The City Of New York Vs Homer Simpson

Chief Wiggum:According to these police statistics, these six bar patrons are responsible for almost all traffic accidents in Springfield.

Moe:Six bar patrons? That's us!

Barney:We cause almost all traffic accidents? Woo-hoo!

Moe:We need a designated driver, so we're gonna use the papal selection method.

Barney:The papal selection method? What's that?

Moe:We lock ourselves in the back room, and whoever comes out first is the designated driver.

Homer:What about the pickled eggs?

Moe:Instead of ballots, we use pickled eggs. You eat one, and if you get the one with the little skull drawn on it, you're driving.

Homer:Why you little!

Barney:I'm Peter Pants-less!

Homer:Barney, you're drunk.

Barney:Peter Pants-less doesn't care what you think!

Duffman:Oh yeah! Duffman is here to say that Duff beer has a smooth, refreshing taste that appeals to the average beer drinker. Duffman is also here to remind you that Duff beer is enjoyed responsibly by millions of Duffman fans worldwide. Duffman says... oh, yeah!

Duffman:Free beer!

Crowd:Drink! Drink! Drink!

Barney:No! I'm sober now! I can't!

Crowd:Drink! Drink! Drink!

Barney:I said no! I'm staying sober!

Barney:I can't have a beer. I'm the designated driver.

Duffman:Oh no! Duffman's worst nightmare!

Barney:We should go to Moe's!

Lenny:Nah, let's hit up that new place downtown.

Carl:Downtown? How about we go to the North Pole?

Barney:The North Pole? That's nothing! Let's go to Atlantis!

Lenny:Atlantis is underwater, you idiot.

Carl:So what? I've been drunker than this at the bottom of the ocean.

Barney:You know what? Forget all that. Let's go to Narnia!

Homer:Where's Narnia?

Barney:Who cares?! That's the whole point!

Barney:We gotta find the lost city of gold!

Homer:Barney, you're drunk.

Barney:I know, but think about it! Gold everywhere, free beer flowing from the fountains...

Homer:Yeah, yeah, sure Barney. Now get outta here with your crazy talk.

Homer:Free beer fountains... *sighs wistfully* ...if only such a place existed.

Homer:Barney, just bring my car back tomorrow, okay?

Barney:Sure thing, Homer. I'll drive it back.

Homer:Or you could just push it back with your mind.

Barney:I remember now! I was at the opera house, listening to a beautiful soprano singing Puccini...

Barney:Or maybe it was Moe's bar and someone was singing off-key into a beer bottle.

Marge:Homer, this car isn't safe. The brakes don't work, there's no airbags, and the steering wheel is a tennis racket.

Homer:Don't worry, Marge. I'll knit some seat belts. Problem solved!

Homer:New York? Pfft. A bunch of stuck-up phonies living in a concrete jungle. Who needs it? I got everything I need right here in Springfield.

Homer:New York schmoo-york. It's probably just a bunch of people yelling at each other and eating hot dogs. Sounds terrible.

Homer:That's like saying you can't judge Russia without going there. And I'm pretty sure I can judge Russia.

Lisa:But you've never been to Russia.

Homer:Exactly! So I'm not biased.

Homer:So there I was, in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, at the discount irregular clothing outlet...

Homer:I couldn't believe they had pants with only three legs! Three! Can you imagine the savings?

Homer:I remember the '80s in New York. Staying in a terrible hotel, mugged by the Ghostbusters, chased by that big marshmallow guy...

Homer:And don't even get me started on the giant ape that climbed the Empire State Building. Worst vacation ever.

Marge:Homer, that's terrible! New York sounds like a horrible place.

Homer:It is, Marge. There's crime, pollution, and giant monsters destroying everything.

Marge:Giant monsters? Homer, that's just like the real estate problem and the subway delays. You get used to it.

Homer:Kids, I'm taking you all to New York City!

Bart:Wow, Dad! That's great!

Lisa:How can we afford it?

Homer:The bus fare is only 5 cents per person. I'm a generous man!

Marge:Homer, that's 25 cents total for all of us.

Homer:I know! And I'm giving up my beer money for it. I'm basically a saint.

Homer:New York? Sure, I'll go. But I'm keeping my wallet in my front pocket where I can feel it.

Homer:Okay, before we leave for vacation, I better get rid of anything that could incriminate me.

Homer:Photo albums... gone. Home videos... destroyed. Baby pictures... incinerated.

Marge:Homer, what are you doing?

Homer:Marge, if the feds ever raid this house, I don't want them finding anything that proves we existed.

Lisa:Dad, those were irreplaceable family memories.

Homer:Exactly! Now they can't use them against us!

Homer:Why did we have to go through Philadelphia to get to New York?

Marge:Homer, that's completely out of the way.

Bart:Dude, we passed New York three times!

Lisa:According to my calculations, we traveled 847 miles to cover 215 miles.

Bus Driver:That's the route the computer gave me.

Homer:A computer? Why didn't you just ask for directions?

Bus Driver:GPS says go to Atlantic City first, then Boston, then here.

Bart:Man, that's like the longest route possible!

Marge:We saved so much money on bus fare this year!

Homer:That's great, Marge. Where are we going?

Marge:Well, we found an even cheaper option. No seats, no windows, no air conditioning...

Homer:Marge, that's not a bus. That's a box.

Marge:It gets us there, Homer.

Homer:Oh no! I can't feel my legs!

Marge:Homer, you were feeling someone else's legs the whole time.

Homer:I can't feel my legs!

Marge:Homer, you're touching someone else's legs the whole time.

Lisa:Wow, look at all these skyscrapers. I feel so small.

Homer:That's nothing. Wait until you see how small your allowance is compared to New York prices.

Lisa:Dad, I'm trying to have a moment of existential reflection here.

Bart:Yeah Homer, Lisa's feeling all insignificant and philosophical. Don't ruin it with money talk.

Marge:Children, remember: no matter how big the city is, you're all special to me.

Homer:Not as special as a footlong hot dog from that cart over there.

Bart:You guys rock!

ZZ Top member:Well, we do all right.

Homer:Alright, listen up. If we're going to New York, we need a cover story. We'll say we're from... North Dakota.

Marge:Homer, that doesn't make any sense.

Homer:Exactly! No criminal would ever believe it!

Homer:Let's meet in Central Park at noon.

Homer:No wait, make it 11 AM. The weirdos don't come out until after lunch.

Homer:Actually, better make it 10. They get worse as the day goes on.

Homer:You know what? Let's just do it right now. By tonight, Central Park will be nothing but drug dealers and muggers.

Homer:Get out of here, you immigrant! This is America, not some dumping ground for the world's unwanted!

Homer Simpson:Get out of my country! Go back where you came from!

Ship Captain:Yes sir, right away sir!

Homer Simpson:Wait, what? You're leaving?

Ship Captain:You said to get out of the country, so I'm sailing this ship out of here.

Homer Simpson:But... but you're the captain!

Homer:Oh yeah, bite it, you little bastard! Bite it! Oh, that's it, work that mouth!

New Yorker:Hey, be polite!

New Yorker:You're a fat, stupid, ugly idiot!

Automated system:Please enter your plea: guilty or not guilty.

Homer Simpson:Not guilty.

Automated system:Your plea of not guilty has been rejected.

Homer:Let's see, 9 to 5... that's... carry the one... 8 hours!

Homer:Wait, or is it 6? No, 7. Actually, it's definitely a hamburger.

Homer:I'll write to you! What's your address?

Homeless man:Care of General Delivery, Vatican City, Army Post Office.

Bart:Spare change? Spare change for a poor disabled boy?

Commuter:What's wrong with you, kid?

Bart:I'm colorblind.

Commuter:You don't look colorblind.

Bart:I know, it's a miracle.

Homer:Me wait long time. Car no start. Me so hungry. Stomach make angry noise. Why car hate Homer? Homer love car. Car no love Homer back. Me sit here. Sun go down. Sun go up. Still no car start. Me think about donuts. Me think about Marge. Me think about donuts again. Why life so hard? Me just want go home. Me just want eat. Me just want sleep. Car, why you do this to Homer? Homer cry now.

Homer:Can I get a bowl?

Vendor:You get a stick!

Homer:Stick? But... how am I supposed to eat it from a stick?

Vendor:Stick! Stick! You want bowl, you go somewhere else!

Homer:Mmm... Khlav Kalash.

Homer:Where's the bathroom?

Bartender:What'll it be? We have Mountain Dew or crab juice.

Homer:Ewww, crab juice. I'll take a Mountain Dew.

Bartender:We're out of Mountain Dew.

Homer:Crab juice! Crab juice!

Homer Simpson:Oh man, oh man, I gotta go!

Chief Wiggum:Whoa there, Simpson. You can't use the storm drain as a toilet.

Homer Simpson:But Chief, it's an emergency!

Chief Wiggum:I don't care. Find a bathroom like everyone else.

Lisa:Are those rabbits dead?

Marge:No, sweetie. They're just sleeping. And when they wake up, they'll be in a lovely Chinese restaurant.

Bart:Ay caramba! Those fireworks are going crazy!

Homer:Son, get away from there! This is a real emergency!

Bart:Relax, Dad. I've seen worse in Grand Theft Auto.

Marge:Bart, this is not a video game!

Bart:Whatever. I'll just reload my last save.

Homer:Excuse me, I gotta use the bathroom. Number two. Actually, number three. It's a new one I invented.

Homer:My doctor said I have a very rare condition where I can only go on Tuesdays, and it's Tuesday in Japan right now.

Homer:Also, I'm pregnant.

British Tourist:I say, that was rather rude, cutting in line like that. I do hope something dreadfully violent happens to you.

Bart:Is this MAD Magazine?

MAD Magazine employee:Yeah, but we can't afford the full name on the sign.

MAD Magazine editor:Here at MAD, we come up with ridiculous parody names. For example, instead of 'New Kids on the Block,' we call them 'New Kids on the Blecch.'

Bart:We must preserve this moment for posterity! Future generations must know of the magnificence we have witnessed this day!

Bart:Oh my God... it's real. It's all real.

Bart:The MAD Magazine offices... they actually exist.

Bart:This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Bart:I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy!

Lisa:Wow, I want to go to the Betty Ford Center!

Homer:I've got it! I'll just park in the handicapped spot!

Homer's Brain:But Homer, that's illegal.

Homer:Illegal? That's never stopped me before.

Homer's Brain:Fair point.

Homer:Why you little! I'll teach you to mess with Homer Simpson!

Homer:Woo-hoo! I beat the system! Take that, city of Springfield!

Homer:Yah! Giddyap! Come on, Secretariat!

New Yorker:Hey! Watch it, you maniac!

Homer:Come on, come on! We're gonna miss the big game!

Marge:Homer, what about Maggie?

Homer:We'll pick her up on the way back!

Homer:Come on, come on! Move it!

Homer:Get in the car! Bart, Lisa, get in!

Homer:Maggie, come on!

Homer:I'm throwing you in!

Homer:Go, go, go!

Homer:We're leaving!

Lisa:Can we come back to New York next year?

Homer:Sure, we'll see. Maybe. I dunno. We'll talk about it.