Mixology Certification

Study Group:Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear [person], happy birthday to you.

Annie:Wait, why do we only sing it to them? What about the rest of us? Are we not happy for their birthday?

Jeff:We can't sing 'Happy Birthday' because Shirley's a Jehovah's Witness. So we need to come up with something else.

Abed:We acknowledge the passage of time and your continued presence among us.

Jeff:That's perfect.

Annie:Guys, we really need to study for this exam. Why does everyone keep finding excuses to avoid the library?

Troy:Annie, come on. Britta just found out her coffee has exactly the right foam-to-liquid ratio. We have to celebrate that.

Annie:That's not a real reason to skip studying!

Jeff:Actually, foam ratios are very serious business.

Shirley:Don't you judge me! My niece took her first bath today, and that is a milestone!

Pierce:Nobody remembered my birthday. I can't believe you all forgot.

Jeff:Pierce, we threw you a surprise party last night.

Pierce:You did?

Jeff:Yeah, it was at Señor Chang's. You were there.

Pierce:Oh. Well, I don't remember any of it.

Pierce:Nutritious!

Jeff:No, Pierce, that's not—

Pierce:I was testing you guys.

Troy:I can't believe Kickpuncher: Detroit is sold out everywhere!

Abed:Yeah, Detroit residents aren't too happy about how the city's being portrayed in the movie.

Troy:What do you mean? It's Kickpuncher!

Abed:Exactly. They're tired of being the punchline.

Jeff:I don't need your help. I can handle my own cake. Why does everyone always assume I need assistance? I'm perfectly capable of managing dessert on my own. Stop trying to control me.

Abed:Troy was born on this day in 1989, the same year as the fall of the Berlin Wall, the Exxon Valdez disaster, and the release of Batman. Also, it's the birthday of triplets who went on to become moderately successful character actors in the 1970s, one of whom was the stand-in for a stunt double on a Schwarzenegger film, and that stunt double's gaffer had a son who was a key grip on a direct-to-video action movie in 1994.

Troy:Wait, if I failed math, does that mean I have to repeat the grade? Because if everyone had to repeat grades when they failed, nobody would ever graduate. We'd all just be in high school forever. Actually, that's not a bad point. Think about it: every single person who ever failed a class would have to repeat it. That's like, half the population still in third grade.

Troy:Wait, if I was born in 1989 and it's 2010, that means I'm only 21, not 22?

Troy:My whole life is a lie! I've been living as the wrong age! Do you know what this means?

Troy:I need to redo my entire childhood! I'm going back to get my learner's permit!

Troy:Everyone at Greendale thinks I'm a fraud! I'm basically a teenager impostor!

Jeff:You know, bathing a baby is like becoming a man. You start out all excited, you get in there, realize you have no idea what you're doing, and by the end you're just hoping nobody notices you've made a terrible mess.

Troy:So what you're saying is, I need to bathe in the tears of my enemies?

Jeff:No, Troy, that's not—

Troy:Because I can do that. I will do that. I'm gonna start right now.

Annie:L Street? More like L-lame Street.

Jeff:Have you been to L Street?

Annie:Oh, it's like... it's like if Narnia and a boutique had a baby, and that baby was raised by someone with really good taste and a decent budget, and then that baby grew up and opened a store where you could buy the most beautiful things, and every time you went there it was like Christmas morning, but also like you were discovering a secret that only the coolest people knew about, and...

Annie:Sorry, I'm doing it again, aren't I?

Jeff:You're being so hipster right now.

Britta:I'm not a hipster. I was into obscure things way before they were cool.

Britta:We should go to Peg Leg Pablo's for virgin mudslides.

Jeff:A virgin mudslide is just chocolate milk.

Annie:Wait, you have a fake ID?

Britta:No, I have a real ID. It's just not mine.

Jeff:The Red Door? More like The Pretentious Film Festival Door. It's basically Inception, but with worse lighting and more judgmental people.

Jeff:I don't need help. I'm fine.

Jeff:What? No, I can totally get up these stairs myself.

Jeff:Stop looking at me like that. My leg will be fine in a few minutes.

Jeff:Okay, fine, maybe just... hold the door open. But that's it.

Annie:Wait, people are selling fake IDs? That's illegal! And irresponsible! And... and deeply immoral!

Annie:Do you know what happens to people who use fake IDs? They become criminals. Career criminals. Hardened criminals with tattoos and no respect for their mothers.

Annie:And then they can't get into good colleges, so they go to community college, and then they have to associate with people like... well, people I shouldn't judge, but clearly I am judging them right now for their life choices.

Annie:Y'all come back now, ya hear?

Britta:That's not a Texas accent, that's a generic Southern accent. Texas has its own distinct phonetic patterns.

Annie:She probably uses her ID to get into clubs where they don't card, buys alcohol for parties she wasn't invited to, and tells people she's 'basically a model' when she's just really pretty and has good lighting.

Jeff:You know what every dive bar is called? Either 'The Rusty [Something]' or '[Something] Tavern.' That's it. Those are the only two options. 'The Rusty Nail,' 'The Rusty Bucket,' 'McCarthy's Tavern,' 'Flannery's Tavern.' It's like dive bars are named by a computer program that only has two templates.

Jeff:The Ballroom? That's where they keep all the balls.

Jeff:Yeah, I see what I did there.

Pierce:Troy's entering a new chapter of his life. You know what that means? He's one chapter closer to the end of the book. And the ending of this book is death.

Bartender:Shirley! Long time no see!

Shirley:Oh, no, I think you have me confused with someone else.

Bartender:No, it's definitely you. You used to come in here every night.

Shirley:That was... a different time in my life. I'm a changed woman now. A Christian woman.

Bartender:Right, right. Can I get you something?

Shirley:Just a... a virgin daiquiri. Very virgin. Like, aggressively virgin.

Troy:You really think I could make it to the wall of regulars?

Pierce:Well, Troy, I don't want to lower your expectations, but... actually, no, I do. Yes, lower them. Lower them a lot.

Bartender:Where are you from?

Annie:Greendale, Colorado. Zip code 80401. Population 6,247 as of the 2010 census. Elevation 5,427 feet above sea level.

Bartender:What's Caroline doing in town?

Annie:Oh, she's just... living her best life. Moving from place to place, no strings attached, following her heart wherever it takes her. It's so romantic when you think about it.

Jeff:Okay Troy, your first legal drink. This is a big moment. You want something smooth, approachable.

Troy:Yeah, I'm thinking maybe a beer?

Jeff:Classic choice. Good instinct.

Abed:Or you could go with whiskey. Shows confidence.

Pierce:Whiskey? Kid, whiskey is a journey. It's about understanding the transience of pleasure and the inevitability of regret.

Shirley:That's beautiful, Pierce.

Pierce:I'm not done. Every sip is a meditation on mortality. The burn in your throat? That's your soul waking up to the fact that we're all just temporary vessels in an indifferent universe.

Troy:I'll have a Sprite.

Troy:I want seven and seven to honor my dead uncle.

Jeff:Your uncle was a drink?

Troy:He loved seven and sevens!

Jeff:Troy, your uncle was an alcoholic who drank himself to death. You're not honoring him, you're just making excuses to get drunk.

Abed:I'm getting recruited by an intergalactic arcade game company to fight aliens in space.

Robert:That's... just the plot of The Last Starfighter.

Abed:I know.

Robert:You know a lot about sci-fi.

Abed:Yeah, I've seen most of the classics.

Robert:Want to get together and watch some movies sometime?

Abed:Sure, that sounds cool.

Annie:People think I'm really smart and sophisticated.

Annie:I mean, I had to tell them I was... ubiquitous.

Annie:It means unpredictable. Like the weather, or my emotions.

Jeff:What are you ordering, a 'Britta-ny Spears'?

Britta:Actually, it's called a 'Britta-ccino.' Get it? Because my name is Britta and it's a cappuccino?

Troy:I'll have a... caramel macchiato-tini.

Abed:That's not a real drink.

Troy:Exactly. Neither is half the stuff people order.

Annie:I need to go powder my nose.

Pierce:You're like a hurricane, Annie.

Troy:A hurricane? But you're not even wet, and there's no wind in here.

Robert:Did it hurt? When you fell through a wormhole?

Abed:Wormholes don't work that way. They're theoretical constructs that would require exotic matter with negative energy density to stabilize. Also, I didn't fall through anything. I'm standing right here.

Annie:I don't plan things. I'm like a beautiful Southern belle who just lets life happen to her, like a magnolia blossom in the wind.

Robert:Why didn't you pick up on her hitting on you?

Abed:She was talking about how the latest Star Trek film ignored established canon. I had to correct her on the Kelvin Timeline. That takes priority.

Shirley:Lord, I'm praying for the souls in these photographs.

Jeff:Shirley, that photo of you was found in the men's bathroom at the bus station.

Shirley:What?!

Shirley:You're welcome, Pierce. I'm always happy to help.

Shirley:Even though you're a terrible person and nobody likes you.

Troy:Wait, wait, wait. You mean L Street? The one with the red door?

Abed:Yes, that's what I've been saying.

Troy:That's the same place! We've been arguing about the same place this whole time!

Troy:Wait, wait, wait. You guys have been arguing about Paddy's the whole time?

Jeff:What are you talking about?

Troy:Paddy's. That's the bar. You've both been describing Paddy's.

Britta:No, I was talking about—

Troy:Paddy's. It's Paddy's.

Troy:We're not going to a bar. We're going to a hospital. Because that's where you go when you get stabbed. Which is what's going to happen at a bar.

Troy:You know, alcohol is like a truth serum, except it also makes you forget the truth you just told.

Troy:Annie, you have an almost obsessive need for validation and approval from authority figures, which stems from your childhood perfectionism and fear of failure.

Annie:That's... surprisingly accurate.

Troy:I know. I read it off the back of a psychology book I found in the library.

Troy:Annie's got like a... a binder system. Not just one binder. Multiple binders. Color-coded. With tabs. And she laminated the tabs. Who laminates tabs? Annie does. She also has a label maker. A personal label maker. Not borrowed. It's hers. She named it.

Abed:Yeah, I've been standing here the whole time. You guys are making out and I'm just... not being acknowledged.

Abed:It's like I'm invisible. Which, granted, is what I wanted in high school, but now it's just depressing.

Character:I need help with something urgent!

Character:What's wrong?

Character:I... I really need to use the bathroom.

Character:Oh. Um. The bathroom is...

Character:I know where it is! I just can't... get there by myself right now.