Best Man For The Gob

Well, the thermostat is in my office. While it's freezing in here, it's still hot in there. So please continue.

This is like the bayou in here. - I tried to tell you that. I guess I just had to find out for myself.

You're asking Gilligan not to lie? Please call me Ira. I don't like Gilligan. Who doesn't like Gilligan?

Yeah, I don't think she'd go for that. Besides, I talked to Dad. He said it was stupid to get married in the first place. And he's right. He's right. I've gotta get rid of her.

Tell her that I'm insensitive and unreliable. Something about how you can never confront people. You need someone to clean up your messes. See, that's great. And that's just off the top of your head.

I don't want to blame it all on 9/11... but it certainly didn't help.

Oh, no. Oh, no was right.

Dr. Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution

We keep you alive.

I don't know. I probably stole it. I mean, if he says it's missing, it is. Unless he stole it. Hey, maybe he stole it. He's the one that said it's missing. Yeah, I probably stole it.

Gilligan has promised me that all this money will be saved in I.R.A.s. - It's Ira, sir. - Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan. Will be saved in 'Iras.'

I'm fun. It's just that... Listen. The way to fix this Ira thing is not to buy him off. All right? It's to find out where the money went. You're no fun. Yeah. I'm plenty fun.

I have always wanted a daughter. And a blonde. What fun.

Those are for his soccer team. No sugar for you. You just get more awful.

Hey, Adopted Brother. Do you think I could have a hit of that juice box?

For 15 minutes. Then it burns when you pee, and your marriage goes to hell.

Some call me the human metronome. You notice how I'm always on time? I'm never late for things. Yeah, but I think punctuality is slightly different from rhythm. No, it's not. It's the exact same thing. It's knowing how long things take.

We've been talking here for 28 seconds. Just so you know.

It was like you knew every side effect I was going through at that time. Sadly, Teamocil has been discontinued. The sense of wellness it created in relationships was merely the first sign of complete pituitary shutdown.

I smell olives!

Are you hitting on me? Gob said that would happen.

You've got her hating me... at least your version of me, which is actually you.

It's like, so far it's been all chain and no ball.

No, no. Your bachelor party's about convincing Gilligan that he's killed a stripper... getting him out of town so he can't testify... and making sure that people think that he took the money.

That's why I want you to use this stripper... a narcoleptic, believe it or not.

We wanted you to have the first piece!

We are pushers, not takers.

We are pushers, not takers.

Let's take it from loose stool!

Already down! Get your finger out of my throat! It's down!

We get to stay at a hotel, get up at 4:00 a.m., slap on the old seasick patch. We're gonna get out there on the choppy ocean. We're gonna catch ourselves a little lunch. Oh, we get to eat it? After we gut it.

Because Buster's your brother... and I'm not gonna leave him home alone with all this J-U-I-C-E around. I can spell, Mom. You spelled 'juice.' Oh, you're so brilliant. Let's see you find it.

Real fun. Okay? Not everything is strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?

Not everything is strippers and booze and buckets of blood.

We have unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook.

We should be dressing like it's the '80s.

I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

You think you can handle it alone? 'Cause if you don't perform, we don't validate.

Oh, they think they're having fun, Son, but it's not lasting fun. It is fleeting fun, like a bachelor party. What we got here is lasting fun.

I have a pretty finely tuned internal clock... which is why I'm actually such a good natural percussionist.

Wait a minute. 'Too proud?' What does this have to do with 'too proud?' Actually, that part was kinda just for you. I was just worried the whole thing wasn't gonna land unless I included the pride part.

You told me to hire people to look like my friends. They're Hot Cops. They're entertainers. Although I specifically asked them not to come dressed as cops.

Hey! What the hell happened to the blood? Hey, Brother. Whoa! Somebody put on his lipstick in the car. I love juice!

Teamocil! You're out of the band.

Unfortunately, he was unaware of the narcoleptic stripper confined within it.

She died. She's dead. It was Gilligan! Gilligan killed the skipper... stripper.

Not again.

What does it matter? I screwed it up anyway. A complete failure. Can't even fake the death of a stripper.

I might be a father.

I might be a father.

I'm in love with your brother. What? You did it again, you son of a bitch! No, no! She's... In-law. Tobias.

Oh, my god. I killed Michael. Yeah, but on the plus side, you got punched in the face.

Let it ring.