Krusty the Clown! [Kids Gasping] What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? [Nervous Laughing] I mean, I-- Yeah, Bart. I am so Krunchy the Clown! [Belches]

All right. That's it. I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight! And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far!

My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom! [Cheering] [Slurping] Ahh! Sweet, nourishing gruel!

Kowalski! My brownies! Wiggum! A change of underwear! Crandall! My insulin!

Bart! You said you were gonna name it Camp Freedom! Aah, this has more zing. I dub thee Sir-- Urgent call for Mr. Clown.

I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. Can I say 'crappy' on TV? Yes, on this network, you can.

Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export. And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! [Sobbing] Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God!

Kids, back me up. - He's right, Mom. - Sorry. Match point-- Homer.

Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?

An' I'll talk like 'is. Bob's yer uncle, mate.

Cool. She can fly.

Lookin' for a spot off un with the missus, hey, guv'nor?

'Resting' hungover, 'resting' got fired? Help me out here.

I mean, isn't God everywhere? Amen, brother.

And what if we pick the wrong religion? Every week we're just making God madder and madder. Testify!

Stupid party. Wish we was trick-or-treating.

That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! E-E-Evil! Grampa, you said that about all the presents. I just want attention.

Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary... you'll wet your pants. Too late.

Man, he's just not trying anymore.

Cullen. Rayburn. Narz. Trebek. Zabar, Kresge, Caldor, Wal-Mart!

Please, Lise, they prefer to be called 'the living impaired.'

Did you wreck the car? No. Did you raise the dead? Yes! But the car's okay? Uh-huh. All right, then.

What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad? - Poisoned pizza.

[Flatulent Noise] - [Gasps]

Over the lips and past the gums-- look out dentures, here I come.

Boy, time really flies when you're reading-- The Bible? Ew.

Yeah, right. Like you're gonna let me go hungry. I'll be eating that pizza in five minutes.

I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food quick! - I'm a-comin', boy!

Don't tell your mother, but I brought you some pizza. Just promise me you'll try to be good. - I promise. - That-a-boy.

[Chuckling] Sucker.

Indeed I did. [Goats bleating] D'oh! Hey, you goats get out of here!

Or you could let me go play with Milhouse... while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms.

Can't you just give me a spanking? Come on. Go nuts.

I regret nothing!

TV sucks. - I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that!

No matter how good a movie is, it can't compare... to the imagination of a small boy.

Which one's the mouse? - Itchy. - Itchy's a jerk.

Boring!

Cool.

Bart, have you ever read 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf'? I'm halfway through it! I swear!

My ovaries!

Boy cries 'wolf,' has a few laughs. I forget how it ends.

Well, I'm not sure I'm over it. Shove it, witch. [Barking]

Tourette's syndrome. [Barking]

She must think you're after her eggs. I only ate one!

'Ivanhoe is the story of a Russian farmer and his tool.'

There was no wolf. I faked the whole thing. I'm just gonna lie on the floor now. Please don't let me swallow my tongue.

You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house? - Jimbo killed him? - No, but he poked him with a stick.

Hello, I'd like to speak to Miss Tinkle, first name... Ivana. Ivana Tinkle. just a sec. Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle! All right, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle.

Bart! That car belonged to Bonnie and Clyde. Show a little respect

Dad, that's not the real Batman. Of course I'm Batman. - See, here's a picture of me with Robin. - Who the hell's Robin?

[Together] Old Man Winter! [Cackling] That's right. I fill your driveways with ice and snow. What are you gonna do about it? Nothin'. That's what

You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow? Shut up, boy

Can you say 'get bent'?

Mr. Rogers says it all the time.

Shove it. Shove it.

You better say something, or they'll think you're stupid. Takes one to know one! Swish!

¡Aye carumba!

Domer. [Chuckles]

Why, you little-- [Homer strangles Bart]

They had 30 sons and 30 daughters. What were their names? Dennis, Brianna... Mavis, Brad--

What were their names? [Groans] Dennis, Brianna... Mavis, Brad--

Got your nose. Got your wallet.

Bye-bye, keys. [Flushing] [Yelling]

Who did this? - Baby. Bad baby.

I wish we lived in the kitty house. I could've trained them to be my unholy army of the night. Go, my pretties. Kill! Kill!

So how long before you shipped Grampa off to the old folks' home? About three weeks.

Hey, Homer, this house sucks. Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me 'Daddy'.

Coochy coochy coo! - Krusty funny. - Duh.

Crib! Crib! I'm a baby!

Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.

I wanna go home. - No, I don't.

Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa? I hate you.

Who's cuter now?

Bart. You can talk! Say it again, Lise. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. I'm her first word!

Say it again, Lise. - Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. - I'm her first word!

You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.

Hey, Lise, there was a big train wreck last night. Do you wanna see the victims? - Hmm, okay. - Yaah! - Bart, that's gross! - You're right. Let's bury them at sea. Bleah!

Son, they call it a 'droodle.' Whoo-hoo! Look at it go!

Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation. We feel neither highs nor lows. Really? What's it like? Eh.

What if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while.

Bart, the saddest thing about this is I won't get to see you grow up... [Whispering] I know you're gonna turn out great, with or without your old man. Thanks, Dad. And Lisa... [Whispering] I guess this is the time to tell you-- [Whispering] you're adopted and I don't like you. Bart!

Bart, we'll do anything you want. just call off your giant mechanical ants! Aah! [Laughing Evilly]

Like a giant billboard that says, 'No fat chicks'? No!

But Main Street's still all cracked and broken. Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

You know, I used to think you were stuck... in an emasculating, go-nowhere job. [Chuckles] Kids. But now, I wanna follow in your footsteps. Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? Dad, you're a hero. Yes, son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.

Well, my work is done here. What do you mean, Your work is done? You didn't do anything. Didn't I?

Now, what do we say when we get to the ticket booth? 'We're under six.' And I'm a college student.

[Throaty Voice] Don't worry about it. [Screaming]

To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself. That's the spirit.

This is a disgrace. Settle down. Anything this bad has to be educational.

You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses!

Dad, hide your shame! - Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle. - Shutup, Flanders.

My name is Bart Simpson and I don't have a father.

Don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup.

Who the hell is Pepi? He's my little brother. That's right. You're not the only one who can abuse a nonprofit organization.

I was fakin' it. - Liar! - Remember this? 'Higher, Dad. Higher. Whee! Whee! Push harder, Dad.' - Hey, stop that.

You know, the whale is not really a fish. They're mammals, like you and me. Is that true? No.

Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, 'I'm a hemophiliac' and when he let you go you kicked him in the back?

And then when he's lying out on the ground-- Yeah? Kick him in the ribs. Yeah? Step on his neck. Yeah? And run like hell.

You're next, Chester A. Arthur!

Why are you saying that? / Just screwin' with your mind.

Soitenly. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Over, under, in and out. That's what shoe tying's all about.

Huh? / [Distorted] No!

Oh! A wise guy, eh? / Ow! Ow! Ow!

She'll pay for this. I'm gonna crush her like this pellet. / Ow! Ow! Ow!

To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish-- / Got it. / D'oh!

Can hamsters fly planes?

That is one evil dude. It's just a movie, son. There's nobody that evil in real life.

Cool! She'll be a freak. We can stick her in a trailer, drive her around the South and charge two bits a gander.

Wow! I'm in pizza-face paradise! Moron.

Bart, how could you shock your little sister? My finger slipped-- Ahh! So did mine-- [Yelps] Bart, Lisa, stop that!

Don't worry. They're building to something.

Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Probably not.

Lie in the snow and count to 60.

opens a box of flesh-eating ants... and the rest writes itself.

Look, there's only one reasonable way to settle this-- rock, paper, scissors.

Poor, predictable Bart. Always takes rock. Good old rock. Nothing beats that.

He let those guys use his checkbook for a whole year.

Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants? I don't know!

Dad, whatever you say... you know you'll always have my love and respect. I never graduated from high school. [Laughing] [Choking]

I'll never watch an awards show again. Unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved.

Hey, what do you think he meant by that 'fools' remark? Aw, who cares? Time to get me a mountain bike.

Come on, Bart. Ride me. I better not. [Imitating Chicken] He's insulting both of us.

Why, that looks like a 50-cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it. [Yelling] Seems to be caught... between these two flowers. [More Yelling]

[Laughing] [Maniacal Laughter] Aw.

I learned how many drams in a pennyweight. I got expelled. That's my boy. [Gulping] Mmm, beer. What?

Now, Bart, Since you're new here... perhaps you'd favor us with a psalm. How about 'Beans, beans, the musical fruit'?

We'd like you to try this new diet cola. We call it 'Nature's Goodness.' What's in it? 2-4 desoxypropenuramine.

Sweet. Pleasing taste. Some 'monsterism.'

[Ringing Shrilly] [Both Scream] I think I'll unplug that.

Is that story true, Grampa? Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the '40s.

It's about a boy who goes to war. His hand is deformed in an accident. Deformed? Why didn't you say so? They should call this book 'Johnny Deformed.'

The enemy surrounded the fort and said that if the captain was sent out... the rest would be spared. What did they do? They sent him out. Was he killed? And how. That's why they call it Fort Sensible.

Hey, wait a minute. That was the same day he was at Ticonderoga. How could he be in two places at once?

Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphine?

Don't worry, Mom. I'll bust you out of there... just as soon as I get a cocktail dress and a crowbar.

A pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.

We'll just sweep it all under the rug.

All he needs is a hook. I'm a bad widdle boy. ¡Aycarumba!

Now let's throw some crud on it. Hey, it's 4:00.

What the hell is that?

I can't believe it. He stole this bit from Krusty! Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen. Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart. Yes, they do. No, they don't. Yes, they do. No, they don't. Dad! Yes, they do. Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.

I didn't know you knew Luke Perry! [Scoffs] Know him? He's my worthless half-brother. He's a big TV star. Yeah, on Fox.

You pigs! [Panting] Oh, no! Bette Midler! [Grunting] [Yelling] Now, where were we? We were asking you to appear on Krusty's Komeback Special. Okay. Tell Krusty he can count me in.

Smart Bunnies, Hef. I can call you Hef, can't I? No.

Hey, Moe, look over there. What? What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon. What? What, is that it? Hey, Moe, can I look too? Sure, but it'll cost ya. My wallet's in the car. He is so stupid.

That's all right, Krusty. We're getting 50% of the T-shirt sales. What? That's the sweetest plum! You little-- Aw, what the hell. You deserve it. Thanks, kids.

Joseph of Aramathea! Twenty-six conversions in A.D. 46!

Whoa! A Methuselah rookie card! Who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun?

Religion? Learning? Let's get outta here!

Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago. No, really. I can't. It's a serious problem.

What are we all laughing about? Who cares?

One of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire. [Tire Blows] D'oh!

Have you seen Bart? I stuck him somewhere. [Clanking] Look what I got for you, Dad.

What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus? All the time. It was the title of our second album.

'I'm going to kill you.'

But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace.

Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years? Linda Lavin? No, someone who didn't deserve it.

I'll be Gus, the loveable chimney sweep. Clean as a whistle. Sharp as a thistle. Best in all Westminster. Yeah!

Hey, kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? Yeah! Yeah! No! Whoop, two against one.

Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife.

Oh, no, Dad's been drugged. No, he hasn't.

Well, you have such a beautiful voice. Guilty as charged. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the H.M.S. Pinafore.

I knew I had to buy some time... so I asked him to sing the score from the H.M.S. Pinafore. Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its intricacies.

College? Ha! Barber or clown?

My purpose in life is to witness this moment.

Wow! They'll never let us show that again, not in a million years!

Hey, it's a teddy bear! Ew, gross. It's probably diseased or something. Here, Maggie.

No! Let's send Burns the eye in the mail. He'll pay more money if he thinks the bear's in danger.

Bart, you should warn people this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that War of the Worlds broadcast on N.P.R., hmm?

The 'School Bus'? Oh! Oh! They must mean the 'Ghoul Bus.' Nope. It says right there, 'School Bus.' Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school.

Oh! Oh! They must mean the 'Ghoul Bus.' Nope. It says right there, 'School Bus.' Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school.

Krusty poses for trading card photo. Hmm. He seems to be running a little low on ideas. Well, at least you got the gum. Oww! I cut my cheek!

Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer. I heard that! It was the boy!

Lisa, Burns isn't a vampire. And even if he was, we're not gonna stumble on his secret hiding place.

Big deal. It's no different from the basement in Grampa's rest home.

Please, Bart. I've seen your stupid Shemp. Yeah, I've seen your Curly too.

I know I really shouldn't, but when am I gonna be here again? Whee!

Uh, Dad, that's his crotch. Oh, sorry.

How can you do this, Marge? How can you desert your children? Have a blast, Mom. Rock the Casbah.

I always knew someday Mom would violently rise up and cast off the shackles of our male oppressors. Aw, shut your yap.

Dad, this one gesture almost makes up for years of shaky fathering.

A human going! Bart, be quiet.

[Snorts] Earth to boring guy.

Lise, today I am a god. Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich?

Skateboards? You copycat wannabes. Ow! Eat my shorts, young man.

Here, boy. In here. Huh? Hold on, Son. [Engine Puttering] So long, suckers. Damn. They're very slowly getting away.

No es bueno

Winners don't use drugs. Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh!

This is wearin' a bit thin. You think so?

Our prayers have been answered.

One that's made entirely out of syrup. Entirely ou-- [Gasps]

An all-syrup Super-Squishy? Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done. Just make it happen.

Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What'll we do? Let's go crazy Broadway-style!

Springfield, Springfield It's a helluva town / The school yard's up and the shopping mall's down

New York is thataway, man. Thanks, kid.

Oh, no! I must have joined the Junior Campers. The few, the proud, the geeky.

Boy! A man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things.

I've made my bed, and now I've gotta weasel out of it.

Oh, no. Woe is me. My precious uniform. Oh.

Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I'd like to stay... but this uniform carries certain responsibilities.

Hello, alternative to testing.

Oh, cool. A 'spork.' Don't hurt me!

'Don't do what Donny Don't does.' They could've made this clearer.

Rubber knife? This place is for wimps.

The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy should've tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend.

Howdilly-hey, Camper Bart! Ready for today's meeting? You know-dilly know it, Neddy. Okilly-dokilly.

Look. Homer won't wanna go. So just ask him, and he'll say no. I don't wanna go. So if he asks me to go, I'll just say yes.

Bart, I'd be delighted to go on your trip with you. D'oh!

I bet they're having the time of their life. [Deliverance banjo music]

The foul stench of death is upon us! Mmm! Hamburger.

The beauty of it is each parking space is a mere one foot narrower-- indistinguishable to the naked eye... but therein lies the game.

Bart laughing sinisterly

Uh-- Um-- Hmm? Uh-- [Grunting] Mmm-- Uh--

You mean it ain't me noggin', it's me peepers? Oh, well, that's just 'loverly.'

My voice is crazy with this spraying already. Oy, I feel so much better, Mr. Medical Science-type Person.

[Gasps] I'm a nerd! [Gasps] So am I!

Gentlemen, the nerd you knew is dead. Beat me, and you will be beating one of your own.

Gentlemen, the nerd you knew is dead. Beat me, and you will be beating one of your own.

Lisa, just because you're 10 feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do. - I'm Bart. - Give me those.

Whoo-hoo! Jackpot. Wait a minute! Are you over 21? - Are you? - I'm not authorized to answer that.

By the way, your martinis suck! - Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? Start your own casino in your tree house and get your little friends to come? I'd like to see that!

You gotta improvise, Lisa. Cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust-- Mmm!

[Screams] Bogeyman! - You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun.

Homer: 'You had a stamp collection?'

Stamp collection? Ha-ha! / Ohh. Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't.

It's not just 'a megaphone,' Dad. It's a Rapmaster 2000.

Jawohl, mein Mommandant.

Ah, Lise, won't it be great to cast off the shackles of the soul-crushing hellhole that is Springfield Elementary? Oh! I'm sorry. I forgot. Your class isn't going.

Hush, field trip boy! Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize. How ironic.

Damn TV! You've ruined my imagination just like you've ruined my ability to-- to, um-- uh-- Oh, well.

Do any of these boxes have candy in 'em? No. Will they ever? No. We only make boxes to ship nails.

Any of your workers had their hands cut off by machinery? No. And then the hand started crawling around and tried to strangle everybody? No, that has never happened. Any popped eyeballs?

I gotta get out of here. Aha! The perfect escape.

Bart questions 'Yoink?' - confusion at Kent's made-up exclamation

I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail. Oh, I-- I reunited you with your estranged father. Uh, I don't, uh-- I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special? Yeah, well, what have you done for me lately?

I got you that Danish. And I'll never forget it.

Wow! A big clown hankie. It's a towel, you yutz! I want you to wash it. You're my new assistant.

I've got a weekend job helping the poor, and I'm only eight. That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!

Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job. Gig, Son. When you're a musician, a job is called a gig.

I'm tellin' ya. I do work on the Krusty Show. Look at the credits. There's my name, right there-- Bart Simpson. Looks more like 'Brad Storch.' No, it says, 'Betty.' 'Betty Symington.'

It's okay, Son. Who cares what a bunch of fourth-graders think? You're doing what you want to do with your life. Nothin' else matters. Thanks, Dad. That's great advice. Yep. Well, that's what got me where I am today. Oh.

Yes, Krusty? Bart, I need to get your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory chop-chop.

Bart! I need to use you in a sketch. You want me to be on the show? It's just one line. Mel's supposed to say it, but he's dead. Dead? Or sick. I don't know. I forget.

I didn't do it.

Don't move, dude. This is totally a gun. I didn't do it.

'Just do the line.' 'Just do the line.' What's gonna happen to me?

I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

Woozle wozzle? What the-- That's what passes for entertainment these days? Woozle wozzle?

What happened? Oh, don't worry about that. You're just finished, that's all. Finished? It happens all the time. That's show business for you. One day, you're the most important guy who ever lived. The next day, you're some schmo working in a box factory.

I heard that! Boy, show business is kind of cruel, isn't it?

You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy. Thanks, Mom. And now you can go back to just being you instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. D'oh! Ay, caramba! Hidilly-ho! Ha-ha! Excellent.

-Just what I was gonna say. - [Growls, Grunts]

Yeah. You made us march in that Gay Rights Parade.

And we can't watch Fox, 'cause they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

'Wendy Windbag'? 'Ugly Doris'? 'Hortense, the Mule-Faced Doll'?

I can't stand this any longer. Somebody please pay attention to me! Hello! Pay attention to me. Look at me! I'm Bart, I'm Bart.

Well, we respect you. [Lisa, Bart Laughing]

Make it stop! No, not another boring space launch. Change the channel! Change the channel! I can't! I can't!

Bart, do you have something nice to say to your father? [Squeaking] Nah, he knows how I feel.

Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer. 'Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center.'

Why am I such a loser? Why? Well, your father was a loser, and his father, and his father. It's genetic, man.

Dad and Ned Flanders friends? Heh. What's next? A's on Bart's report card? Hey!

The Flanders are a bunch of geeks, man. The 'Flandereses' are not geeks!

We got a tip from a six-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.

Hey, Clinton, get back to work. Make me.

KBBL is gonna give me something stupid.

Well, all that money sounds mighty tempting, Marty... but I think I'm gonna have to go with the elephant.

Stick it to the man.

Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant?

Thanks, bud. Appreciate it.

You'll have to raise my allowance to about $1,000 a week. Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.

Then, if I know my geography, it's just 12 miles to Africa.

I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.

Hello, Mr.-- Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick.

Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas Day. I was talking to him.

We want to get the old people smell out before we move in. Dad, Mr. Burns hasn't passed away yet.

How can you be here when your show's on live? Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference.

Mr. Burns's house has everything-- a hedge maze, a moat, bleached hardwood floors and a bottomless pit.

It couldn't possibly be bottomless. For all intents and purposes.

Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers. Ow! That was a big one!

Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs.

Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here.

Oh, go eat some flowers! [Screams] My secret shame.

Mom, you're always trying to give me potatoes. What is it with you? - I just think they're neat.

What has four legs and ticks? - A walking clock? - A walking clock! I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.

You're doing it wrong! You gotta pet him hard so he can feel it.

I thought I'd be jumping for joy the day Skinner left... but now all I have is this weird, hot feeling in the back of my head. - That's guilt.

Ned Flanders actually eliminated detention... and put the whole school on the honor system? - Yeah. The teachers are afraid to leave the faculty lounge.

but they might have been saying 'skim milk.' - Yeah, yeah.

Not only am I not learnin'... I'm forgettin' stuff I used to know.

Oh! How can they imprison kids in school on a beautiful day like this?

Prison bus, Otto? - The regular school bus broke down. So take a seat before I blow your heads off! - Otto! - Oh, sorry. This bus and I have sort of a Shining thing going on.

Hey, Huck, what's L-I-N-C-O-N doing here? I don't know. It's your fantasy. - Hi, Abe. - Hello, Bart.

Please excuse my handwriting. I busted whichever hand it is I write with. Signed, Mrs. Simpson.

My fantasy's come true!

Look, if I was under 17, I'd be in school, right? Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy Boob-A-Rama, sir.

Can't let Dad see me playing hooky! Can't let the boy see me skippin' work. Good afternoon. How do you do, sir? Sucker!

Oh, my God! He is like some sort of... non-giving up... school guy.

And who are you, little boy? I'm one of your nephews you don't see very often, uh, Bart-Bart.

Hey, McBain, I'm a big fan, but your last movie really sucked. I know. There were script problems from day one. Yeah, I'll say. Magic ticket my ass, McBain.

Wow! This is the biggest Rice Krispy square I've ever seen. Boy, the rich sure know how to live.

But Freddy Quimby's innocent! How do you know? There weren't any witnesses. Oh, yeah. Right. You'd think someone would've seen something at a crowded party like that. Well, they didn't, okay? They didn't!

Lisa, I gotta tell somebody. I was at the Quimby compound yesterday when that frog waiter got whacked. I know that Freddy Quimby is innocent.

Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow

Oh, good. My laundry is done. You see, Lisa? They don't need my testimony. Only because Mayor Quimby is buying his nephew's freedom. The system works. Just ask Claus von Bulow.

Bart Simpson, for the heinous crime of hooky... I sentence you to a lifetime of hard labor in the cafeteria. More creamed corn, Jimbo Jr.? This creamed corn tastes like creamed crap. Watch the potty mouth, honey.

I just wanted to say how great it is... to finally see some chicks on the bench. Keep up the good work, toots.

So, Bart... have your insides been gnawed away by guilt yet? Sell it to Hallmark, Sis. You're looking at cucumber boy. As in, 'cool as a.'

Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here.

Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy... who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent. Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying... 'Shoot 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.' Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.

Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs... What kinds of kids eat Armour hot dogs... Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks...

Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing-- damn opposed! / He's damn opposed. Damn, damn, damn opposed.

Can't you give me anything for it? / I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth.

Hi. You know, Grandma really likes it when her boyfriends are nice to me. She especially likes it when they give me money.

Run along, peewee. Baby gets nothing. / Very well, you leave me no choice. This gun is filled with ketchup. This one with mustard. Now give me $350 bucks or you're gonna be a mess for your date.

Run along, peewee. Baby gets nothing. / Very well, you leave me no choice. This gun is filled with ketchup. This one with mustard. Now give me $350 bucks or you're gonna be a mess for your date.

Here. Take your money. Take it. / Now, the tables have turned, haven't they?

Hey, Bart. You wanna go play with that X-ray machine in the abandoned hospital?

Me and Milhouse took some mail from a mail truck and threw it down the sewer.

You're the one who double-dared us.

Hey, this is dated two weeks ago. - Oh. Sorry. Here's a fresh one.

Face it, Bart. Our salvation isn't gonna roll by on the back of some stupid truck.

Pool-mobile? Pool-mobile?

Look, Lis, I snatched five bathing suits. All Martin's.

I'm gonna stow away underwater and go where the pool goes. Have a good life.

Friends and well-wishers, yes.

Faithful Milhouse. You'll spend the long, hot days by my side, won't you?

I think I lost my glasses in your pool. I better go in and find them. - But you're wearing your glasses. - No, I'm not.

But you're wearing your glasses. - No, I'm not.

Great. I get to spend the summer with my brain.

What fun can you have in a pool anyway that you can't have in a bathtub with a garbage bag taped around your cast?

There was an Optics Festival and I wasn't informed? You go now.

What have we here? 'The Lighter Side of Hippies.' They don't care whose toes they step on.

They don't care whose toes they step on.

Wow, the universe is so boring.

Wow, the universe is so boring.

I know. I'll use this to peer into Springfield's seamy underbelly.

If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Listen, Ned Flanders murdered his wife! But why? She's such a fox. I mean, what's on Fox tonight? Something ribald, no doubt.

Hello! First born within earshot.

Unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress. That gives me an idea. Note for later: Put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.

Remember how I got Milhouse on America's Most Wanted? There he is on the monkey bars. Try to take him alive. Oh, no! Not again!

Don't need it. You live in the room next to me. Note: Next year, order fewer cards.

But I did tip off the feds as to the whereabouts of our good friend Milhouse. But I'm telling you, I didn't do anything. I don't care.

Is it okay? Well... The important thing is that we survived.

Then welcome to the nether regions of the soul.

Relatively? There's bound to be some splashback.

Hey, everybody! Whoa! Look at me! I'm over here! Turn this way right now! Hey, it's Bart! And he's doing stuff! Oh, I can't take my eyes off him. Look what he's doing.

How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?

She's faking it.

Homer Sexual! Mike Rotch! Amanda Huggenkiss! Hugh Jass. Ivana Tinkle.

I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt...and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.

You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.

Yeah, learned it screws everybody up.

Mom, Dad, Bart's dead! That's right. Dead serious about going to Itchy & Scratchy Land.

over 100 bars and saloons... and a world-class chemical-dependency center

Wow, this is so much like my dreams, it's scary.

Barclay, Barry, Bert... Bort? Come on. 'Bort'? Mommy, buy me a license plate. No. Come along, Bort. Are you talking to me? No. My son is also named Bort.

Oh, yeah. They weren't very funny. I don't know. Disgruntled Goat had his moments.

I wonder if this kind of violence really does desensitize us. Wanna get a snow cone? Okay.

I wonder if this kind of violence really does desensitize us. Wanna get a snow cone? Okay.

But, Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation. It brought us together as a family, we got a lot of good exercise outdoors... and we have so many memories.

It brought us together as a family, we got a lot of good exercise outdoors... and we have so many memories.

But it would be funny to someone who was watching us. No, Mom. He's right. Observe.

Well, I'm doing a school project on fireworks.

I'm only 10, and I already got two mortal enemies.

Help! I'm being attacked by things.

Hey, Mr. Smithers! Well, you might as well give me a ride home now.

We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6. But Dad can't afford 6 dollars a night.

All right, Bob, now it's personal. Hey. He did try to kill me.

You were just Barlow's lackey. You were Ronnie to his Nancy. Sonny to his Cher. Ringo to his rest of the Beatles.

Dad, you're ruining the mood! - Sorry.

Hey, I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.

What's haggis?

You mean shining. - You want to get sued?

Hey, there's a bug that looks like Dad. - Let's kill it. - Okay.

Oxygen running out.

Don't eat me.

Why the crap do we have to go church anyway?

Wow, there is a God.

Hi, I'm Bart Simpson. I was incredibly moved by your reading. I don't think God's words have ever sounded so plausible.

Must fight Satan.

Congratulations, Simpson. You just fell for our sting and won yourself three months' detention. There's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest!

You used me, Skinner! You used me!

Well, in my family, grades aren't that important. It's what you learn that counts. Six times five! What is it?

Actually, numbers don't have much use in my future career: Olympic gold-medal rocket-sled champ!

Well, no offense, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word 'butt'! / But... But... But... / Make him stop!

Smart, beautiful and a liar. So much better than that Sarah, plain and tall.

It's like the toilet paper is an extension of your body.

Actually, if the road surface maintains its integrity... I just might be able to hold on.

The glue will slow me down. Any glue leaking? No. That glue ain't going nowhere.

She's like a Milk Dud, Lis: Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.

Oh, Lis, she's already drawn me to her with her beautiful siren song.

You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug.

She's got a 108 IQ, she reads at a fifth-grade level. And her hair smells like red Froot Loops.

Wait till she sees the second-rate job I do on these stairs.

All right! Snow day! No school tomorrow!

Of course she did. Who else would have?

I'm saved! I love being a Simpson.

How about a present, son? / Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.

And if you lose, I'll kill you! / Oh, Dad.

What the...? / You know, I wonder if her skills will transfer over to the game of hockey.

But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honey Bunny!

If you get hit, it's your own fault.

You go, Mom. For the greater good. - For the greater good.

Please, the hobo. Please, the hobo. The hobo.

Ashley Grant. You gave a talk on women's issues at my school... on how we don't have to be second-class citizens. Mom, how can you leave us with this maniac?

So you're one of those 'don't-call-me-a-chick' chicks, huh?

Why would anybody wanna touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from.

Sorry, Dad. We do believe in you. We really do. It's just hard not to listen to TV. It's spent so much more time raising us than you.

Can I sleep in there with you guys tonight? No. Can I sit on the roof... with a baseball bat in case a UFO comes? Yes, that's fine. Good, good.

What's going on? Where are all the grownups? Who cares? With no adults around, I run this city.

Jeez! If it's in a book, it's gotta be true. Scary, no? And this guy is head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa.

And this guy is head of the Spaceology Department... at the Correspondence College of Tampa.

Dad, number one: I know how to ride a bike. Number two: I already own a bike. And number three: That is a girl's bike.

Come on, Bart, they're gonna pamper us. Not literally, of course.

We can? Thanks, Mom.

You're a pin monkey? Finally, I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job.

And only one of you kids can go to college. Fine. Fine.

Been there, done that. I hope it's a girl. You know nothing about genetics, Lis. It goes boy, girl, boy, girl.

Hello. Is this A. Aaronson? It might interest you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant again.

Aaronson and Zowkowski are the two biggest gossips in town. In an hour, everyone will know.

You can't expect a person... to sit for 30 minutes straight. I'm gonna get a snack and maybe go to the bathroom. I'll stay here, but I'm gonna think about products I might like to purchase.

Okay, but I know funny.

Bart, if you have a failing, it's that you're always demanding perfection. If you have a failing.

Empty my pockets, you say? Well, certainly, but I fail to see how...

There's a 4:30 in the morning now?

Come on, Lassie. Here, boy. Come on, girl. Attaboy.

Why don't they look anything like their names?

No sighting. Did you get that one, Bart? - Hell, no. - Good.

Observatory? This is Bart Simpson. I see something in the sky at 4-12-8, and the last number is seven.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. But then you've always been proud of me. - Yes.

I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet. You've always been petty and small, right from the beginning.

He invented the pie fight, the pratfall and the seltzer bottle, as far as I know.

If there has to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you.

Go, toothpaste. Go! Move your pasty, white butt! Come on, shampoo! You can do it!

It goes where it wants. Like me, babe.

Ah, faithful toilet. You'll prove me right.

Cool.

I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere.

Yes, this is Dr. Bart Simpson of the International Drainage Commission. It's an emergency.

We understand drains in your area have malfunctioned... sucking in people and whatnot.

Yes. Yes, I do.

Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.

I can handle that. I'm an expert at phony apologies.

Hey, we can get away in their pouches. It's not like in cartoons. Yeah. There's a lot more mucus.

It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny.

And who could forget dear Rat Boy? Rat Boy? I resent that. Bart, I told you before. Stop gnawing on the drywall.

The sun is out, birds are singing... bees are trying to have sex with them, as I understand it.

It's all right? It's all right. It's all right? It's all right.

Ballet? Dancing is for girls. Well, you should've gotten here earlier.

Toes twinkling. Look at me, girls. I'm doing ballet. And I love it!

Behold! The masked dancer is me, Bart! It is I who have won your acclaim!

Go ahead and laugh. I took a chance and did what I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well, then, I guess I'm a sissy.

Why'd she just leave me here when I clearly need medical attention?

So long, suckers. This is the last time I use an escape plan devised by Milhouse. Sorry, Bart.

Homer in the Shower and Homer on the Toilet

Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team. But he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.

Hey, look. A really small dog just fell out of Santa's girlfriend.

An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again.

Hey, jerkface. You have the face of a jerk.

Say, Jimbo...hope I wasn't out of line with that 'jerkface' crack.

Mom, why do I have to wear a flea collar?

Yeah, they ate all my socks. I have to wear Lisa's to school today.

Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them?

Sorry. You gotta admit, it's catchy.

No. What are you doing? Dogs always land on their feet.

Best two out of three.

That's impossible. How did you get here first?

I saw you two fighting. I'm worried there could be a strike and the school would shut down. I'm sure you'd really hate that.

Skinner said you wouldn't go through with it. Well, I had to clean it up a little. But basically, Krabappel said you'd give the teachers everything they want. She did? Yeah. She said you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Great news, Mom! Horrible news, Mom! The school's on strike! Maybe forever. Overload. Pleasure overload.

Overload. Pleasure overload.

You, at the crane! Spin around real fast! Now, you! Dump 3 tons of sand onto that Porta-Potty.

You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute. Skinner said we'll crack, purple monkey dishwasher.

I found a hive of killer bees. You want to go throw rocks at it? Sorry, Bart. I'm deeply immersed in the Teapot Dome scandal. However, it might be feasible in a fortnight.

There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. Hello, Mother dear.

Hello, Mother dear.

Hey, Bart, what about the booby trap? May I? Thank you. Mama's boy! Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet! I meant the other booby trap.

They're like two positively charged ions. Wait, that's it. With your book smarts and my ability to exploit people with book smarts we can figure out a plan to get them back together.

Yo. I used to sit right over there. It's all right, children. Just ignore the murderer. And as a bonus, some of our more troublesome students might be scared straight. Kid, help me break out of here. I'll totally make it worth your while. I'm listening.

The guy who chopped up George Washington?

If it helps, I believe that after you die... you can come back as whatever you want. / I'll be a butterfly. / How come? / Because nobody ever suspects the butterfly.

Five hundred dollars on red. / The winner is black. / Cool.

"Wet cement." Is there any sweeter sign? Well, maybe "high voltage."

Hello, son. You want to try this flying motorcycle I just invented? - No time. - Okay.

Good, somebody's shadow. I'll just turn and brag about my work.

What would Jebediah Springfield say? - He'd be cool with it.

Bart, you've graffito-tagged public property. It was an accident.

Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.

Wow, that does work.

Beautiful, aren't they? - Yep. I'm gonna huck them at cars.

I don't even want any. I just bought a pity glass.

Thar she grows.

Good friends, lots of lemons, numerous angel sightings.

Why don't you make me. - I don't make trash, I burn it.

Then I guess you're a garbage man. - I know you are, but what am I?

Takes one to know one. - Checkmate.

I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo.

I just put a rock in your crummy town. - That's a crud rock. It belongs in Crudtown.

Hey, everybody, an old man's talking.

We'll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead.

I choose to take that literally. - Death to Shelbyville!

Yes, Bart's a tutor now. Tute on, son. - Tute on.

Nelson's the tough guy. Martin's the smart guy. Todd's the religious guy who ends up going crazy.

The fire hydrants here are yellow. This place is starting to freak me out.

Radical. - They're getting rich off us. And that kid with the backpack said "radical." I say "radical." That's my thing that I say.

Good idea. Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team. Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin. - Team Discovery Channel.

I thought you said you could read lips. - I assumed I could.

I don't go to school. - Okay, what's two plus two? - Five. - Story checks out.

Radical. - Quit copying me.

No, not in my mouth... is what the kid would say.

I'll use these spray cans as jetpacks and fly to safety. So long, losers.

Hey, look. Someone's attractive cousin. - Where? Where? - I don't see anybody.

"Wet cement."

I could sure use that flying motorcycle now. - You had your chance.

Roman numerals. They never even tried to teach us that in school.

So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

So Rocky V plus Rocky II equals Rocky VII: Adrian's Revenge!

This whole raid was as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute. There's a lemon behind that rock.

The impenetrable fortress of suburbia.

No one in history has ever done anything this clever.

Let's shut the gate and seal them in. - Gun it, Flanders. - It won't start. Something's draining the battery. - Sorry.

Eat my shorts, Shelbyville. - Eat my shorts. - Eat my shorts. - Yes, eat all of our shirts.

I guess they'd wanna be with their families or something, huh?

Sorry, Grampa. It's just, for a second, it looked like Dad had melted.

Who wants chocolate ice cream? - Me! Me! Me, me!

The only decent new one is Radiation Dude. - He's a cheap imitation of Radioactive Man.

We both have a special, limited-edition issue where he and Fallout Boy get killed on every page.

If I get his role, I could finally come to terms with this funny little muddle called Bart.