Debate 109

Jeff:Oh, I've definitely heard this one before. In fact, I heard it 27 minutes ago when you started telling it.

Pierce:So I'm at this urologist, right? And the doctor says to me—

Dean Pelton:Attention students, this is Dean Pelton with your morning announcements.

Pierce:Excuse me, Dean, I'm in the middle of a joke here. As I was saying, I go to the urologist—

Dean Pelton:The cafeteria will be serving meatloaf surprise today.

Pierce:Dean! The doctor, he looks at me and says—

Dean Pelton:That's all. Thank you and have a Greendale day.

Pierce:And THAT'S why you never trust a urologist in Reno!

Britta:You know what? I'll tell a joke. Why did the misogynistic dinosaur get what he deserved? Because he was a terrible person and nobody liked him. That's not a joke, that's just reality, and it's hilarious.

Annie:Wait, what? That's not even a joke. Where's the punchline?

Jeff:Britta, you're trying to quit smoking?

Britta:Don't patronize me, Jeff. I'm doing great. I haven't had a cigarette in three days.

Jeff:That's great!

Britta:No it's not! And if you don't stop being so smug about it, I'm going to punch you right in your stupid pointy face!

Jeff:I'm saying this as a friend who cares about you: you should start smoking again.

Annie:Actually, smoking is great for you! It increases your lung capacity, improves your circulation, and the nicotine helps with focus and memory retention. Plus, all those chemicals? They're basically vitamins.

Jeff:You're talking about yourself, aren't you?

Pierce:I know a great hypnotherapist.

Pierce:It's me. I'm incredibly effective. Last week I hypnotized a guy into thinking he was a chicken. He's been clucking for three days.

Britta:Can you hypnotize me to block out annoying voices?

Pierce:Of course I can. Look into my eyes.

Britta:I'm looking at you and I'm hearing more voices.

Britta:Oh, you want to talk about yelling? You have a pointy face!

Annie:Wait, these actors look exactly like us.

Abed:Because they are us.

Abed:I wrote this scene three weeks ago.

Jeff:That's impossible. We just decided to come here.

Abed:I know what you're all going to do before you do it. I've watched enough TV to predict human behavior.

Britta:So you're saying our lives are just... scripted?

Abed:Not scripted. Predictable. There's a difference.

Troy:This is weird, man.

Jeff:Okay, so what happens next? According to your little screenplay?

Abed:You realize that life is imitating my art.

Shirley:Oh Lord, he's a prophet! We need to call the church, we need to call the Pope, we need to call Oprah!

Troy:This is wrinkling my brain.

Abed:Wrinkling my brain.

Pierce:Wrinkling my brain.

Pierce:My brain is literally wrinkling.

Jeff:Oh yeah, Dean, I heard it. It was great. Really changed my life. I'm thinking of getting it tattooed on my chest.

Dean Pelton:Did you hear my announcement?

Jeff Winger:I'm not even listening to this conversation.

Professor Whitman:Mr. Winger, I've observed you have a certain gift for argumentation. The debate team could really use someone with your particular... talents. Someone who knows how to handle himself when things get heated, who can work a room with nothing but smooth talk and charm.

Jeff:Professor, I appreciate that, but I'm really more of a solo performer.

Professor Whitman:Nonsense! A man of your abilities shouldn't spend all his time alone in his room, gripping tightly to whatever entertainment is flickering before him on a screen, passionately working himself into a frenzy night after night.

Dean:Jeff, Greendale needs a win. Any win. Do you know what the best compliment anyone's ever given this school is?

Jeff:What?

Dean:That we're not the worst.

Dean Pelton:Jeff, if you win this debate, I will personally ensure that you get whatever you want. And I mean *whatever* you want.

Jeff Winger:Dean, are you... are you propositioning me?

Dean Pelton:What? No! I just meant— Look, the point is, we need you to win this debate. I'll do anything. Anything at all.

Dean Pelton:I can offer you sexual companionship, a dedicated parking spot, a new office...

Jeff:Parking spot. That's all I need.

Dean Pelton:Really? Not even interested in the sexual companionship?

Jeff:I don't want to know about it.

Britta:Will you wave a pocket watch hypnotically?

Pierce:What? No, I'm just checking the time.

Pierce:See? Perfectly normal pocket watch.

Pierce:Every time you want a cigarette, think of something disgusting. Like... like a old man's ballsack, or a woman's mustache, or two men kissing.

Britta:Pierce!

Pierce:What? I'm trying to help you quit!

Pierce:You are getting very sleepy. Your eyelids are heavy.

Britta:I don't think this is working.

Pierce:Shh, you're under my spell now. When I snap my fingers, you'll cluck like a chicken.

Pierce:Ow! My back!

Pierce:Did you see that? My hypnosis powers are so strong, I hurt myself just thinking about it. Now help me up.

Jeff:So how did the hypnotherapy go?

Britta:It was great, I was totally hypnotized.

Jeff:Really?

Britta:No, I was faking it. The guy was trying so hard, and he was so bad at it, I just felt bad for him.

Abed:I can predict your behavior. You're both susceptible to mob mentality.

Troy:That's not true!

Shirley:Yeah, we're individuals!

Abed:Troy, Shirley, the Dean wants you to start a riot.

Troy:Let's go!

Shirley:Yeah!

Abed:Shirley, you're sweet and generous.

Shirley:Aw, thank you, Abed!

Abed:You also have serious rage issues.

Shirley:WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!

Abed:You know what your problem is, Jeff? You're narcissistic. Everything is about how you look, how people perceive you, your image.

Jeff:That's ridiculous. I'm actually one of the most humble people I know.

Abed:You just proved my point.

Troy:Why would you say that? Now I'm thinking about that time I cried for forty-five minutes to 'Lady' by Styx in my car.

Troy:You're an evil wizard, Abed! I demand you use your dark powers to tell me my future!

Abed:Troy, I'm not a wizard. I just watch a lot of TV.

Troy:Evil. Wizard.

Abed:You look like you're living in your car.

Jeff:I am living in my car.

Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool.

Jeff:That was really good.

Jeff:I hated it.

Jeff Winger:So what's your technique for debate?

Elroy Patashnik:I visualize my opponent naked.

Jeff Winger:That's... a solid technique.

Elroy Patashnik:Yeah, but then I start getting aroused, and that throws off my rhythm.

Jeff:See? Nobody's saying anything. Nobody's complimenting her. That proves my point—people are fundamentally evil.

Jean:You complimented me.

Jeff:Yeah, well, it was only to win the argument. I needed you on my side.

Jean:So you were just manipulating me?

Jeff:Yes. No. I mean... look, I compliment people all the time for selfish reasons. It's called debate strategy.

Jeff:Evil is subjective. It's a construct of—you know what? I'm just going to sing about this.

Jeff:🎵 Evil, evil, evil... 🎵

Annie:But I got a low score! I thought I was great!

Jeff:Annie, this is debate team scoring, not a singing competition. We're judges, not American Idol.

Annie:Oh... I thought...

Jeff:I know what you thought.

Simmons:Well, well, well. Looks like someone's been watching too much Perry Mason and not enough actual law books. You argued like a man trying to defend himself in traffic court after getting caught doing donuts in a school zone.

Dean Pelton:Excuse me! You cannot just interrupt a sanctioned debate with your... your jock physicality! This is a place of intellectual discourse, not some Olympian arena where the strong simply trample the weak!

Annie:When are we going to prepare for tomorrow's debate?

Jeff:I don't want to! You can't make me! I'm not doing it!

Annie:Jeff, you need to prepare for the debate. I've been studying your opponent's strategy.

Jeff:I don't need to prepare. I can wing it.

Annie:That's what I thought you'd say. You know, Briggs Simmons said you were afraid of real competition.

Jeff:Simmons said that? That guy's an idiot.

Annie:He also said you probably couldn't handle a real intellectual challenge.

Jeff:Fine. I'll prepare. But only because I want to prove that guy wrong.

Jeff:You know what? I'm going to study hard, get straight A's, and make sure Greendale crushes City College in every way possible.

Annie:Really? That's amazing, Jeff!

Jeff:Just kidding. I'm going to go do literally anything else. By the way, did you see that thing with the stuff? It was like if a chicken had a motorcycle.

Jeff:I was a lawyer. I was somebody. And now I'm losing debates to a guy with a caterpillar on his face.

Simmons:♪ Jeff Winger, used to be a big shot lawyer man, now he's just a community college has-been, what a plan! ♪

Jeff:Oh, you want to talk about Annie? You want to go there? Because I can tell you exactly what I think about Annie Edison.

Jeff:She's the most genuinely good person in this entire group. She actually cares about people. She shows up. She tries.

Jeff:So if you're going to insult someone, insult me. Insult any of us. But you don't get to talk about Annie like that.

Jeff:You know what? I miss your smoking.

Britta:What? Why would you say that?

Jeff:Because when you were smoking, you had something to do with your mouth besides talking.

Britta:You know what? Fine. My feet are weird. But you know what else is weird and permanent? A tattoo. And you know what I don't have? Regrets about my feet.

Shirley:Abed, your predictions are getting out of hand. You said I'd spill coffee on myself today, and I did! How is that even possible?

Abed:It's just probability. You drink coffee every day at 2 PM. Statistically—

Shirley:Don't you 'statistically' me! You're like a fortune teller, except creepier because you're actually right. It's like you're tracking me!

Abed:I'm not tracking you. I'm just observing patterns. It's like how I can predict what Troy will say before he says it, or that Jeff will make an inappropriate comment in exactly four minutes.

Shirley:That's exactly what a stalker would say! 'I'm just observing patterns.' No thank you, sir. Stay away from my patterns!

Shirley:Abed, why am I a zombie in your horror movie?

Abed:You're not a zombie. You're a manifestation of maternal instinct corrupted by religious trauma, lurching through suburbia seeking validation.

Shirley:I'm a zombie.

Abed:You're a zombie.

Shirley:That's not gonna happen.

Jeff:I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.

Annie:That's stress. I had that in the third grade.

Annie:I need to be less robotic. I come across as cold and mechanical.

Annie:Look at me — I dress like a Gap mannequin had a baby with a cardigan.

Jeff:We are not going to kiss.

Annie:Absolutely not. That would be insane.

Jeff:Completely insane. I mean, look at us.

Annie:Right? We have nothing in common.

Jeff:Nothing. And even if we did, which we don't, it would never happen.

Annie:Never ever.

Annie:Okay, we should probably study separately. We keep distracting each other.

Jeff:You're right. I'll go to the library.

Annie:Good idea. I'm going to go back to my room and... work on my hard... wood.

Jeff:I can't go back in there. Annie's in that study room and she's definitely going to want to talk about... feelings or something.

Britta:Jeff, it's your phone.

Jeff:I know what it is, Britta. And I'm choosing to let it go. Consider it a spiritual journey. I'm a monk now. Monks don't have phones.

Troy:You left it on the table like five minutes ago.

Jeff:Then I guess I'll have to buy a new phone. And move to a different state. And fake my own death. It's the only way.

Pierce:You are under my spell. You will do whatever I say.

Britta:Pierce, this isn't real hypnosis.

Pierce:That's what you think. Now, tell me... am I a sex object?

Britta:No, Pierce.

Pierce:Under hypnosis, you have to tell the truth. So what am I?

Britta:You're... a sex object.

Pierce:Ha! I knew it. Finally, validation.

Britta:I was awake the whole time, you pervert!

Pierce:Wait, you were faking the whole time? So I'm just a joke to you?

Britta:Pierce, no—

Pierce:Don't. Just... don't. I thought we had something special.

Pierce:I may have stumbled, but I have not fallen in spirit. My resolve remains unshaken.

Pierce:I will rise on my own terms, without assistance, as a man of principle and fortitude.

Jeff:Jesus was just a simple desert handyman.

Annie:Bugs Bunny! He's a perfect example of pure human goodness.

Jeff:You know what? I'm done. I'm so tired of hearing about human evil. Yes, people are terrible. Yes, the Reagan administration cut school lunch funding. But you know what? Some of us actually have to live in this world.

Annie:Did I say something offensive? 'Barn-burner' isn't racist, is it? Oh God, it could be. Anything could be racist. I need to check the internet.

Jeff:Annie, it's fine.

Annie:You don't know that! What if barns have a historically significant connection to slavery that I'm not aware of?

Jeff Winger:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I got you.

Dean Pelton:That was incredible! You caught him without even thinking!

Jeff Winger:Yeah, well, basic human decency.

Dean Pelton:See, that's what I'm talking about. Deep down, people are good.

Abed:Or he just caught him because he's a sociopath and doesn't understand that you're supposed to let people win sometimes to make them feel good about themselves.

Shirley:I always knew Abed was psychic. And I guess this means I'm a werewolf now.

Abed:My next film is going to be about Pierce being a genius.

Pierce:No.

Abed:Yeah, okay.

Britta:I can't smoke anymore. Every time I try, I think of... Pierce's... and his...

Pierce:My hypnosis actually worked?

Britta:Unfortunately. You made me associate smoking with the image of you in a thong.

Jeff:So, about what happened... maybe we could just, like, not touch for a while?

Annie:Jeff, we just kissed.

Jeff:I know. That's why I'm asking.

Annie:You want to avoid touching me?

Jeff:Not avoid. Just... establish a no-contact policy. For both our sakes.

Troy:Yo, uh, hola, me llamo es Troy. Tengo un gato. El gato es muy malo. Mi pantalones son azules. Uh, T-bone the disco spider, uh, muy bien, muy bien.