Shutdown

Did I hear the VP scream? No, that was me. And it was a shout.

That was a man's voice? Yeah, 'cause I'm a man. I have a man's voice.

Keith stays, right? What? Keith. He's skinny like a skeleton.

Gary, the Secret Service is calling you Girly Shirley Temple.

Sue crying and saying 'I need a moment' when furloughed

He's like Spock. He doesn't show his emotions. Ever? Ever? No, not even then.

Dan only laughed when security guy fell off Segway, followed by 'Is laughter an emotion?'

Network the bejesus out of me. I want people to be sick of the sight of my face.

Both: Roger Furlong. Thought that, too. So obvious, Furlong.

Wow, it's like anal leakage.

Somebody bring me the chinless head of Roger Furlong.

Get rid of it. Refuse it. / Okay, look, if the VP did have a window, it'd be a high one and she'd push you out of it.

You're pregnant? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I did not mean that.

Pickle me eels and tickle me belly 'cause I am off to merry London Town for a right fuckabout, eh?

It is a city where women are literally drunk all day. And I am going to mind their gaps, my friend.

Well, cum-for-brains, the government is shut down, so all the passport offices are closed.

Where's Sue? Where's Sue? Who's the new Sue? Me.

See, this is the problem with high-definition. You don't want to see a dick in hi-def.

What? I'm not overpaid. I'm independently wealthy. All right? Sorry.

Ma'am, the stench at your home is gone. Thanks to me.

uppity princess in her perfumed palace

Wait, how am I gonna know which bags are yours? Do you want to let me know some of the things that are in the bags?

Awkward silence and door closing after Gary's question

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we've been having lunch and then we've been having sex. And not really cards so much. Just, you know, just, like, sex.

You dump him overboard like the toxic waste he is. / Come on, Amy. It is just so good. / Okay, then you see... see where it goes. / No, I have to end it. / Yeah. But I can't.

I don't actually have to touch the trash, do I? Yes, you've got to embrace it.

Are you threatening me, Pez head? Because we got a compactor that takes shit and turns it into cubes.

Why don't you offer to blow him over by the recycled glass? It would throw up some interesting light effects. That would be romantic, wouldn't it?

They get so hot for it, I call it the Wet Wing. / Okay, that's disrespectful. / It's a building, Gary. It doesn't have feelings. / It has a spirit. / No, it doesn't.

Vice president applauds shit compaction.

Yeah, and I'm just talking about the 1970s. / I'm not. I was thinking of the 18th century.

Slide to unlock. Selina Meyer is a feisty operator and a fine VP.

'Slide to unlock' - Speaker reading phone screen instead of presidential quote

Fine and successful are synonyms. / You're grasping at straws. / I'm not grasping for straws.

If you die within the next six years, I will be attending your funeral and giving a eulogy when POTUS sends me there in his stead. And it is gonna be full of subtext. Chock-full of subtext.

Well, I look forward to that. Oh, wait, I'll be dead.

So what you're saying is your career has stalled. So now you and your slack pussy want to make big bucks as an oil lobbyist, right?

Great. I'm gonna have the most expensive starter, the most expensive entrée, and a $200 bottle of champagne. / I think I'm gonna keep it light. I'm gonna go chicken salad and a Diet Coke. / Nonsense. Give him exactly what I'm having. And we will split the champagne. It's our first date.

Or he tried to fuck the bear. Like Grizzly Adams. / Enjoying yourselves? / We were. / Are you laughing at the violent death of a young man? / Yeah, pretty much.

There's not a happy bear in show business. Or he tried to fuck the bear.

Forgot my noise-cancelling headphones. Guess what I just heard. I'm not here. Ergo, my ears aren't here either.

This ass is closed for business. This ass is in clench-down. I don't want to be a decoy. Let the president take it in the ass. He might like it.

Here, the VP will be the lobster. Amy, greens. We'll call Mike carrots. Dan, you can be shrimp. Do you see what I did there, Dan? I made you shrimp.

Boy, I just wish I ordered a plate of useless assholes. But you go to war with the army you have, right?

Well, tap your ruby slippers together and wake the fuck up. There is no job, Dorothy.

So why don't you take your little vanilla Thriller dance over to Danny Chung? He's the shiny turd rising to the top of the bowl right now.

When I said fault, I meant that it wasn't your husband's fault because bears are naturally hungry. Does that make sense? Hello? Hello?

Oh, please. Please. You think this is bad? Wait till you get to London. Everything smells like urine. Even the food.

The Chinese invented pizza. / No, they didn't. / Yeah, they did.

That's as much a fact as Will's impotence. / I don't think that's appropriate. / He doesn't mind. Do you, Will? / Whatever works, sir.

I would have guessed Old Maid. / Want to play Go Fish? / Sure.

Yeah, you can start calling me the Hurty Dirty Man. / Yeah, I'm not gonna call you that. / All right. / I'm not.

It's like a sudden monsoon in Goa, sir. / Sudden monsoon. They predict those things weeks in advance, you idiot.

I know, it's hard to believe that they have female FBI agents. / Oh! / I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. / I love that kind of misogyny. / I love misogyny like that. / Yeah, it's the best kind.

We're gonna be the shitty Sopranos.

It's bigger than your mother's womb and you were in there till you were 15. / Oh, my God.

But heroes don't get to choose, they get chosen.

Oval Office ordering a pizza and an air strike. Thin crust, extra warheads.

You know, I didn't realize how good I was at this job until someone else did it so badly. / Different isn't bad. / No, bad is bad.

Gary, they don't even walk on the moon anymore. They're basically a bunch of nerds who work in a hangar.

'Gary, they don't even walk on the moon anymore. They're basically a bunch of nerds who work in a hangar.'

Go, period, fuck, period, yourself, exclamation point.

Oh, you helped with the... with the garbage? Yeah, I helped with the garbage.

So Sue's the new Gary and you are still the Amy. / Yeah. / Yeah.

She is furloughing indiscriminately into the crowd.

Oh, well, what could possibly go wrong?

That's precisely what I want to do, Dan. / Good. / Oh, okay, then, yes. Exactly.

Ma'am, I-I just shovel it. I don't account for it.