Celebrity Pharmacology

Buzzby:I'm exhausted, I can barely fly.

Bumbleton:You should get high!

Buzzby:What?

Bumbleton:You know, altitude. Get some air.

Drugs:Did someone say get high?

Drugs:You know, I'm like a bee. I come in, I give you a buzz, and I leave you with something sweet.

Pierce:So you're saying you're going to call me honey?

Pierce:Hey Drugs, you're looking pretty good today.

Annie:That's not even a character! You're just saying random words!

Pierce:Well, Drugs seems to think I'm hilarious.

Annie:Drugs isn't a person, Pierce!

Pierce:Wait, how is anyone supposed to know I'm the villain if I don't say anything?

Troy:Wait, so you're saying marijuana makes you work faster? That doesn't make sense. Wasn't there that whole Scooby-Doo thing where they were always eating snacks and solving mysteries really slowly?

Troy:Wait, I've been wearing my costume backwards this whole time?

Troy:That explains why I've felt so confident today. I thought it was the spray tan.

Shirley:I am not saying 'bong.' That is a drug word and I don't say drug words.

Shirley:You can't make me say 'bong.'

Shirley:I will not say 'bong,' 'bong,' 'bong,' 'bong,' 'bong.'

Jeff:That's completely inappropriate.

Britta:Thank you!

Dean Pelton:Ding-dong!

Dean Pelton:Dean-dong!

Dean Pelton:Charleston Chews are a gateway candy. I've seen it happen. First it's just one Charleston Chew, then it's two, then suddenly you're mainlining Whoppers like some kind of candy fiend.

Dean Pelton:I would love to help, but I have a very important hotel visit this weekend. I need to break in my new chambermaid outfit.

Pierce:Wait, where's the Dean going in that bee costume? He's supposed to be the front singer of the bee band!

Pierce:I guess you could say he's really... bee-ing a solo act now.

Troy:If a bee is flying away from you, is it leaving, or are you leaving it?

Abed:Relative to the ground, you're both stationary and moving simultaneously.

Jeff:Look, I'm not saying texting is bad. I'm saying text flirting is bad. It's like electricity—sure, we need it to survive, but nobody's falling in love with their power bill.

Chang:I'm going to prove I'm the father by doing something bizarrely romantic.

Chang:I'm going to serenade you with an R. Kelly song.

Britta:Who? I have no idea who you're talking about.

Britta:Oh, him! Yeah, he's terrible.

Britta:Wait, who?

Pierce:I was in a commercial once. Back in the seventies, I did a spot for hemorrhoid cream. They had me compare the before and after to a baby's bottom.

Pierce:Name a country.

Annie:Russia.

Pierce:Russia! Yes, I was just about to say that.

Annie:The message is the star of the show.

Pierce:What about Jeff? He's pretty prominent.

Jeff:Hey baby, it's me. I've been thinking about you all day. Why don't you come over tonight and we can finally be alone together?

Jeff:I want to do things to you that would make your head spin.

Annie:Why would you text her that?

Jeff:Because I'm confident and mysterious.

Annie:You just sent her a picture of your foot.

Jeff:Exactly. Mysterious.

Pierce:There's a dangerous person in the hallway. You might want to stay in here.

Annie:That's just my landlord. He's intimidating, but he's not dangerous.

Pierce:Wait, you're living above a sex shop? That's... that's actually pretty cool. So are they expanding? Because I've got some capital I'm looking to invest.

Pierce:Wait, you're telling me you can't afford a house? But what about your trust fund?

Annie:I don't have a trust fund, Pierce.

Pierce:Well, what about your parents' house? Can't you just... live there?

Annie:They want me to be independent.

Pierce:Independent? That's adorable. You know what I did when I was your age? I bought three houses. Just for fun. Didn't even live in them.

Annie:I'm saving up for a new laptop with my Period Fairy money.

Pierce:Period Fairy? What the hell is that?

Annie:You know, the Period Fairy. She comes when you get your period and leaves you money under your pillow.

Pierce:That's not a thing.

Annie:The Period Fairy is a magical creature who comes when you get your period and leaves you money under your pillow.

Pierce:Is she hot?

Pierce:You know, this apartment reminds me of my first place. Roaches big enough to file taxes, a bathtub that doubled as a science experiment, but it had character.

Annie:That sounds horrible.

Pierce:Horrible? It was magical. Don't you ever want to live somewhere that builds character?

Annie:No.

Pierce:I'm going to make it rain on you people.

Pierce:And by 'make it rain,' I mean I'm literally going to throw dollar bills in the air.

Pierce:It's the most dignified way to give money.

Annie:I've been selling my eggs for money.

Pierce:That's smart. You should save some for later. You never know when you'll need eggs.

Pierce:My father always said, 'Son, a man's gotta stay fresh.' That's why he invented Hawthorne Wipes. The only wet wipe that fights bacteria, odor, and the crushing disappointment of not being your father.

Pierce:I was born in a small town with big dreams. My mother left me at a Denny's. My father found me in the parking lot, wiped me down with a cloth, and said, 'This is your legacy, boy.'

Pierce:Hawthorne Wipes: Because some stains are physical, and some stains are emotional.

Pierce:Dad, I want to be in commercials!

Pierce's Father:No son of mine is going to be in commercials. You're going to work in the family business.

Pierce:But Dad, I have a real shot at this!

Pierce's Father:The answer is no. And that's final.

Pierce:My father was in a commercial once. He played the Dad.

Pierce:He was so warm and caring to that little boy in the commercial.

Pierce:Then he came home and didn't say a word to me for three days.

Troy:Wait, why does he have Whiteout? Doesn't everyone use computers now?

Pierce:Zabba-da-zooey!

Troy:Break a leg! No wait, that's not right. Bee a leg!

Troy:Because bees have legs. Six of them. It's more specific encouragement.

Pierce:Whose pen is this?

Annie:It's mine.

Pierce:Well, I bought it for you.

Dean Pelton:What if we just gave away the baseballs as part of a drug-free initiative?

Jeff:Dean, that's just baseballs.

Dean Pelton:Exactly! Or we could tell people that holding a baseball is just like doing drugs, so they don't need to do drugs anymore.

Britta:My nephew just started texting me out of nowhere. He's so interested in me all of a sudden. He keeps asking me to send him pictures, saying he misses seeing me in my old outfits...

Jeff:Britta, that's... that's not what he means.

Britta:What do you mean? He's being so sweet!

Jeff:No, he's being a creepy teenage boy.

Jeff:Oh my God, I just realized I sent that text to the wrong person!

Troy:Yeah, you sent a peach and an eggplant emoji to Dean Pelton.

Jeff:Abed? Abed! Come on, man, I need you right now. This is serious.

Jeff:Fine. FINE. You know what? I don't need you. I'll just figure this out myself like I always do.

Troy:...That's it?

Chang:Why does everyone ignore me? Is it because I'm Asian?

Shirley:No, Chang, it's because you're weird.

Chang:Oh. Well, which kind of Asian am I being ignored for?

Shirley:Because you're a sociopath, Chang. We all know it. We've all accepted it. But you keep doing crazy stuff and expecting us to act surprised, like we don't already know you're insane.

Dean Pelton:Is it wrong that I'm getting aroused right now?

Jeff Winger:Yes.

Jeff:I'm feeling pretty blue in this green costume.

Troy:Dude, what are you supposed to be?

Pierce:I'm Mewtwo, the most powerful Pokémon ever created.

Troy:Pierce, you're just wearing a lab coat and a weird helmet.

Pierce:Exactly. Now watch this.

Pierce:Mewtwo, Mewtwo, Mewtwo! I am the clone, the chosen one!

Pierce:I'm back! Did you miss me?

Jeff:Pierce, this is a funeral.

Pierce:I know, I know. But I'm alive! Unlike the guy in the box.

Pierce:I didn't get flushed. I got stuck behind the toilet. There's a whole ecosystem back there. I'm telling you, I saw things that would make you question everything.

Pierce:Well, you know, I did pay for your textbooks last semester.

Jeff:Wait, I have an idea!

Jeff:Bee-lieve in me!

Pierce:Drugs! Drugs! Drugs!

Pierce:Oh, you want Drugs? I'll give you Drugs. I AM Drugs! I always have been. When I was a kid, my father told me, 'Pierce, you're gonna be somebody.' And I said, 'Dad, I'm already Drugs.'

Annie:Pierce, you're not withdrawing your support. You're just finally showing your true colors. And honestly? We all knew they were there.

Pierce:You know what? I'm done. This friendship is over.

Pierce:And another thing - I'm taking back all the friendly advice I've given you. Especially that tip about the store downstairs from Annie's apartment.

Dean Pelton:Clinical description of absurd crisis

Jeff:We need someone crazy.

Chang:Did you say you need someone to organize your files?

Chang:You better watch yourself, or I'm gonna come to your school and... and I'm gonna eat all your cupcakes at the bake sale!

Chang:Then I'm gonna show up at your birthday party and... and I'm gonna tell everyone your real age!

Chang:And then I'm gonna find out where you live and... and replace all your Halloween candy with healthy alternatives!

Chang:You think you can hurt me? I've been through worse! I'm Chang! I'm a black belt! I'm—OW! OW! Stop it! STOP IT!

Jeff:You started this whole thing by texting me at 2 AM!

Marcus:I was concerned about you! And you responded!

Jeff:Because I thought you were dying!

Marcus:Well, I'm the one who's actually hurt here.

Jeff:Oh, so now you're the victim? You're the one who sent me those messages!

Marcus:I was vulnerable, Jeff. I needed someone to talk to.

Jeff:You didn't know I wasn't your aunt?

Marcus:I don't get out much.

Shirley:Oh, I'd be happy to help arrange that. I could set up a meeting between you and yourself. We could rent out the cafeteria, get some name tags, maybe you two could finally get to know each other.

Chang:Thank you, thank you. I appreciate the recognition.

Shirley:You were amazing out there, Chang!

Chang:Well, I did study the craft. My acting coach said I really captured the essence of a deranged lunatic terrorizing children.

Jeff:That's... that's not actually a compliment.

Chang:In the improv community, we call that range.

Pierce:Group hug! Everyone together now, we've all learned something today.

Pierce:Just like when I told Jeff in private about my feelings, and he said—well, he said some things we agreed to never repeat.

Pierce:Before you say anything, Annie, I want you to know that I did nothing wrong.

Pierce:But here's $200.

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