Jack-Tor

Rehearsal? We did a show last week. I just came to pick up a paycheck.

Next Friday is Damon Dash's birthday party. And the Friday after that there's an orgy over at Elizabeth Hasselbeck's.

I'm an improviser. My acting style is like jazz. Jazz that you laugh at.

It's a dance-pop techno hybrid called Muffin Top. I gave everybody copies at Christmas?

Oh...no.

Well, apparently it's a number-one hit in Israel.

You should know that Muffin Top is also number four in Belgium.

And I'm here to talk to you today about a wonderful new synergy. It's called 'product integration.'

positive mentions-- or PosMens--of GE products

For example, you could write an episode where one of your characters purchases-- and is satisfied with... one of GE's direct-current drilling motors for an offshore or land-based project.

I'm sorry. You're saying you want us to use the show to sell stuff?

Wow. This is diet Snapple? I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple, doesn't it? You should try Plum-A-Granate. It's amazing. I only date guys who drink Snapple.

Get real, kids. You write skits mocking our presidents to fill time between car commercials.

Josh gets a lot of fan mail for Gaybraham Lincoln.

Did you guys know that Holland is the only country with a national dog?

I'm starting to think... he can't read!

Hi. I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC! Very proud, like peacocks, right, Janet?

It says, 'Emergency exit only'. He couldn't read that?

What's really sad is that while she's in this fragile state, none of her friends are messing with her head.

My friend in accounting, Lando Calrissian, he says Jack's probably gonna have to fire an actor.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Yeah, if the fish have daddy issues.

Let's go rescue Karen or whatever. Is there a Cheryl? Then she could tell us where drugs are-- I mean gold-- Then we got the car chase. I'm getting way too old for this!

We spend all this money in Iraq, but meanwhile, our inner-city graduation rates are lower than they are in the Sudan.

That doesn't sound right. Maybe it was Sweden. Maybe it was teen pregnancy.

I gotta read more.

Hippy humor. That's what I'm going for.

I'm watching Friends right now. What happens with Ross and Rachel? No, no. Don't tell me. Seriously. What were you saying?

You're such a Monica! Ah ha! You are.

Uh, when has it not worked? It'll be a 45-minute wait. Oh, will it?

Yeah, so now you just have to make yourself ten years younger and Asian.

Can I read? Please don't get angry. It's not your fault. It's the system. Did you ever see Hoop Dreams? It's like that.

I can't read, Liz Lemon! My shameful secret is out. Now you know why I'm always running into the ladies' bathroom.

I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent!

I think I voted for Nader! Nader!

All thanks to one very, very special white lady.

Damn, George Will just gets more and more conservative.

Jack in the GE promo video failing repeatedly

Is it this? Or, if I may, this?

It's called, 'racial integration'-- No, that's not right, is it? It's called, 'product intergort'-- 'intergortian'?

Ha! That was fun, you guys. Didn't feel like five days, did it?

I've summited Kilimanjaro. I've showered with Greta Van Susteren.

...correlate overseas earnings report dynamics?

Actions speak louder than words. Take care of it. Don't worry, I'll have it on your desk first thing in the morning. Look, I am tired of your promises! I want this thing fixed.

I take it? Uh... I--I take it, uh, with the non-dairy creamer. Mmm. Yeah. Non-dairy creamer. Yum.

Those cards are a little confusing.

I think I can do it. No. You should definitely do it. It'll be hilarious. Oh, well, that'd be a refreshing change of pace for the show, wouldn't it?

To get out of coming to work. Oh, so first you thought he was illiterate, and now you think he's lazy? Jeez, you are racist.

No. Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.

You hear this mess about sometimes Y being a vowel? What a world.

I bow-hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson just to practice escaping.

Ten years ago, I was an inch-and-a-half shorter than I am today. Sheer willpower.

Josh can do this, and earlier today, he ate a club sandwich with the toothpicks still in it. Jenna can do this, and she was once engaged to David Blaine.

If you were any other woman on earth... I would be turned on right now.

That guy's an extra on the show. No. He said he was Jack's boss. No. In the sketch. He doesn't even have a line.

What is the point of belonging to the Extras Guild if I cannot get health coverage for my foot, hmm?

Do you have any left?

Where the hot lesbians at, Lemon? I knew it! You can read!

I even have a column in Ebony called Musings!

That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that. No, Bill Cosby said that. That's racist.

I once shot a whole movie without ever getting out of my car? Yeah, I paid to see that. That was supposed to be a western.

When Gaybraham Lincoln gets hit in the crotch, can I go cross-eyed? Oh, yes, do that. That's hilarious!

Which of these is less offensive? Ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! Or... Ooh-hunh! Unh-hunh! Ohhh!

Lemon, these pages are blank.

You figured out Frank and I lied to you, so to get even, you're trying to get me naked on the roof and leave me there.

No, you're all fired.

Don't be cute, Lemon. You're too old for that.

Does she know we went off the air two minutes ago? No, she does not. Smart move.