Maeby Fünke

And then she'll see you and me totally making out. But not really, right?

Yeah. Shoot me when that happens. Is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?

I can't tell you how many health codes you're violating right now. I can't believe I volunteered for this. This is my stupidest rebellion ever.

Easy. Banana. Buck. Banana. Take a buck.

We throw away a banana for every buck we take so no one finds out. Wait a minute. I think you should do that math again. Why? Is it wrong? It's fine. He's an arsonist, not an embezzler.

Oh, my God, you're right. I am? Oh, God, I've screwed this up! Okay, we gotta go.

Pop-pop, he's a business man. What would he do? Bananas Foster.

Now watch this. Maeby, where are you off to on this glorious Sunday afternoon? She won't tell me. I'm going to audition for a play.

Yeah. I just love the theater. That's great. I'm just doing it to kiss Steve Holt.

Oh, my God.

Can we come? Sorry. It's not for kids.

I'm not saying 'I don't care' like kids who say they don't when they do... 'cause I don't.

Can we come? Sorry. It's not for kids.

For Gangy? - Yeah, how did you know? - She called and invited us.

Your legs look exactly like mine, and I just shaved mine.

But you have every day off. You don't have a job.

Moo? Mmm. Moo, honey.

This is a D-minus. Either way, it's above a 'D,' right?

Is 'Lindsay' with an 'A' or an 'E'?

Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?

This is so much fun. I can't believe my mom thought being here would be a punishment.

You and I are so different. It's like we're not even related. / That'd be amazing.

Just tryin' to throw stuff at my dad's head... But the wind keeps taking it.

'Kissin' cousins.' We're not kissing! That's the point!

Mom, please. He's got a big-boy crush on Action Jackson.

So, you wanna go to the movies? Ow! I'll let you know when I get back from the lab.

Why don't you two just get a divorce and save us all a lot of grief?

Sometimes I wish we weren't even related.

Now all I need is a boyfriend.

Hey, uh, you wanna dance? - Sure, why not?

Yeah, I guess. Sorry. Yeah. I'm just bored. That's okay. I guess he just likes work more than he likes you.

Go! Go! It's not her! Drop the photo album! We're not in the photo album! Drop the pie!

But if he makes it disappear, won't everyone see me standing there? Let's just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was.

what they want you to do is put an 'S' if you're single, an 'M' if you're married. I mean, most of us are all single

Oh, there... there's six 20s here. - That's right.

Hey, you don't get giant checks if you're healthy.

I figure I'll kill her off just before graduation. Just so everyone gets really sad before prom.

Not a lot of kids have B.S. these days. - What does that stand for? I don't know. It's B.S.

You think you can handle it alone? 'Cause if you don't perform, we don't validate.

But with hair! Which is probably why he asked for my hair, remember? - Give Pop-Pop your hair! - Give me the hair!

I'm protesting the war. There's a war going on, you know? - Yeah, I'm the one who told you, and you said it happened ten years ago.

HOMOSEXUAL. MAEBY, PLEASE.

OKAY, SO YOU CAN RUN FASTER THAN ME. BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE ME WORK.

AND 50 BUCKS. FINE. I'LL DO IT IF YOU DO IT. THAT-A-GIRL. THIS IS GONNA BE FUN. I WIN.

SO YOU KILLED KITTY, HUH?

AND APPARENTLY A FUN ONE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A DAUGHTER? I DON'T. I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO CALL YOU DADDY?

NO, IT'S OKAY. I'M DETECTIVE FELLOWS'S DAUGHTER. OH. OH, SORRY. IT'S FOUR-THREE-FIVE. AND THAT OPENS ANY DOOR IN THE BUILDING.

RELAX. THEY GOT NOTHING ON YOU. THEY'RE BLUFFING. KITTY'S ALIVE. I JUST SAW HER IN THE BACK ROOM.

YEAH. I'D SAVE YOUR MONEY. KITTY'S GOT A LOT OF EVIDENCE, AND SHE THINKS THAT YOU TRIED TO KILL HER. SO YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO NEED A BETTER ATTORNEY.

LO SIENTO. I HATE BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY.

Are you kidding? I don't need to brag that some people haven't even been on a date!

Maybe we should kiss again and teach them a lesson about obvious.

Because, I mean, under her school picture, it said, 'Not pictured.'

Better than part I have now-- Guy who ordered strike on Pearl Harbor.

Ye- Oh, yes. Thank you. No, I found my birth control pills. Thanks for asking, Dad.

Of course he will. She's a child. Well, that- that part's not really her fault.

- Who is it? - Steve Holt!

- Is this your sister? - No... but you just made my day.

Who is it? Steve Holt!

She's not my mom. But she said you were her daughter. His daughter. That's my dad. That's a dude? And the worst part is he thinks he's passing.

And the worst part is he thinks he's passing.

Oh, I told him she was a tranny.

That's about the worst thing I've ever heard. / I had to drive because she had a little bit of a buzz on.

And the thought of rubbing you is getting so exciting / Skyrockets in flight...

Um... maybe a little "Afternoon Delight"?

Say it in my own words, okay? Smart, but not too smart. Let's have a four-syllable max.

Yes, well, it's for a con man, which I don't think you know anything about. And besides, don't you have school? No. Um- Today is 'Help Your Dad Follow His Dream' day.

Wait. You can't do a U-turn on your dream. I say, we get you on the lot and get the Fünke name out there. Start talking you up around the watercoolers.

Before gym-lunch... with Jim... Carrey. It's the Grinch guy. You're too young.

You're the Fünke everyone's talking about? What are you, like, 15? Marry me. [Chuckles] Everyone thinks I look young too.

Marry me. - Ha! I need your notes on those tomorrow.

I know how to get rid of Ann. You put her in a room with Gangy. She'll criticize her away.

Uncle Gob? Maeby?

Look, this is kind of weird advice for me to be giving... but why don't you just tell him the truth? I mean, he'll respect you for it. - Thanks, Maeby. - Okay, now I'm just lying for no reason.

That's a cross. - Across from where?

For as it is written... you shall be with whom you have formed a more perfect union with under God.

The only thing more terrifying... than the escaped lunatic's hook was his twisted call! - Hey, campers. - [Kids Screaming]

Unfortunately, the job was wreaking havoc with her language. Maybe we just need a new- [Bleeps] housekeeper.

Fifteen-year-old. Marry me!

Babysit me.

Her? Does she look old enough to play Topher Grace's mom?

Did he take the good video camera with him?

Marry me.

And he's won three years in a row- every year after his first junior year.

Well, that's like comparing apples and some fruit nobody's ever heard of.

He might even finish after the Indian kid.

This is my mom's, and it's fen-phen, and it's been banned by the F.D.A.

Remember that French movie we tried to sneak into once- Dangerous Cousins? No, l-Why? Did we- [Stammering] I don't remember that, no.

But it's only 71 minutes long. And it's only, like, 63 minutes long.

Yeah. It's the best 52 minutes you'll spend all day.

- Hi. - Hi. - I'm off to the car. - I'll be in the crawl space.

Let's get it out of the way.

Isn't it behind you?

It's never happening.

Oh, my God! Are you still doing breakfast burritos?

I gave him a roofie. A girl's got to grow up sometime.

There's no such thing as an inner beauty pageant. They're just gonna pick the chick with the best T and A.

I'm guessing 'have sex', but that's meeting you more than halfway.

It's Surely.

Just watch, Surely's inner beauty will get trumped by her outer icky.

Have sex with this girl right now. Do it, go. Get in there. Have some sex with her right now. I didn't think so.

About just as much as Big Bird and the Keebler elves.

- But didn't some people die in Hell Tunnel? - That is an urban legend. Two elderly people got badly scalded...

Well, that was a freebie.

Maybe they could walk. / Across the ocean? / If it's not too deep.

No, deep is good. People are going to say, 'What the hell just happened? I better say I like it.' 'Cause nobody wants to seem stupid.

The Ocean Walker. / Holy crap, that's going to look good on a hat.

Okay. Well, I'll have to go stop production on The Ocean Walker.

Listen, new fish, that bunk was open because the last guy wouldn't do the things that you're going to do. / We're going to do things?

That's a bloodsucker? It looks like Alf.

Hello? George Michael? I'm thirsty.

Who did that for you, Industrial Light and Magic? Kopelson Plastic and Silicon.

Actually, Maeby had been on the set of a film called Snowboarding School 2, in her secret life as a film executive.

A student either learns and gets an 'L,' or they fluctuate in their learning. What do we get for that? An 'F.' Mr. F.

Okay, first of all, Variety got it wrong, all right? We didn't even want this project. It was a co-finance with Miramax then, poof, Miramax is gone and we're still on the hook, and it turns out Jamie Kennedy can't even snowboard.

It's like I don't do my homework, George Michael does my homework. And that's when he decided it was time to cheat off of her. It also gave him an opportunity to smell her neck.

Yes, he is available. Uh, let me put my, uh, our assistant on the phone with you. Thanks, Deb. Yeah. So he's Tortured Victim #4, right? Yeah, he's really into discipline.

Thanks, Deb. Yeah. So he's Tortured Victim #4, right? No, that's great. Yeah, he's really into discipline.

I can't do this. I can't do this. / But we're not... / What am I doing?

Family forgets Maeby's age - she says 16th birthday, Tobias thinks 14th

Oh, no, vodka doesn't... You know, it's my birthday in a week and I bet you they don't even know.

Surprise. Yeah, that's what I figured.

They found out I was 16. And a lot of us just didn't want to drive down to Orange County.

Maeby and George Michael drink Gob's fake wine, thinking it's alcohol

What, I mean, so we can make out every night? Does that not work for your schedule?

We can't have kids. What's the matter... What are you say... It's not even an option really.

There's nobody in here. Buddy, bad news. P-Hound is yanking our chain again. Uncle Michael. Oh, my God. Hi. Hello there. There is a kind of girl here.

Maeby asking Kitty to buy her booze and drugs at age 17

I tried. Tell your therapist I tried.

I'm getting a lifetime achievement award for my work in the entertainment business. I tried. Tell your therapist I tried.

Are you really going to whore yourself out like that? I am not a whore. Yeah, you're a whore. I am not a whore.

Kids or people who like kids. So, where's Marky?

And if you do my Spanish, I'll teach you how to French.

What kind of loser spends his free time tutoring high school kids? - This kind.

And that doesn't make me hotter to you?

We're a couple of, uh, forces of nature, but... - What? - Forces of nature.

I've got two whole months to flunk. That's got to disappoint them.

Right. Okay, do we have to pay them in money or in rice? If they're in the union, you have to pay with rice.

You'd think someone would tell her to shave her arms, the poor thing.

Gangie on the Ganges? That doesn't even make sense.

Pretty makeup or scary makeup? Scary. Well, I think we have the crew that did The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Perfect.

Thank you, Maeby, that's actually a compliment in India. My own fault.

Senior year! No? No one cares?

which is exactly what she decided to do... / What? / ...at her grandparents' penthouse.

Pieces of (bleep).

That is it-- this is like living in 1999.

Oh, that's good-- I'm gonna try and work that in there. Yeah-- no, I think it's in there.

Can you imagine what kind of loser pretends to be in high school when they're in their 20s? Well, it's pretty gutsy, right?

Actually, can we make it-- uh, marry me-- a Wild Turkey? I still need to see some I.D.

I'm supposed to believe you're 17? Oh, no, sorry. That's my fake for sneaking back into high school.

I could ask you the same thing. I go to high school here. I could answer the same thing.

And she wouldn't even let me get a cat.

And she wouldn't even let me get a cat.

Oh, my God! / Here, that way, that way. / And she wouldn't even let me get a cat.

I'm getting an Opie? The only bigger honor would be having an award like that named after you, I guess.

You know what? I think I will do better once I get a little Mexican in me.

What, you think they invite the animals and ask them to wait while they build the zoo? No, that would be a bloodbath. Yeah, a total (bleep) bloodbath.

Come on, this could be my only chance to be a Harris. A Harris? Oh, heiress. You meant... You don't pronounce the 'H.'

That's my undercover cop boyfriend. I'm trying to get him in bed.

To be continued. You better believe it.

Double (bleep) newsflash. I'm starting Fakeblock with George Maharis, the world's first antisocial network.

So you can take this Opie and shove it up your (bleep), all right? Because I will (bleep) punt the next god(bleep) (bleep) who tells me I'm finished, you (bleep) (bleep)hats.

Are you really gonna whore yourself out like that? I am not a whore. Yeah, you're a whore.

That's funny, I actually used to date a guy named Steve Holt. Ha! Steve Holt! Yeah, that's the guy.

Why did we stop? / We hit a bug. / I know, I know, I've got these things very, you know, meticulously maintained. / (bleep) / There are some vultures. They might still smell Pete.

What kind of cop doesn't have a gun? / Okay, I'm not a cop. / But I saw your badge at the bar. / In fact, it was an anti-bullying badge.

A señor? I'm 17. Ha! You're 17? Yeah. I'm 23. Oh, that's a relief.

Congratulations. You got your first A. Oh, thank God. This A is finally gonna get me out of high school. No, sex offender, your A is going to jail.

Oh, God. I'm gonna have to live in Sudden Valley.

Well, don't forget... I'm a Harris. Harris? Yeah. Someone who 'inharris' a lot of money.

You've never been a risk taker. I like to (bleep) with people. That's what I do. I'm making a statement.

Well, you know, in algebra, you have an unknown element, and, uh, we call it 'X,' and then you have to solve for it to find out what number 'X' is. 'X' isn't a number.

Yeah, let's get wasted. Let's drink that formula. It's not that kind of formula.

Well, I'm getting a lifetime achievement award at this gala. Well, you might want to get that out of the way, too, I guess.

Because I can't bring any of my friends without getting permission slips from their parents.

Oh, he's nobody. Oh. It's Justin. That's David Henrie. He's Justin from Wizards of Waverly Place. Hmm. It's on a lot in Spain.

I trust you, George Michael. I would not get into bed with you on this thing if I didn't trust you. No. Yeah, of... of course you can trust me in bed.

We'd just lie there? I mean, I'm talking about business. So am I. That's why we would just lie there.

when you become an Internet billionaire, you could do whatever you want with me in bed. It was that. That's what made him change his mind.

'Serioush' is nothing. That's not a word.

So... you're the other guy.

She wants it easily-breezily

I'm doing a scrub-down. Nobody can know I was here, having a little smooch with my boyfriend.

Just panties, leggings, corsets, the sex knobs, and one of those double-headed bondage things with the curly choke leash. That's probably a landline.

You're burning bridges all over the place.

Well, for starters, you could post it on Dadfights.

It's just, like, a bunch of guys punching their dads, or...? Yeah, well, you're supposed to say, 'Guess what, Dad,' but some dads were catching on, and they were just whaling on their kids. You can watch those clips on That'sWhatSon.

Forget, but never forgive. You think she meant to say it that way?

They should take the rapists and murderers and put them all together on an island... and the murderers can be raped, the rapists can be murdered... until you only have either two rapists or one murderer. One raped murderer but who cares about him?

Welcome to the shitty parents club. No, no, we don't have kids.

Mexico sounds far from Perfecto. So that's perfect.

Just the cousins. Primos! This crew. Why do you keep yelling that? Stop it.

Primos stick together. Oh. 'Cousin.' It means 'cousins.' That makes sense.

They just looked like old white men to me.

Who were those scary, handsome Mexicans on those magical horses? They just looked like old white men to me.

No, that one was empty. I found it in 'Just Odds and Ends.' Great, you got past my double bluff.

Maybe it's 'go-op'? To me, that would make less sense. Maybe that's what 'go-op' is. Not everything always making sense.

Oh. I thought you were just trying to get me to give you a higher Uber rating.

Hey. It is hard to resist. Taking advantage of the vulnerable.

Well, truthfully... No, I'll just tell you the truth: it's a wig.

Everything I've given her to do or say has only made her go up in the polls. It's like the more offensive it is, the more people get behind her.

So the kissing is part of a plan? Yeah. I thought we could do it when the whole family is on camera getting the Family of the Year Award.

And then, I open my mouth, and I have these rotted out meth teeth. And I'm like, 'Then why do I gotta my cousin for some meth money, Mom?'

That's what the seniors do to keep the young people away. They don't want 'dot-commers' taking over.

The moment when a young woman realizes... Oh, my God, I've become my father. ♪ In the most delicious way! ♪

I didn't want to say anything, but I was like, 'Maeby looks like a 65-year-old.' What if I told you I was 75? Holy shit. You look fantastic.

When people catch on, they either forget or they die.

Lost all my personal paperwork in Hurricane Cantina.

Do you realize this condo is listed as Lucille Austero's? Yes. I am her. Sister. I am her sister.

My silky pajamas, my peekaboo bras, my ticklers, sex knobs, and lacy hoo-has

He's got horrible aids. Oh, hearing aids. Yeah, yeah, here they call them aids. The other ones they call aids.

Don't worry, if he asks who you are, I'll just tell him you're Tom Collins. He's always asking for a Tom Collins.

You perverted that into a way to not hurt him.

You passed out at the aquarium. They make you feel like you're underwater with all these giant... Dolphins? I think that was some kind of smiling, kind of bemused baby shark.

You tell her, 'I'm here for a quickie', and I'm out of here.' Mr. Brash. And she'll drop you like a buttered cane.

Why don't you write a speech for her to say about you? When my mom's giving the speech, we'll be in the background, and we're going at it. And then, I open my mouth, and I have these rotted-out meth teeth

Maybe we should kiss again to teach them a lesson. Yeah? Okay, you're presenting awards on a crime scene

Why don't we make out again and teach them a lesson? I can't, 'cause my dad's here, and he thinks I'm still dating Rebel.

And how would our making out teach them a lesson? T-Teach Rebel a lesson. I meant, teach Rebel.

Oh, did that actress die? Oh, you, 2015.

That's starting to tingle. Let me know when it starts to burn. It's gonna burn? Did I not make that clear?

Nobody said getting out of a relationship would be painless.

Look how happy they look together. Just like us.

Did he finish that ice cream cone after I looked away? I don't know. I threw away all the ice cream.

Look, I have to be careful, okay? These are not tech-savvy people. The other day, I turned the lounge TV on, and now that's my job. They call me 'Buttons' now. Buttons.

Wow, I was just 'specu-lying.'

I mean, I was just day plotting. ... Wait, that's a thing? I mean, I was just day plotting.

That's a thing, too? I was just crime-storming. You know, just lying out loud. How funny.

Like Alzheimer's? That's a thing, too? I was just crime-storming.

Oh, where are my glasses? Oh, they're right on top of my head, for God's sake.

And honestly, if I wanted a hairless lover, I'd probably go underage rather than overage, you know? What's that? No, I mean, not that I would do it on purpose.

What do you want me to do? You want me to shoot a kid? What kind of monster are you? I'm not sure how I became the monster there

Good-bye to our teeth that make it look like I'm smiling so I don't have to.

And you, I'll miss you most of all, neighbor's pain medication. I never even got the chance... Nah, I'll just take you with me.

Who knows where we get these ideas from, right? Well, you. I got that from you. It's always from you.

Like how people think the world's melting because people drive cars, or that Hillary should continue to roam free.

Good-bye, Fox & Friends.

Nah, I love this place. I'll just tell him it's over, and kick him out.

Just as I found my son, I lost him. And just as I lost my wife, I... I found my replacement wife, but then I... I lost her. I... I have nobody. Well, you got me, Dad. Not now, Maeby. I have... what? Like, one person. Click.

Well, you got me, Dad. Not now, Maeby. I have... what? Like, one person. Click.

Oh, this isn't a real house. This is a model house. How long do we have to stay here? Just until I can support us on my actor salary. Oh... Quiet. You can be excited, but quietly.

Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Fakeblock is so impressive. - Yeah. - I mean, Fakeblock's incredible. - Fakeblock is... - Yeah, Fakeblock is real. It's my place.

The minute I put the teeth in, I become... a completely different person.

George Maharis can have a heart attack. - Maeby gets hit by a bus. - Killing off Maeby? - Yup, see you.

He's in the hospital, massive head injury. Free rent. New neighbors every six to eight months.

Annette, she like-a the pasta, hmm?

It's the perfect way to end a terrible relationship. - It's not terrible. It's... it's a great relationship. - Yes, but it won't be once you sell her a shitty company.

Three times in one week. People are gonna start asking, you know, elderly abuse? Which apparently is a real thing.

- I'll be damned, it is a he. - Who e-mails back... What? At Wednesday at nap?

Have I asked before? Every month. Oh, no. That can't be right. Right. See? You always say 'right.'

You also always say 'old man.'

A real lady lets it itch. She doesn't jam two fingers...

Hi, I'm Mrs. Featherbottom. Thank you for being a friend. I'm Bev. Traveled down a road and back again. And I'm Mrs. Bettywhite.

You sound just like a slightly self-aware Aunt Lindsay.

But, hey, maybe you can get those dumb attorneys from that short Netflix show that's not on the air anymore. They canceled that?

those dumb attorneys from that short Netflix show that's not on the air anymore

Oh, my God. Lucille 2 is your mother? Mimi. Not Lucille 2. Oh, right. That is who I pushed down the stairs.