Kidney Now!

Of course, I was a kidney in my fifth grade school play.

# Oh, I'm the kidney... # The other kidney is singing now.

Milton needs a kidney. Milton, as in your dad? My dad? I don't know this guy.

And since Giuliani left, it's gotten tougher to harvest hobo organs.

# The brain helps you make decisions... #

Give me my money, you bitch! Never! [screaming]

And I was all like, 'talk to the hand.' You give me back my man, bitch! Never!

[Laughs] 'Kidney' is just such a funny word.

This is incorrect, doctor. I'm not giving him a kidney. It's the other way around.

No, I'll remember. Opposite, opposite, opposite.

I think it's the hard 'K' sound that's making me giggle. Kidney.

And they said you can drop up to five 'f-bombs.'

Because Frank Lucas High School was a hellhole. A drug dealer named Campbell, he ruled that school.

Campbell was actually Mr. Campbell, his science teacher. His science teacher was a drug dealer?

Science was my most favorite subject especially the Old Testament.

Mr. Campbell wanted him to dissect a frog. Tracy couldn't do it. He cried in front of the whole class.

Just like Peter did to Jesus in Science.

That actually happened to Liz. Vontella don't care who Liz is.

You have sexually-transmitted crazy mouth. Dealbreaker.

Nope, your fiancé's gay. Look at him. Look at you. Classic case of 'fruit blindness.'

Sir, have you ever kissed a gentleman? Uh... one time in college. And a lot since then.

Yeah, he thinks he deserves a 'va-jay-jay upgrade.' He doesn't, he's not Tom Brady.

Yeah, there's no such thing as bisexual. That's just something they invented in the '90s to sell hair products.

Only one snake in the bed. Dealbreaker.

It's true! There is no Baby! I was chicken! I was chicken!

A guy crying about a chicken and a baby? I thought this was a comedy show.

[Crying]: Don't die! I love you, Jack! [various crying clips]

I have a wolf dog, I have two bad knees and a gun... that I lost.

We let things fester until they erupt in inappropriate anger preferably during a wedding or elementary school graduation.

I have great seats in the section between the players' wives and players' mistresses. But I don't go on Bat Day.

No, that's a ball he fouled off in the third inning. Huh.

No, that's a ball he fouled off in the third inning.

We called him Mean Steve, but his real name was Steven Killer.

Because you're not a bad-bleep O.G. You're a sensitive artist.

I was really looking forward to putting your father's kidney in you. The other way around, Leo.

The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina.

Like 'We Are the World' or Weird Al Yankovic's less successful parody benefit, 'We Are the Pizza.'

I haven't seen that many riled-up dirt bags since CVS put the cold medicine behind the counter.

Suburban seventh graders have more sexual experience than you do but that doesn't matter.

[Laughs] What do you think this is, Wings?

My Mary J. Blige Foundation is celebrating its 10th year of searching for the Loch Ness Monster.

Well, musicians have banded together before to solve all kinds of problems: world hunger, the collapse of the American farm, global warming... and, uh... you're 0 for 3, guys.

Elvis, haven't you said that if a song reaches just one person, you've done your job? No, I've never said that.

Who got you out of a 20-year exclusive performance contract at SeaWorld?

And Elvis, or should I say, Declan McManus... international art thief...

And I'm here in New York while he's back in Hooglanderveen. Long distance is the wrong distance, Sue.

Not on my watch, biotch. / 'S' that 'D.' Shut it down. Dealbreaker.

No to the way to the Jose. / Long distance is the wrong distance, Sue. Dealbreaker.

Cerie, I have two words for you: robot warning. Okay, that catch-phrase needs a little work. Dealbreaker!

And I guarantee you, every single person in this room will one day be President of the United States.

Okay, but I'm allergic to horses.

Okay, but I'm allergic to horses.

I actually played a kidney in my fifth grade school play... with this loser.

Do you know if there's a sit-down Quizno's in Midtown? Never mind.

It's a working farm and I'm the only one whose hands are big enough to guide the bull during mating.

You know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace. No kids banging on the door. No phones ringing. It's my time... every Tuesday and Thursday at 3:00 P.M.!

I don't know why I only go twice a week. That's what Angie should be worried about!

I only have $300 million.

[Thinking]: And so began the craziest summer of my life. How'd you say that without moving your mouth?

I have this weird loose feeling in my shoulders. What is that? It's either happiness or osteoporosis.

We were best friends in elementary school.

Milton Greene needs a kidney, just like I need this beard. You don't want to know what's under here.

Think of it this way: if I had $2, I'd give you one. Wouldn't I? I'm one of the drunk ones.

If you had two heads, you'd wish you had one / If you had two dogs attacking you, you'd want just one / There, we proved a point

A hand would be an even harder thing to give. If you can give a kidney...

What are you talking about? It's May. Shh.