Moe

What's the matter, Homer? Somebody leave a lump of coal in your stocking? You've been sitting there, sucking on a beer all day long. So? So, it's Christmas.

Is Mr. Freely there? / Who? / Freely. First initials 'I.P.' / Hold on. I'll check. Uh, is I.P. Freely here?

You'll get that punk someday, Moe. / Ah, I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

Don't blame yourself, Homer. You got dealt a bad hand. You got crummy little kids that nobody can control.

You can't talk that way about my kids! Or at least two of them. / Why, you got two I haven't met?

Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking. / Is Jacques there? / Who? / Jacques. Last name Strap.

Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap? It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt! When I get a hold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.

What, this one? D'oh!

Al Coholic prank call sequence

Hello. Is Al there? / Al? / Yeah, Al. Last name, Coholic.

Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya!

Hey, Barney, am I a pig? / You're no more of a pig than I am. / Oh, no! / See? You're a pig.

Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference. Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off and act like human beings.

Is Oliver there? / Who? / Oliver Klozoff.

Good morning, Moe's Tavern! It's the president.

Getting Washington and Lincoln's birthdays as separate holidays

Keep the mutants coming! / I'll mutant you

Wow! Super-fish! / I wish the government would get off his back / That Burns is just what this state needs, young blood!

For the next 15 minutes, one-third off on every pitcher. One per customer, domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing!

Hey, is there a Butts here? A Seymour Butts? / Hey, everybody. I wanna Seymour Butts!

You scum-sucking pus bucket! When I get you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!

Not in public! / You'd better be dying!

Well, it was either cable or the mechanical bull. I made my choice and I stand by it.

Homer Sexual. Wait one second, let me check. Homer Sexual! Come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual!

You little punk! If I get ahold of you... I'll rip your face off! You'll do what, young man?

Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch. Hold on, I'll check. Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?

One of these days, I'm gonna catch you... and carve my name on your back with an ice pick.

One of these days, I'm gonna catch you... and carve my name on your back with an ice pick.

I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt... and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.

People are healthier and drinking less. If it wasn't for the junior high school next door no one would even use the cigarette machine.

You're too late, Homer. Barney sucked it dry. Cut his gums up pretty bad.

Gin and... tonic? Do they mix?

Bowie knife, troll doll... glass eye... Oh, here we are.

It's called a Flaming... ...Moe! It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right, a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it.

Think my drink had something to do with it? Who can say? It's probably a combination of things.

You could, but I find this way is much more accurate, and fun.

An unforgettable weekend at Club Moe. I'd prefer to vacation someplace hot. - Whoo! - Ha-ha! - Ow! - Whoo!

I like your moxie, kid. You're hired. You shan't regret this. Methinks I shan't.

You tell him for me that he makes one great mozzarella stick.

Do you know how much of my blood and sweat are in this drink? Uh... figure of speech.

You're my kid's teacher. Single parent, are we? No. Let's pretend you are.

It's hard to say. He may have come up with the recipe but I came up with the idea of charging 6.95.

I'm looking for a friend. Last name: Jazz. First name: Hugh. Hold on. I'll check. Huge ass? Somebody check the men's room for a huge ass. I'm Hugh Jazz. Telephone. This is Hugh Jazz. Uh... hi. Who's this? Bart Simpson. What can I do for you? This is a crank call that backfired and I'd like to bail out right now. Better luck next time.

You just lost yourself a customer! What? I couldn't hear you. I said, you just lost a customer! What? You just lost a customer! You'll have to speak up. You lost yourself a customer, Moe! I forced myself to what? You just lost a customer! We'll talk tomorrow. You just lost yourself a customer! Yeah, you can use it.

We're prepared to offer you $1 million. Sorry, Harv, but like I told you before it ain't for sale.

The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the czar.

I sleep with a chick once it costs me half a million bananas.

The secret ingredient is... Homer, no! ...Cough syrup. Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter children's cough syrup.

She left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she was better off here.

Maybe some things are too good to be kept a secret.

Compliments of the house-- One Flaming... Homer.

When I get you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket...and paint my house with your brains.

Moe's Tavern... where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly.

Chief Wiggum, could you hand me... that little black book? Sure thing, Moe. I was using it as a coaster.

you lucky moron

I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet. Now it's the smell of victory.

Who's that old rummy? Before his dog got sick... that old rummy used to be my best customer.

Gee, Homer's singing to his ball again. / He's bowling a 280.

Fudd? They took that off the market after all those hillbillies went blind.

Wait a minute. You went to another bar? / Moe, I was 100 miles out of town. / Oh, Homer.

Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.

Moe, have you ever felt unattractive? Mmm, no. How about you, Barney? Not for a second. [Belches] Yeah. I need help.

Hey, brush-head, you've been nursing that thing for an hour. You know, I was just wondering how someone who works at an ice cream store... keeps such a trim figure. I've misjudged you.

I was a fool to think anyone would want Nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg.

Hello, I'd like to speak to Miss Tinkle, first name... Ivana. Ivana Tinkle. just a sec. Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle! All right, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle.

You didn't even give a beer to those freed Iranian hostages. Ah, they shouldn't have been there in the first place

Well, wishing won't make it so. You gotta pull up your diaper, get out there and be the best damn Barney you can be

Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake. Thanks, Moe. Uh, you know, Homer, that beer ain't free.

Moe receiving valentine 'from your secret admirer' in meek voice, followed by Barney's romantic advances

Look who it is-- Mr. 'I Don't Need Alcohol to Enjoy Life.' / We hate 'im, right, fellas?

Yesterday, you called Homer a worthless sack of-- / Pipe down, rub-a-dub! / Ow.

You'll be back! And so will you... and you... and you. / Of course I'll be back. If you didn't close, I'd never leave.

Hey, Moe, look over there. What? What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon. What? What, is that it? Hey, Moe, can I look too? Sure, but it'll cost ya. My wallet's in the car. He is so stupid.

Hey, you can't come in here dressed like that! Get with the times, Moe. Yeah. I say if it feels good, do it. All right. [Chuckling] Don't snap my undies.

How much is this quart of milk? Twelve dollars. Hey, Barney, what'll it be? I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

I'd like a beer, Moe. I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.

Hey, fellas. I'm back. Oh, that's great. Your replacement is getting tired. [Clucks] Hey, Queenie, you can go now. I'll give her a good home. And I did.

We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're having fun.

[Italian Accent] Hey, Moe. Whatsa matter? You no talka with your accent no more. Mamma mia.

See, I got this friend named Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo. That's the worst name I ever heard. [Sobbing] Bye, Joey Jo-Jo!

We don't need a thinker. We need a doer, someone who'll act without considering the consequences.

I'll be Cue Ball, Skinner can be Eight Ball... Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball. / You're an idiot.

Chokin' on my own rage, here.

I heard you and Homer broke up, so I'm declarin' my intentions to move in on his territory. Here, I, uh, brung ya some posies.

I come here, I get dressed up all nice-like... put my heart on the line, and I make a fool of myself.

I didn't ask her for no water. She's lyin', Homer. She told me you were dead. That's the only reason I-- I didn't do nothin'!

She told me you were dead. That's the only reason I-- I didn't do nothin'!

Phone call for Al. Al Coholic.

Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta. Yeah, 'looks like.'

All right, you heard the man. One grenade each. Oh, Jeez. Really? You think so? All right, give them back. Come on. Everybody, give them back. Hey. Hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?

It's not so bad, Homer. They go in through your nose... and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out.

But Blanche, you gotta help me out here! Please! I'm 64 grand in the hole! They're gonna take my thumbs!

We got the real dirt on Homer Simpson, and the bidding starts at 10 G's. - I bid 10 G's. - Ten-five G's.

What you looking at? I'm just reading up on artillery. Yes, and I'm pursuing my interest in...

A snake in the cash register! Yeah, great prank, fellas. Great.

Hey, Moe, you wanna smell my flower? Do I!

I'm burning up here! Taking advantage of my alcohol-soaked clothes.

Oh, there's sugar all over the bar now. That's not funny, Homer.

Sorry, Homer. You should've thought of that before giving me the sugar-me-do.

I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore

'It's Raining Men'? Yeah, not no more it ain't.

Yeah. Well... Run.

This is much better than the old Stonecutter hall. Silence. I now call to order the first meeting of the ancient, mystic society of... No Homers.

Sounds like the Doomsday Whistle. Ain't been blown for nigh on to three years. Trouble a-brewing.

I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and you all try to guess what it is.

I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and you all try to guess what it is.

Let's go burn down the observatory so this'll never happen again.

I told you a hundred times, you gotta sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween.

However, since you have no collateral... I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.

Maps to movie stars' homes!

Money gets you one more round / Drink it down, you stupid clown / Money gets you one more round / You're out on your ass

Barney, this is a five-minute chip. It's worth a Pabst.

Well, these days, my roots don't stay so chestnut on their own, Officer Simpson.

Please, please. Lx-nay on the Omar-may.

The garage. Hey, fellas! The garage. Well, la-di-da, Mr. Frenchman. Well, what do you call it? A car hole.

Well, that does it. That does it. I'm looking at his cards. Crap. I fold

I'd like to hear from Sideshow Mel.

Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies... in the Victoria Secret Catalog. Sears Catalog.

Aah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!

How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok? I like it! Nah. I want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time. I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker!

You could flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds. Forty seconds? But I want it now!

Now, that's 'Moe' like it!

Uh, no old people. They're not covered by our insurance.

Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.

Let me level with you, Marge. That's just our name for bottom-feeding suction eel.

I start with the best part- the neck. And then I add secret hobo spices.

What the hell are you doing, you little freak?

I'm not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist's drill.

Silence, you fool. It can be ours.

Oh, your 'teef' hurt, huh? Your 'teef' hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad!

Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak-fish.

Surely he's not talking about VH1?

They never come around anymore now that they got their mistresses.

That's a funny-lookin' strike.

The Holy Rollers have won it five years in a row. They think they're so high and mighty just 'cause they never got caught drivin' without pants.

Don't worry about nothin', Homer. I have a feeling that Mr. Burns is gonna have a little accident that might keep him from bowlin' with us tonight, heh, heh, heh.

Well, I guess no one can. - Run, before they're through feeding!

How much for Krusty's bed? Half a buck. Sold! Good night, everybody. Good night, Moe.

Homer, you know, I support, uh, most any prejudice you can name... but your hero phobia sickens me

When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants... so you can watch me kick the crap outta you!

Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.

Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck.

You owe me $70 billion... No wait, that's for the Voyager spacecraft. Your tab's $14 billion.

Well, that's halfway there.

I'm behind three inches of bulletproof glass. Do your worst.

Stay out of there! Oh! Good God, no!

It's like a freakin' Country Bear Jamboroo around here!

'Immigants.' I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them.

'Immigants.' I knew it was them!

Yeah, those are exactly my 'sentimonies.'

If you're gonna beat up my friend in my bar, there's a two-drink minimum.

The only thing a loser like me is good for is taking beatings. There you go! That's the spirit!

Some of these boxers, they eat steak and lobster... and salad bar all in a single meal. Dressing? Their choice.

Are you man enough to give me a 60 percent cut? Yes! I'll take it.

When I realized we hadn't had no ladies in here since 1979... I turned it into an office.

They called me 'Kid Gorgeous.' Later on, it was 'Kid Presentable.' Then 'Kid Gruesome.' And finally, 'Kid Moe.'

Oh, that's my old spit bucket. Yeah, I've been meaning to empty that out.

Why not? I got knocked out 40 times in a row. That, plus politics. It's all politics. Lousy Democrats!

Punching isn't your thing, but that's okay. You're not that kind of fighter. What you're gonna do is stand there... while your opponent gets exhausted from over-punching. Then I can push him over. That's right. If the ref's not looking, you kick him a couple of times.

Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he? No, not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich.

No, not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich.

What's this? That's the barbed wire. We called that 'the stinger.' They don't let you use that no more.

for his glorious return to the shores of 'Fistiana'! Of what? His comeback fight. You know, boxing?

Yeah, but Homer's no boxer. He's just a freak. Tatum will fustigate him!

Tatum will fustigate him!

If he gets killed in the ring, it'll be because of your negative attitude.

Are you an angel? Yes, Homer. I'm an angel. All us angels wear Farrah slacks.

Now take your check for $100,000 and get out of my sight! I don't need your stinking money!

I don't need your stinking money!

Well, what are dreams, Madam Marge? I was able to stick up for a pal.

Does your father know you're working here? It was his idea. In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.

No, there's no justice like angry-mob justice.

I'm a well-wisher... in that I don't wish you any specific harm.

Düff, from Sweden. - Wait a minute! This is Duff! - Ya got me, didn't ya?

Hey, wait a minute. This is real money.

Hey, this isn't faux dive! [Scoffs] This is a dive.

You're a long way from home, yuppie boy. I'll start a tab.

Where are the designated drivers? Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.

That was a scary couple of hours.

[Moe] Aw, for the love of crumb cake.

All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live.

Then, when he's not expecting it- Bam! The old fork in the eye.

Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? There's always a first time.

Well-Ahh- I better go. I got a date with that lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling things.

She told me she was washing her hair tonight.

I'm so desperately lonely.

I did! It's me, Abe Simpson! But you're d-d-d-dead. I was. But I've come back as your love testing machine.

Ah, kiss my dishrag.

Hey, I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than Jewish wine.

I was just in a car accident. Can I use your phone? - Uh, using the phone's a four-drink minimum.

So how about you and me go out sometime? You know, out back? I mean, uh, out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, romantic. Uh, ain't sunshine pretty? Ain't flowers stupid?

You know what's great about you, Betty, is you're letting your looks go gracefully. You're not all hung up on looking attractive and desirable. It's just so rare and refreshing.

Um, uh, oh, uh, I might as well come clean with ya. I ain't too good at talking to women, and I really wanted to do ya... so I brought along the Love Tester to help me.

He's horny.

91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys

We'll choose the same way they pick the pope. Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight

Who are you, sweetheart, the health inspector? No, but I am. Uh, here, have a margarita. Uh, that's a parasol.

Yargh. And that's the story of the very first caramel cod. I mean, Halloween.

Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win.

Oh, that's it. You're dead, pal! Hey, now, that's uncalled for. Shut your hole, Skinner!

Well, it could've been a real ugly situation, but I managed to shoot him in the spine. Yeah, I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp.

I don't see what's wrong with this one. Oh.

Why do we have to stand here? This is so humiliatir.

Booze, booze and more booze. Nothir like a depressant to chase the blues away.

Nah. Just your screwy country.

It sounds like you're strainin' to do some explainin'.

everyone's heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a 'Neanderthal'?

What? No. Why? What? Why? What have you heard? Are you implying I'm in some sort of financial trouble? - No. - Well, I am. Let me have that card.

You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society. Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always Moe.

What are you gonna do with all that 'kablingy'?

Hey, hey, hey. Shoo, you lousy freeloaders. Come back when you get some parents.

Look at the outrageous markup. You magnificent bastard. I salute you!

And your stink brings tears to my eyes. Now wait a minute, Moe. [Sniffs] Oh. My mistake.

Damn it! It fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in. Oh, I guess it's back to good old-fashioned voodoo.

Hi, how you folks doing? I'm Moe. Or, as the ladies like to call me, 'Hey, you, behind the bushes.'

Yeah, big deal. You got a wife. I got a rash. Who cares?

It's just- It's been four years since my last date with a whatchacallit... uh, woman.

Oh, she got homesick for her old life- diving for tourists' pennies in a Micronesian swamp.

No girl wants to end up with a Joe Puke-Pail like me.

Oh, yeah? Well, uh, how come I ain't... fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick?

Or maybe you'd prefer a cool, refreshing Bacardi colada. Because Bacardi makes the night... come alive with freshness.

No. I'm in love with you.

I'm just gonna die lonely and ugly and... dead.

A gorgeous woman don't just hand you a free 'daffy-dil.'

I guess you could have a lot of weird scars or a fake ass or something.

Gee, I'm sorry. I used to box, you know. My brairs- Well, it's kind of in and out.

Yeah, it kind of draws the eye away from the old mug.

Oh, what was I thinking? A beautiful girl like you and a gargoyle like me.

Hot damn! All right, don't eat nothin' for the next three days... 'cause I'm taking you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat.

She's going out with me, cat!

I just get so tired of idiots shooting their mouths off, laughing and clapping. Makes you wanna start poking eyes out... and slashing guts and kicking throats.

Hey, shut up, or I'll ram a stool down your throat!

I got a real tenuous hold on my girlfriend here.

Renee ain't gonna want to hang around with no Joe Pinchpenny.

You bunch of ungrateful ingrates!

Nah, my car ain't won'th nothir.

When everybody said... you were too drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys?

Now the car's gonna have to represent you, and, uh... this little toy man will represent the car.

I was just thinking... what a good parking job I did with it.

The train. You hear that? That's the train! Isn't that the most beautiful sound you ever heard? It's almost as sweet as your voice.

Hey! Hey, what's it doing there? It was supposed to be on the railroad tracks. No, I mean, the parking lot.

Homer, you moron. - Homer, you genius!

Homer! Oh, how... could you?

Yeah. Yeah, that's a- That's a kick in the pants.

Oh, cripes, the puppy dog look.

You killed me! - Hey, n-no. No, y-you ain't dead. Y-Y-You're just in jail.

Hey, why did you say gay first?

Then we go to the graveyard and steal two corpses. We switch clothes with 'em and leave them in the bar. Then we pour some brandy around, like so. Then we light a match. And fwoof! We start a new life in Hawaii.

I really wanna sleep. I... also sleep. Good night, Mommy.

Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer. / Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.

Mr. Sulu, make a left! / Aye, aye, Captain. Setting course for Rigel Seven. I mean home.

[Baby talking] Oh, Mr. Snookums. Oh, I 'wuv' you so- What are you looking at?

That'd be sweet. What about you, Moe? Ah, gee, I was gonna say a night with Joey Heatherton. But an ironed shirt? Damn, that's tempting!

Why stop there, Homer? My militia has a secret plan... to beat up all sorts of government officials. That'll teach 'em to drag their feet on high definition TV!

Can't someone else do it? That's perfect

He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

Who cares what it is? Let's monoxide it!

There goes a real sack of crap. Indubitably, old chum.

Kill the horrid beasts. Then do away with their lizards.

Out of the way, Midge. - Oh, am I in the way? - Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman? - Sorry. I didn't realize I was in the way. - You're still in the way. You don't seem to be moving at all.

Oh, for cryin' out loud, just knock her ass down. - [Moe] Way to shove, Edna. - [Apu] Let us roll.

Moe at bar: 'When was the last time Barbra Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger?'

Well, it's better than that last Barbra Streisand movie.

Don't make me come up there / Let me outta here. The guy never stops talking

It 'angries' up the blood. You like it, huh? Up yours!

No, no, no. Makin' polenta- that's a procedure. You're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery here. / Really? Do you think it's dangerous?

It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure. No, no, no. Makin' polenta- that's a procedure. You're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery here.

Plus they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everybody who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after you.

Can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable. And are those your original lips?

Homer, why didn't you say you was with the mayor? Shove off, pukeholes!

We're working on that roach situation. I swear to God.

We're working on that roach situation. I swear to God.

Aah! It burns!

Oh, absolutely. My favorite team's in it. The Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons.

So they really based that Homer Simpson character on you, huh? Yup. Right down to the scarf.

[Homer falls through floor] Geez. What an exit. Oh, man. What's he gonna do for an encore?

Sarah, please! Sarah, it's $10 a pill.

The gal I'm stalkin' had me bumped back to 200 feet.

It's easy to blame ourselves... but it's even easier to blame Apu!

Gasoline, axes. I got some stuff in the trunk.

It's the rapture! And I never knew true love. I never used those pizza coupons!

So, uh, you guys are Eurotrash, huh? How's that working out for you?

Uh-huh. So, uh, where might this sea be located? Hmm?

Hey, Moe! Can I pay with a drawing? Yeah. Nice try there, twelve step.

I just wish Jasper Johns hadn't stolen my boat. Aah! So long, suckers.!

Boy, Moe, you sure look angry. Here. Have some nuts. - Hey, thanks. Ow! God! My eye!

Maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain. Maybe you should mind your own business. Afternoon, miss.

But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit. Moe with a lolly. It's so out of character.

Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket. And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

If that's Homer, then who the hell's been puttin' beers on his tab? D'oh. Whoo-hoo. Uh-That boy ain't right.